If I Was Wrong, Then I'm Sorry

Alex knocked on the door to the huge house, not expecting much out of the night. He’d gotten a last-second call to babysit from the service he worked for. There was a family emergency and the kids’ dad had to leave and needed a babysitter. He’d added that he would have already left, so it was urgent and he needed somebody who could deal with not having many instructions. They knew just who to send.

At age twenty-seven, Alex was just the smallest bit disappointed with where his life was right now. He’d finally sucked it up and gone back to college and was just a few months away from getting a degree in education. To pay for at least a little of it, he worked as a babysitter on nights and weekends. It was a Friday evening and instead of partying with friends or staying at home with his non-existent significant other and children of his own, he’d be watching a stranger’s overnight and through the weekend.

One of the children opened the door for him. “I don’t see why Dad thinks we need a sitter,” he complained, letting Alex in. “I’m twelve! I can watch Christofer and take care of myself.”

“I hear you, man,” Alex said, rolling his eyes and shutting the door behind him. “I thought the same thing when I was thirteen. I told my parents that I’d be fine by myself, and they decided to give me a chance. They were only gone for two hours.”

“What happened?”

“I managed to set the couch on fire.”

The kid cracked a smile. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. When they got home, the fire department was there giving me the second worst lecture I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.”

He looked impressed. “For a babysitter, you don’t seem too bad…so far. We’ve got cameras all over that my dad can check from his laptop, so try not to set anything on fire.”

The other child ran in, and Alex figured it was time to made introductions. “Well, I’m Alex, and since I’ll be here all weekend I guess I need to know your names.”

The younger said, “I’m Christofer.” He looked like he was about eight years old.

The one Alex had already spoken to said, “I’m Kellin. Our dad dated a guy named Alex once, for a long time.”

So their dad was gay and liked guys named Alex? He might need to get introduced to him. Maybe he could one day get over…

No.

That wasn’t ever going to happen.

He shook his head, clearing the thoughts before they had time to resurface.

“I’m not much of a cook. Wanna just order pizza?”

The boys’ faces lit up. At the same time, they started rattling off orders. Alex couldn’t even keep up. “Pineapple.” “No olives. Those are so gross.” “But I like olives!” “You can’t have pineapple AND olives!” “Yes I can!” “Well I want mushrooms.” “But mushrooms are gross!”

Alex cleared his throat. “Guys, we can order one for each of you,” he mumbled, already calling. He pointed to Kellin first. “What do you want on yours?”

“Pineapples, olives, and peppers.”

“And you?” he asked Christofer.

“Mushrooms and pepperoni.”

Alex decided right then and there that he liked these kids. They had obscure pizza order and were already proving to be pretty well-behaved, besides bickering over toppings.

——

It was while they were eating that he noticed the picture. He almost choked. “Oh my god. Is your dad Jack Barakat?” he asked.

They nodded. “Yeah. Why? Do you know him?” Kellin asked curiously.

Before he had time to come up with an answer, Christofer added, “He’s not our real dad.”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “He adopted us two years ago,” Kellin explained. “We’ve been in foster care our whole lives and he came long and said he wanted to keep us. He took both of us ‘cause he didn’t want to split up brothers.”

So Jack had adopted two sons, just like he’d wanted.

——

They were playing video games together. Alex was losing and he wasn’t even letting them win. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was after ten.

“Want to hear a,” Alex paused, trying to think of an appropriate adjective. He settled for… “Funny story before bed?”

“Sure,” they responded in unison.

“I’m in love with your dad.”

“WHAT?!” Did they rehearse talking together or did it just come naturally?

Alex nodded somberly. “And there was a time, not too long ago, when he was in love with me too.”

“Nuh-uh,” Christofer argued. “Daddy said he’s only ever been in love once. With his ex-boyfriend…”

“Alex,” Kellin finished for his brother, catching on first. “You’re Alex Gaskarth? The one from all the old pictures?” He tried to contain his excitement as he put that piece of the puzzle in place.

