You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

I'd never seen my fiancee as enthusiastic as she was now at any other time in our lives. Our marriage was long overdue, and we were both anxious about the arrival of our wedding date. Four months was only one hundred and twenty squares covering four pages on a calendar, but the twenty-four hours in each and every one of those squares seemed to drag by. Only a handful of days had passed, but thankfully, they had passed quickly. More and more wedding plans fell into place as more and more boxes on the calendar darkened to red. August had finally come to an end, and September had just risen in the distance.

Sighing as I awoke from my deep slumber, I tossed and turned only to find an empty bed. I sat up, searching my coal sheets. My clothes lay in a scattered mess on the mahogany floor next to our bed. I placed my feet on the floor and left our room. I slowly crept down the stairs, peeking over the banister into the living room below. There lay my fiancee on our leather sofa fast asleep, surrounded by papers. She had never come to bed the previous night. She had been planning our wedding deep into the morning hours. I smiled to myself as I reached the first floor, setting a few of the papers lying on the couch aside. The pressure on the cushions awoke my beauty from her deep slumber. She smiled at me as she stretched her stiff limbs, exposing the skin of her abdomen. Hovering over her, I gently kissed that skin. She sighed in contentment, her thin fingers swimming through my hair.

"Good morning, beautiful," I said.

She hoisted herself into a higher position on her elbows to gently kiss my lips. "Good morning, my knight in shining armor."

I placed myself between her legs, my elbows positioned on either side of her as I rested my chin in my palms. I stared into her deep hazel eyes, losing my concentration for a mere moment. "You never came to bed last night," I rebounded.

"That I didn't," she replied with a nod. We were both silent for a moment. I knew there was more. She sighed heavily and continued, "I just can't wait. I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to take your name. I just... I... I feel so peculiar without that ring on my finger. This engagement ring just isn't enough."

I smiled in reply, taking her hand in mine to kiss each of her knuckles. "You read my mind." Abby exhaled sharply, her slender fingers tangling around her gorgeous mahogany curls. I watched as she chewed on her lower lip. It was a habit, meaning that she was deep in thought. She had always bit her lip in times of great contemplation or pleasure. Those times were the ones that I cherished the most, because only the most sacred people, the ones closest to her heart, were ever blessed with the opportunity to observe her actions. "What's on your mind, love?" I questioned.

She shrugged to the best of her abilities and simply replied, "I was just reviewing our schedule for the day. Matt and Val are due back from their honeymoon within the hour, and Jim and Lea are having their baby shower this afternoon." I nodded in response. Our schedule was far more hectic than I had thought, but there was one event she'd forgotten.

"What about tonight? Shouldn't we celebrate?"

She smiled. "Of course. I'll invite everyone to our place for some quality time." She clutched her BlackBerry, obviously, sending a mass text message to everyone about our latest plans.

I chuckled. "As if we need to spend more quality time together. We're practically attached at the hip, but I always have time to spare for my bros." I pulled myself into a standing position and walked into the kitchen with Abby close behind. I opened the refrigerator, searching for anything edible. I was starving, and quite frankly, neither Abby nor myself seemed to be in the mood for a gourmet breakfast. Abby placed herself at the breakfast nook, her legs dangling beneath her. I reached for the orange juice pitcher and two glasses in the cabinet beside the fridge, closing the door with my heel as I emptied the yellow liquid into the glasses. Abby accepted my beverage offer with gratitude as I leaned against the counter in front of her, slowly sipping the acidic juice. I would've much rather preferred a beer, but I knew Abby wouldn't approve of my drinking before tonight.

A comfortable silence surrounded us for a moment as I reached for a magazine lying on the counter. Abby was hunched over one of the many notebooks she kept in her bag with her at all times, because she never knew when inspiration would strike. The cap on her pen held teeth marks from her continual chewing, yet another of her habits. Within seconds, she was tapping the ink stick against the thick stack of papers wrapped around a thin wire sitting before her as she gave her words more thought. Her right leg bounced in every direction in anticipation of the epiphany that would encase her mind in a few moments. I knew each of her movements precisely, because it was the most intricate details about her that I found most prominent. I searched through Metal Hammer for several minutes after shifting my attention from my fiancee before placing the glossy photo paper back on the counter.

