Passenger Seat

Shit hit the fan when news about what went down with Kota spread through our group. When Zayn had called Simon and told him what had happened with their publicist, he was livid. He gave Zayn the green light to go fire her ass right then and there. Simon also threatened to sue her if news of this ever got out, and threatened Taylor’s camp as well. Zayn was pissed and he wanted to air all that happened to the world, but everyone thought that overall, that wouldn’t be good for anyone’s career, so nothing was made public.

When Zayn called Harry and told him, Harry screamed at Taylor, in public, and broke up with her right then, and hopped on the next back to London. Some press got out about their public breakup but no one knew exactly what had happened with them, and it was apparently going to stay that way.

As we all predicted, Harry went straight to Kota and demanded she talk to him. Harry was angry for days, but after a while, his love for Dakota won out and now they’re more or less back together.

Niall was mad at me for not telling him about my argument with Taylor when it happened. I pretty much sat back and let him yell and get his frustration out. Eventually he calmed down and apologized for yelling and he let it go, but warned me that if someone threatened me again to tell him.

All that aside, Blue was getting ready to leave for America with You Me At Six soon. I had decided I wasn’t going, despite all their pleading. I was content with staying around London while everyone went off on tour.

This morning, Niall was off doing interviews getting ready for the Take Me Home world tour. In a few weeks the band would be off to Japan and Africa. It was a busy time for One Direction.

“Ah shit!” I heard Blue yell from down the hall. She popped into my bedroom, where I was reading the new John Green book, moments later, “Can you spare a few tampons? I completely forgot to get them while I was at the store yesterday.”

I nodded, “Yeah, they’re under my bathroom sink.”

“You’re a life saver! I forgot ‘Aunt Flow’ was coming today. Like clockwork I swear.”

I nodded absent at her comment before I froze. Like clockwork. I slammed my book closed and grabbed my phone to see the date. January 5th, “Shit,” I mumbled.

“What’d you say?” Blue asked as she came back into my room. “Why do you look so pale?”

“I’m an idiot.”

“Okay, I’m sure you’re right, but why this time?”

I was starting to have trouble breathing, “I… I…” I officially couldn’t breathe. I was hyperventilating.

Blue rushed to my side, “Ayden what the fuck? Are you okay?”

“MY PERIODS LATE!” I shrieked though breathes.

The stunned face she made didn’t go unnoticed, “Do you want me to throw you a baby shower or throw you down a flight of stairs?” I glared at her, “Okay, well, wait, calm down. How late are we talking?”

“Well at least 2 weeks this time, but I can’t remember the last time I got my period! I spotted a few times but that’s it.”

“Fuck,” she whispered. “Okay, take some slow deep breathes, there’s no reason to panic yet. There are many reasons your period could be weird. Have you lost weight?

“No.”

“Well you’ve been stressed, and overly tired lately, so maybe that’s why. Although those are also pregnancy signs too…”

“Blue!” I snapped, “Not helping!”

“Sorry, sorry! But okay, it’s probably nothing.”

“What reason would it be for missing my period to the point I don’t remember when I had it?”

“Cancer?” she offered. I shot her a panicked look, “Sorry, it’s the first thing that popped into my head! You know I’m not good with crisis!”

I stood up and started to pace, “I need to call my doctor. I mean, I’m on the pill but this isn’t normal. Oh fuck, is it sad that I’m praying it’s cancer?!”

Blue stood up too, “Okay, here’s the plan. You call your doctor and get an appointment. I’ll run to the drugstore and get a pregnancy test!” She grabbed my shoulders to stop me from pacing, “But you need to calm down Ayden. You’re going to pass out if you have a panic attack right now.”

I took a really deep breath, “Okay. Okay, you go to the store, I’ll call. Right.”

She pulled me into a hug, “It’s going to be fine Ayden. Either way, it’s going to be fine.”

I know she was trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it wasn’t helping. I was already spiraling downward.

*****

“Alright, I’m back!” Blue practically screamed as she ran back into our flat. She was breathing heavily, “My god I’m out of shape. I ran all the way here.”

