You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

The California sun shone brightly as it bled through the windows in mine and Brian's bedroom. It was a nice touch, seeing as today was the warmest day in Huntington Beach in the month of September. Brian had planned a bonfire for tonight, considering the weather, and I was preparing myself for the arrival of our guests. I'd gone shopping with Taylor earlier for nothing more than alcohol and any sort of meat that Brian could throw on the grill. Pinkly lay at the foot of our bed in the white fleece bed I had bought for her with her name embroidered in pink, cursive letters on the front. She loved sleeping there, and it kept her from laying between me and Brian at night. Surprisingly, she soundly slept with Taylor fumbling around in the bathroom only feet away.

She walked into the bedroom moments later, examining her scantily clothed body in the mirror beside me. Distracted, I placed my lip gloss on the bureau, staring at her in utter confusion. "What the hell are you wearing?"

"The brand, spankin' new Vengeance University V-string," she said. She seemed rather proud of herself. "It's quite comfortable, actually."

With furrowed brows, I wandered to the opposite side of her, saying, "It's definitely spankin'." As I left her staring at her own reflection to retrieve my flip-flops from the closet, several knocks echoed from the door followed by a familiar voice. Zach entered only seconds later without being allowed. "It's so polite to just barge into my room, Zachary. What if one of us would've been naked?"

He smiled. "She might as well be," he said, gesturing to his girlfriend. "By the way, it looks amazing on you, babe."

"Thanks, baby. I thought so, too."

I groaned, shoving past the two as they continued to grope one another. "You two are disgusting. Get out of my room."

Taylor scoffed. "At least let me put some clothes on first."

"I'll give you that much," I replied. As Taylor slipped into a pair of denim shorts, Brian entered the room to find Zach laying on our bed and myself and Taylor in the bathroom.

He smiled as he lingered in the doorway, his ankles and arms crossed. "It looks like there's a party already going on in here."

I shook my head and said, "Believe me, there isn't, because I just crashed it." Taylor rolled her eyes, lightly punching my arm as she left with Zach.

Brian sauntered over to me, slipping his finger through a belt loop on my shorts. He pulled me into his chest, gently kissing my lips. "Mmm. You look hot, babe," he said, resting his head on my shoulder. I softly scratched his back as he shoved his hands into my back pockets.

"You don't look half bad yourself."

He scoffed, replying, "You always say that." His words were muffled as his face was still buried between my neck and my shoulder.

I smiled, though he couldn't see it. "Only because it's always true."

"If you say so." He, finally, lifted his head, resting his forehead against mine, our lips barely brushing. "As we speak, Papa Roach and Good Charlotte are sitting on our deck with all of our friends, but they aren't expecting us for a few more minutes."

Laughing, I replied, "We have all night, Bri. It can wait, and so can you." He groaned as I pushed past him, our hands intertwined. He was forced to follow me as I guided us down the stairs and out to the deck.

Though my feelings for Brian were set in stone, I still found our publicly intimate moments a bit awkward with Garrett around. It seemed as though he'd come to terms with mine and Brian's relationship, but I still didn't feel that way. It had been days since we last spoke, and I could see the need to speak burning in his eyes. He held his tongue, though. He allowed the others to make my acquaintance, because he knew that he could corner me later, that he could have me all to himself. Reality struck a cord as I found Jacoby Shaddix standing before me, his hand extended in a greeting.

"Jacoby Shaddix. Pleased to make your acquaintance. It's nice to finally know that you really do exist. I remember all the times Gates talked about you on the road, but I was never convinced that you were real. I didn't even believe you were Matt's sister. As a matter-of-fact, I never even knew that Matt had any siblings. You seemed like a figment of Brian's imagination: the perfect woman, but now that I see he's put a ring on your finger and plans to make an honest woman out of you, I'll believe it." Brian only shrugged when I glanced at him for confirmation, meaning every word Jacoby said was true. He squeezed my hand reassuringly, rubbing his thumb over my engagement ring. "This means I'm invited, right?"

