You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

There was dead silence as I began to emerge from whatever had happened to me. I could hear faint sounds that I knew were not’t loud but still felt as if they were piercing my ears. The lights inside of wherever I was were so bright that they hurt my eyes. After a moment of adjusting, I was able to fully open my eyes and see a rather familiar face. I couldn't’t smile at her even though I knew that I should. She hadn't’t done anything at all to me, but I was in no mood to show emotion right now. My head continued to pound along with the aching pain in the rest of my body. I moaned a bit as I sat up but Val didn't’t hold me back from doing so.

“It’s good to see that you’re okay,” she said with a soft smile. I smiled back at her out of courtesy and nodded.

“What exactly happened to me?” I had an idea of what had happened but I wasn't’t so sure.

“Well, once Brian got out of the limo and you saw his face, you fainted, dear. Luckily, though, Taylor and Garrett - if that’s what they said their names were - caught you before you had time to hit the pavement.” I nodded, silently telling her that that was all I needed to know. I sighed and sat up a bit farther from where I’d had my head resting in Val’s lap. As I searched the room, I realized that we were inside the studio - Ben’s conference room to be exact. There was no one around, either just me and Val.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“Outside. They all needed some fresh air after your little incident, and I opted to stay here with you in case you woke up,” she replied. I nodded yet again to tell her that that was all I needed. She sighed and I knew that she was about to say something that I didn't’t want to hear, so I knew that I needed to say something first.

“Val, I’m sorry,” I said, turning to meet her gaze. She simply stared at me before resting her hand on my right shoulder.

“You shouldn't’t be. You did only what you knew to do. I’m not upset about it, dear. Trust me. I would’would've done the same thing, but I think that those boys out there are going to need some coaxing and a lot of convincing. Your brother is just broken-hearted, and it’s not because you never told anyone about us or anything about your past. It’s because he broke that promise. That promise that we’d been trying to get ourselves to keep, but we got so tangled up in our new lives that we forgot all about you, Abbs. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s the truth. All he ever wanted you to know, Abby, is that he loved you and that he would always be there for you. He didn't’t want to hurt you, and he didn't’t try to, but now that he sees that he has, he’s going to try his best to undo it.” I sighed.

“Val, there is nothing that he can undo. He never saw the pain I was going through. Not even you saw the pain I was going through. Only Brian did.” I turned away from Val, remembering that very moment in which the guys were celebrating their victory of getting signed.

“We know that, now, sweetie. We were just so wrapped up in everything that we were being so selfish and only thinking of ourselves. Brian was the one that told us about everything he saw, you know. I think it made him feel a thousand times better being able to say all the things that had been on his mind lately.” Val sighed and stood up. “Listen, Abby. I know that we owe you a lot, but we also know that we miss you and that we want you to be a part of our lives again. You’re very important to all of those guys out there, and you will never find anyone who treasures you as much as those boys do no matter what anyone says or thinks. You’re very important to the girls and I too, Abby, and you know that. Even Matt, Jason, and Cam want you back, honey. We need you. You make our family complete, and without you, we will never be the same. We haven’t even been the same for the past eight years.”
“Val, I don’t know if I can do that now. I’I've been through so much over these past few years and I’I've made so much for myself. I don’t know that I could handle the other half of my life coming back to haunt me. Don’t get me wrong, Val, I miss you guys terribly and I think about what it would be like if you guys would’would've kept your promise twenty-four seven. Sometimes I wish so hard that you guys would’ve just been true about it so that I wouldn’t have had to suffer all of this, but I know that it’s all said and done and we can’t change that. I’m just… I’m just not so sure that I’m prepared to just let you guys back in just like that,” I replied, tears streaming down my face now. Val wiped away a few tears and sat back down beside me.

“Abby, you don’t have to just let us back in on a moment’s notice. I know that’s what those boys want but they also know that they are not going to get it. We want you to take your time with this. You’ve been under a lot of stress, according to Taylor and those guys, and I know that our return is not making that any better at all. We just want you to give us a second chance, sweetheart. We’ve searched high and low for you for years on end, and you kept hiding yourself from us. Don’t you think it’s time to give it up and rest?” The tears came down even faster and harder now. I was definitely willing to give up my charade and the persona that I’d been showing to everyone for eight long years. I was tired of being the sick, depressed, unhappy Abby. I was ready to be that person that was happy with her friends back in Huntington Beach, but was I really willing to let my guard down just like that? Could I be falling into a worthless trap? Could I even go on tour with these people much less let them see how I live and who I’ve become?