“I called my doctors office, and the earliest she could get me in was next week. But they said if it’s an emergency that I could go in and get the next available doctor.”

She nodded, “Alright well here,” she said pulling the E.P.T. text out of the bag. “Pee on it and we wait 5 minutes.”

I snatched it out of her hands and raced into the bathroom. I’ve never felt more pee shy in my life. I felt like this pee alone sealed my fate and with all that pressure, it took forever to get even a drop out of me. Once I did pee on it, I capped it and left it on the counter and walked back into my room. Blue was sitting on my bed, “And now we wait.” I flopped down next to her. I was so anxious I was shaking.

“Ayden, it’s going to be okay.”

“No it’s not.” I was staring off into space, not really seeing anything at all. The past 8ish months with Niall were flying past my vision, almost like what I imagine it’d be like to have your life flash before your eyes. “We moved way to fast Blue. We just rushed into everything.”

“That’s what happens when you fall in love,” she said tentatively. “You can’t control it.”

“No, I guess not. But now… Now I may have just ruined everything. My life, his...” My throat was getting tight, but I refused to cry. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is my fault, I’ve been irresponsible, I should have noticed this a while ago.”

“Ayden, if you just talk to Niall and explain-”

“No,” I cut her off. “No, I have to figure this out then figure out what I’m going to do.”

She reached over and grabbed my shaking hand, “Whatever happens, whatever that test or the doctor says, I’m right here with you. I’ll support you, whatever you decide to do.”

I tried to smile, but I don’t think it reached my lips, “Thanks.” She pulled me into her and we just sat there in silence, her wrapping her arms around me as if she was trying to protect me from the world. “Do you think it’s been more than 5 minutes?” I asked after what was clearly longer than 5 minutes. I had just not wanted to face the music yet.

“Yeah, I think so. So you want me to look for you?”

I pulled away from her and stood up, “No, I have to do this.”

I walked over to the bathroom, leaving the door open so Blue could see me. I stood at the counter, in front of the over turned test trying to get the courage to turn it over and see the results. “Remember Ayden, no matter what it says there’s still a chance its wrong. We’ll go to the doctor right after if you want.”

I nodded, still looking at the text, “Yeah, okay.” I took a few deep breathes before I finally grabbed the test in my shaky hand. With one more deep breath I flipped it over.

I swear I felt the word tilt. I don’t remember what happened, but I was now sitting on the floor with my back pressed against the wall. Blue was kneeling next to me, not sure what to do. The test was still in my hand, my fist around it tight. “It’s… I’m… How could this happen?”

Blue reached over and pride the stick out of my hand. I heard her suck in a breath before to tossed it back on the counter, “Ayden, Ayden!” she said shaking my shoulders to get me to look at her, “It could be wrong. You don’t know that you’re for sure pregnant. Come on, let’s go to the doctor and get a definitive answer.”

I barely remember nodding in response. I don’t even really remember walking out the door and getting into her car, but here we were, on our way to the doctors.

“I can’t. I can’t do this Blue. I can’t have a baby, not now. I’m only 20!”

“I know love, but-”

“There is no ‘but’ Blue!” I snapped at her. “My boyfriend is 19 and in the 21st centuries version of The Beatles! He can’t raise a kid right now, he’s hardly in one place for longer than a few months! That’s no life to bring a kid into.” I threw my head back against the head rest, staring out the window, “I’m so stupid. I knew I shouldn’t have done any of this with Niall. I shouldn’t have let love make me so dumb.”

“Ayden, calm down.”

“I can’t!” Tears were seeping from my eyes and I whipped them away angrily, “My life is over!”
She was quiet for the rest of the ride. I felt bad for snapping at her but I couldn’t bring myself to apologize. I felt like if I opened my mouth all that would come out were sobs. I managed to get the tears to stop, but there were right there behind my eyes ready to fall at any given second.