I found Abby smiling at me as she drew circles on her paper with her left hand, only one more detail making her unique. She and Zach had always shared guitars, seeing as they were both left-handed. When I was younger, it angered me so much, because I felt that she was choosing him over me. I could never let her know, though, but I overcame my anger. I realized that she would've used my guitars had they been suited to her abilities. She never knew. I never told her, not even after we began dating. It was unimportant, and she needn't be bothered with ridiculous events of the past. She placed her pen on the marble counter and asked, "Have you decided on your groomsmen?"

Staring into the empty glass in my hand, I answered, "Of course I have. There'll be seven: Matt, Jimmy, Zach, Johnny, Cam, Matt B., and Jason."

She leaned closer. "What about your best man?"

I smiled at her in return. "It's definitely your brother. He's been my best friend all these years, and even if I wasn't his best man, I still want him to be mine." I was almost certain that Abby was going to cry. She threw her arms around my shoulders as best as she could and kissed me deeply. I kissed back with just as much passion, because I knew that I'd just made her the happiest woman on this earth. I knew she wanted me to express my gratitude to Matt for even allowing me to propose to his sister, and I felt that he deserved that.

"I love you, Mr. Haner."

"I love you more, future Mrs. Haner."

She pecked my lips once more before settling back into her chair and asking, "Do you want to know about my bridesmaids?" Before I could answer, she continued. It, obviously, wasn't an optional question. "There will also be seven lovely ladies to join your seven handsome men, and they are: Val, Leana, Lacey, Taylor, Ciara, Natalie, and McKenna."

"I'm glad you chose, Kenna, babe. Who's your maid of honor?"

Her expression brightened. "I've always promised Taylor that should I ever so choose to get married that she'd be my maid of honor. She's my best friend, and I can't have the perfect wedding without her by my side." Interruption seemed to be popular this morning as Abby's BlackBerry shouted Shakira's She Wolf into our large kitchen. I pulled myself onto the counter in front of her as she reached for the small, black square. She pressed a few buttons in silence before saying, "Matt and Val arrived home safely, and it looks as though everyone has agreed to a party at our place tonight after the baby shower, which means I'll be slaving over the stove to feed the crowd."

"I do believe that's correct, but for now, you can join me in the shower. Jim and Lea aren't expecting us for another few hours."

She smiled deviously. She couldn't resist.

---

Much to my surprise, I was able to dress quickly with my hair in fabulous tousles, falling around my shoulders, and my cosmetics perfectly applied. The weather had, obviously, grown colder as the months passed, so I chose to wear a pair of dark-washed skinny jeans with black, suede ankle boots, a white cashmere sweater to match, and a black cardigan draped around my body. I appeared comfortable yet stylish. It was perfect. Brian remained planted before our closet, still choosing his wardrobe. I laughed as I watched him, a simple white towel wrapped around his waist. His gorgeous, black locks were disheveled from our shower, beads of water still dripping from his deliciously tanned skin. I sauntered over to the bureau, reaching into the jewelry box Gramps had made for me when I was a little girl. It had grown very fragile, the stained mahogany drying and splintering with age. I reached for a pair of diamonds studs Taylor had given me for my birthday two years ago and a matching charm bracelet that my brother had given me after making their first album. When I refused the rather extravagant and expensive gift, Matt insisted that he put the chain on me himself. It was a gift of gratitude, he said, for all the help I'd provided throughout the duration of the making of Sounding the Seventh Trumpet, but in all honesty, not a single material possession could amount to the gratitude I felt without such a wondrous gift. Of course, in the end, I accepted the gift on Matt's insistence, and I've managed to keep it all these years.