“We’ll take it slow, honey, and no one’s going to rush you. This will be at your pace, and you can start by touring with those boys. What do you say?” she asked with a hopeful expression. I glanced back at her, meeting her eyes. I searched her face for any sign of treachery or a facade, and I found nothing, nothing at all. Val had always been a good liar, but because of that, you could always see it in her eyes when she was telling the honest-to-God truth. That moment was one of those times. I broke our gaze and wiped my eyes. I had to give this up. If I didn’t I would continue my life knowing that I’d given up on my last chance to have what I’ve been wanting for many years. I have to take it slow, though. I knew that if I didn’t it would have dire consequences. I slowly nodded.

“Yeah. I’m willing to do that. That’ll just be the first step to a very long but worthwhile process that I’m looking forward to ending,” I said with a smile. My entire body felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of it, and I was putting on a charade or lying. I was telling the truth. This is what I wanted to happen. I could actually be truthful to people now and not hurt myself or whomever the situation involved. Val smiled brightly and threw her arms around my tightly. I returned the favor, wrapping my arms around her as well.

“It’s great to have you back, Abby. It really is, sweetie,” she said as she hugged me even tighter.

“It’s great to be back, babe,” I said softly. She finally released me after a moment.

“What do you say we go see those guys, huh? I know they have to be worried about you,” Val said. I smiled and nodded. “Then let’s go.” I nodded in agreement and followed her out of the room. She stopped and waited for me so I could lead the way, seeing as she didn’t know her way around this building. We reached the glass double doors in no time flat. Everyone had been talking before we had come out, but now, the conversation had died and all eyes were on me. I smiled weakly and sighed, preparing myself for the speech and the billions of apologies I had to say. Taylor’s gaze met mine for a brief moment, and I could tell that she was extremely upset. I’d hidden my entire life from her, and she was supposed to be my best friend. She was supposed to know everything about me. I bit my lower lip and stared around at everyone just as I was about to speak but Matt beat me to it.

“So, how ya feeling?” he asked me. I smiled yet again.
“I’m fine. Just a little tired and I’ve got a small headache but other than that, I’m fine.”

“Oh, well, that’s good,” he smiled.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Abby, why didn’t you ever tell us about them?” Garrett broke the mood. I knew it was surfacing because of the expression that crossed his face once Matt and I began talking. “I understand the broken promise thing. I’d be upset about that too, but there is not reason why you should hide all you’ve ever known from us. I mean, they’re famous, but that doesn’t make a difference, does it? You don’t care if anyone knows that the M. Shadows is your brother. You don’t care if people know that you grew up with these guys, and they’re your best friends. All you do care about is how you feel when you talk about them. Abby, we poured our hearts and souls out to you, and you couldn’t do the same in return. We’ve all had things happen to us that we regret and hate to talk about, but we still told you about it because we trusted you. You told us that you didn’t really have a past, but you can’t really say that or prove that now. You’ve broken a lot of trust today, Abbs. You lied to us out of selfishness. You could use so much against us and we’d be helpless. I mean, look at what you’ve done to Taylor. She’s your best friend. You guys are supposed to tell each other everything, Abby. What happened? Why would you do this to us after all we’ve done for you?”

“I’m so sorry, Garrett. I really am, and that’s what I’m here for. To apologize to all of you. I’ve caused so much pain and heartache in such a short amount of time, and I’m so sorry for that. I can emphasize just how much I care about all of you, and how much I wish I wouldn’t have done the things to you guys that I did. I understand that it’s going to take a while for all of us to rehabilitate from this, but we don’t have that much time. We have jobs to pursue, and even though I know that no one’s in the mood for this right now, but I’m agreeing to go on tour with these guys.” My brother, Brian, Jimmy, Zack, and Johnny all smiled and laid their eyes on my band. I knew that I had their approval. All I needed was my band’s. They all glanced at each other. All of the boys agreed. Now it was just up to Tay. Jordan sighed and walked over to her, where she sat on the edge of the sidewalk. He gripped her shoulder and knelt down beside her.

“Come on, babe. This is what you wanted for us and for you. We should do this. We understand what you’re going through, but you and Abby can talk it out after we’re through planning all of this tour shit. Okay?” She looked up at Garrett with her tear-stained face and then back down at the ground. Minutes passed as she thought over this and debated it in her mind. Everyone stared at me as I continued to watch Tay and Jordan intently. She finally sighed and looked back up at Jordan with a smile.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Let’s do it.” Jordan smiled brightly at her and threw his arms around her in a tight hug: just what she needed. Everyone cheered and clapped while I sat silently. Val wrapped her arm around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder.

“It’ll be okay, babe. We’ll fix all of this.” I sighed and nodded. But what if it’s unfixable?