Brian laughed. "We couldn't have a wedding without you, bro."

Jacoby smiled and responded, "I would be an honored guest at your wedding, unlike another couple I know."

My brother rolled his eyes. "I made the list, and Val sent the invitations. If you're going to hold a grudge, hold it against her, not me. You've been married longer than any of us. You know how women are."

"Shut up, Matt. I would've invited you, Jacoby, but there just wasn't enough seats," Val defended. Jacoby shrugged, walking over to the cooler for another beer. Afterward, Brian proceeded to introduce me and the others to the remaining men of Papa Roach, then began with Good Charlotte.

Benji Madden quickly got to his feet as Brian and I approached him, offering his hand to me before either of us could even speak a word. "The infamous Abigail Sanders. I've heard a lot about you," he said as he firmly shook my head.

I smiled and said, "I hope it's all been very good."

"Better than good, I would say," he replied. I smiled at Brian, blushing all the while.

Brian cleared his throat, saying, "It won't be Sanders for much longer. We're getting married in January."

Benji's twin brother, Joel, greeted me as he inserted, "I noticed your ring. Congratulations." Brian made due in introducing me to the other members of Good Charlotte where after he joined Johnny at the grill. I beckoned Ciara and Natalie into the kitchen with me with others in tow. Logan and Brett sat between the two girls as I began preparing sides for our feast. Jordan followed shortly after, but Garrett seemed to be engrossed in the conversation he was having with rhythm guitarist, Billy Martin, of Good Charlotte. Taylor had grown bored of her significant other, who had also found himself caught up in a conversation with another band member, joining the crowd in the kitchen to help me with the dinner preparations.

Natalie smiled at me from her position on Brett's lap, watching me as she did so. "What happened last night with your parents?"

I smiled as I said, "We had a total reconciliation. It was, by far, one of the best feelings I've ever had in my entire life, and I'm looking forward to Dad walking me down the aisle."

"What about the fight you had with Brian the other night?" Jordan questioned.

Placing the knife on the counter I'd been using to chop lettuce, I stared at Jordan. "What do you think? We can never stay angry with each other for very long. Since you all seem to know every detail about every event in my life recently, I'm assuming Brian has been unleashing his thoughts on all of you." They all nodded. I expected as much. "What other questions do you have for me then?"

Ciara shook her head and replied, "No questions, just thanks. We wanted to properly thank you for making us your bridesmaids, and I'm sure Taylor would like to do so, as well."

Sighing, Taylor threw her arms around me, her cheek pressed against my chest. "I was so happy when Brian told me that I was your Maid of Honor. I've always wanted to be a Maid of Honor, and I'm so glad I will be at your wedding!" There was silence for a moment as I stared at my friends in bewilderment due to the lack of oxygen and blood flow from Taylor's position.

"You're welcome, honey. I couldn't have a wedding without you," I said.

As she released me, she added, "You know, if Brian would let me, I'd marry you myself."

Everyone laughed. "I'm not so sure that Zach or Brian would appreciate that very much, Tay," Logan added. He and Ciara were sharing a seat next to Brett and Natalie.

Clearing my throat, I turned to Taylor and said, "I like sex a lot, and I know you do, too, but I don't think either of us would enjoy sex with each other. You see, the kind of sex I like involves a penis, and quite frankly, I don't believe you have one of those." Silence quickly settled as my brother stood in the doorway leading from the deck to the kitchen with his mouth agape and his eyes as wide as the world.

Holding two empty beer bottles, he said, "A few extra beers can wait, because that was my cue to leave." Hysterical laughter erupted inside the kitchen as Matt made his leave.

"He learns something new every day, doesn't he?" Brett asked as he watched after my brother.

