Lost and Found

Brendon’s Point of View

I’m back in the dressing room with Spencer looking through wardrobe for tomorrow’s show. I think I’m a bit antsy today. Have you noticed? I’ve noticed. Have you?

Sighing heavily, I pushed myself passed Spencer. I couldn’t wait to leave. I wasn’t really paying attention to the racks of clothes. It’s not that I have anything against Spencer. He’s awesome. But it’s sometimes uncomfortable for me when it’s just him and I, mainly because he and Ryan have been best friends since they were five. It’s intimidating at times. With all the shit that has happened with Ryan and I, you know Jon and Spencer have noticed. And sometimes I wonder… if Ryan talks to Spencer about it. Does Spencer know something I don’t?

I really don’t understand why I’m so anxious. It’s not like Spencer’s going to threaten me or anything. I have nothing to worry about. This is getting to be a real pain in the ass. But what am I supposed to do? Leave? Yeah, right.

Ryan and Jon have already left. They went to go get coffee. Spencer and I stuck around… well, I don’t know why he stuck around, but I have to clean up the mess Jon and I made from throwing Fruit Loops at each other. Maybe this means that Spencer wants to talk to me… oh shit. Why did Jon and I have to be childish and throw cereal at each other?

I gotta get this picked up before Spencer says anything. I hope he doesn’t. I don’t want to answer. And I don’t want to have to tell him I don’t want to answer. That just makes it worse. Do you see? It’s a lose/lose situation.

Kneeling down near the couch, I picked up the pieces of cereal one by one. I soon scorned myself, changing to the method of using my hands to sweep them into a pile and picking up a handful. Standing up and going to throw them in the garbage, I see Spencer staring at me, his arms folded like a pretzel over his chest.

“W-what?” I choked. I had been trying to avoid this. I tried to avoid this every day. How stupid of me to think that it would work forever.

“Cleaning up after yourself, eh?” he asked. I nodded. “I see that Jon left you to do it yourself,” he continued, flicking his eyes to the blue carpet.

“Yep. He and Ryan had to have that coffee!” I sighed dramatically, trying to play a smile. “Must be that time he worked at Starbucks.” I chuckled.

“You gonna give him shit for not staying to help?” Spencer smirked, uncrossing his arms and jingling the keys in his hand.

“Nah. It’s not like it’s a big deal. I mean, I did start it.” I gave a small laugh, but I was really thinking about how having any conversation with anyone presented an opportunity for them to ask questions. What bothered me even more is the thought that they already knew and were just shoving it in my face. People shouldn’t know anything if you don’t tell them. It’s an invasion of privacy. But you see, that’s the case with Spencer and Ryan. They know each other so well that neither of them have to say what’s wrong.

“Yeah, well, it takes two to tango…” he said, trailing off as he walked out the door. The way he said it made me uneasy. I’m probably paranoid; no, scratch that, I know I’m paranoid, but he said it like he was referring to something other than the food fight between Jon and I.

I should have said something to maybe break some of the awkwardness I was now feeling. I hoped it was only me. But my words were stuck in my throat. It’s better this way. If I could find my words I’d probably end up saying something I didn’t want to say.

Sighing once again, I strode over to the dressing room door, tapping the door frame with my knuckles and biting my bottom lip. “You ready?” I called out the door to Spencer, who was leaning against the hallway wall.

He picked his head up from looking at the floor and nodded. We walked out to the car, getting in. I immediately turned the radio on. I need noise other than what was in my head. And I prayed that I wouldn’t be hearing Spencer’s voice on the ride to the hotel.

I rested my head against the window, feeling the rough texture of the road. I closed my eyes and tried to drown out everything by listening to the radio. ‘Ever The Same’ by Rob Thomas was on. I had liked this song up until now. This song now reminds me of Ryan. As of right now this song is cursed.

Intentionally banging my head once on the glass, I ran my hand through my hair and debated what Spencer would think if I changed the station, or possibly just turned the radio off. And another trait that I’ve developed while trying to put on a proper show for everyone is caring what people think. I’m normally a dork, but lately I find myself engaging in childish things just to divert everyone’s attention. Everything I do is half-hearted. I’m too preoccupied with trying to protect myself to be ‘me’. I’m not even myself anymore.

Deciding on just changing the station, I turned the dial and let it rest where I finished turning it. There was a commercial on. That seems odd. I wonder what Spencer’s thinking… A tiny groan escaped my lips against my will. I placed my hands between my legs and squeezed them together out of frustration, squishing my hands.

I was so caught up in my misery that I neglected to notice we had pulled up at the hotel. I was brought out of my daze by the sound of Spencer slamming his car door. Jerking my head up, I unbuckled by seat belt and climbed out the car. I closed my door and looked ahead to see Spencer waiting for me. I smiled slightly and caught up to him. He raised his arm and pushed in the button on the remote attached to his keys to lock his car.

I was actually extremely relieved. Contrary to what you might think, we each got our own room in this hotel. Therefore, I didn’t have to room with anyone, and most importantly, Ryan. Going up to the front desk, I stood and waited to see if Spencer was going to go ahead and ask the receptionist for our room keys. He glanced to me before nodding and stepping up to the desk and speaking to the monotone woman.

Glancing to me again with a peculiar grin on his face, he handed me my key. We used the stairs instead of the elevator to get to the second floor, walking down the red carpeted hall and stopping midway.

“See you later?” he questioned, playing with his room key in his hand. Man, he does that a lot…

“Of course,” I smiled. “You gotta deal with me all day tomorrow, we have a show. Get your rest. You’ll be tired of me soon.”

He smiled back and chuckled, shaking his head and walking to his door and opening it. “I’m taking a shower, man,” he informed, looking back to me once more before stepping inside his room and shutting the door.

Opening my door and looking around, the emptiness was soothing and frightening at the same time. No one was there to ask questions. I didn’t have to pretend.

I didn’t have to pretend.

And that is why the fear arose. I was so used to pretending that when I was alone I didn’t have to. Everything felt so foreign. Sad, I know. And while no one was there to ask questions, that just left me more time with myself and my thoughts. Which were mostly about Ryan. So while he wasn’t actually there, he might as well been.

Wandering over to my bed, I flopped face first on it, groaning into the pillow. Spencer never says much. But he always manages to drive me mad with what he does say. I wonder if he does it on purpose…

Breathing in the stale scent of the pillow case, I closed my eyes while my head echoed that one phrase Spencer had managed to hook me with; my daily demon.

‘Takes two to tango’

Yes Spencer, I know. But you’re not part of that tango. So stay out of it.