You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

The tension in the room was unbearable. Matt continuously paced back and forth, sighing heavily with furrowed brows as if he were comprehending something very difficult to understand, but the subject at hand was incredibly less than difficult to grasp. It was just the two of us. He'd wanted it to be that way, and I didn't mind. At this point, I didn't care that Matt knew that Brian and I had been together, because it was over. There was no more us, and I wasn't so sure that Brian could do anything to reconcile for what he'd done. I was terribly heartbroken. I'd never had any man cheat on me in my entire life, and I'd thought that this degree of pain had disappeared when I was reunited with the guys. On the other hand, I was undeniably angry. I'd let out a lot of my anger on Michelle, who spent the night in the emergency room afterward and left with several stitches, a black eye, and a broken nose, but I still wasn't done. I wasn't through with Brian just yet, but I knew that if I saw him again, I wouldn't be angry. I'd burst into tears. I was sure of it. My eyes began to water at that very moment just thinking about him, but I was jarred out of my thoughts by Matt speaking.

"How long have you two been together?" he asked nonchalantly.

I swallowed hard and said, "We were together for only a few days, but we've had feelings for each other for years."

"I know," he said, utterly surprising me. He saw the shocked expression on my face and sat down next to me on the couch in his living room. Val was staying in Los Angeles with her sister until she had fully recovered, and everyone else had stayed at home as Matt had told them to. Luckily, Val wasn't upset with me for pummeling her sister. She'd told me the night it happened after they returned from the emergency room that Michelle deserved what she got, that she had no sympathy for her, and that she didn't blame me for reacting the way I did. A tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders after Val and I talked, and miraculously, I felt a little better, although I was still very upset and very angry.

"How did you know?" I asked, my mind settling on mine and Matt's conversation once again.

"It was pretty obvious, Abby, and I don't think you were doing much to hide your relationship from the media." He grabbed a magazine from the coffee table in front of us and laid it in my lap. On the cover was myself and Brian in Seattle, holding hands as we strolled down the street. I sighed knowing that I should've been more careful.

"Does this mean that you've known about us for a while?" I asked. Matt simply nodded. My heart palpitated, and Matt seemed to catch on to my reaction.

"Why didn't you tell me the two of you were together, Abby? If you had, we could've avoided this entire situation, and you and Brian could still be together."

I averted my gaze to stare down at the floor and said, "We were afraid that you would be upset, that you wouldn't approve of one of your best friends dating your sister."

Matt smiled and said, "It wouldn't have bothered me in the least bit. I know I can be overprotective sometimes, but look at what you've been through. I have every right to protect you, because I'm your brother. I care about you, and if being with Brian was what you truly wanted, you should've just been with him regardless of what I thought. In a way, though, this is my fault. If I didn't take my big brother role so seriously, you'd be happy right now."

I smiled and said, "Matt, I like you just the way you are, and I'm glad that it wouldn't have bothered you for me to be with Brian. Still, if you knew about us, why didn't you confront us?"

"I was afraid that you would take it the wrong way, that you would think I was upset rather than concerned. Brian is one of my best friends, Abby, and I know him better than anyone. In his younger years, he was a heartbreaker. All he cared about was the sex. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and at first, I was afraid he would do the same thing to you, which he did."

"He's paying for it now, though, and so am I."

Matt placed his hand on top of mine and said, "Don't think of it like that. You made one mistake. It's not the end of the world." It might as well be.

"You're right," I lied,"but I... I can't stay here, Matt. I just can't. I have to go back to Vegas. I need some time to think."

"You can't leave, not again!" Matt shouted.

"Relax, Matt, relax. I'm not leaving for good anymore. I already told you that I'm here to stay, but I, honestly, think that staying in Vegas for a while would do me some good." Matt sighed heavily and stared at me, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Do you promise you won't run off again?"

"I promise."

The days were growing shorter in California along with my emotional stability. I spent a few more days in Huntington Beach after mine and Matt's talk before I decided it was time to leave. I never saw Brian once, but the fear of seeing him, the fear of all of the raw emotions and unfinished business rising to the surface again sent me into a state of panic. I had to leave, but I knew I'd be back again soon. There was no way I could avoid this place, not with all of the memories it held.

