You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

I'd become a monster. I was a beast, and I deserved to be treated as so. I was met by the unwavering glares of Abby's family and friends after Dr. Redmond had revealed that I wanted to murder their loved one. I knew very well that I shouldn't say a word, that I shouldn't even so much as attempt to defend myself, because I'd surely be shouted at and/or beaten upon. If looks could kill, I'd be dead in an instant. I could merely sense the anger and rage, feel the sheer hatred and utter distaste. I wanted so desperately for these people to understand, but I knew that I'd never have the opportunity to do so. I'd been directed into this very private waiting room by Dr. Redmond after I'd spoken with her, sitting alone in silence until everyone had arrived. I'd been beneath a microscope ever since, stared at as though I were the latest experiment.

I met Garrett's venomous stare, watching the internal flame flickering in his eyes. I shifted my gaze to Brooke who sat at Garrett's side with a rather concerned expression, clutching onto his left arm. I glanced at Matt only to find his face to be the deepest shade of crimson. His palms were wrapped around the arms of the chair that he was seated in, his fingernails penetrating the faux leather. It was obvious that Val couldn't do much to soothe him, though her desperate attempts seemed to sway his animosity. I was surprised to discover Grams and Gramps's and Gary and Kim's, Matt and Abby's parents, sympathetic gazes. I never expected any form of understanding, especially not from these individuals. I found most other expressions and appearances to be precarious and uncomfortable, but I could easily distinguish the absolute fury smoldering within Taylor's pure, green eyes.

The both of us held a strong gaze for some time before the anger began to wither. The tears streaming down her cheeks ceasing to flow as the epiphany of understanding settled. I was suddenly spared by Jimmy's entrance along with an unfamiliar physician, her name badge reading Dr. Alicia Simmons. I was greeted with a tepid smile and a clasp of the shoulder as Jimmy sat in the vacant chair at my side. I quietly sighed in relief. I needed his support in a time such a this. I knew that I'd receive instant empathy from him, and I felt reassurance in knowing so. Clearing her throat, Dr. Redmond began, "I'd like to make an apology." Dr. Simmons loyally stood aside, seemingly believing Dr. Redmond's contest. "I am to blame for all of this." She sighed as she gathered her thoughts. "However, I am not claiming to agree with Brian's desire, because I don't, but I am offering an alternative." Everyone exchanged glances of sheer confusion and absolute disbelief. What could an alternative possibly entail? "I'm not a specialist in neurology, of course, so I'd like to introduce one: Dr. Alicia Simmons."

The thin, brunette smiled brightly, flashing her perfectly aligned teeth and batting her lengthened eyelashes that shaded her emerald eyes. "It's wonderful to meet all of you. I've been reviewing Abigail's case for hours, searching for some sort of a procedure to diminish and, possibly, wake her from this coma, but I've been unsuccessful until now. I was trained for an experimental neurological procedure at a seminar a few months ago in which a shunt will be inserted into the brain stem to drain the fluid surrounding the brain that is causing the comatose state. The statistics concerning the success rates have yet to be calculated, but I do believe that Abigail could possibly be a potential candidate for this procedure." She briefly paused, gaging the countless reactions that she received before she cautiously chose to continue, "There are, of course, risks included with this procedure. It's never been performed on a pregnant patient before, and due to the stress placed upon the brain, the body is catapulted into a nearly uncontrollable state. Her heart rate could easily reach dangerous levels, and her blood pressure could spontaneously fluctuate, giving way to a heart attack or stroke. It's very possible to lose both mother and child during this procedure, but it's also very likely that this procedure could be unsuccessful, as well." She paused yet again, glancing at Dr. Redmond, who simply nodded. "I have the tools and the skills to operate, but due to the risk of the procedure and, also, to Abigail's pregnancy, I'll need parental permission."

Bewildered, I suddenly blurted, "She is my fiancee, and she is carrying my child. I'll decide their fate."

As she shook her head, Dr. Simmons replied, "You may be the father of Abigail's child, but you aren't legally married to her; therefore, your opinion cannot be considered." I sighed heavily, placing my elbows on my knees. I rested my face in my palms, scrounging for any legitimate reason to sway the obvious opinions of Abby's family. "I'll allow as much time as is required to make a decision such as this, but I strongly advise that a conclusion is reached within the day. In a vegetative, comatose state such as Abigail's, the brain is only viable for so long."

"I'll gladly be the recipient of the decision. Access to multiple forms of contact with myself and Dr. Simmons can be made available to insure an instantaneous reply."

She smiled, turning to leave with Dr. Simmons in tow. "Could I spare another moment, Dr. Simmons?" Kim asked. The woman returned with a galliant smile, gazing upon Kim's uncomfortable demeanor. She nervously fidgeted with her husband's fingers as she said, "My husband and I are not Abby's legal guardians."

With furrowed brows, Dr. Simmons glanced between Dr. Redmond and Kim. "Is that so?"

She nodded. "We cannot legally make this decision, because we placed her under the care of Gary's parents at birth. We never signed her birth certificate." It was obvious that the Sanders were drowning in shame.

"She speaks the truth," Grams inserted. "She and Gary are not Abigail's legal guardians, after all. My husband and I are, and I do believe that a mutual decision has been reached."

Defiantly, Dr. Simmons replied, "Please consider this, ma'am. This is a difficult decision to be made."

Nodding, Grams answered, "We understand, which is exactly why we would like to continue with the procedure." I was absolutely shocked, certain that I'd felt my heart disintegrate in the toxic liquids of my stomach. I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe that I'd been sided with, especially by Grams and Gramps.

"How could you?!" Matt shouted.