I nodded as I reached into the refrigerator for more vegetables to be sliced and placed in the salad Taylor and I were preparing. "You bet. He hasn't become accustomed to our sex talk just yet, especially not when it involves me. He still refuses to believe that I have a sex life. It might just be because mine is far better than his, but who really knows?"

"I'm sure Val would second that," Taylor inserted.

Our conversation was interrupted by the presence of Leana. Staring at Taylor and I, she asked, "Can I talk to you two for just a sec?" We glanced at one another before nodding and following her into the hallway, our friends staring after us in concern. Leana sighed as we reached our destination, staring at her belly as she began to speak again. "This is probably the most inopportune time to be telling the two of you this, but I just thought you should know. You're romantically involved with Zach and Brian, and this is the worst part of loving a man who's in a band."

"What are you talking about, Lea?" I asked.

Her watery eyes met mine as she said, "The guys are leaving for a three month European tour in two weeks." My heart sank. I finally understood Leana's unhappiness, because I was in a familiar position. She and Jimmy were expecting a baby in two and a half months, and he was going to be in a completely different country on the day of his son's birth! Brian and I were going to be married in less than four months, and the burden of planning our wedding alone had just been dumped into my lap. I feared that he may not even be home for our wedding. September was fading quickly with October hurtling toward us, and a new month brought new issues. "They'll be home for the holidays but no longer. Larry seemed really upset when he told Jim and I about all of this, because he has to leave his family, too, but I just can't fathom a time like this without him. He the man I love, the father of my unborn child, and I can't do this without him by my side."

I was searching for any sort of an outlet, any form of a loophole, but I couldn't find one. "There's no way we can go with them, and in your condition, I couldn't imagine leaving you behind. I'd feel just as guilty as Jimmy will."

Leana only nodded. "Val is really upset, too. She and Matt are newlyweds, and right now, they're inseparable. She's doing an excellent job at masking her pain, but she's absolutely torn inside. She hasn't left his side in days."

"Days? Why are we just now being told about this, and why are you telling us instead of our boyfriends?" Taylor asked.

Interrupting, I sadly corrected, "That's fiance in my case, dear." She simply glared at me. A raging fire burned within her eyes that I knew would soon erupt in a waterfall of tears.

Leana shrugged as she explained. "I don't know why they haven't told you, but Lacey casually mentioned them leaving a moment ago. No one said a word, and I noticed that Zach and Brian were staring at each other. I assumed they hadn't told the two you, and it appears as though I've assumed correctly."

Fighting the tears, I replied, "Thanks for telling us, Lea. This isn't going to be easy for anyone, but you know that we're always here for you, sweetie." She nodded as Taylor and I hugged her. As we parted ways, Taylor and I returned to the kitchen, our humor dampened.

"Is everything alright?" Ciara asked as Taylor wiped the tears from her eyes.

Shaking my head, I explained our situation. The laughter had subsided as all the girls pitched in to prepare our dinner. Moments later, I found my dining room filled to the brim with people as I served the largest meal I do believe I've ever served in my life. My mood had changed instantly as the crowd gathered, but Brian noticed the slight change in my demeanor. I entered the kitchen to grab a few more beers only to find myself face to face with my fiance as I closed the refrigerator door. I smiled as I said, "Do you need anything, babe?"

He nodded as he barred me from leaving his presence. "What's the matter? You're not acting like your usual self, Abbs. You can tell me what's bothering you, and you know that."

"What makes you think there's anything bothering me? I'm fine, Bri." I lied, and he knew I had.

As I attempted to move around him, he grabbed my wrist and said, "Don't lie to me, Abigail."

