One Hundred Sleepless Nights

“Here you go, drink some” I put a cup of hot tea on the table, she was still crying, even though it wasn’t as hysterical, she was still pretty shaken up about the whole thing.

“Thanks” She muttered, pulling her cup closer to her.

“What are you going to do now French?” I took a seat opposing her, taking a sip of my own cup.

“I honestly don’t know. I wish I could just die so I wont have to deal with this. Ever”

“Why are you so upset about getting pregnant? I mean, I thought you and Mike were going serious?” To other people that question might be a little too straightforward but it’s Frenchi, she’s the most straightforward person I have ever met in my entire life.

“Have you seen the guy?! Do you really think he is capable of raising a baby? He can’t even take care of himself, let alone a fucking baby,” She shouted, raising her arms in the air in despair.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love that man to death. But a baby is a whole different story Cass, I don’t even think Mike wants a baby. At least not now, they’re touring all the time and I think Mike still wants to have his freedom” She added.

“Yeah, I understand. But don’t you think he deserves to know? He is the dad after all”

She shook her head violently. “No, no way in hell I’m going to tell him. He is never going to find out about the baby. I don’t even think I’m going to keep it, what’s the point of telling him if I’m just going to get rid of it anyway”

My eyes went wide as she said those sentences. “Wh… You’re going to get an abortion?”

“I don’t see any other option Cassie! I don’t want to raise this baby alone and I sure as hell don’t wanna get dumped by Mike because he got me knocked up!” She buried her face into her palms and started sobbing again.

Man, I didn’t really know what to say to Frenchi. She seemed pretty sure that she didn’t want the baby and I don’t think there’s anything I could say that would change her mind. I’m against abortion, all the way, I think that it’s a cruel thing to do and my logic is that when you are having unprotected sex, it means that you are ready to be a parent. Why else would you be stupid enough to not use protection if you don’t want to get pregnant?

Even with a mother like mine and Avela’s, I think all babies deserves to be born. It’s just inhuman to just take the chance of someone to be living because you made a mistake and forgot the condoms, but I know I can’t say that to Frenchi, at least not now.

“Cassie, you have to promise me, promise me your life that you won’t say anything to Mike” She grabbed my hand, still crying and sobbing.

I hesitated; I really still think that Frenchi should tell Mike, because what if Mike turns out to be an amazing dad? She will never know because she didn’t have the guts to tell him.

“Cassie! Promise me!” She said a little bit louder.

“Alright, alright. I promise I wont say anything”

“Thank you. Will you help me with all this? I don’t think I can deal with it on my own”

“The pregnancy?”

“The abortion. I want you there when it happens”

I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath, I was dreading the moment she asked me that. I don’t think I can deal with it as well.

“Please? You’re the only one I can trust, Cassie,” She pleaded.

“Fine, but we need to go to the doctor first. Get the baby checked out and everything, deal?” I put up my pinky up to her face.

“Fine, we’ll go tomorrow. I don’t want to live with this thing any longer”



Today I was supposed to take Frenchi to the doctor. After the initial shock yesterday, Frenchi was a lot calmer today when I called her to confirm the appointment. After I did a little cleaning up in my apartment, I drove over to Mike and Frenchi’s to pick her up.

Once I got there, I parked my car in the driveway and knock on the door to have Mike open the door.

“Hey you, what are you doing here?” He asked with a wide smile.

“I’m picking up your woman, we’re going shopping today,” I said smiling. I was actually disgusted with myself with the fact that I could just lie like that so easily.

“Well come in, she’s upstairs. Lemme get her” He closed the door behind me and jogged up the stairs.

I stood awkwardly in the living room, scanning the area and my gaze fell on a photograph mounted on the wall. It was a blown up picture of the guys, Frenchi, Rachel and I after one of Pierce The Veil’s show in Los Angeles. Frenchi was up on Mike’s back, Rachel and Vic was doing ‘The Thinker’ pose and Tony was holding me close from behind. I wasn’t even looking at the camera; I was looking up at Tony and giving a huge smile.

This whole thing with Frenchi had taken up all my thoughts since yesterday, I didn’t even have time to wallow myself over Tony. In another situation I could almost be glad about it, but now I just can’t shake the guilt of letting myself get dragged into this. I feel like I have no sense of standpoint for just ignoring what I believe.

“I remember that. We had so much fun that night, you woke up with the worst hangover in the history of hangovers” I jumped at the sound of Frenchi’s voice next to me. She was dressed in a black skater-dress and black strappy sandals, her eyes were puffy and in overall, she looked exhausted and lifeless.

