Twisted Thoughts

Splashing her face with a handful of cold water, Alaska released a slow breath as she listened to the voicemail that was playing from the speaker of her cell phone.

" ... And I've already told them that I can't stay for longer than a few hours. I already called Kayleigh, but she's got an exam to study for, so that's out of the question," her older sister, Tristan, rambled in what seemed to be one long breath. "I was going to ask mom to watch her, but she's got some day date planned with Keith, so, really, you're my last hope here, 'Laska. Please, please, please give me a call back ... Preferably some time before one. Thanks."

The voicemail ended and Alaska dried her hands before tapping the screen on her phone, ending the call. She shook her head, letting out a dry laugh. Of course she was the last fucking option.

Although she held the title of Lucille's aunt, it didn't really mean shit. To Tristan, Alaska would always be the troubled younger sister who couldn't get her shit together. It was the explanation as to why she came after Kayleigh, an eighteen year old senior in high school and their mother, who had very recently turned fifty-seven. Her past, her mistakes, they would always be ghosts that haunted her and those who had been there to bear witness.

She'd only gone two steps into her room when the sight of red fabric peeking out from the side of the dresser caught her eyes. Trekking over to it, she cautiously bent down and lifted the sweater with her fingers, simply staring at it. It was a sweater that had once belonged to Hunter, but after she'd constantly 'borrowed' it, he told her it was hers to keep. Looking at it now, she felt a sear rip straight through her and tossed the material further into the corner, where it wouldn't be visible.

Tristan's phone call was what had awoken her this morning, and she'd fallen asleep right after the ringing ceased. Waking up once more, merely ten minutes ago, she'd gone straight to the bathroom and listened to the voicemail her sister had left. Now, though, glancing around the room and becoming more awake, memories from the previous night were coming full force to the front of her mind and she had to take a seat on the edge of her bed to keep from falling over.

She wanted to slap herself for having not only broken down in a public place, but for doing so in front of Brian of all people. If it had been Annie, Zacky or even Johnny, she would've been alright with that; they would have understood and offered to help her with the situation. But it had been Brian she called and who she'd made a fool out of herself in front of.

"You are such a dumbass," Alaska muttered to herself before dragging a hand down her face.

Glancing around her pale walled room, she noticed that during her time out at the diner last night, Hunter must have come by and collected his things, because they were all gone. His clothes, laptop, posters and even his vinyls were nowhere to be seen.

The room now seemed so empty; so void and cold. A shiver ran down her spine and she felt nausea building in her stomach; from the emptiness or the pain of heartbreak, she wasn't exactly sure. But she felt it rising and made a dash for the bathroom, where she kneeled down before the toilet and proceeded to vomit. There wasn't much in her stomach and so all that she could produce was acid as she dry heaved.

As she spit into the water, her phone began ringing and she groaned as she pulled the device from her pocket, knowing already that it would be Tristan's name flashing across the screen.

"Hello?" she mumbled, wiping the side of her mouth with a wad of toilet paper.

"Alaska? Are you alright?" Tristan questioned, but there was no tone of concern; she was merely asking out of respect.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just waking up is all," Alaska lied, pushing herself up from the floor. "I got your voicemail about Lucy. Do you want me to come pick her up?" As she spoke, she could hear the hoarseness in her voice and she sighed, knowing it wouldn't go unnoticed by her sibling.

There was a moment of silence. "Alaska, you're not hungover, are you? For goodness sakes, it's only Tues-"

"I'm not hungover, Tris. I promise."

Her sister sighed. "Very well. Look, I've already packed up Lucy's things and we were just getting ready to head out. We'll be there in about fifteen minutes, alright?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Are you sure-"

"I'm fine, Tristan!"

"Fine. I'll see you in a few then."

"Bye," Alaska muttered before ending the call.

Glancing down at the toilet bowl, she sighed and pushed down on the lever, watching as the water swirled around and around. Shaking her head as if to break her trance, she left the bathroom and went straight for the closet, in search of an outfit.

"Damnit," she cursed under her breath as she eyed the overflowing hamper in the corner; she'd forgotten to do laundry. "Fuck me."

She grabbed the only pair of hanging blue jeans from its hanger and slipped them up her legs, groaning at how snug they fit. She reached up to the top shelf, where a few of her folded tee shirts lay, and grabbed the first one she saw; a white Pink Floyd tee.

She walked over to the mirror that was perched behind her dresser and glanced over her outfit before reaching for a hair tie and pulling her hair into a high ponytail. It was an attempt to try and pull her appearance together, but if she were being honest with herself, she knew she still looked like shit. And what was worse, she had not an ounce of energy to waste on trying to cover her blemishes with make up. Once more, the outside world would be getting a full view of the mess she'd so rapidly become.

