One Hundred Sleepless Nights

10 DAYS TO LONDON



I have been through a lot of low times in my life, and when I say a lot, I really mean it. I’ve had people around me telling me or praising me on how resilient I am and the fact that I don’t let things bring me down. But the truth is, things do bring me down, I just hide it exceptionally well. I started to develop this mask I have when I started middle school, the first time I got bullied by my peers. It’s difficult growing up with everybody knowing your business and it’s definitely hard when that business includes the fact that your mother is a prostitute and the fact that she killed herself. All the way through high school, I tried to mask my emotions and put on a front as if nothing they said got to me. University was a lot forgiving, because people just simply don’t give a shit. I thought I had found my turning point, my start over; but then I met Eric, my first boyfriend. That’s when I started to drink like there was no tomorrow.

A lot of people resort into self-harming, drugs or even suicide; I chose to deal with it with copious amount of liqueur. I started to drink away my sorrows back in university when my Eric dumped me for a foreign student from Germany. Kristin took me out drinking and I ended up bringing home 3 extra bottles of Smirnoff Vodka, which tasted like rubbing alcohol. When my sister left I drank, when I failed my final exam and threatened to lose my scholarship, I drank.

When Tony fucked me and told me that it was a mistake. I drank.

The wedding was a week ago and the moment Vic and Rachel dropped me off my apartment, I broke down in hysterics and began my weeklong drinking binge. By the number of bottles scattered around my bedroom and the living room, I’m surprised I was still alive. I chuckled and shook my head, a sad smirk formed my lips as I thought, my sister went into rehab and I’m here, drinking my life away.

Sitting on the floor and leaning onto the bed, I took a long, final swig from the green Jameson bottle and threw it across the room, hitting the wall and breaking into a million little pieces. Like my heart.

I was done crying days ago, I actually felt like my body couldn’t even produce tears anymore because when I felt like I was crying, there were no tears coming out from my eyes. I would just sit down in a corner and stare into space, not moving whatsoever. I haven’t taken a shower in a week, I haven’t eaten in a week, I haven’t gotten outside my room for a week, and in 10 days I’ll be moving to fucking England.

I was going to tell everybody about London after the wedding hype had subsided, but right now I couldn’t even bear to think about the guys without breaking down and feeling like the world’s stupidest person. I actually thought about just leaving without telling anybody, but then I figured that it wouldn’t be fair to the others. It’s none of their faults that Tony is a fucking asshole and I realized that I couldn’t do that to my best friends.

I should be packing right now instead of puking my guts out. I should be spending the last few weeks I have with my friends instead of locking myself in my room, drunk out of my mind. I know what the right things to do are, but I just can’t bring myself to do them. Especially since there’s a possibility that I could run into Tony at one of the guys’ house and if I took off, the rest of the guys would suspect that something was up.

I was about to crawl into the dresser to grab another bottle of liqueur when I heard a faint knocking on the door. As I did for the past few days, I ignored it. I turned off my phone, unplugged my house phone and completely ignoring whoever knocked on the door. I knew when went under the radar, the guys would soon look for me, but I wasn’t ready to face anyone, certainly not my best friends.

“Cassandra, are you in there?!” I heard yelling, muffled by the door, outside my apartment. I couldn’t tell whether it was Avela or one of the girls.

I ducked down until I laid flat on the floor; as if it would prevent the girls from knowing I was inside. After a few bangs on the door, the room finally went silent. I sat back up thinking that the girls gave up and had left my apartment, but moments later I heard a loud bang and an even louder crash coming from outside my bedroom. I let my body fell to the floor and laid flat as I covered my ears with both my hands, I was utterly terrified thinking that they actually broke into my house.

I closed my eyes and held my breath as I heard multiple footsteps approaching, I flinched when I heard my bedroom door flung open and hit the wall behind it.

“Oh my God, CASSIE!” I felt my body being shaken and Avela’s voice breaking as she burst into tears.

“Ave move over” I furrowed my eyebrows when I heard Jaime’s voice. I felt strong arms flipping me over and lifting me before placing me gently on my bed.

I opened my eyes slowly when I felt Jaime slapping me awake gently. “Cassie can you hear me?” I can hear the panic in his voice so I tried to give him a small nod.

“Ave, get water from the kitchen and a cold towel” Jaime spoke with such authority.

“I’m fine, don’t be so serious” I slurred, waving a hand.

“Shut up Cassandra, you stupid idiot” Jaime muttered under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

Because I was completely out of it and the fact that my head hurts like a bitch, I chose to close my eyes instead of getting back at him for calling me a name like that.

“Hey, hey open your eyes. Stay with me, I don’t want to lose you” Jaime smacked my face gently to wake me up.

Then out of nowhere I started bawling my eyes out, Jaime scooted closer and held me in his arms while I cried on his shoulder. We stayed like that for roughly 5 minutes before he finally pulled back and held me by my shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Jaime asked gently. I could see Avela standing behind him with a glass of water on her hand, crying.

I shook my head, saying no. I let myself go out of Jaime’s grip and walked, wobbly, towards Avela and hugged her.

“Why are you crying?” I whispered as she cried.

“What happened to you? I’ve never seen you this… Broken. Who did this to you?” Avela asked between sobs.