“The one and only,” he said, smiling sadly. “He still has all our pictures?”

“Yeah. There’s boxes and boxes of them in the basement. I’ll show you tomorrow! But what happened? Why’d you break up?”

Alex sighed. “Do you two want to hear our story, start to finish?”

“Yes!” they exclaimed.

“It’s a long story,” he warned. “I’ll have to spread it over the whole weekend.” He took a deep breath. This was gonna take a while. “We met in third grade. I was the new kid with a funny haircut and a weird accent and he was nice to me. We were wearing the same shirt and were best friends immediately. It turned out we both were in the after-school program, so we ended up seeing a lot of each other.”

To his surprise, they were hanging on his every word, staring intently at him, the video game forgotten.

“I realized I had a crush on him in fourth grade. I’d never really had a crush before, but I always thought that boys got crushes on girls, not other boys. We were at his house watching a movie and I just got this sudden thought: Jack was really cute. I didn’t know why I thought that, but it was true. He had this goofy grin on his face and he was telling me a story and talking with his hands a lot and it was just so freakin’ cute.”

He thought about that day on his couch. They’d been watching Edward Scissorhands and eating popcorn with cinnamon on it. Jack was telling him the story of when he was four and got his parents kicked out of a church. It was probably one of the funniest stories Alex had ever heard. It still was.

“I figured it was nothing. Just a passing thought, you know. But I kept thinking it. I got this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I was around Jack.” He could feel his cheeks warming even now as he told the story. It had been eighteen years since then and he still blushed when he thought about it. “I missed him like crazy when he wasn’t around. And then I started wondering what it would be like to kiss him.”

Christofer chuckled. Kellin elbowed his side. “Shh!”

“I know. It’s pretty silly, isn’t it? I mean, I was nine. I wasn’t supposed to think about kissing people, especially not a boy and especially especially not my best friend. But I did.”

“You’re so red!” Christofer blurted, laughing at him.

Alex chose to ignore that. “I didn’t act on that crazy wish until we were twelve. Actually, I wasn’t even the one to act on it, which wasn’t really fair, now that I think about it.” He’d had the crush longer. Shouldn’t he have been the one to kiss first? “I asked him if he’d ever kissed someone and he said no. I said I hadn’t either and then asked if he wanted to try. He told me there was someone he wanted to kiss but didn’t know if they’d be okay with it. I asked him who and he leaned in and kissed me.” That was one of the greatest days of his life by far. His first kiss, a memory he would forever hold on a pedestal. It was sweet and innocent and just a few points shy of perfect. “Have you ever kissed anyone?” he asked, before he remembered he was talking to boys age twelve and eight.

Christofer giggled madly while Kellin turned redder than Alex. He flashed Kellin a knowing smile and said, “Well, it’s half past eleven now. I’ll cut the story here for now and tell you more at breakfast. Christofer, time for bed. Kellin, stay in here for a sec.”

Christofer sighed dramatically. “’Night, Kell,” he said, giving his brother a hug. Kellin hugged back, which Alex found adorable. He still wanted to hug his little brother, even in front of the cool babysitter.

“Who have you kissed, Kellin?” he questioned teasingly after he was sure the younger brother was out of earshot.

He was obviously debating whether he should tell him. After all, they’d only just met a few hours ago. But Alex had divulged the details of his first kiss with him. “This girl from school, Elizabeth. But I dunno if she really likes me.”

“Aww, why not?”

Kellin liked that Alex showed a genuine interest in his life. It was almost like having his dad home. But he would never tell his dad about this. It would be too weird. “Well, we kissed during spin the bottle at my friend’s birthday party. We were already friends, but she hasn’t talked to me much since then. And I actually really like her, too, so I just wanna know what happened. ‘Cause she’d told her friend Beth who told someone else who told—well, you know how middle school is.”

Alex nodded understandingly. “She went through a chain of people until you finally heard from your friend that she likes you?”

“Yeah!” he confirmed. “But now, like, she doesn’t text me anymore.”

