And Now I'm Sleeping Alone

Tears pricked behind my eyes all night, burning and stinging as Zack and I watched movie after movie. The same familiar Alex-induced anxiety took over again, a security blanket that has never fully left me. My mind turned itself over and up again, and a few scenarios pushed themselves to the forefront; Alex could be passed out drunk on the ground, unlikely because the rest of the band and crew was with him. More likely, he was dancing, slow and dirty, with the collections of sluts I knew he was perfectly capable of getting. Hell, I was practically one of them;. I might as well have put on booty shorts and high heels for the amount of special treatment I got from him.

Zack had fallen asleep hours before everyone got back to the bus, but I had stayed awake, the lump in my throat almost preventing me from drinking the five cans of cheap beer that now sat empty in front of me. I was half-finished with the sixth by the time people started stumbling back, wasted and incoherent. Slurred voice shouted at close range about how great of a night it had been. Alex’s voice, pleasantly between high and low, cut through the din easily.

I sat on the couch, stretching my legs now that Zack had finally gone to his bunk. I only got to be like that for a moment though, because Alex’s fingers clasped around my wrist and dragged me to his bunk, the room in which at least three other people were sleeping. We crawled onto the thin, creaky mattress and he put his lips close to my ear, scratchy 5 o’clock shadow against my cheek. “Blow me, gay boy. Come on now, Jack, you know you want to.”

I considered telling him no, I didn’t want to, I wanted to lie there for a bit, cuddling and tracing the skin around his skull tattoo, but the trick was that I really did. Alex was magical, anything he said could make me go crazy, and if what he said was that I wanted to blow him, I suddenly did. It didn’t hurt either that Danny and Grieco were also in the room, lying in their bunks but probably not quite asleep, and that was kind of a turn-on.

So I did, messily because I’d had quite a bit to drink already, and his lack of response in volume was shown by the movements of his hips, bucking and swivelling up and down against the mattress. To his credit, the only sound he made was a gasp as I hollowed my cheeks. Drunk, horny Alex came quickly, and I was eager to leave. It didn’t matter that it had been a perfectly fine thing to have done, I felt dirty.

All I could think about that night in my bunk was why, and just how Alex could make me do anything he wanted me to without my consent. I like to think that maybe, that night, Alex was thinking of me as he laid in his bed too. He’s always fallen asleep fast though. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been somewhere in neverland before my head hit the pillow.