I closed the tiny box and turned to my fiance, who was now fully dressed. With a total disregard for the weather, Brian wore a pair of ripped jeans, a tightly-fitted, black Archaic T-shirt, and a pair of black Doc Martens. He'd styled his hair in the usual spikey fashion, a pair of diamond studs gleaming from his earlobes. He smiled at me as he doused himself in cologne. He reached for a jacket inside the closet before walking over to me. His lips captured mine for a moment, then he lead me downstairs where I grabbed my Coach bag and my BlackBerry. From there, we climbed into the Escalade and headed to Jim and Lea's place.

Jimmy had a very distinct distaste for the city... and for being arrested, so he moved to a place where he would never have to confront either: the middle of nowhere. Of course, Leana being the loyal fiancee that she is followed suit. Though their home was far from civilization, it was absolutely breath-taking. It appeared to be an enormous log cabin, but inside was a masterpiece. With the aide of several contractors, Jimmy designed the home himself a few years ago, and he and Leana have lived here ever since.

We were one of the last to arrive, though it was only due to the distance between our home and theirs. Brian and I began unloading all of the gifts we'd bought for Jimmy and Leana. Money was no object in buying gifts for these two and their bundle of joy. I couldn't wait to be an aunt, and it allowed my thoughts to drift to the day when Brian and I would have children of our own. I was overjoyed about this baby, to say the least. Brian reached for the last wrapped box in the trunk of our Escalade just in the nick of time as Matt and Johnny arrived. I greeted the two before they sent me inside to join the girls. As I entered the humble abode, I found Leana's mother and grandmother bustling around the kitchen to prepare a feast for the ravished guests. It smelled wonderful, as usual. I chatted with the women for a moment, flashing my engagement ring. I hadn't seen them since I was a teenager, and it was nice to reminisce.

I passed the girls, who were setting the table in the dining room. After a brief conversation, I moved on to the den where I found Leana and her sisters, Alexis and Lauren, seated by a warm, crackling fire. I remembered wild nights with these girls. Leana had the most infectious personality, and when she was drunk, it raged like a plague. Alexis and Lauren seemed to be the most obvious victims of this disease, and many times in my youth I found myself huddled around the toilet with these girls after a long night of tequila shots and straight vodka. Both girls offered greeting smiles and kind words as I sat between them and their very pregnant sister. It was impossible not to notice how insatiably gorgeous Leana was. Every woman dreamed of and envied her beauty. Pregnancy had been very, very good to her, and she glowed, especially beneath the glistening flames. Her brilliant smile lit up the room as she carried on a rather animated conversation with her sisters, only turning for a brief moment to find me there.

"Hello, sweetheart," I said as I gently hugged her, kissing her cheek. "How are you?"

She turned to me and said, "I couldn't be better. How are you, my love?"

I sighed in content. "I'm fantastic."

Raising an eyebrow, she nonchalantly added, "Sex in the shower again, I presume."

"Why do you always assume that my life is surrounded by sex?" Lauren and Alexis giggled. From the beginning of our days, those two maintained a huge crush on Brian, but they'd never possessed the courage to act on it. Thank God.

She laughed, holding her swollen belly. "Honey, I've known you and Brian for far too long. You can't keep your hands off of each other. Speaking of which, does your brother know about that little rendezvous in his bathroom yet?" I simply shook my head.

"Yet is the keyword here, you see. Hopefully, he, nor Val, will ever know. I had one too many glasses of champagne that day, and Brian just-so-happened to be there."

Leana rolled her eyes. "If you say so, Abbs. Could you check on my dad and Jim for me? They're upstairs in the baby's room." I nodded, following her orders. As expected, I found Leana's father and Jimmy slaving over the new crib Leana's parents had bought for them. It seemed as though neither of them could decipher the directions - in English or in Spanish - to assemble the crib, so I interfered.

"Hey, kiddo," Jimmy said. "How's it hangin'?"

I laughed, my hands resting on my hips. "Slightly to the left. You?"

