You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

A cool breeze drifted through an open window, caressing my burning skin as I gripped the glass of ice tea in my hand. My father cleared his throat from where he sat at the end of the table. I looked up at him, meeting his chocolate brown eyes that reflected mine. He intertwined his fingers and placed his calloused hands on the table before him. Those hands were my inspiration. Everything I'd ever wanted to be had been created by those hands. From the moment I could speak, I told my father that I wanted to be just like him, and I did just that. I modeled everything he'd ever done. I even made the same mistakes he made, and that was exactly what we were discussing.

"Do you think that will symbolize an apology?" my father asked as he gestured to the small, blue box wrapped in a white, satin ribbon that sat on the table between us. I stared at it for a moment as I thought about his words.

I shook my head and said, "No, it won't, but it's what I want. I love her, and I want her to know that more than I can will my heart to keep beating."

He smiled at me and said, "You're absolutely my son." I laughed and took a drink of my tea.

"Of course I am."

He nodded and added, "You've inherited so many of my traits that you could be an exact copy of me. You're stubborn, and you'll stop at nothing to get what you want. I was the same way when I was your age, you know."

I smiled and said, "Is that so?"

"He truly was," Suzy, my step-mother, said as she took a seat next to my father. He smiled at her and placed a hand on her thigh. She smiled back at him then looked over at me again. "He was definitely stubborn. After Kenna was born, we began seeing each other, and within weeks he was telling me that he was going to divorce your mother so that we could get married. Of course, I wasn't very excited about that idea, but I was madly in love with him. I wanted to be with him more than anything, and after I met you and your brother and sister, I wanted to marry him even more. My mother always told me that when you marry a man, you marry his family, too, and that's exactly what I did. Your mother never seemed to care much for the three of you, so I raised you as if you were my own children." What Suzy was saying was true. Brent, McKenna, and I had always known her as our mother until we were old enough to comprehend that she wasn't our biological mother. We never cared, though. She was Mom to us, and that was all that really mattered. We still made cards and a gourmet breakfast and bought bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates for her on Mother's Day.

"We appreciated it more than you know, and we wouldn't be the people we are today without you."

"He's right, Mom," McKenna said as she entered the dining room with Brent behind her. I smiled at my brother and sister and hugged the both of them before they took seats on opposite sides of the table.

"Yup. Junior here wouldn't be a big-shot rock star without all of the money you and Dad saved for him," Brent said as he kicked my leg beneath the table. I laughed as I rubbed my leg and playfully punched him in the arm.

"Alright, you two," McKenna said. "That's enough."

I sighed and said, "What are you guys doing here?"

"Dad called us. He said you'd need our support." I glared at my father, and he shrugged and smiled.

"They're not the only ones who're here for support," Matt said as he strode into the room with Johnny and Jimmy behind him. My heart lept into my throat as Matt rested his hands on my shoulders. Jimmy patted my arm and Johnny tapped his fist on my shoulder as they walked by me to take a seat. I was unbelievably relieved that Matt was here, but I knew that I hadn't been completely forgiven for what I'd done. There were many apologies that had yet to be made.

As I ran my fingers through my hair, I asked, "Did Dad call you guys, too?"

Jimmy nodded and said, "He told us about what you're planning to do, and Matt agreed that he would talk to you."

Matt took a seat next to me and said, "Brian, if this is what you want to do then do it. If you love my sister enough to take this step then take it." Matt sighed and stared down at the table for a moment. The silence that enveloped us was excruciating, and I couldn't wait for Matt to speak again. "I just want her to be happy, and when you cheated on her, her entire world fell apart. You're everything she thinks about, but before you do this, you have to apologize to her and make things right."

"I know, but I'm not sure if she'll forgive me. I need her, Matt, and I've made such a horrible mistake. I... I don't know what I'd do without her."

"Neither do the rest of us, which is why you have to make amends. She's part of this family, Brian, and it's up to you to bring her back," Johnny said.