Sighing, I replied, "I don't want to talk about this here and not now." With that, he allowed me to exit. I suffered through dinner with a fake smile plastered on my face so much so that my cheeks hurt. The tension between Brian and I was unmistakable, and he never so much as offered to hold my hand or rest his arm around my shoulders. There was distance between us, and it was sickening. Dinner ended a few hours later, and everyone filed outside to sit and drink around the bonfire Johnny and Garrett had made. I found this as the perfect opportunity for a cleansing walk on the beach. The night was still young, and I knew our guests wouldn't mind my absence. I needed an excuse, though, and as I entered mine and Brian's room to grab a pair of sunglasses for my walk, I found the perfect one: Pinkly. She still slept soundly in her bed, but my emotional stability was more important right now than her beauty sleep. I quickly searched for her collar and leash, which I immediately placed around her neck. She was startled, but I didn't care. Without any warning, I dragged her out of her bed, allowing her to regain her composure for only a moment. When she realized where we were going and what we were doing, she bolted down the stairs, and I gratefully followed.

Upon reaching the sand, Pinkly slowed to a trot as Brian ran over to us. "Where do you think you're going?"

Nonchalantly, I replied, "Pinkly and I are going for a much needed walk."

"Do you mind if I join you?" Garrett interrupted.

Smiling, I answered, "I'd be honored." Brian stared after myself and Garrett in confusion and disbelief, but he reluctantly returned to our friends moments later. Garrett and I walked side by side in silence, his hands shoved deep within the pockets of his jeans. I noticed that he'd cut his hair. Rather than being long and surrounding his chiseled features, it was short, much like Zach's, but his icy blue eyes and glowing snakebites were what I really noticed. They were the most... appealing features to me.

Clearing his throat, Garrett said, "Jordan and I finally found a place here in Huntington, and so did Logan and Ciara and Brett and Natalie. We don't live very far from each other, and it'd be nice if you and Brian came by for a visit some time."

I nodded. "That sounds like fun."

There was more silence, but Garrett cut through it like a knife again. "I'm your best friend, Abby, and even though you and my sister spend a lot more time together nowadays, you know that you can tell me anything, especially the things you can't tell Brian. I've kept all your deepest, darkest secrets all this time. I can handle a few more."

"It's no secret that the guys are leaving for a three month Euro tour in two weeks, Garrett," I simply stated.

He nodded. "I can see why you're upset."

I scoffed. "I am far beyond upset."

"Is that why you're avoiding him?"

Shaking my head, I replied, "I'm not avoiding him. I'm just giving myself some space for his sake. Leana told us about the tour, and knowing that there was only two weeks left beforehand and an unplanned wedding still ahead of us, he has yet to tell me himself."

"Did it ever occur to you that he might be just as upset about this as you are?" Garrett asked.

Before I could reply, Garrett and I were interrupted by Brian. "Could you give us a minute, Garrett?" He simply nodded as I thanked him for walking with me. Releasing Pinkly's leash from her collar, I allowed her to run into the ocean where I knew she so desperately wanted to go. She immediately began barking at crabs and starfish as she always had. Brian watched after his dog, walking past me to sit in the sand as close to the shore as possible with the tide only brushing his bare feet. That was my cue. I sauntered over to him, removing my flip-flops and placing my sunglasses on top of my head as I sat between his legs. Leaning against his chest, I closed my eyes, listening to his heart beat and his deep breathing. I'd miss moments like these the most, and I didn't know how I was going to survive without them.

Fighting the tears yet again, I managed to say, "This is the worst possible thing that could happen right now, Brian."

Resting his forehead against my neck, he replied, "I know, and I'm sorry. Not a single one of us wanted to be on a European tour for three months, but we have to get this over with. We've spent two months at home, and we've got to get the other three months of our nine month tour out of the way."

Venomously, I questioned, "When did you plan to tell me about this?"

"I planned to tell you tonight after everyone had left. I wanted to tell you when the time was right," he defended.

Contemplating tonight's events, I asked, "Is that why you invited Papa Roach and Good Charlotte?"

He only nodded. "I wanted you to meet them, because I knew you were a fan of theirs, but most importantly, they are the guys we'll be on tour with. They have families, too, Abbs, and they're going to be apart from them just like us. Jim's not handling this situation all that well, either, and your brother's pretty upset, too."