He chuckled as best he could with a screwdriver in his mouth. "Totally off the rocker. You wanna hand me that?" I reached for the piece of paper, placing it in Jimmy's hand. Leana's father briefly greeted me as he held another piece of the crib in place for Jimmy. I waved and nodded in response, leaving the two but not before providing them with two tall glasses of sweet, iced tea. Bounding down the stairs a second time, I found Matt and Brian greeting Papa Gates, Suzy, McKenna, and Brent in the kitchen.

Suzy gasped, saying, "Abigail, you look absolutely beautiful!"

"Doesn't she?" Brian added.

I smiled at him as I hugged my future mother-in-law. "Thanks, Suz." Brian reached for my hand as Suzy released me, pulling my body into his. He slipped his hand beneath my cardigan, gently stroking my back. I wrapped my arm around his waist, softly kissing his lips. McKenna winked at me as we were herded into the dining room for dinner. The conversation was lively around the table. Leana's family had always been very comfortable with life, and though they were very modest, they enjoyed tantalizing conversation.

Brent had been staring at Brian and I very suspiciously for quite some time, and finally, he asked, "Have you two lovebirds set a date yet?"

I glanced at Brian for approval, and he nodded. "We set the date for January 25th. I was given the ultimatum of four months, so this date was perfect."

"A winter wedding. That's exotic," Leana said, winking at me. Jimmy placed his arm around her shoulders, toying with her hair.

I smiled, blushing. "We just thought that it would give the three of you plenty of time to recover, and it's between New Year's and Jimmy's birthday. How much more perfect could it be?"

Leana smiled. "I'm honored that you've taken our future health conditions into mind."

Matt cleared his throat from the opposite side of the table, his and Val's intertwined hands resting in his lap. "Since we're all revealing surprises, I think it's high time that Jim and Lea spill. Have you chosen a name for the little tyke yet?"

"Of course we have," Jimmy said. "Lea and I decided to name him Alexander James." Everyone around the table cooed and awwed.

Silence settled for a moment but not for long. Johnny smiled at me across the table, and I smiled in return. Lacey glanced between us, but she could never have predicted what happened next. "I heard that was quite a honeymoon you two had, Matt," Johnny inserted very nonchalantly. My brother groaned, dropping his fork onto his plate. There was hysterical laughter all around the table.

Zach sighed, relieving his body of the laughter, and said, "We're all adults here, Matt, and we all know your wife is dying to dish about having sex on the beach in Bora Bora."

Matt chuckled. "That may be true, but not nearly as much as Abby is about having sex in my bathroom." I instantly blushed, and Brian released my hand, burying his face in his palms. I glanced at Leana who simply shrugged. Jimmy fidgeted nervously, attempting to appear innocent, but I knew. I couldn't believe that my brother, whom had refused to believe I even had a sex life a week ago, had just revealed his knowledge of myself - his sister - and one of his very best friends having sex in his own home with my future in-laws sitting across the table. Oh, the webs we weave.

Leana's father sat at the head of the table with his wife, tapping his fork against his champagne glass and clearing his throat. "While all these secrets are very entertaining, it's time that our attention shifts to the occasion at hand. With that being said, I'd like to make a toast to my wonderful son-in-law, my beautiful daughter, and little Alexander. We hope for a happy and healthy future." There wasn't a soul in the room who didn't drink to that, except for Leana, of course.

The shower ended a few hours later. Everyone was nearly exhausted, but as always, there was still a bit of fun to be had. I organized a menu inside my mind for dinner after I sent a message to Garrett and the others as Brian and I sauntered out to our Escalade. I listened to the crunch of gravel beneath our feet, the scent of fresh pine and clean water, a gentle breeze blowing through my hair. I could clearly see Jimmy and Leana's love for living here. It was absolutely fabulous. You could escape to your own fantasy world where life is as simple as it will ever get.

Brian sighed in content, saying, "It's nice here, isn't it?"

I nodded and replied, "It is." There was silence for a moment. "What are you trying to say, Haner?"

