You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

The beer in my hand was nearly empty, and the room that surrounded me was pitch black. The only light that was shining was the brightness of the flat screen television before me. The past month and a half had been the longest time in my life. Every second I was without Abby was another second that I wished I were no longer breathing. I hadn't bothered to talk to any of my friends, knowing what they would say to me and how I would be perceived. They wouldn't settle for the excuse of me being drunk when I slept with Michelle. My heart ached just thinking about it.

I sighed as I picked up the remote and began flipping through channels for the umpteenth time that day only to find the same thing on every channel that was on ten minutes ago. I stabbed the power button and threw the remote onto the couch next to me, staring at the blank screen. My reflection was disgusting. I hadn't shaved in days, much less showered, and my house, certainly, wasn't clean. My eyes were so bloodshot from lack of sleep and being constantly inebriated that it hurt to blink. I chuckled and climbed off of the couch to recycle the glass bottle in my hand. I could just imagine what Abby would say if she saw me like this, but that was exactly it. I could only imagine. I couldn't experience anything anymore, and it was all because of a stupid mistake I made. I felt like Romeo after he murdered Juliet's cousin. I was fortune's fool. I couldn't rely on luck any longer, and it seemed as though karma was seeking revenge. Had I not been highly intoxicated, I wouldn't have let Michelle seduce me. If I wanted Abby back, I needed to take matters into my own hands.

After placing the beer bottle in the recycling bin, I leaned against the counter in the kitchen, crossing my arms over my chest. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I hadn't cried over anyone or anything in my entire life, but as I felt the warm, salty tears trickling down my face, a wave of grief and anger washed over me. I was undeniably upset over the fact that I may never see the woman I love and wish to spend the rest of my life with ever again, but I was angry because I was the reason she was gone for good. I sank to the floor, burying my face in my palms and cried, heaving sobs escaping from somewhere deep in my chest.

What was only minutes seemed like hours as I sat on the kitchen floor, years of separation from Abby bubbling to the surface. I'd come to realize that these tears weren't just being shed for what I'd done to her. It was also because I needed her. I needed her to be next to me. I needed to know that she was perfectly unharmed, but I might never know any of that if I don't take action and apologize for what I've done. I wiped my eyes on the backs of my hands and stood up from the floor. I didn't hesitate as I climbed the stairs and entered my bathroom, showering for nearly forty-five minutes. When I had finished, I shaved and doused myself in cologne, making sure that I seemed as normal as possible. I dressed in my usual attire and grabbed the keys to my Escalade off of the nightstand next to my bed, but at this, I did hesitate. I hadn't slept in my bed, nor washed the sheets, since Abby and I made love in them. I couldn't stand to sleep in my own bed because it reminded me of the amazing night I'd spent with Abby and how I'd taken her innocence from her, but it also reminded me of sleeping with Michelle and taking Abby for granted. I clenched my fists, the keys in my hand stabbing into my flesh. I was so angry with myself that I couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something about it. I had to get Abby back. Taking deep, cleansing breaths, I descended the stairs and grabbed my jacket off of the back of the couch as I left my house.

---

Time seemed to pass like a terminal illness in Las Vegas. I hated to admit it, but being without Brian was like living on water alone. I was hungry all the time. I needed him more now than ever, but I knew I didn't need him, not after what he'd done to me. I tried to act as though the impact of him sleeping with Michelle wasn't affecting me as much as it truly was, but I was absolutely positive that Taylor was seeing through my facade. I sighed and closed my eyes, the dry heat surrounding me like a warm blanket as I stood on the balcony outside of my room. I could hear Taylor talking to Zack in her room next to mine. They were separated for a week before he flew out here to see her. It's been nearly a month and a half since then, but it doesn't seem like he's leaving anytime soon. They sit in bed all day after a long night of sex and just talk. I wished Brian and I could've done that, but I know Matt would've suspected something. I took a deep breath and exhaled sharply, opening my eyes just in time to see an utterly familiar car barreling down our long driveway. After the dust settled and the white Mercedes Benz came to a stop in front of our garage, Garrett climbed out and smiled up at me. I couldn't help but smile back at him. Of course, I still remembered everything he'd said and everything he'd done to myself and Brian, but at that moment, I didn't care. He was right. He told me that Brian would take advantage of me, and that's exactly what he did. Garrett walked over to the balcony and stood beneath it, toying with his keys.