“Well…have you tried texting her?” He was expecting him to say yes and then he’d have to come up with some decent advice.

“No. I thought girls were supposed to text guys first.”

“Not always. She’s probably just scared you don’t like her and that it was just a stupid game and didn’t mean anything to you. Text her tomorrow and see what happens.”

“You really think that’s it?”

He nodded again. “I do.”

Kellin grinned, standing up. “You know, for a gay guy, you sure know a lot about girls.”

——

Over breakfast, Christofer asked, “So what happened next?”

Alex blushed again as he launched back into the tale. “Jack said, ‘That was weird’ at the same time as I said, ‘That was amazing.’ Talk about awkward.” He shuddered. “So I asked if he meant weird-good or weird-bad and he said it was just weird and he didn’t know what kind of weird it was. Since we were best friends, he didn’t make fun of me for saying it was amazing. It was something that after that day, we didn’t talk about.”

Both of the boys across the table from him pouted. “That sucks,” Kellin muttered. “He said it was weird so you just went with it?”

He shrugged. “At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to make it uncomfortable and I sure didn’t want to risk losing our friendship.”

“I don’t care. It’s still not fair that since he said it was weird, you had to ignore your feelings,” he said adamantly.

“Any input, Christofer? Was it fair or unfair?” Alex couldn’t deny that he was enjoying this. He got the chance to tell his story to an interested audience. It was just a bonus that the audience happened to be Jack’s kids.

“You can call me Chris,” he told him. “Everyone else does. But I dunno. I think it was kinda fair. Daddy didn’t know you had a crush on him.” The words felt foreign on his tongue and yet strangely right at the same time.

“Well, the fairness depends on the next part of the story,” Kellin countered.

“I’ll tell the next part later,” Alex decided. “So what’s your dad been up to lately?” he asked casually.

Chris started clearing the table and Kellin gave Alex an overview. “He finished law school and now he works for some huge law firm. Apparently he’s really good at his job, because he works a lot and got promoted to a new position after like a month working there.”

Jack had managed to stick with his dream from start to finish, unlike Alex, who’d had to take a break for a few years before he could find it in himself to go back to school. “Is he, uh…is he seeing anyone?” He hung his head in embarrassment for even asking, and because he was terrified of the answer.

“No. He hasn’t dated anyone since he adopted us. He said he hasn’t been into anyone since you,” he added as an afterthought.

That brought a smile to Alex’s face. “You said you were gonna show me those old pictures, right?”

——

The three of them were in the basement. Alex and Christofer were sitting on a couch while Kellin got out the boxes and started getting out the photo albums. “What happened next, Alex?” Chris asked.

“We just ignored the subject. We never brought up that kiss. My little crush on him turned into a lot more. By freshman year, I discovered that I was in love with him. I know, I know. I was a fourteen year old guy. We don’t know what love is, right? But I just knew that Jack was the one for me. Sure, I was fourteen and stupid, but there’s some things that will just click in your mind and you know it’s right, even if you’re too young to fully comprehend what it means.”

“Wait,” Kellin said, flipping through an album. “I’ve never seen these pictures. Who’s she?” He sat between his brother and Alex on the couch and pointed to a pretty—a term Alex used very grudgingly—girl next to Jack in a picture.

“Oh, yes. Her. She was a girl your dad dated on and off through ninth and tenth grade. She cheated on him and he’d take her back and I had to constantly counsel him on what to do about her.”

Kellin gasped. “That’s not right! How could he do that to you?”

“In his defense, he didn’t really know what he was doing to me. But then one night the summer between tenth and eleventh grade, they broke up for good. Before I tell you the rest, I’m going to give you the necessary disclaimer: I don’t encourage underage drinking, so don’t take this story as an excuse to go out and get drunk because it doesn’t always turn out like this.”

Christofer agreed seriously but Kellin rolled his eyes. “Okay. This is gonna be interesting, isn’t it?”

“You could say that,” Alex agreed. “She broke up with him right at the start of that summer, and he came over as soon as it happened. My parents were out and he said he just wanted to drink. He wasn’t all torn up about it or anything, which, yeah, I’ll admit that made me happier than it should’ve. He seemed totally okay with their break-up.”

