Little Green Pills

Week One
It's Monday. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes into hours and hours into days. Time becomes an inexhaustible resource but all that is accomplished is the bare minimum - basic hygiene, perfunctory responses to social texts, grades just high enough to maintain scholarships, just enough food to keep from starving and a few hours of sleep to keep from going insane. Somehow I manage to spend 16 hours a day in my bed without being bored, or lonely, or anything. For hours on end that bare, white walls fascinate me day after day. Weekends come and there is no bare minimum that must be accomplished. With time so slow it feels as if I have a week to do whatever I want. Still, the walls keep my interest so well that by the time Monday comes, I haven't even left bed. They are so captivating that I don't feel the parching of my throat, the acid eating at my stomach as there is nothing else for it to consume, or even the pressure in my lower abdomen from a bladder ready to burst. I've forgotten to take the little green pills.

Week Two
Attending class on Monday, I'm sucked back into reality as people hand in homework from the previous week and I realize I completely forgot to do it. Damn those captivating white walls. The lesson builds on the previous topic and I struggle to keep up, not remembering what was covered the week before. The library becomes my home as I try to catch up on everything from the previous week. Sunday night comes and tears stain my books, papers, and cheeks as my throat is constricted by an invisible boa and I fight for air. My heart slams into my rib cage, threatening to burst. A panic attack has set in as I realize how far behind I am. I fight my narrow throat to get the small yellow pill of Xanax down and within minutes my muscles have relaxed enough to send me into a dreamless sleep.

Week Three
Even the cloudiest of skies look sunny on this Monday. The insistent ringing of my alarm clock blares through the house, causing my head to pound in time with the beeps. I want to turn it off but it's all the way across the house. Stepping out of the shower, I increase the volume of the speakers projecting the music from my iPod. I wiggle around like an idiot, attempting to dance, and belt out the playing lyrics as I get ready for the day. When I make it to class, it's obvious I wasn't as nearly behind as I believed the night before. Within two days I'm entirely caught up and have the following week's homework done. I have no need to sleep. My evenings become filled with shopping, writing, visits to the gym, and many hours spent at clubs and bars. I can't help but hate myself as Sunday rolls around and I find an empty bank account, a strange bedfellow and hangover. I love being happy but when I am, I feel invincible and make dumb choices. With tears bound to overflow, I swallow my green pills.

Week One, again
The cycle repeats. I'm now numb again. A week of despair and one of mania convince me I need those little green pills for stability. At least until the weekend comes and I'm too much of a zombie to remember to take them.