“It doesn’t matter, please stop crying,” I said as I started crying again. I feel like I failed again, I was supposed to be strong for Avela, I was supposed to be the strong one for my little sister.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up and we can talk about it okay” Jaime peeled Avela from me and pushed me into towards the bathroom.

“Do you need help?” Avela asked, still letting out small sobs.

I nodded. I didn’t actually need help cleaning up after myself; I was terrified of what I might do in the bathroom. So when Avela went inside to turn on the water, I stripped down with my back facing the mirror. My hair was greasy and sticky, my skin was cracked and dry as the Saharan Desert, and when I look to my abdomen down to my feet, all I can see were bones protruding out of my skin.

“Come on, the water is warm. Let me wash your hair” Avela stick out her hand for me to take and she pulled me inside the shower. I sat down on the floor so Avela could wash my hair and all that time I thought, my sister has grown up.

She lathered my hair with shampoo and I wash my body, slowly. As the hot water cascade down my back, I can feel my body slowly unwind, it made me feel like a million bucks and actually sobered me up a lot.

Avela handed me a new towel from the cabinet when I stepped out of the bathroom and when we both got out of the steaming bathroom, I saw Jaime sweeping my room and throwing all the empty bottles of alcohol into a large black plastic bag.

“Oh, I’ll give you two some time” Jaime blushed when he saw me in my towel so he went outside and closed the door behind him.

“I’m fine, you can wait out with Jaime,” I said giving her a faint smile. Avela nodded and followed Jaime into the living room.

[center***

“So, are you ready to talk to us?” Avela opened up the conversation carefully.

We are all sitting on my bed, Jaime and Avela facing me and each of us has our own cup of hot tea. I was pretty much sobered up, but the nagging headache was still present.

“I don’t really know what to talk about” I mumbled

“Is it Tony?”

As soon as I heard Tony’s name, my throat began to constrict and I felt my eyes began to moist from the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself but it doesn’t seem to work when I felt a warm sensation on my cheeks. I bent down to grab my purse and I fished the little note Tony left the morning after.

I kept the note as a reminder. To remind me that trusting Tony was a mistake, being vulnerable only makes you an easier target for disappointment and a reminder that whatever Tony and I had, is over.

I handed the crumpled piece of paper to Avela and she took it with a confused look. Jaime leaned in to Avela and both of them read the note in silence.

“Wh–“ Avela started but she got caught off my Jaime who was balling his fist and holding back his anger.

“YOU AND TONY FUCKED?!” If this was an episode of a cartoon show, there will literally be smoke fuming out of Jaime’s nose and ears because of how furious he was. “AND HE LEFT?!”

I couldn’t find my voice so I nodded and began crying again. Avela slapped Jaime’s hand, muttering about how harsh he was talking and leaned forward to give me a hug. I was sobbing in Avela’s arm when suddenly Jaime stood up from the bed.

“Where are you going?” I asked sounding extremely nasally.

“Where am I going? I’m going to fucking kill Tony,” He said turning his back on us and walking towards the door. I knew he wasn’t being dramatic, I knew he would actually hurt Tony.

“No! Don’t!” I yelled before he got out of sight, I scrambled off of Avela’s arm and onto the floor, falling flat on my chest. “Please don’t,” I whimpered, trying to get up and talk at the same time.

I heard Jaime sighed and went back to help me on my feet. I hugged him tight, “I don’t want to break you guys’ friendship, please”

Jaime let go of my hug and held me on my shoulder. His face was tense and his eyes were filled with hatred and rage. “How am I supposed to let this go when Tony did this to you? He’s one of my best friends, I know, but you are like a sister to me, Cassie. I couldn’t give a single fuck about my friendship with him if he treats you like this” He was shaking and I could tell he was just moments away from breaking down.

“Just let it go; it’s my fault for trusting him. It was my mistake and he clearly knows that, I was a mistake”

“I can’t sit here and do nothing Cass, he hurt you!” Jaime’s yelling caused me to flinch; I was so scared he was going to hurt me, or himself.

Avela went to Jaime’s side and rubbed his back in an attempt to cool him down, because we both know if he actually went over to Tony’s, it’ll ruin more than their friendship.

“Please, please promise me you won’t do anything stupid when I’m gone. Think about the band, Hime. Please” I begged

“Fine, I’m doing this for you, okay? If it were up to me, he would be buried six feet under by now”

“I know. Thank you, Hime” I gave Jaime another hug and he returned the gesture.

After Jaime’s temper had calmed down, we agreed that it was time for me to eat. Well, Avela and Jaime did, I wasn’t really feeling up to par but they insisted that I needed to eat after a weeklong alcohol diet. Avela stayed with me in the living room while Jaime worked his magic in the kitchen.

“So, have you told the guys yet about London?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know how, honestly. I don’t want them to feel like I’m abandoning them after what they’ve done for me”

“Hey! That’s not true and none of us will thought that way!” Jaime shouted from the kitchen, not taking his gaze off the stove.

I chuckled lightly. “Yeah? So how should I tell the guys?” I shifted from my position in the couch to face Jaime.

He turned around and bit his lip, thinking of an answer to say. “I’d say just throw a party. It seems like that’s how we break news nowadays” Jaime shrugged and that caused Avela and me to laugh, because it’s true.

“Alright, a farewell party then?” Avela suggested.

“No! The news-breaking party, then the farewell party” said Jaime, pointing the air with a tomato sauce covered spatula.

“Alright, it’s settled then. We’re throwing another party!”