And Now I'm Sleeping Alone

I deserved it really. I had let him do it to me; I had probably wanted it. I felt kind of guilty, honestly, for making Alex feel like shit. But every time I was around him, my fingers shook so badly I could barely play my guitar.

Even though, rightfully, he should have been mad at me, he wasn’t. I almost wished he would just flip and tell me something real, but we made do with smiles and small talk. I did the same, not daring to be around anyone for too long, afraid that I might say something that could get Alex in trouble.

Alex and I had a special bond, though. He didn’t tell about what we did behind closed door, so I wouldn’t either. Besides, what was the point of bothering someone with my useless problems when they weren’t really problems at all?

But Alex kept smiling, and I did too, but I’m sure if you had asked anyone on the bvus, they would have known that something was wrong. Our onstage presence was off, and while Alex remained outgoing, I had become far more introverted.

The fourth night since Alex had - I don’t know, there’s not a word for not-exactly-rape, now is there? Four nights later, let’s say, I asked Zack to hang back when the guys went out. I hadn’t gone with them to bars in a while - we had been really busy with tour dates for a while, and then for a couple weeks Alex and I would always stay in.

Zack and I fell back into our old routine far too easily, finding an old movie and lying on opposite sides of the tiny bus sofa. “Zack?”

“Mmm?” Zack looked up from the television screen. I hesitated, wondering if this was really worth sharing. Zack was a good listener, and he looked at me, pleasant and mildly interested.

“So, I know this is like a really minor thing. Zack, a few nights ago, I kind of figured out that my relationship with Alex is pretty fucked up.” I exhaled heavily. Fuck, this was difficult. “He won’t tell anyone we’re dating, which I kind of get, but, I don’t know...”

“It’s okay,” Zack mumbled, “I mean, he’ll tell people when he’s ready. You know,”

“Alex raped me.” For a moment, I was as shocked as Zack was. “Shit, I don’t know why I said that, I’m sorry. Christ, I don’t know what I was thinking. Alex’s never raped me obviously. I mean, we’re just a different sort of couple. I’m sorry.”

Zack nervously put his hand to his face. “Are you sure, Jack? Things like that don’t just come from nowhere.” He stared at me intently and I matched his gaze, just as determined to not let myself get Alex in trouble.

“No, s’my fault anyways. New relationship, you know?” I rolled my eyes, already becoming an expert at brushing things off.

“If you say so,” And I nodded, a natural half smile on my face.