One Hundred Sleepless Nights

I stood with both my hands on my hips as I took one last look at my now empty apartment. A rush of déjà vu suddenly overwhelms my entire being as I remembered the day I packed my tiny apartment and hauled it over to San Diego. The only difference is that this time, I was scared out of my mind. Back then I had Tony and the guys to make sure I wasn’t alone, even though my little sister was being shipped to rehab, I had my support system. This time I was literally by myself, and that scared the shit out of me. I have no idea what London is like, apart from the movies, because I’ve never gone out of the country in entire life.

“Hey, you ready?” I snapped my head up and saw Avela standing in the doorway with Jaime standing behind her.

“Yeah, I was just taking one last look at this place. I’m going to miss this crammy little apartment,” I laughed.

Avela walked over to me and gave me a one-armed hug. “Don’t cry Cass, I swear if you do I’m going to cry and we’re all going to cry” She gave me a sad smile.

“Where are you staying when you get to London?” Jaime broke the sad-fest and closed the door behind him.

“An apartment. The company set it up for me, it’s close to the office and I only need to take the tube” I shrugged.

“Tube?” Jaime raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s the subway I think. I don’t know it’s what the woman on the phone told me. I just assumed it was some kind of subway” I grinned and Jaime rolled his eyes.

“Well, we better get going or you’re going to miss your flight” Jaime said as he looked down to his watch.

I nodded and went to get my luggage from the living room, I dragged two large ones and gave one to Jaime for him to put in the car and went out the door after taking a big breath and one glance around my apartment. I gave the keys to the landlord earlier this morning and he helped me lug the cardboard boxes of my stuff from the apartment and into the shipping truck. The company had suggested that I had my stuff shipped and thankfully they had offered to pay for it expedited.

I went in the car with Avela and Jaime while the rest of the guys rode on Mike’s and met us at the airport. The ride to the airport was silent, and it was the sad, depressing silence. I couldn’t bring myself to talk because I was too occupied with my own thoughts. It was mostly Tony.

Two days ago the guys threw me a farewell party at Mike’s place and I am not kidding when I say literally everybody I know was there. The entire band and the crew where there with their respective girlfriends or wives, the parentals were there, even some of the guys’ friends were there to celebrate my departure.

Everybody was there, except for Tony.

Up to this day, I still don’t know where Tony is, none of the guys do. I tried to bring him up in conversations and such to find out where he was but every time I brought him up, Jaime always changed the topic almost immediately. I figured it’s because he was scared that I might get depressed again, but I can’t help to think about him anyway. It’s like I have Stockholm Syndrome or something, I always find myself wanting to be with Tony even through all the shit he put me through.

“Hey, you okay?” I snapped back to reality and saw Jaime looking at me with worry from the rearview mirror.

“Yeah… No, I’m just wondering that’s all” I shot him a sad smile. Avela turned around from her seat to face me.

“About?”

“Tony” I said barely above whisper.

I can see Avela rolling her eyes and hear Jaime let out a loud sigh. “You need to forget him Cass, seriously, I love you but you need to stop doing this to yourself”

“I know, I know. I realize that but I just don’t get why he’s not here, I’m moving away and he just decided to not show up?”

I saw Jaime and Avela exchanged looks, and Avela rolled her eyes at Jaime before turning her gaze back to the road. I raised my eyebrows in suspicion.

“What was that?” I leaned forward so my head was between the front seats.

“What was what?” asked Jaime with his stupid poker face.

“The look you guys gave each other! Are you guys hiding something from me?” I poked Avela on her side and she squirmed in her seat.

“Jaime! Ask Jaime” She exclaimed, prying my hands off her side.

I looked over to Jaime with raised eyebrows, asking for an explanation.

“Okay, okay. Tony texted me a few days ago” Jaime said sounding defeated.

I immediately sat up; feeling like someone just knocked the life out of me. Then came the realization that my best friend had been talking to the guy I was so hopelessly in love with without saying anything to me.

“What?” I asked, calmly.

“Tony texted me a few days ago, telling me that he’s away so he can’t come to our little gathering”

“What do you mean he’s away?” I began to breathe fast and I can tell that I was about to cry again.

“He’s on a trip to Maldives with Jessie” Jaime said flatly, sounding almost appalled.

I sunk back into my seat, giving all I have to force back the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks. My chest became heavy and I had to keep telling myself to not cry in the backseat of my best friend’s car while my little sister sat in the front passenger seat. I kept telling myself to not be a freaking loser.

“Cass? Do I need to pull over?” Jaime said glancing to my direction.

I shook my head violently. “No, no. Keep driving, I’m fine”

“I’m sorry Cass” Avela looked at me with a look that I’ve been getting a lot since this whole Tony thing became a public thing.

“Why are you sorry? You’re not the one doing this to me” I tried to let out a laugh but it sounded like a dying whale.

“I didn’t want to tell you cause I know it’ll make things worse” Jaime sighed as he kept looking back at me through his rearview mirror.

“Well, now I do wish I didn’t know that” I let out a small chuckle. “Did you tell him I’m moving?” I asked both of them.

“No” Answered Jaime.

I nodded. “Good, don’t tell him anything”

“I’m sorry Cass, I swear the day he gets back I’m going to give him a piece of my mind” said Avela with clenched teeth.

“No, no. I don’t want him to know that I’m hurting. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction” I took a deep breath to calm myself down. “Now, let’s forget Tony and focus on me. I’m leaving Goddamn it” I threw in a laugh.