He shrugged. "Being in the wilderness, feeling this free reminds me of our life together. We'll be married soon, and someday, we'll have children. Our house doesn't have nearly enough space to raise a family, and we may need to move to suit our lifestyle." I smiled, biting my lower lip to avoid crying. My heart nearly shattered hearing those words. Someday, we'll have children. It touched me to know that Brian was thinking of our children, and deep within my soul, I ached for those children. Not someday, not in the future - now. I forced myself to set the thoughts aside, because I knew our day would come.

Breathing deeply, I answered, "I completely agree with you. We need a place that we can truly call home, a place where we can listen to the pitter patter of little feet for the rest of our days." As we reached the Escalade, Brian pinned me against its hard exterior. His lips met mine, our tongues waging war with one another.

"I love you, Abigail Sanders."

I exhaled sharply. "That's going to change."

Brian raised an eyebrow at me and asked, "What's going to change?"

"My last name." He smiled, kissing my lips a few more times before placing the keys in my hands. We climbed into the Escalade and headed toward the city in silence. There seemed to be something more that Brian wanted to say, but I couldn't be certain. After some time, the silence became deafening, so I stabbed a few buttons on the stereo, The Beatles's I Want to Hold Your Hand bleeding through the speakers.

The corners of Brian's mouth lifted into a faint smile as he said, "This should be our song, Abbs. We should play this at our wedding as our first dance."

I couldn't help but smile in return. He seemed to be filled with flattery today. "Our song it is, then." I could sense that there were still words to be had. There was something more lingering between us that needed to be said. I carefully pulled into the garage at that moment, my concentration broken. I exited the vehicle and entered the kitchen, making myself comfortable for dinner preparations. I sat at the breakfast nook, removing my boots when Brian interfered. I smiled down at him as he removed my boots for me, massaging my feet after they were lying on the floor beside him. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, cherishing how few and far between moments like this had been lately. "I understand that you're busy with planning our wedding, Abbs, but..."

"What is it, Bri? You know you can tell me." I climbed off of the bar stool, kneeling before him as I traced his lips with my thumb.

Taking my hand in his, he softly kissed my knuckles. "Our relationship is so strong, Abby, and you have such a great connection with my family. I know within every inch of my being that you're the one for me, that you're my soul mate. With that being said, I think it's time for you to meet my mother."

I was a bit confused. I didn't quite understand the words he'd just spoken, but I deciphered them as best as I could, managing to form a reply. "Brian, I already know your mother."

He shook his head, chuckling a bit. "Suzy is my step-mother, Abby. What I mean is that I want you to meet my biological mother, Jan Gera." I was shocked. I'd known this man since birth, yet I still hadn't met his biological mother. How could this be? I thought I knew everything about him, had met everyone who had ever touched his life, but I was sorely mistaken. "She never cared for any of us. Even before Mom and Dad's divorce, Suzy was feeding and bathing us when we were younger. It was almost like she was a replacement, and Brent and I accepted her. McKenna came along afterward, and the rest is history." Brian got to his feet and walked over to the refrigerator, producing two beers. I followed suit, watching as he opened each one. It was obvious that even mentioning his mother irritated him, and I suddenly realized that he and I were more alike than we had ever known. I had absolutely no relationship with my so-called "parents", and he had never cared for his mother.

"Honey, I know what it's like to feel alienated from your parents, but I don't have to meet her if you can't handle seeing her again."

He held his hands up in defiance, replying, "That's not what I meant, Abby. I want you to meet my mother, because we're getting married. I have to invite her to our wedding, just like you have to invite your parents."

Those words signaled an intense reaction that I had absolutely no control over. "Are you insane?! Have you been paying attention all these years?! I have not a single ounce of some sort of a relationship with those people! Brian, I cannot invite them to our wedding, and I will not."