“’Cause he didn’t love her,” Chris decided.

“So we got wasted and then Jack got all…serious. We were just chilling on my kitchen floor—what?” he asked, noticing the funny look Kellin was giving him.

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s just…is that normal for high school? Getting drunk on your best friend’s kitchen floor?”

“It shouldn’t be. Don’t do it, and if you do, don’t do it often. Anyways, so we’re sitting there and he looks at me and goes, ‘Alex, I think I’m in love.’”

“No!” both shouted.

“Oh, yes. It gets better. I said, ‘Bro, she broke up with you. It’s over, you’re sixteen, you don’t love her.’ So then he said, ‘Not with her. With someone else.’” And suddenly, Alex was sixteen again and giddy with the excitement of what had happened and he was so, so glad to have somebody to tell it to. “I asked him who, and he leaned in so close I could smell whiskey and said, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’”

“So what did you do?” Kellin asked, eyes wide.

He closed his eyes for a moment and he swore he could see the two of them laughing and drinking and getting closer and closer and he could once again feel that desperate want to kiss him, even though he knew it was a bad idea. “I did the only sensible thing. I pushed him away and told him no he wasn’t, he was just drunk and lonely.”

Chris and Kellin groaned. “Why?”

“I was scared that it was true. So he backed off a little and we both ended up passing out in the kitchen. When I woke up, I had probably the worst headache ever—seriously guys, don’t drink too much—and Jack was sitting next to me with a glass of water and some Tylenol. He said, ‘Two things: one, I know you get awful hangovers, so take these.”

“What was two?” Chris yelped.

“Calm down, I’m getting there. I asked that as soon as I was sitting—by which I mean propped up against the wall—and he said, ‘And two, I meant what I said last night. And look, I’m not drunk anymore, and you’re here so I’m not lonely.’ Then he kissed me and this time when we were done, he said, ‘That was amazing.’”

“Yes!” they crowed, thrilled that the story was making real progress.

“Now, let’s look at some of these pictures. I’ll tell you the next part before bed.”

They spent the afternoon sitting together, looking at old photos and eating huge bowls of ice cream and laughing to the point of tears. The photographs brought back a tidal wave of nostalgia, but Alex found it so easy not to get down when he was around Jack’s kids.

There were all kinds of pictures. Jack and Alex at the beach. Jack and Alex in a tree. Alex hanging upside down from the tree. Alex face down on the ground in front of the tree. Jack and Alex in stupid Halloween costumes. At the park. At the zoo. In the car. Piggyback rides. It was clear the couple was fond of taking pictures of themselves together. (Who exactly they got to take some of them was unclear.) There were a few, like the one of them in the hot tub, that should’ve been destroyed, or never taken, for that matter.

And then they came across a picture that Alex didn’t even know existed.

It was of him. He was shirtless and passed out on a pool table with an empty beer bottle in one hand and Jack’s initials on his face. There were a few dollar bills next to him.

He tried to quickly discard the photo but Kellin stopped him. “No. You have to explain that one.”

“I wish I could, but I barely remember the night it happened,” Alex admitted. “We got really drunk one night and I got it in my head that I’d make a good stripper. God, your dad would kill me for telling you these stories, wouldn’t he? I started stripping but I got dizzy so I drank a little more and laid down on the pool table because it was closer than the couch. I woke up in the same spot. I don’t know why he initialed my face.”

They were dying laughing and Alex couldn’t help but join them. He didn’t recall all the details of that night, but the fact that that picture existed at all was a reminder that before the heartbreak, there were a lot of fun and hilarious nights shared between him and Jack.

——

After a dinner of leftover pizza, they settled in the living room for the next part of Alex’s story.