Exhaling sharply, I replied, "I know. Leana told me."

He scoffed. "I thought so."

"She's just as upset as the rest of us. She's giving birth to her first child in two and a half months, Brian, and the father of her son may not be there!"

Gently kissing the skin on my neck, he said, "I understand all of this perfectly, Abby. We're all at a time in our lives where we're settling down. We're all getting married and starting families, and like you said, this is the worst possible thing that could happen right now."

There was silence for a moment. "Will you be home for our wedding?" I finally asked.

Wrapping his arms around my waist, Brian said, "Abby, I would miss a sold-out show anywhere in the world to marry you, and I promise that our wedding day will be the best day of your life."

"Can you promise me a honeymoon, too?"

He laughed. "I wouldn't give you a wedding without a honeymoon, baby."

Switching positions, I straddled his hips, my arms wrapped around his neck. "How does Italy sound, then?"

Smiling, he answered, "I'll book the flight and make all the reservations tomorrow."

I kissed his lips a few times before sighing. "What am I going to do without you for three months?"

"This, I would imagine," he said with a chuckle as he watched Pinkly bounce through the crashing waves.

I stared after her. "She's going to be miserable without you, too. She'll probably be sick of me by the time you come home."

Shaking his head, Brian replied, "Nah. She loves you just as much as I do, babe."

"If you say so," I groaned. "We better get back to the bonfire. I'm sure everyone's wondering where we ran off to."

Helping me to my feet, he said, "I'm sure they have their own ideas." I rolled my eyes as I dusted the sand from my shorts, assisting Brian afterward.

As I continued to clean the sand from his jeans, I said, "You're never going to survive without me, are you?"

"Probably not," he answered. "Who's going to do my laundry? Who's going to make dinner for me? Who's going to have sex with me?"

With a devious smile, I said, "Looks like it's just gonna be you and your hand for the next three months, Haner."

As he retrieved his soaked dog from the ocean, he said, "You're partially correct, but there is a catch."

"There's only a catch if I am the only woman involved," I added as I re-attached her leash, placing it in Brian's hand. He intertwined our fingers as we began to walk along the beach again, holding my flip-flops in my other hand.

He smiled. "Believe me. You are. What I meant was that I've created a sort of long distance relationship kit."

"Exactly what does this kit of yours consist of?" I questioned. Was he losing his mind?

Pinkly stopped before us, barking and growling as a turtle crawled into the ocean, but we shortly began walking again. "It isn't truly a kit, because it only consists of one thing: a web cam, and this way, I can have dinner and a show every night."

Laughing, I replied, "Brian, your definition of dinner and a show is a bag of Doritos and a stripper."

Winking at me, he said, "Exactly."

"You are so pathetic."

"I believe the correct answer is that I am a man, and I am only doing what men do best."

I scoffed. "What is that? Having sex?"

He nodded. "A form of it, yes."

"You never cease to amaze me. You are the only man I've ever met that would do anything for sex... with his fiancee, that is."

As we arrived at our home, he guided Pinkly inside. He removed her collar and leash as quickly as possible before pinning me to the wall. "Speaking of which..." His lips molded to mine, instantly trailing down my neck afterward.

Giggling, I said, "We can have all the sex we want tonight, Brian. We're supposed to be entertaining our guests, you know."

He smiled deviously as he replied, "This is entertainment. I don't mind if a few people watch."

"You are such a horny bastard!" I shouted as he began unzipping my shorts.

Brian's relentless tugging on my shorts countered my attempts to zip them again as the zipper kept slipping from my fingers. "You know, we've never had sex on the beach."

I groaned as I finally managed to fasten my shorts around my waist once again. "In your dreams, honey. Let's go. You're getting a bit too frisky."

He chuckled. "You like it."

I rolled my eyes as I dragged him along behind me. "I need another drink."