The hardest part of leaving, though, was that Taylor felt obliged to return to Vegas with me, and that meant going without Zack. I knew she'd be miserable without him, so I tried to convince her not to go with me. It was no use. She insisted that she go, because she was my best friend and that's what a best friend would do, even if it hurt her. I was very thankful to have someone so considerate like her, but in the state I was in, I didn't want to be around anyone. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts where I never had to speak a word. I wanted all of this to be over, but as long as air escaped from Michelle's lungs and Brian was still capable of having sex, I knew it would never be over. She would always want Brian, no matter who he was with, and that seemed to be something I couldn't stop. If Brian truly loved me and truly wanted to be with me, he'd forget all about her and beg for forgiveness, but I didn't see that happening. Therefore, my only choice was to leave for a while, get away from the stress of being in a relationship and be free.

"Are you sure this is everything?" Zack asked Taylor as he loaded her last suitcase into the trunk of his black Mercedes-Benz. She nodded, the tears in her eyes breaking free to stream down her cheeks. He smiled at her as he took her face in his hands, placing his forehead to hers. Both of them closed their eyes and basked in the closeness, knowing that it could be months before they would see each other again. I instantly felt guilty. I knew that if I would've had the courage to stand up to my brother and tell him that Brian and I were in love that I wouldn't be leaving Huntington Beach right now, and Taylor could be asleep in Zack's arms until six in the afternoon. Tears pricked my eyes as I continued to watch them, but I immediately wiped them away, reminding myself that I had finished crying. I recomposed myself and turned back to the two, prepared to walk over and place my suitcases in the trunk, but as I was doing so, I watched as Zack told Taylor that he loved her and he always would, no matter what happened between them. Taylor burst into hysterical tears and threw her arms around his neck. I couldn't help it either. The tears poured down my cheeks like a crashing wave just as a sob escaped from my throat. I'd never been so desperate for Brian's touch, his scent, his warmth. I wanted him so badly, but I knew he'd betrayed me and I'd never forgive myself if I took him back in this state of mind.

"Are you positive you want to leave?" Leana's voice rang out from behind me, startling me a bit. I turned to find her, Jimmy, Lacey, and Johnny standing together in the driveway of Matt's house. Matt had said his goodbyes to Taylor and I this morning before leaving for L.A. to see Val. He'd gone nearly four days without seeing her, and he really needed to talk to her.

"Yeah, I'm positive," I said, the finality in my voice seeming true at once.

"Will you be back for my baby shower?" Leana questioned as she placed her hands on her growing abdomen.

"I most definitely will. I wouldn't want to miss the shower or the birth of our first baby." Both Jimmy and Leana smiled brightly at me.

"What about your brother's wedding? Are you going to be back for that, too?" Lacey asked, a hint of bitterness lingering in her voice. Lacey seemed to be more upset than anyone else that I had decided to leave. It was obvious, though, that her anger was charged by her fear of me leaving again and never returning. She'd seen the toll it had taken on the guys, and she didn't want to have to go through that again.

I sauntered over to her and placed my hands on her shoulders. "Lace, you know I wouldn't miss something like that." She smiled and nodded, placing her arms around me in a tight hug.

"Come back soon, okay? I don't know how much longer we can take you being away, and I'm not sure that Zack will survive very long without Taylor," Johnny added. I nodded and stared back at them just as everyone else was. Zack was still holding Taylor as she cried into his chest, but this time, Zack was crying along with her. My heart shattered, but Leana's voice helped me to forget the pain.

"She's become part of the family, Abby. The same can be said for those guys and Natalie and Ciara. They're here to stay. They've made a spot for themselves in our hearts and minds just as you have. Just know that we love you and care about you more than you could ever imagine, and if we lost you again, we'd be devastated... and I know that it might not mean much right now, but I'm sure Brian would be sick with grief if you left and never came back." My entire body went rigid and numb all at the same time. I wanted to believe her so badly. I wanted to drop all of my bags, run as fast as my legs would carry me all the way to Brian's house and throw myself back into his arms where I knew I belonged, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My self-respect was getting in the way of my wants, but I knew it was for the best. As I continued to let what Leana said sink into my skin, I caught sight of the guys and Natalie and Ciara standing at the large bay window in Matt's living room. Brett stood with his arm draped around Natalie's shoulder and Logan stood next to her with Ciara's arms wrapped around his torso. Jordan stood on the outside with his hands in his pockets. They all shared something in common, though; they were all smiling. They knew that this wasn't the end. They knew that there was still a future for me in California, whether it be with Brian or not.

That was when I realized that I would make it through.