“We started dating right after that. We went to prom together our junior and senior year. Our parents were all supportive of us. I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that the kids at school were fine with it, though. Most of them accepted it or didn’t care, but there were a few jerks that tormented us. There was one day where they beat the shit—sorry—out of your dad and he had a concussion. But we managed. We tried not to let them get to us because we loved each other enough that their narrow-minded opinions didn’t matter.” He realized he sounded a bit corny, but he didn’t care.

“We went to the same college and were roommates and everything was so far beyond perfect. We got an apartment together our junior year of college and it just got even better. But then…well, I’ll save the rest for tomorrow. The biggest chunk of the story.”

——

“I can’t believe it’s already your last day here,” Chris whined.

“I know. I’m gonna miss you guys. Tell your dad I’m the best sitter and maybe I’ll get to come back some time.” Because Jack didn’t know who the sitter was. He’d sent in a request to the agency and they’d sent him. Maybe one day in the future, as he sat drinking alone in his apartment, he’d convince himself that Jack had specifically requested him. But that wasn’t true and it never would be.

“So tell us the rest of the story,” Kellin prodded.

“Senior year of college, one of my relatives died. I was really close to him and it just…it got to me more than I thought it would. I got so depressed all of a sudden and I couldn’t keep up with school. I dropped out of college. I was gonna be a teacher but I wasn’t able to find the motivation to get up in the morning, much less go to class. Jack was there for me and I somehow made it through the year.”

They didn’t look as excited as they had during the earlier parts of the story, and Alex understood. At the beginning, there was the anticipation of when they’d get together because they didn’t know how their story began. But they knew that it ended and that it was drawing closer and closer to that moment.

“He got into law school and I got a job. Everything was great. No, I wasn’t a teacher and I didn’t know if I’d ever reach that dream, but I had the love of my life with me and that was enough. I’m gonna tell you a secret. I’ve never told anyone this.” He reached to the chain around his neck, tugging it out from under his shirt to reveal what was dangling from it.

A ring.

“I was going to ask him to marry me.”

——

“Aaaaaaaaaalex! Tell us, tell us, tell us!” Christofer chanted. He’d been holding the rest of the tale over their heads since he’d shown them the ring. The curiosity was killing them.

“Okay. It’s not pretty and I probably shouldn’t tell you this…”

“Alex, you were going to propose to him. What happened?”

“I fucked up big time.” He saw that they were staring at him with wide eyes. “Sorry for the language, but I can’t sugarcoat this one. I really did fuck up, more than I ever have and ever will again.” He tried not to tear up. “It was a week before our eighth anniversary. That’s when I was going to propose. I got stressed out about something and went to a bar and ended up drinking more than I should.”

They were looking at him expectantly. “Remember how I said that not all of the get-wasted experiences end up being phenomenal? This is one of those times. I ran into an old friend from one of my freshman classes at college and we drank some more and then I made a huge mistake and didn’t go home.”

“Did you sleep with the old friend?” Kellin asked, looking horrified.

“No…I went with him to a strip club.” Alex covered his face and peeked at them from between his fingers. They didn’t look mad…yet. His voice was a little muffled by his hands, but he wasn’t ready to fully face them. Not till the rest of this piece was said. “I made out with one of the strippers in an alley. She—yes, it was a girl—didn’t realize I was gay and she freaked when I pulled away and said I had to get home to my boyfriend. I think she thought I was kidding.”

And it was just going to get worse. “I went home smelling like a strip club. That would’ve been bad enough. But I had glitter on my face and my lips and Jack somehow just knew that I’d cheated.” He brought his hands down, surreptitiously wiping his eyes. “He told me to get out, that I had to leave. He was crying and packing my things for me while I was on the floor begging him to let me stay. I was crying too, so hard I don’t think he could understand what I was saying. He wouldn’t listen to me. Said I’d betrayed his trust and that he hated me and all this other stuff. He threw my bags outside and told me he wanted me gone when he woke back up. So I left. I put a post-it note on the fridge saying what hotel I was going to and that I loved him. I haven’t seen him since.”

Both boys simultaneously stood up and wrapped their arms around Alex. “Alright, it’s time…it’s time for bed. Hopefully I’ll see you again soon.” He gave each of them a tight hug and they left the room. When they were gone, he lost it, because that’s when it hit him:

They could have been his kids.