Avela and Jaime exchanged sad looks to each other before focusing back on the road. It kills me to know that my friends think of me as this vulnerable girl who can break anytime without warning. But I know that I brought this upon myself, I was the one who went on a downward spiral and brought everybody into my own mess.

“Hey, what’s going to happen to your car?” Jaime asked, breaking the silence that was surrounding the car.

“I asked Mike to sell it for me and forward the money to my account, I didn’t have enough time to do it myself” I shrugged and Jaime nodded, satisfied with my answer.

The drive went on for another hour due to traffic, so I was cutting it a little bit close. When we reached the airport entrance, I could feel my heart beating a million times faster than usual. I held my passport tightly on my right hand and my oversized knitted cardigan on my left.

“You ready?” Jaime looked back to my seat once he found parking.

I nodded and opened the door to hop off Jaime’s SUV. Jaime helped me with my luggage while Avela stay glued to my side, hand in hand as we made our way to the airport lobby. The rest of the guys were already waiting there, none of them sporting a happy look.

“Hey” I said greeting both nobody and everybody.

They all mumbled their greetings and walked inside the door, Jaime still dragging my suitcase. I was feeling extremely awkward about the whole thing because I had never been in this position before. Like, should I give them all a hug and just go? Or should I wait for them to make the first move and then leave?

“What time is your flight?” Mike snapped me from my debate.

“9:45, so I’ll land in London around 7-8 PM ish” I said studying the boarding pass I had in my hand.

“Ugh come here, I don’t want you to go” Frenchi suddenly pulled me into her arms and squeezed the living shit outta me.

I groaned in reflex and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m going to miss you too French. Uh, you’re making me cry” I said laughing, wiping a tear that were forming on my eyes.

“Group hug!” Jaime exclaimed and everybody moved closer, trapping me in the middle.

“Guys you’re suffocating me” I said gasping for air. Everybody laughed but let go after a few seconds, I straightened up my shirt and began to look at everybody one by one.

“I’m not sure how to do this, seeing I’ve never been this position before” I chuckled nervously. “But, I will fucking miss you guys to bits and I swear you guys are like the best thing that’s ever happened to me and–“ I couldn’t continue cause by that time tears were pouring down my face and my breathing was shallow.

“Cass don’t cry come on, you promised” Avela reached over to hug me and I began to cry on her shoulder.

I tried to gather myself and took deep breaths to calm myself down. “I just, you guys are probably the most important thing in my life and I want you guys to know that” I said between sobs.

“Aw sweetie, come here” Mike pulled me from Avela’s grip and gave me a tight hug, rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me down.

“Please don’t think of this as me leaving you guys” I said again, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“Of course not! You’re about to go to one of the most beautiful countries in the world, doing something that you love. You have been extremely supportive of our dreams and now it’s our time to do the same” Vic took me from Mike’s arms and gave me an equally tight hug.

“Okay, now not to break the love fest, but you need to hurry and get checked in. Don’t want you to miss the plane,” Casey piped up form behind Mal, who was holding back tears.

“Alright, come here guys, give me one last hug before I go” I said sounding nasally from all the crying.

Everybody gave me one last hug, saying ‘be good’ or ‘good luck’ as they held me close. I couldn’t stop crying, tears were falling rapidly like waterfall and even though I tried, I couldn’t stop it from falling.

“Wait! Before you go, we got something for you” Rachel grinned wickedly with his hands behind his back.

I squinted my eyes in suspicion. “What? Oh you’re going to make me cry again aren’t you?” I asked as I looked around at everybody who was grinning.

“Yes” Jaime answered with that stupid grin still plastered on his face and gave me an A4 sized gift, wrapped in a black wrapping paper.

“Don’t open it until you get settled in your new home, promise me?” Jaime held up his pinky and I, with a laugh, joined his with mine.

I went up to Avela who was still crying and gave her a long and tight hug. “I’m going to miss you the most baby sis, be good when I’m away okay? I’m only a phone call away. Don’t do anything stupid, got it?” I let go and held her by her arms.

She nodded and sniffed back the tears, giving me one last hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Flight number AW876 to London is now boarding through gate C, passengers can now proceed to board the aircraft”

“Alright, I guess I better go now. I love you guys, and Vic, I swear you better schedule a UK tour, fast,” I pointed at him with my finger in a threatening manner, and he replied with a laugh.

“I’ll see what I can do” He said and after giving everybody one last hug; I picked up my bags and went inside the glass doors.

After going through the security checks, I looked back and saw everyone still standing there, the girls were all crying and the boys were consoling them. I gave one last wave before boarding onto the plane.

When I finally found my seat after a few minutes of searching, I was thankful that I got the window seat. I couldn’t imagine if I have to sit through a 10-hour flight in the middle seat, being sandwiched by two strangers. I stowed my carryon on the compartment above the seat and shoved my handbag under the seat in front of me.

I had finally stopped crying, but now that I’m seated and buckled in, I began to start crying again. Remember when I said that I felt like it hasn’t hit me yet? Well it hits me now like a big yellow school bus.

I’m leaving San Diego, my family, and my friends.

I’m leaving my home.

I’m leaving everything that I have ever loved.

You know, to be honest, I was kind of hoping that Tony would suddenly show up at the airport and beg for me to not go to London, like in those romantic movies where the guy realizes how big of an idiot he has been and he realizes it just in time.

But I guess my life isn’t a romantic movie. My life is reality, a tragic and bitter reality.