One Hundred Sleepless Nights

I sniffed as I let the hot water fall down and soothe my trembling body. Fifteen minutes I had spent standing still under the hot water, just letting my tears flow down my cheeks without even an attempt to stop them.

“Urrghh!” I crouched down to the floor, pulling my hair roughly as I screamed. Why? Why me? There are billions of girls in the world, why do I have to be the one who ended up falling in love with Tony Perry? Out of the girls who would do anything to be with him, why do I have to be the one stuck in this situation?

I love you, Cassie

He said that he loves me. It haunts me; I can still hear him say those three words, repeatedly in my head until it drives me crazy. He was drunk, I thought to myself, how could I possibly believe what he said? But then again, a drunken man’s word is a sober man’s thoughts. Right?

Jessie came by earlier to pick up Tony. I was making breakfast when he woke up and he seemed… okay, like he didn’t remember he was close to fucking his own best friend while intoxicated. A part of me was glad that he didn’t remember because it would’ve been awkward as hell, but a little part of me died when I realized that he probably didn’t mean nor remember what he slipped last night either. He was munching on baked beans and bacons when Jessie came knocking on the door. I was scared that Jessie would be mad or pissed about this whole thing but she was all smiles and she kept thanking me for taking care of Tony.

Yep, that made me feel guilty as fuck.

I didn’t sleep after what happened last night; I just couldn’t bring myself to a state where I am calm enough to actually go to sleep. I spent the night just lying down on my bed, staring up at the celling and thinking about what Tony had slipped just hours before. Little did I know; it was already morning.

I stepped out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body and a smaller one on my head. I wiped the condensation on the bathroom mirror and I just stared at my reflection. The dark circles under my eyes came back and I looked like I just pulled an all-nighter to study for finals. I feel like I need to talk to someone about this before I explode like a million pieces, someone who won’t judge me or make this whole thing a big thing. I grabbed my phone that was lying on my bed; I unlocked the screen and dialed a number that I knew by heart.

“Hey Sis, what’s up?”

“Hey Ave, are you home?” I sat down on the edge of the bed, still bare naked under my damp towel.

“Yeah, wanna come over? Jaime is making lunch” I could hear her smile on the other end.

“Sure, I’ll be over in a few”

“Alright, bye”

“Bye”

I pressed ‘end’ and threw my phone across the bed. I got up, walk to the dresser and put on the first thing I saw, a black ‘FEARLESS’ muscle tee and acid washed denim shorts. I dried my hair and put it up into a high ponytail but I decided to skip the make up for today. I figured since I was only going to Avela and Jaime’s, I would let my face breathe a breath of fresh air without any make up blocking my pores.

I grabbed my purse, my sunglasses and headed towards the door. The drive to Jaime’s was quick; I didn’t even finish a song on the radio. I parked right in front of the house, walked into the driveway and let myself into the house.

“Ave? Hime? I’m here,” I yelled throughout the house as I walked towards the living room. I put my bag on the couch and Jaime showed up from the kitchen.

“Hey chica, come on join us in the kitchen. I’m making tacos!” He yanked my hand and dragged me into the kitchen. Avela was standing in front of the kitchen counter with her apron covered in flour.

“I’m just going to sit here, be cute and watch” I grinned as I grabbed one of the stools from the bar he had whenever he throws a party.

“So, what’s up? You don’t normally show up here without something to vent about” Jaime grinned as he stirred his salsa pot.

“Am I that predictable?” I whined and covered my face.

Jaime and Avela just looked at each other and laughed.

“I… Uh… Let’s just talk after we eat, I’m starving!” I wasn’t really that hungry, but I wasn’t about to ruin the good mood they were having, besides, Jaime does make the best tacos in the west coast.



“Okay, now tell us. What can we do for you” Jaime set his plate aside and put his fingers together on the table, as if he was a therapist and I was his patient.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to talk about anything, you know, in fact why don’t we pop a movie and we can watch something” I tried changing the subject because honestly I didn’t even know whether I wanted to talk about it or not.

“Shut up Cass, just spit it out” Jaime was getting a bit impatient so I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to tell them everything without telling them everything. But just like how these moments go, it all comes out like word vomit.

