The Light Behind Your Eyes

Kellin hadn’t been the same since the accident. The accident where Justin crashed his car, sending them both flipping across the highway and Justin lost his life and Kellin lost the feeling in his legs. Kellin didn’t really talk about it, he didn’t really talk about anything anymore, and Vic thought his head was going to explode because he had no idea what he could do. Vic had done everything he could think of; they moved out of their house and into a bungalow, because Kellin just couldn’t do the steps anymore and there was no downstairs bathroom in the old house. He hired a contractor and made sure that everything was accessible to him, and then installed a ramp next to the steps at the front of the house. Vic thought he was doing the right thing, but all the changes just seemed to make Kellin angrier and angrier. No matter what he did, Vic couldn’t make Kellin happy anymore.

But Kellin got so frustrated and embarrassed all the time, because he needed help out of the shower and into the car and he used to be so independent, but now he depended on Vic completely. Vic didn’t mind, he loved Kellin, he’d do anything for him without hesitation, but Kellin hated it. He couldn’t accept that his life was different now, and the way they lived would have to be different too. He didn’t want to accept it. Vic often thought that Kellin might hate him for it too, because the younger boy really didn’t give any signs to say that he still loved him. Vic was just so hostile all the time; there were no more kind words exchanged on his part, and his patience for the things Vic talked to him about was limited.

Vic missed Kellin, and he hated himself for that, because Kellin was right there. But he missed the way they used to huddle up in bed together at night, and the tender kisses they shared; he missed everything that Kellin used to be, because they’d been so in love, and Vic didn’t see why the wheelchair had to change any of that. Kellin was still Kellin, and Vic was still Vic but all Kellin could see was his new impairment, and everything it stopped him from doing. He couldn’t see that he’d been the lucky one in the situation; he’d been the one to escape with his life, while Justin would never open his eyes again.

Vic never lost his patience with Kellin though. Never, until one morning when Kellin wanted oatmeal, and he wanted to make it himself because he was already sick of having everything done for him. Vic didn’t protest; he wanted Kellin to do things on his own, that was the only way he’d ever get used to thing, but the bowl tipped over as he was pouring the milk into it, sending a mess of oats and milk flowing down the cupboard and onto the floor. Vic rushed to clean it up, assuring his boyfriend that accidents happened, just as he always did when things went wrong because Kellin’s paralysis was a big adjustment, he didn’t expect them to get things right straight away.

But Kellin’s own failure just made him angry, he grabbed the bowl from the side and threw it into the sink, where it smashed against the metal. Vic jumped, and looked at his boyfriend with shocked eyes.

“I hate living like this!” Kellin screamed and slammed his fists against the arms of his chair, and Vic thought it was a miracle that he was actually getting his feelings out instead of holding it all in. “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live like this! I wish Justin was in my place and I were in his, I wish I was the one who’d died. Being dead would be better than this.”

Vic just stopped. He dropped the towel he’d been cleaning with, letting it fall to the ground, and didn’t even look at Vic as he stood up, his chest tight and painful, and grabbed his car keys from the cupboard. He could feel Kellin’s wide eyes watching him as he walked out of the door, but Vic couldn’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend. He just walked outside, his mind reeling and his words clogging in his throat; Kellin wanted to die, and there was nothing that he could do to make him feel better.

“Vic, stop!” Kellin screamed after him, struggling to wheel himself after the fleeing man. Vic hadn’t seen Kellin show so much emotion since before the accident, but now he couldn’t even pay any attention to it, not even as kellin wheeled himself down the ramp and screamed out to him in a raw voice, “Vic, I’m sorry, please don’t go! Please, I’m sorry! Vic! Please, you can’t just leave me, I need you, I love you!”

But Vic didn’t listen; he climbed into his car, and left Kellin there on the front yard, screaming and crying and then he just drove. He didn’t know where he was going at first; he was just driving aimlessly, trying to distract himself from the fact that Kellin wanted to die; Kellin wished he were in Justin’s place, disregarding how hard it had been for everyone to see Justin’s casket lowered into the ground. Vic pulled up on a side road, the same one he used to bring Kellin down when they went to the secluded part of the beach that no one really knew about.

He stopped the car, and then he just screamed, and screamed, and screamed. He slammed his fists into the dashboard until he heard his knuckles crack, and the skin broke and bled out onto his palms. He screamed and cried and he didn’t stop, because his heart was breaking and he couldn’t do anything to save Kellin from his own self-hatred. Vic couldn’t do anything to give Kellin his movement back, and he couldn’t force the man to accept it. He wished he could go back in time and stop Justin and Kellin from ever getting into the car that day; Jesse wouldn’t be hurting, Gabe wouldn’t be hurting, and neither would Vic. Kellin would still be able to walk, and Justin would still be with them. But Vic couldn’t even do that.

Vic wanted to slap himself as he got out of the car and walked on to the beach; no one was there, no one was ever there. He remembered coming there with Kellin when they were teenagers, and that just made him angrier. He screamed and kicked the sand and collapsed to his knees as he cried, because Kellin was still there and he should be grateful for that. Justin was gone, and Kellin was still alive.

Kellin had come away from the accident, his legs bloody and torn up, but he’d been there. And he’d been there in the hospital when Vic didn’t know if he’d survive or not, and Kellin had been there when the doctor wheeled him out into the waiting room in his new chair for the first time, telling Vic that this would be his life now.

But Kellin wasn’t there.

A part of Kellin had died in that car with Justin; so yeah, he was there, but his soul was somewhere else. Everything that had made Kellin, Kellin was gone; the light behind his usually bright eyes had gone out, his smile never reached his eyes anymore. And Vic had to deal with that, because he loved Kellin with or without his soul, but it was just so hard, because his Vic was never going to come back, and as he sat there in the sand, his head pressed into his palm, he realised he should stop wishing for it. Kellin was different now, he could never go back to the way he’d been before.

They could adapt and make adjustments all they wanted, but that would never make a difference. Kellin would never stop wishing that he had died in Justin’s place, and Vic would never stop wishing for the old Kellin to come back.