When we got to the doctor’s office, we were told to wait in the waiting room for them to call my name. I felt like we were waiting for hours. Niall called my phone a few times, but after ignoring his call 3 times I finally shut it off. I couldn’t even think about talking to him right now.

We sat there for about 3 hours until I was finally called it, where we sat in a room and waited another half hour until a doctor came in. She was this pretty, early 30’s women whose bubbly attitude wouldn’t bug me if it were any other situation.

“I’m going to rush this test since you look ready to faint,” she said after she took my blood. “I’m not worried about these results,” she said glancing at my chart, “It says you’re on the pill, so it may just be you’re hormones out of whack.” The thought honestly didn’t make me feel better.

“How long will it take?” Blue asked.

“15 to 20 minutes.” All I could do was nod as she left the room.

“Blue,” I said out loud after a moment of deafening silence.

“Yeah.”

“I’m breaking up with him.”

There was a long pause before she replied, “There’s still a chance you aren’t pregnant.”

I shrugged, “Doesn’t matter. Either outcome I know what I have to do. It’s like a horrible cosmic sign or something.”

She sighed, “I think you’re just making rash decisions and maybe you should take a second to think it all through.”

I was shaking, “Maybe.

“I mean, if you think it’s best, just slow down your relationship. But don’t end it over something like this. You need him right now more than anything. You love him right?”

“Yes. Of course I do. I just-”

“Then that’s all that matters.” She said matter-of-factly.

I rolled my eyes at her comment but didn’t say anything. She grabbed a magazine, clearly done with our conversation.

It was completely silent the rest of the time we waited for the results. “Are you ready to find out if you’re a mommy?”

I grimaced at her comment, “Yeah, I guess so.”

She sat down on a wheelie chair and scooted closer to me, “Well, I think you’ll be glad to hear that you are not pregnant.” As soon as she said that it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me and I could breathe again. “What could be causing your lack of period is stress, lack of sleep, or even your eating habits. A number of things really.”

I nodded, “Okay.”

“And if you want to be extra careful,” she continued, “Have your partner wear condoms. The pill is only 98% affective, so if you use condoms on top of that, there’s virtually no chance of pregnancy if you use both correctly.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

After I signed a few papers, we were out of there. I felt so drained from the crazy life spiral I went through in the span of a day. I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep for days.

I did just that when we got back to our flat. I changed out of my clothes into yoga pants and one of Niall’s tank tops and practically dove into my bed headfirst.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke up sometime later, it was dark outside and someone was knocking on my bedroom door.

“What?”

“It’s Niall,” I heard muffled through the door.

I sighed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, “Come in.”

It weas dark in my room, but from the small amount of light coming the street lamp outside my window I could just make him out. He had a worried expression across his features, “Hey, where have you been? I’ve been calling you all day.” He took his shoes off and crawled into my bed with me, “Are you okay.”

I shook my head and had trouble looking him in the eye. Instead I focused on my hands tracing the words on his shirt.

“Ayden? What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, “I… we need to talk about some stuff.”

“okay…”

I finally glanced up at him, “I went to the doctor today.”

“The way you say that makes me think like you’re about to tell me something horrific.”

“No. Well yeah, I don’t know. I… I went to get a pregnancy test.”

I watched his face go blank, and if there was more light in the room, I’d probably be able to see all the color drain from his face as well, “Holy shit,” he breathed out. “Are you-”

I shook my head looking down again. I couldn’t look at his face anymore, “No, I’m not. But it made me realized that we’ve been moving way too fast. And we haven’t been together long enough for me to be freaking out about a pregnancy.”

“But you just said you’re not pregnant, so I don’t see the problem…”

“The problem,” I said slowly, “is I was so freaked out because I thought I had ruined our lives. We’ve been careless, I’ve been careless.”

“Alright, but we can work on this. You’re not pregnant, so we’ll learn from this experience. We’ll start taking things slower.” He grabbed my hand that was tracing his shirt, and laced our fingers together.
I took a shaky breath, “Yeah, I guess that’s what I want. I want to take things slower. Way slower.”

“Anything you want, we’ll do it.”