“Tony and I kissed last night” I blurted out in one breath, slightly flinching as I said that sentence.

Jaime and Avela were staring at me with their eyes bulging out and their mouths open. I took that opportunity to continue talking without them interrupting.

“He showed up at around 10 and he was drunk. He was stumbling around in my house so I had to put him down on the couch. I was only helping him to get comfortable and he pulled me and I fell and we ended up making out,” I said all that with the same intonation with no clear articulation, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jaime and Avela didn’t actually understand what I just said.

Oh, but they did.

They were still staring at me with their eyes popping out of their skull. Avela was the first one to come back from the initial shock and actually said something.

“Okay… Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. What happened after that?” She asked hesitantly, as if she didn’t actually want to know the answer.

“Uh… We kinda–“

“YOU GUYS DID IT? OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS DID!” Jaime yelled as he cupped his own face in disbelief. I could have sworn my face was as red as a freaking boiled lobster.

“No! No we didn’t, but it was close” I said barely above whisper, I was so ashamed with what happened I couldn’t bring myself to even look at Avela and Jaime in the eyes.

“But nothing actually happened?” Avela made sure one more time.

I shook my head and let my head hung low; I knew I was about to cry again if I didn’t do something about it. Avela seemed to notice that because in a flash she was already next to me, rubbing my back and soothing me.

“It’s okay Cass, nothing happened, right? And you said he was drunk, he probably wouldn’t remember it” She tried cheering me up, but that doesn’t make any difference.

“Yeah, that’s also the problem” I looked up to Avela then Jaime.

“What do you mean?”

“He said he loves me, last night before he passed out” I rubbed my nose because I was already crying. “If he doesn’t remember anything, then he wouldn’t remember saying those words to me” I broke down crying onto Avela’s shoulder.

“Well… Do you feel the same way?” Jaime asked, carefully.

I stayed quiet. I knew how I felt towards Tony; I knew that I am deeply and irrevocably in love with him. But admitting it out loud? To other people? That seemed all too… real.

“Cass?” Jaime called again.

“Yes, yes I do. Which is why I’m freaking out and I feel like I’m ruining everything I had with Tony”

“Well then, why don’t you just go after Tony? I mean, as dumb as he may acts, I know that he actually meant what he said”

“I don’t want him and Jessie to break up, I don’t want to ruin someone’s relationship. Even though I want Tony to myself, Jessie doesn’t deserve that” I muttered and played with my hands.

Suddenly Avela let go of my body and took a seat next to mine. “Jaime, baby, can you give us a minute?” She said and Jaime nodded, he went into the living room and patted my back on his way there.

“Cassie, look at me. I know I’m just your little sister, but I know you better than anyone here. I know that you don’t want to come between their relationship because of what happened with mom, right?”

I nodded softly, ashamed that I am actually close into being in the same position as my mother. The prostitute.

You see, that line of work comes with a million risks. The first thing that would come to people’s minds when they are faced with that sentence, all they think about is the disease that they are bound to have. But they didn’t think about what being a prostitute might do to someone’s life, someone’s family. I was just a little girl, but I understood enough to know that what my mother did had caused a lot of broken families and relationship.

That is the last thing I wanted to be.

“I know that this is hard, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. But we’re not home wreckers, Cass. Our mom might be, but we sure as hell aren’t one” She smiled kindly, still grabbing my arm. I know what she said was true and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I did cause their relationship to fall apart.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I don’t know what to do” I buried my face into my palms, I feel helpless.

“Hey, the Cassie I know won’t sweat about things like this. She’s the strongest, most independent and admirable person I have ever seen walked the face of the earth. Cassandra Hayes wouldn’t let a guy dictate her life, especially if that guy made her doubt herself” She squeezed my arm and I looked up, she was smiling at me the way mothers would smile at her daughter to show her that everything is going to be okay.

I realized what Avela said was true. I have never been so weak before, especially because of a guy. I really need to get my head back in its place. I know that I need to push my feelings for Tony aside; even though it will be virtually impossible, but it’s the only way I can save what I have with Tony.