Status: this fic is completed! i'm writing the epilogue right now. "we still live in the same town, well don't we?" ♥
And Now I'm Sleeping Alone
Thirteen.
Three and a half months I waited. Faggot, slut, whore, gay boy, skank. Three and a half months of snide insults, and I started to dread waking up in the morning. Skank, slut, faggot, whore. Every time we had sex, I ended up hurt, and woke in the morning sore and bleary eyed. Slut, whore, faggot. He was nonchalant around everyone else, who maybe noticed, but couldn’t help. Whore, faggot. I couldn’t help myself either. Faggot.
“Alex, stop.” My voice hadn’t been this strong in months, and despite my trembling hands, my voice remained steady. His hands kept slipping, touching skin that made me sick to my stomach. I pushed him away, standing up out of his bunk, forever grateful that Grieco had left the room moments ago. “I said stop.”
Sometimes, you can’t just forgive someone because it’s hard not to. “Get back in here.” Alex’s voice, low, growly.
“No, Alex.” My skin went cold and I struggled to breathe. “No.” We locked eyes, and I’m sure mine were full of fear. The way Alex was looking at me said that I had only a few moments to get back into the bunk with him. And I nearly did.
There’s a difference between loving someone, and loving how they treat you, and I know now that you can have one without the other. “What, do you think you can just reject me, after all I’ve done for you?”
“What the fuck have you done for me, Alex? Kept whatever this is a secret from fucking everyone? Lied to everyone, even convinced your own goddamned self that you’re straight? Well here’s some breaking fucking news. You’re not straight if you’re in a relationship with a guy. Everyone knows, Alex.” I heaved, angry now, and traitorous tears stung at my eyes.
Alex had raped me all those months ago. Every time since, too. I hadn’t done anything wrong. The only times it had been true were the first. “Take that back.” Alex stood, his dark eyes now level with mine. He grabbed fistfulls of my shirt, twisting them. “Take that back, fucking whore.”
My heart was pounding beneath Alex’s fist, and if I could punch as hard as my heart beat I would have been out of there a long time ago. “No, everything I said was fucking true.” I pushed him away, leaving us both stumbling. “I don’t know what we’re calling this, whatever it was, but it’s done. I’m out. I never want to see you again.”
And that was a lie, I did want to see him, but not this Alex. I wanted Alex that I watched movies with, the Alex I had had a crush on forever. “What about the band, Jack? You didn’t go to college, what are you going to do with your worthless life?”
“Go home.” I hated the thought of leaving the band, but I hated Alex more. “See my parents for a while.” I was crying now, little stinging tears that I didn’t bother wiping away.
“Who’s going to love you now, skank? Who’s going to care about you like I did? Who is your faggot ass going to love?”
My breath came in short gasps. “Nobody, but that’s okay, Lex.” My shoulders were wracked with quiet sobs.
“Nobody will ever believe you Jack. Nobody cares.” Alex was whispering, his lips close to mine. I put both my hands on his chest and pushed him so hard he fell to the bed, hitting his head on the top bunk.
“I care, Alex, I fucking care. You make me want to fucking die.” I choked awkwardly on my words, but what else was new. We started at each other for what could have been a full minute. I turned and left.
What else was I supposed to do? I just sort of... left. I didn’t know how to leave a band, I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to for a few days. I think Alex would have kept performing, found another crap guitarist and replaced me, had Zack not reacted so violently. He had cried - it’s funny to see a buff guy cry - and hugged me tight, for a long time. He cried harder when I told him about Alex and why I had to leave. Rian was stoic. I didn’t tell any of the crew personally, I asked Rian to do it for me. I announced that All Time Low’s last show was to be that night. The backlash from our fans was worse than Alex, and I immediately regretted it. Where there used to be a band, there were just three boys from Maryland, and me.