I could feel the fire burning in his eyes, the anger building inside of him. "I was there through all of the heartache, through all of the tears and the sleepless nights. I sacrificed my life for you, Abby, and all I'm asking for in return is for you to let go, let go of the grudge." How could I reply? I was at a loss for words, because alas, he was right. Unfortunately, my pride and my pain seemed to bar me from allowing such a sinister event to occur. For years I'd forced myself to believe that my parents hated me, that they never wanted to be an active part of my life, but I was far too stubborn to accept that they were standing before me with open arms, prepared to mend our relationship at any given moment. Brian, being the gracious harbor that he is, sided with me, because he loved me. Now, he's choosing between what he wants and what's right. It's obvious that he's chosen what's right, but I'm not prepared to face this situation just yet. Who's to say that I'll ever be prepared to face the most painful event of my life. Brian sighed, the anger leaving him with the exhale of his breath. "I've asked for them to have lunch with you tomorrow at their mansion in Long Beach, and they've accepted. They're expecting you at noon without me."

I was horrified. "How could you? How could you do this to me, Brian? Why... why are you doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this?"

"You don't understand, Abby. This isn't punishment. It's a reconciliation."

Tears flooded from my eyes. "You're supposed to be the man I love, Brian, not my worst enemy." His head hung low as I turned, bounding up the stairs. I locked myself inside our room as quickly as possible, instantly running to the shower. I stripped down to my bare skin, slipping into a shower that was as hot as possible. The scolding water burned every inch of my skin, but the physical pain deterred my mind from the pain of the ultimate betrayal. I continued to cry in the shower and as I dressed afterward. I stepped gingerly back into our room for fear that Brian would be there, but there wasn't a soul in sight. I tied my hair into a loose, messy bun, pulling on a simple white tank top and a pair of gray sweat pants. My once rosy cheeks were a deep crimson, stained by the tears that constantly streamed from my eyes.

As I crawled beneath the sheets, seeing Brian's place empty next to me, smelling his intoxicating scent, I was reminded of a rather familiar emotion. For a very peculiar reason, I'd been reminded of the turmoil, the destruction I'd felt after Brian had cheated on me with Michelle. It was as though I were undergoing the very same betrayal yet again. I couldn't accept that, and I refused to accept it. I climbed out of the bed, striding over to the bureau. Beside my jewelry box sat an iPod dock, my iPod Touch sitting inside. I stabbed a few buttons, searching for a genre of music that I knew would send my mind to a place far, far away from Huntington Beach. As the sound of Lady Gaga's voice bled through the stereo system the dock had been wired through, I closed my eyes, allowing the beating techno to mesh with the rhythm of my heart. Life seemed so much simpler in music, and I was fortunate for the escape.

I crawled back onto the bed, choosing to sit rather than lie and to sit in the very center rather than on my side. It allowed me to find my center balance, allowed me to forget that there was another person that belonged here beside me, but beneath my world of meditation, I could hear the sound of the guests arriving. A game of Rock Band had begun in the living room, a round of pool was in full swing in the game room, and the alcohol and conversation were flowing constantly, but my mind immediately shifted to the sound of the creaking stairs outside my door. I heard the soft whispers of the only voices I'd ever be able to recognize in a crowd of a million people: my brother's and my fiance's. I could hear Brian mumbling about Matt talking to me, and I knew I had to act fast. "If you so much as set foot in here, Matthew Sanders, you will never see the light of day ever again," I shouted.

Brian sighed. "Abby, please, -"

"Go to Hell, Brian!"

Matt mumbled a few comforting words to Brian as I heard the sound of his knuckles colliding with the wall. He always seemed to resort to violence when he was angry. "All we're asking is that you be reasonable, Abbs. We're not trying to punish you, and we certainly don't want to hurt you. You know that neither Brian nor myself would ever do anything to harm you."

I shook my head, though he couldn't see me. "You're treading on thin ice, Matt. If you know what's good for you, you'll leave now." They lingered for a few more minutes before I heard the sound of the stairs creaking again as they traveled down them just as the song changed. I listened intently to the sound of Brown Eyes. I'd listened to the song many times, but I'd never listened to the meaning, to the intent behind the words.

In your brown eyes,
I walked away.
In your brown eyes,
I couldn't stay.
In your brown eyes,
you'll watch her go,
then turn the record on,
and wonder what went wrong,
what went wrong?

And I wonder: what went wrong?