He could have hugged them goodnight every night.

If he hadn’t fucked up, he and Jack would still be together. They would’ve adopted Kellin and Christofer as a couple and they’d be a family of four. The lawyer, the teacher, and their two adorable kids.

It would have been perfect.

But Alex didn’t get perfect.

He didn’t deserve perfect.

On a whim, he poked his head in Chris’s room, just to check on him. He smiled through his tears when he saw him sleeping. He turned and started back down the hall and ran right into Jack.

Oh god.

“We need to talk,” Jack said in a low voice before popping into Christofer’s room.

Alex made his way back to the living room and sat on the couch, awkwardly fiddling with his necklace until Jack returned, laptop in hand.

“Alex, I’ve got a few things to say,” he started, not making eye contact. “I think Kell subtly informed you that I have cameras in this house. I spent the flight home seeing what went on while I was gone. Firstly, you let my kids eat pizza and ice cream for every meal. Secondly, you went through my pictures in the basement. While they may have gotten them out, you didn’t have to look. That’s a complete violation of my privacy. Thirdly, I can’t believe you would just show up like this after three years.”

“I didn’t know whose house I was going to,” he protested. “They sent me here and it was a good pay and I need the work.”

“And lastly, could you please tell me why the hell you thought it would be appropriate to tell my children our story? I hope to god you didn’t tell them the end because if you did, I swear I’ll—”

Alex cut him off. “Wait, you haven’t watched the end?”

“I didn’t have time to watch today’s installment of Stories Alex Shouldn’t Have Told His Ex-Boyfriend’s Children, sorry.”

“Watch it,” Alex insisted. “I’ll be outside.”

He walked out the front door as Jack was opening his laptop.

——

“Alex?”

He turned from where he was sitting on the porch to see Jack standing in the doorway, eyes filled with tears. “Alex…was that true? You were going to ask me to marry you?”

All he could do was nod. Jack sat next to him. “You know, when I woke up alone that morning, I saw that you’d taken me seriously. I was mad and hurt, but I didn’t want you to leave. I regretted what I said. I went to the hotel that you said you were staying at but they told me you’d already left. I just assumed you were done with me. After everything I said, I wouldn’t have blamed you. That was my biggest mistake. I wish I could take it back.”

“Me too, Jack. I didn’t mean to do it, honestly. I left so soon because I had to get away. You said you didn’t want me anymore and I couldn’t bear the thought of running into you one day with someone else, so I had to go to a new city and start over.” He gave a sad laugh. “And look, we somehow ended up in the same city anyway.”

“Maybe it’s fate,” Jack mused.

“I thought you didn’t believe in that…”

“Think about it, Lex,” he said, throwing in the nickname without even thinking about it. It was still a habit somewhere in the back of his mind. “We were together for eight years. You were going to propose and I would’ve said yes. But then, yeah, you kind of fucked up, but I did too. I threw away the greatest thing I’d ever called mine over one mistake. What kind of person does that?” He forced back more tears. “I’ve hated myself every day for making you leave. It’s killed me thinking that I might never see you again. I tried to find you and I couldn’t. There weren’t records of you. It was like you didn’t exist and that made it so much worse. I never thought to check my own city.”

“How do I know one of us won’t mess it up?”

“We don’t know that. We’ll probably make a lot of mistakes but that’s what comes with being with someone. There’s always that risk. But since we were sixteen and I finally realized I was in love with you, there hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t thought about you. I’ve missed you so much and I’ve never stopped loving you and if there’s even a chance in hell that you’d take me back—”

Alex grabbed Jack by the face and kissed him. It wasn’t just a kiss. It said a lot without Alex speaking at all. It said, I’m sorry for what happened. It said, I forgive you. It said, I’ve missed you too. It said, it’s been way too long since I’ve kissed you.

But most of all, it said I love you.

When they finally broke apart, both grinned and said, “That was amazing.”