Dr. Simmons assisted Val in calming Matt. "If I may, Mr. Sanders, offer a bit of relief." He sat in silence, simply staring at her. "The risks of this procedure are more susceptible to the fetus, rather than Abigail. She's much stronger than an infant; therefore, she is far more likely to survive. The survival rates aren't far apart in range, but the sheer knowledge seems to comfort most families." She glanced at Dr. Redmond, who had joined her, to continue.

"There will forever be lasting effects of this accident should Abby survive, but there should never be any repercussions involving her reproductive system. Her supply of eggs is plentiful, and her body is designed for child bearing. It's very possible for her to conceive another child in the near future," she said. "Abby wants to spend the rest of her life with Brian. Brian wants to spend the rest of his life with Abby. These two, obviously, love one another, and in order to sustain this perfect match, I recommend an immediate abortion."

Instantly enraged, I added, "Absolutely not. She would take another life before she'd abort this child. I'd never be forgiven if I let this happen."

"You've absolutely lost your mind, Brian," Garrett said. "You're insane. You aren't thinking logically, because you know damn well that Abby is far more important than any child that you could ever provide!"

I felt tears begin to form in my eyes again as I listened to his words. "You'll never understand, Garrett. You'll never even remotely grasp the concept in all the days that you'll walk this earth. You will never know the pain in being forced to choose between the woman you've loved all your life and the only child that you may ever have. You'll never feel the anger of watching others dictate the fate of your entire world, your entire being. You'll never know the sensation of being behind a pane of glass, watching as your life passes you by, because you aren't the chosen one. None of you are." I bit my lower lip for a fleeting moment, wiping a few tears that fell. "You'll never have to wake up beside Abby every day of your wretched life, regretting the decision that was made. You'll never be resented for your lack of control. You'll never feel any of this, Garrett, because you are not me." I had never in my entire life needed a drink as badly as I did now. I needed several drinks, actually, and I desperately needed to see Abby.

"It's settled, then. I'll prepare an operating room," Dr. Simmons said, leaving without another word.

Dr. Redmond smiled sympathetically. "It's best that visits are made before hours are over. I'll have a waiting room reserved for all of you."

"I should tell Lea," Jimmy said. I only stared after him, watching him exit.

I stood, preparing to depart for Abby's room, but I was suddenly seized by Grams and Gramps. "We're doing what's best for her, aren't we?" Grams asked.

I nodded and said, "I believe so."

"She far too young to be facing death. She deserves to be successful, to be married, and to have children. She's had one of the worst possible lives imaginable, but she's always had you," Gramps added.

With a smile, I replied, "I haven't been quite as faithful as I'd like to have been, but I'm changing the future, because I'm determined for Abby and I to have a future."

Grams sighed. "We'll see you again soon, sweetheart." I nodded again as the couple disappeared to visit with Abby. I was, then, greeted by Gary and Kim.

"We couldn't do this without you, Brian, and we greatly appreciate you participating in Abby's life. You seem to fill all of the voids," Kim said. The tears were difficult to mask.

Clearing his throat, Gary continued, "We're forever in debt to you. You'll always be a member of the Sanders family, regardless of the outcome of this procedure."

"Thank you," was all I could manage to say. I only smiled in response to countless sympathetic glances, finally reaching Garrett's cold stare.

He sent Brooke into the hall to allow sufficient privacy during the conversation. "I never wanted Abby to choose you. I wanted to be the chosen one. I always had until I met Brooke." He paused for a moment, on the very brink of tears. "I couldn't imagine losing her or the life inside of her. I need her to survive. I love her, but I also love Abby. I'll love her for an eternity, because I was never given the opportunity to express my love." It was difficult to face Garrett in this time of confession, because I certainly didn't care about his feelings for my withering fiancee. "I may not understand, but I want to. I just want her to overcome this. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, knowing that I was the luckiest man on Earth to be her best friend."

With a smile, I said, "I couldn't agree more." I was quickly confronted by Matt after Garrett and I had parted ways.

"I've never wanted to kill anyone as much as I want to kill you right now." He smiled a bit, sarcasm lacing his tone. I, too, smiled. He glanced between myself and Val as he continued, "I could never do this. I could never be the man that you've been in these past days." I was sincerely touched by Matt's words, but I simultaneously felt guilty. Everyone had thoroughly believed that I'd been the strongest in this situation, but everyone was very unaware of the disaster that I'd created at home, the sorrow and frustration that I'd unleashed. "I truthfully just want to thank you, and I know that Abby will do the same." I smiled even brighter as I wrapped my best friend in a tight hug. It was comforting to know that I had his support. His opinion had been out cast concerning recent events in mine and Abby's relationship, but his symbolism to not only Abby but myself, as well, created the unbreakable bond between us.

"Go ahead," Val urged after Matt had ventured across the hall. "Visit with Abby. I'll call your family."

I nodded and thanked her, accepting a ginger kiss on my cheek before I did exactly as I was told. I found Abby's room to be entirely filled with weeping souls, mourning over her lifeless body. I easily maneuvered around the crowd to the designated chair at her side, clutching her left hand in mine as I sat. I closed my eyes, silently praying that I'd have a living, breathing fiancee to share my life with soon. I desperately needed this woman, but I didn't know that I'd need her this much. I'd never be the same again if I truly lost her. I'd never live life to the fullest, because I'd have no desire to. I'd never realized the affect that a woman could have on a man until now. I'd never forget hearing every married couple that I'd crossed in all my years saying, "You can't live with 'em, but you can't live without 'em." It was true. I certainly couldn't live without this woman, because now, I had an alternative.