Rain battered the window like bullets as I watched it fall. Our guests had parted ways hours ago, and Brian and I were settling in for the night. I ruffled my damp tousles as I crawled beneath our sheets, knowing that my hair would look far worse after Brian joined me. I'd been with him earlier in the shower, but I left him alone, because I knew he'd never be able to focus on the task at hand with me around. Staring at his pillow, his empty place by my side, I wondered about the next three months. I'd never been away from Brian for any longer than two, and considering our current relationship, I wasn't so sure that I could withstand being away from him for two days. I closed my eyes as I inhaled his scent, missing him already though he was only feet away. Leaning against the headboard, I scoped the room. It was barren and empty without Brian. The thought of being thousands of miles away from him made my heart ache in a way that I couldn't put into words.

As I toyed with a loose thread on our black, satin sheets, I thought about my life before Brian. It was horrible. Aside from never having had sex with any man in my entire life, I'd never been one for dating men, either. I hated seeing men, because I always compared them to Brian. I hated relationships, because I always wished I was in one with Brian. I hated watching chick flicks or reading romance novels, because I always wanted the main characters to be myself and Brian. In those days, I felt as though my wants were a bit far-fetched, but now, I see that I was very wrong. Had I been asked a year ago where I would see myself now, I wouldn't even begin to know how to form an answer. My life changed dramatically every year, but I never would've imagined myself losing my virginity to the man I'd saved myself for, much less living with or marrying him. I certainly never would've imagined the man I love forcing a reconciliation between myself and my parents. I was more thankful for Brian than I could ever express. He was, by far, the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I was going to be absolutely miserable without him.

His velvety laugh interrupted my chain of thought. "You're already crying again, and only a wall separated us." I wiped the tears that I hadn't realized were falling and smiled as he walked over to the desk in the corner. I remembered everything about that desk. It's where he'd written some of his first music, where he practiced every day of his life. It was his most prized possessions, aside from his guitars, of course. So many lyrics had been carved into its flimsy exterior, but it had managed to last this long. He opened the small drawer in front as I crawled to the foot of our bed, only wearing his House of Syn T-shirt and his favorite pair of black, lace panties. He produced a black web cam, rolling it around in his hand as he explained, "I bought this for you last week, and this will be our only visual connection for a while. There's always text messaging and phone calls, but I thought you'd like this a lot better. I'll be home for the holidays, but I realize that's still not enough for you, because it's not enough for me, either. I really do hate leaving you in a time like this, and I understand that this is putting a lot of stress on our relationship, but don't let us being apart for any measure of time separate us. When our positions are switched someday in the distant future, when you're out on tour while I'm here without you, you'll truly understand what this feels like, because it hurts. It hurts so bad. I never loved Michelle like I love you, Abby. She was nothing to me compared to what you are, and I'm glad you've completely turned my life upside down, because I like this perspective a hell of a lot better."

I couldn't hide the tears. How could any woman? "I love you so much, Brian Haner," I said. My muscles seemed to be paralyzed as he sauntered over to me, his lips immediately meeting mine in the longest, most passion filled kiss I'd ever endured. Even when my lungs ached due to the lack of oxygen, I couldn't bare for our lips to part.

"I'll miss this more than anything," he said between deep breaths as he finally surfaced for air.

The pressure of his chest weighing on mine, the feeling of his skin against my own was electric. There was more chemistry between myself and Brian than words could describe. We were soul mates, because our hearts had always beat as one. "Can I keep this shirt as a memento?" I asked.

He laughed into my lips as he kissed them again. "You can keep them all, baby."

"I'd like for you to have something to cover your body with. I don't want some group of teeny boppers getting any ideas," I said with a chuckle. He simply shook his head at my compliments, smiling all the while. "You don't realize just how many girls would kill to be me, how jealous they are, because you don't realize just how sexy you are."

He seemed to be a bit engrossed in the kiss, taking a moment before replying. "There are many more men who are far more jealous of me."

"Just shut up and make love to me."