Once she was in the kitchen, she went straight for the coffee maker, filling it with water and coffee grounds before pressing the 'on' button. Hearing the droplets begin, she grabbed an orange from the small fruit bowl she kept on the counter and began plucking off the skin. She'd just stuck the first piece of sweetness into her mouth when the doorbell sounded.

She walked to the door and opened it, knowing who she'd be seeing on the side. Standing before her was Tristan, dressed in a very posh, sleek black pant suit. Her dark brown hair was pulled back to a perfected bun on her head, and her skin looked so flawless; the minimal amount of makeup she had on suiting her very well. Beside her stood six year old Lucille, her innocent, wide jade eyes were fixed on Alaska. Her sandy blond locks were pulled into pig tails. She was dressed in a baby blue jumpsuit and clutching her Barbie doll in her right hand.

"Auntie 'Laska!" she cheered before jumping right into Alaska's arms, making her laugh.

"Hey, boo! I've missed you!" she told the little girl, and when Lucy's short limbs tightened their hold around her middle, Alaska nearly wanted to cry. She'd forgotten just how much a good, loving hug could feel and how it had the power to momentarily erase the pains of life.

"She ate breakfast, but it's nearing lunch, so she might be hungry soon. Here's her bag," Tristan said, handing Alaska a pink Dora the Explorer backpack. "Oh!" She reached into her purse, grabbed her wallet and scouted for something for a moment before holding out two twenty dollar bills.

"Why are you giving me money, Tris?" Alaska quizzed, her left brow quirking upward.

"For lunch and for babysitting."

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Thanks, but I don't want your money, Tris."

Her sister gave an exasperated sigh. "Will you please just take it? I know you may not want it, but you need it."

Alaska clenched her jaw. "I don't need it."

"Really? So was mom lying when she told me that Mr. Harrison fired you last week?" Tristan challenged, her eyes narrowing.

Alaska's eyes widened in surprised; she had told her mother that bit of news with the impression it would stay confidential. "Mom had no business telling you that!"

"That doesn't matter, 'Laska. Here, I have to go," her sister urged, pushing the money into her hands, before kneeling down to give Lucy a hug. "I love you, sweetheart. Be a good girl for your aunt, okay?"

Lucy nodded her head eagerly. "I promise, mama."

Tristan placed a kiss on her forehead before rising to her feet. "I'll call you when I get off work."

Alaska, still a little angry at her sister for shoving the money at her, curtly nodded her head. "Okay."

With that, her sister turned on her heels and walked back to her car, getting in behind the wheel. Lucy waved at the car until it was no longer visible.

"Come on, boo," Alaska cooed, grabbing the little girl's hand and bringing her inside the house. She threw the Dora backpack onto the couch as they walked to the living room. "Are you hungry?"

"No, not yet," Lucy told her as she crawled up onto a chair at the small, round kitchen table.

Alaska nodded her head and poured herself a large cup of coffee, fixing it with cream and probably more sugar than was necessary. She took a long sip, careful not to burn her tongue, as she stared at her niece, trying to think of what to say. Although she adored Lucy and kids in general, she wasn't the most maternal woman.

"Is there anything special you wanna do today?"

"It doesn't matter," the little girl responded quickly, busying herself with the blond hair on her Barbie doll. "Where's Hunter?" she questioned, not breaking concentration.

Alaska felt her breath catch in her throat, and once more, that feeling of emptiness threatened to encompass her. Swallowing harshly, she stared down into the warm brown liquid that was cradled between her hands. "Uh ... Well ... Hunter and I aren't together anymore, Luce," she stated, trying to push back the tears that wanted to seep out.

Lucy was quiet for a moment before she glanced up. "I liked his toys," she said simply.

Alaska couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of her mouth. "You don't even watch Star Wars, Luce."

"I know, but I liked the little green guy and the one with the weird voice. Luke, I am your father," Lucy said, trying to impersonate the latter character's voice.

Alaska really laughed then. "You're talking about Yoda and Darth Vader, sweetie. And if you like them so much, I'll buy you your own dolls of them."

Lucy's facial expression lifted, and a wide smile spread across her face. "Promise?"

"I promise," she nodded before taking another long sip of her coffee. "Well, since it's not too hot out, you up for going to the beach?"

"Yes! I wanna go swimming!" her niece cheered excitedly.

Alaska gave the best smile she could. "Alright. We'll head to the laundromat and then go to the beach for a bit. Just let me finish my coffee."

"Coffee is for old people!"

"Your mom drinks coffee," she tried to say slyly.

"Hey!"

Alaska laughed. "It's the truth."