“Alex, stop.” My voice hadn’t been this strong in months, and despite my trembling hands, my voice remained steady. His hands kept slipping, touching skin that made me sick to my stomach. I pushed him away, standing up out of his bunk, forever grateful that Grieco had left the room moments ago. “I said stop.”
Sometimes, you can’t just forgive someone because it’s hard not to. “Get back in here.” Alex’s voice, low, growly.
“No, Alex.” My skin went cold and I struggled to breathe. “No.” We locked eyes, and I’m sure mine were full of fear. The way Alex was looking at me said that I had only a few moments to get back into the bunk with him. And I nearly did.
There’s a difference between loving someone, and loving how they treat you, and I know now that you can have one without the other. “What, do you think you can just reject me, after all I’ve done for you?”
“What the fuck have you done for me, Alex? Kept whatever this is a secret from fucking everyone? Lied to everyone, even convinced your own goddamned self that you’re straight? Well here’s some breaking fucking news. You’re not straight if you’re in a relationship with a guy. Everyone knows, Alex.” I heaved, angry now, and traitorous tears stung at my eyes.
Alex had raped me all those months ago. Every time since, too. I hadn’t done anything wrong. The only times it had been true were the first. “Take that back.” Alex stood, his dark eyes now level with mine. He grabbed fistfulls of my shirt, twisting them. “Take that back, fucking whore.”
My heart was pounding beneath Alex’s fist, and if I could punch as hard as my heart beat I would have been out of there a long time ago. “No, everything I said was fucking true.” I pushed him away, leaving us both stumbling. “I don’t know what we’re calling this, whatever it was, but it’s done. I’m out. I never want to see you again.”
And that was a lie, I did want to see him, but not this Alex. I wanted Alex that I watched movies with, the Alex I had had a crush on forever. “What about the band, Jack? You didn’t go to college, what are you going to do with your worthless life?”
“Go home.” I hated the thought of leaving the band, but I hated Alex more. “See my parents for a while.” I was crying now, little stinging tears that I didn’t bother wiping away.
“Who’s going to love you now, skank? Who’s going to care about you like I did? Who is your faggot ass going to love?”
My breath came in short gasps. “Nobody, but that’s okay, Lex.” My shoulders were wracked with quiet sobs.
“Nobody will ever believe you Jack. Nobody cares.” Alex was whispering, his lips close to mine. I put both my hands on his chest and pushed him so hard he fell to the bed, hitting his head on the top bunk.
“I care, Alex, I fucking care. You make me want to fucking die.” I choked awkwardly on my words, but what else was new. We started at each other for what could have been a full minute. I turned and left.
What else was I supposed to do? I just sort of... left. I didn’t know how to leave a band, I didn’t even tell anyone I was going to for a few days. I think Alex would have kept performing, found another crap guitarist and replaced me, had Zack not reacted so violently. He had cried - it’s funny to see a buff guy cry - and hugged me tight, for a long time. He cried harder when I told him about Alex and why I had to leave. Rian was stoic. I didn’t tell any of the crew personally, I asked Rian to do it for me. I announced that All Time Low’s last show was to be that night. The backlash from our fans was worse than Alex, and I immediately regretted it. Where there used to be a band, there were just three boys from Maryland, and me.
♠ ♠ ♠
okay, it's done. i'll be writing an epilogue in the near future, but it's going to take a bit because i do need time to write it long enough.this is the first chaptered fic i've ever written, and i started it way back in september. i wrote the first four chapters, and then just sort of left it alone for a long time, but when i came back to it, i started to publish chapters. i simply adore every single person who has read and commented on this story, because it's something that i worked hard on and it's like my baby. so if you've been reading since i first posted this story, or maybe you just read every single chapter in one day and it's been sixteen years since this was published, thank you. please leave a comment and tell me what you thought, and all that jazz.
as always, my tumblr is here and feedback can go here. i probably wouldn't have ever updated this story if it wasn't for all of the people reading it, so thank you. ♥
epilogue: we still live in the same town, well don't we?, coming soon.