"How have you been?" he asked, finally meeting my eyes. I wanted to burst into tears, run downstairs, and throw myself into his arms. Next to Taylor, he was my best friend. I loved him with all my heart, and I missed having long talks and cold beers with him late at night on this very balcony.

I sighed and said, "I've been better."

Silence settled over us for a brief moment before Garrett looked up at me again, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, Taylor rushed out of her room with a sheet wrapped around her entire body, Zack following her path as he attempted to pull his jeans back on. Garrett burst into laughter as he caught sight of his sister.

"What are you doing?" he asked, but when Zack joined her at the railing, realization washed over him. His expression was indifferent. He had never liked seeing Zack with his sister, and Taylor knew it. She didn't care, though, but this time, Garrett didn't seem offended. After a moment of deep thinking, he smiled up at the both of them. "Did you miss me?"

Taylor exhaled sharply, obviously, breathing a deep sigh of relief, and said, "Of course I missed you. You're my brother."

Garrett shoved his hands into his pockets and said, "Can I come in?"

Taylor and I both nodded. "We'll meet you downstairs." Taylor and Zack dressed quickly as I left the balcony and my room to unlock the front door for Garrett. The second the large, oak door swung open I threw myself into Garrett's arms. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair.

"I've missed you so much, Abby. I'm so sorry for everything I did to you, but I'm not sorry for what I did to him. I swear to God, if I would've been there when that motherfucker cheated on you, I would've killed him with my bare hands." Taylor had told him. I was hoping she wouldn't, but I was very relieved that I didn't have to do it.

"Don't say that, Garrett. He might've taken advantage of me, but he's still a human being."

"If you say so," he said as he released me. "You look amazing." I smiled up at him, suddenly remembering that he hadn't seen me since my transformation.

"Thanks. You don't look half bad yourself." He smiled back at me, placing his arm around my shoulders as he led us into the living room. We talked for hours, catching Garrett up on all of the things he'd missed in the past three and a half months. The day, eventually, turned into night and Taylor and Zack retired to their room, leaving me and Garrett by ourselves. For old times sake, we decided to grab a few beers and sit under the stars on the balcony.

"Did you love him?" Garrett asked, cutting through the silence. The question shocked me, but I was expecting it.

I nodded and said, "Yes. Yes, I loved him. I loved him very much, and in a way, I still do."

"How can you love someone who's taken advantage of you?" he asked as he took a drink of his beer.

"If you truly care about them, you'll never stop loving them. They'll always be a part of you."

Garrett sighed and said, "I could see that he really loved you, Abby, and I know that I said a lot of things about him. Still, you were meant to be with him, and he has to feel horrible now. Taylor told me that Matt and Val's wedding is next week, and I think you should go to be there for your brother, regardless of what he's done to you. I can see that you're unhappy being away from him, but the only way this is going to get better is if you forgive him." I thought long and hard about Garrett's words before I replied.

"You know what, I think you're right. I do miss Brian a lot, and I need him more than I've ever needed anyone in my entire life."

Garrett smiled and said, "I'm glad I could be of service to you."

"Honey, you're always of service to me." Both Garrett and I laughed as we took another drink of our beers. "Are you going to Matt and Val's wedding?" I asked him. Val had called me a few weeks ago begging for me and Taylor to fly out to Huntington in time for the wedding. I, humbly, obliged and promised her that we would be there.

Garrett shook his head and said, "I don't think so. I'm not so sure that Brian or anyone else would want me there, so I'm not going to ruin the best day of Matt and Val's life."

"I hate to say it, but you're probably right." Garrett laughed and nodded.

"It's going to be a while before I can make up for what I've done."