“Yeah, I miss those times. You ready?”

Frenchi nodded and we both made our way to the door after saying goodbye to Mike. The drive to the clinic was agonizing and silent; Frenchi was looking out the window, drowning in her own thoughts and I just couldn’t stop myself from feeling like shit about doing this.

When we got to the clinic, I dropped Frenchi at the lobby and I went to look for parking. Right now I wished things between Tony and I were still the same, I could ask him anything without him being all judgmental and weird about it. I got out of the car and walked towards the cold and chemical smelling clinic.

“You alright?” I asked after I spotted Frenchi in the waiting room.

“No? I feel like the worst person in the world” She played with the hem of her dress.

“Well then don’t do it,” I said plainly.

“Stop doing that, don’t make me do things I don’t want to. I hate it when people do that, you know damn well I do”

“Sorry” I said quietly. “Why didn’t you use protection anyway? I thought you were always on birth control?”

“I am, that’s why I didn’t think I was pregnant before. All the symptoms like nausea, breast tenderness, and missing period are consistent with the use of birth control. But then I noticed that my stomach was looking a little bloated, that’s when I took the test. I really thought I was careful” She started sobbing again as she struggled to finish the last part of her sentence.

I held her hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Everything is going to be okay honey, I’m here for you and you know it” I pull her close and wrapped my arm around her shoulder.

“Francesca?” One of the nurse called out and Frenchi stood up immediately. “The doctor is ready for you now” She nodded and I followed behind her to see the doctor.

Once we were inside, we were welcomed with gazillion pictures of babies, the female anatomy and all those weird things.

“Francesca? My name is doctor Cindy Nguyen and what can I do for you today?” She shook both of our hands and smiled.

Frenchi was staring blankly at her and I could hear her breath increasing rapidly, she was about to have a panic attack. “Uh, I think she might be pregnant, but we’re not sure so we’re here to… uh… make sure” I answer the question for her.

“Ah, alright. Well why don’t you lie down and I’ll get started on the ultrasound” She turned sharply on her heels and went outside.

She returned with a nurse trailing behind her carrying a clipboard and told Frenchi to lie back and pull up her shirt. She squeezed a clear blue gel on her stomach and turned on the ultrasound machine.

“Hm… If you are indeed pregnant, you’ll be able to see a tiny little blip– Oh! There it is,” She pointed at the little gray blip on the monitor and I can hear Frenchi gasp as she covered her mouth with both her hands.

“You are approximately 6 weeks along, by this time your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute” The doctor rambled on as I watched in awe the tiny little blip on the monitor that is soon becoming a human-shaped baby.

“French? You okay?” I looked at Frenchi who is silently crying with her hands still on her mouth.

She took a deep breath and lowered her hand. “Can I get a print copy of the… blip?”

“Sure, of course. I’ll let you two have a minute and then I’ll come back and you can ask questions about the pregnancy” The nurse cleaned Frenchi’s belly and gave us two a minute alone.

“Are you okay?”

“That thing is inside my belly. I have a life inside my belly and soon it’s going to have a face” She sobs as she stuttered her sentences.

I rubbed her arm, trying to comfort her. “I can’t… I can’t do this Cass” She shook her head violently and continues crying.

“I know, let’s ask the doctor whether it’s too late or not to have an abortion I’m sure–“

“No, I mean I can’t go through with the abortion. I can’t kill something sweet and innocent because of Mike. I’m keeping it, I’m keeping that… fucking blip,” She continues to stare at the monitor while rubbing her belly in reflex.

I swear hearing Frenchi say that made my face light up a thousand suns. “Really? Fuck yeah! I’m going to be an aunt!” I stood up and gave Frenchi a tight hug.

She chuckled and sat up form the bed. “Don’t tell Mike though, I’m going to tell him myself. Hopefully he’ll be okay with it, but hey, if you find me sitting on your doorstep one day, it means I’m all alone and knocked up” She laugh lightly, trying to make light of the situation.

“Don’t worry, if he that happens, you’re always welcome to stay with me” I grinned.

When the doctor reentered the room, she began to tell Frenchi about all the test they’re going to be doing on her, like a pap smear, pelvic exam, and all that thingamajig. Looking at Frenchi, she looked a lot happier than when she entered the clinic, she looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulder.

Now I just have to worry about Mike’s reaction to the news, I swear if he kick Frenchi out of the house, I’m going to kick his fucking balls and feed it to a hungry lion.