"He's right, and if you plan to apologize before the wedding, you should act a bit quicker."

I stared at Matt incredulously. "The wedding? You're inviting me to your wedding?"

"Of course I am, Bri. You're my best friend, and it wouldn't be the best day of my life if you weren't there."

I swallowed hard, trying to fight the tears and said, "Are you forgiving me?"

"I guess you could say that," he replied. I smiled.

"This is my chance. This is my chance to have the woman of my dreams, and I'm taking it."

Brent chuckled and replied, "That's good because she'll be here any minute."

---

"Would you relax? You're ruining your manicure."

I sighed heavily and removed my thumbnail from my mouth. I gave Val a fleeting glance from where she sat in the driver's seat and rested my hands in my lap. The weeks before my brother's wedding had faded quickly, and Taylor, Zack, and I were, now, back in Huntington Beach for the ceremony, which was in two days. I'd never been as nervous in my entire life as I was now. My heart palpitated every single time Val pressed the brake pedal and Matt's Mercedes-Benz came to a halt at a traffic light or a stop sign for fear that we had arrived at wherever it was she was taking us. I was terrified of seeing Brian. Though nearly two months had passed since I had caught my boyfriend cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend, I was still very emotionally unstable. Just mentioning his name, whether it be personally or publicly, caused my heart to ache. I was miserable without him, yet I knew I didn't need a man that wouldn't be faithful.

Taylor shifted her weight on the leather seat behind me, catching my attention. My gaze shifted from my clasped hands in my lap to the rearview mirror where I had a perfectly clear view of Taylor and Zack. Taylor stared out the window as Zack rested his hand on her knee, but when she changed positions, she looked over at him and smiled, running her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. After a moment, though, he took her hand in his and kissed it. She smiled even wider and intertwined her fingers with his, content once again. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I kept them at bay. I wished it was that easy. I wished things were so simple, but I knew that in my life, nothing was ever simple. Shifting my gaze once again, I stared out the window next to me only to notice that we were in a familiar neighborhood. The car came to a final halt on the curb outside of a beautiful beach house that I'd called home most of my childhood and teenage years. Val took a deep breath and looked over at me, removing her sunglasses.

"Why are we here?" I asked angrily as I studied the vehicles in the driveway. Parked next to his father's SUV was Brian's black Escalade. The nervous feeling that enveloped my entire being disappeared, replaced by uncontrollable anger.

"My wedding dress and your bride's maid dresses are here, as well as your brother and the rest of our extended family. I had to hide the dresses somewhere, and Suzy offered to let me use McKenna's old closet."

"Why is he here?" I asked through clenched teeth.

Zack cleared his throat and answered, "He came here to talk to his dad about what he did to you, and Papa Gates called his brother and sister and friends for support."

"What Zack is trying to say is Matt forgave Brian," Taylor added. The anger faded and shock took its place.

"He forgave him? Why would he do something like that after everything he's done to me?"

"Brian is his best friend, Abby. They've known each other for years, and..." Val paused, biting her lower lip. I wasn't quite sure what she was contemplating. All I wanted was an honest answer. She exchanged glances with Taylor and Zack before continuing with, "You'll find out soon enough. For now, let's go inside so you can try your dress on." I sighed in defeat. I wasn't going to get what I wanted, but in all actuality, today and the next few days weren't about me. They were about the relationship between the woman sitting next to me and my brother and the public union of that connection.

I climbed out of the car and followed Taylor, Zack, and Val into the Haner household. Next to the pounding of blood behind my ears, all I could hear was the sound of my heels tapping against the freshly waxed hardwood floors. The familiar scent of clean linen wafted through every room, caressing my senses. I'd always loved the scent of fresh laundry for two reasons: first of all, it reminded me of home, a safe harbor, and secondly, it reminded me of Brian, who was always the one I ran to. I didn't have much time to reminisce, though, because I was enveloped in hugs moments after I entered the house. Leana, Lacey, Cam, and Jason and Matt and Brett, Jordan, Logan, Natalie, and Ciara had arrived minutes before Taylor, Zack, Val, and I had, and they were still greeting everyone as we joined the crowd. The dining room had become hectic, seeing as there was nearly twenty people in it, but Suzy continued to provide refreshments for everyone.

"I'm glad you could make it, Abbs," my brother said as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I clung to him for dear life, taking in his scent and the sound of his heart beating. Though I'd been terribly angry with him outside in the car, he didn't know that, and no matter how angry I could ever be, I'd always love him.

"I wouldn't miss the most important day of your life," I replied as he released me.

"It wouldn't be the same without you as a part of it, either, which is why I'm forever thankful to Val for making you and Taylor bride's maids," he said as he leaned over to place a kiss on Val's lips. She smiled, placing her arm around his waist. His kissed the top of her head and inserted his hand in her back pocket. I loved seeing the two of them together. They were perfect for each other, and I was overjoyed that they were getting married. I took my time greeting everyone else, being sure to keep an eye out for Brian. I hadn't seen him yet, though we'd been inside the house for nearly half an hour, but as soon as he crossed my mind, he appeared at the end of the hallway with his hands shoved into his front pockets. His eyes instantly met mine, locking in a cold stare. A smile formed on his lips, but I simply looked away. I wasn't ready for this, not here. Through my peripheral vision I could see him sigh heavily and walk over to Jimmy and Johnny who were talking to Matt and Zack.

"That is a gorgeous outfit, honey, but it wouldn't fit me in a million years," Leana said as she and Lacey appeared before me.

I smiled as I glanced down at my dandelion-colored T-shirt dress and matching wedges and said, "Sure it will! Give it four more months, and I'll let you borrow this baby whenever you like." The both of them laughed along with me. "Speaking of babies, when do you find out what you're having?"

"The day after the wedding. Jimmy can't wait. He wants it to be a boy, but I don't mind if it's a girl. Either would be nice for our first child. Oh, and the baby shower's next week. You'll still be here for it, right?" Leana bubbled. I twirled the glass of ice tea round and round in my hand, watching the ice cubes create a small whirlpool as I thought about the coming days. What could it hurt for me to stay a few extra days for Leana and Jimmy's sakes? After all, it was the first baby to be born within our extended family, and I promised the both of them that I wouldn't just be here for the shower. I also promised them that I'd be here for the birth, too. I sighed, realizing that I'd be here much longer than I'd assumed, but that was perfectly fine. I loved spending quality time with my family and friends.

I nodded slowly and said, "Yeah, I'll be here. I made a promise, and I plan to keep it." Leana smiled even wider and hugged me.

"What's up, kiddo?" Jimmy asked after I released his fiancee.

"Not a whole fucking lot. How about you?" Jimmy smiled and pulled me into a tight hug.

As he kissed the top of my head, he sighed and whispered, "We're all glad you're back, Abby."

"I'm glad to be back. I've missed you guys so much," I said as I looked up at him.

"We've missed you, too, babe," Johnny said as he placed his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I smiled brightly and hugged him. "Please tell me you're staying this time. I don't think any of us can bear for you to leave again."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I just... I needed some time away from here, but I'm better now."

"So is he," Lacey added, gesturing toward Brian who was talking to Jason and Brett. "He understands that he's made a mistake, Abby, and it's time to set aside the grudge. You love each other, and when two people are in love, they show it." In that moment as I listened to Lacey, I simply stared at Brian. A few moments passed before he noticed me watching him, but when he did, his eyes met mine once and he smiled once again. Instead of looking away like I had last time, I smiled back then looked over at Lacey.

"You're right. I have to change this for me, for him, for all of you. None of you deserve this. None of you should have to suffer because of something we caused." Though I was agreeing to forgive Brian, I wasn't sure that I would be able to control myself when I did so. I knew that I needed to correct this problem for everyone else's sake, but I absolutely was not prepared to forgive him myself.