And Now I'm Sleeping Alone

I had gone to sleep happy that night, a smile etched onto my face like a carving in stone. What was there to worry about? He had slept with me, he liked me. That’s all there was to it.

When I woke up, I went straight to the kitchenette area, like usual. “Hey guys, what’s...” My voice trailed off. Alex, Rian and Zack were sitting at the table, solemn and grim, except for Alex, who just looked kind of pissed off.

“I don’t know what you think happened last night, but it meant exactly fuck all nothing.” Alex stood, shoving his chair so hard it nearly fell to the floor, and left the room. I stood there, jaw slack, as Alex brushed past me. The three of us stood silently until we heard the door slam.

“I don’t know what I did wrong,” I whimpered, slumping into the newly vacated chair at their table. “He wasn’t drunk last night, or anything, I just, we were in his room, and it was his idea, I don’t know, I swear I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know, he sort of told us, a little,” Rian muttered. “But he said you forced him.” There was a long pause. “He pretty much said you raped him.”

“What?” I yelped. “I did not.” I started breathing faster. “You know I didn’t, right?”

“I don’t think he wants to admit it. Um, he didn’t sound like he was being raped.” Zack cleared his throat. “I mean, I think he’s too embarrassed to say that he wasn’t.”

I cringed. Last night, I obviously hadn’t been thinking about Alex being gay or coming out or really anything, actually. “Did he say why he broke up with Brittany?” My heart was thumping against the walls of my chest.

“No, not really. He just mentioned that he did. I’m sorry, bro.” Rian looked down. “Hey, do you want me to call Cass? I mean, she helped Brendon and Ryan get together.” I considered it for a moment.

“No, I want to work this out on my own, you know?” I got up. The only way I could think of fixing this was talking to Alex, and that’s exactly what I went to his room with the intention of doing. When he opened the door, he pulled the door open and threw me up against the door, pressing my shoulders against the wood and kissing me hurriedly. His hands ran across my chest, tugging at the hem of my shirt. I wanted to keep kissing him, God, did I want to, but I pushed him away. “Alex,”

“Jack,” he panted, attaching our lips desperately once more.

“No, Lex, I’m... we’re not doing this if you won’t even say you’re not straight. You said I raped you, for god’s sake. Everyone knows what we did, Alex, Zack heard us. Rian and Zack are happy for me, they’d be happy for you too.” I was pretty sure that this was how it felt to die, with Alex’s hands holding me to the door and his eyes piercing mine, judging me.

“I’m not gay, Jack. and I don’t think you realize that. What we’re doing, that’s not anything romantic. I’m just getting off, and I honestly thought that you were doing the same thing, I’m sorry. I mean, sex is sex, right?” But Alex’s hands were still pinning me to the dor, and his lips achingly close to mine.

“Right,” I whispered, and he let my arms drop to wrap around his waist, our hips pressed together as my brain became a happy Alex sex haze.

We kissed for a while, my head still resting against the door with one of Alex’ hands on my hip while his lips melded with mine. Our smooth, slow kisses shortly became rough and ragged, each of us grinding slow and dirty against the others’ thigh. Alex bit my lip softly, and his hands were on my shoulders, pushing me to my knees. I took the only control that I would all day, changing our position so that he was against the door.

The carpet was digging into my knees, even though the denim of my jeans. I fumbled with his belt, trying to unbuckle it and take it off without also breaking it, and finally got the top button of his probably-too-tight skinny jeans. I pulled them down to his knees, also removing the boxers he had probably slept in.

I brought my lips close to his head, ghosting my breath over his cock in a way that made him shiver. I steadied his hips, running my thumbs over his hipbones as I flicked my tongue out to tease the tip of his dick. His fingers found their way to the back of my head, pulling not-so-gently on segments of my hair.

I shaped my lips into an ‘o’, swirling my tongue flat against his head, pushing back against the pressure of his hands on my head. I let the muscles in my throat go slack and gave into Alex’s wishes, tongue always pressed to the vein that ran along the bottom of his cock.

I heard quiet, stifled whimpers and moans coming from above me. Every little moan turned me on. I sucked in my cheeks, still sliding my tongue as I let his cock touch the back of my throat. I gripped his hips harder to keep his from completely fucking my mouth. I swallowed against his tip and he came, weak knees finally giving out as he slid to the floor.

I fidgeted uncomfortably, waiting just a moment before starting to deal with my own issue. I was significantly more adept with undoing my own buttons. I slowly tightened my grip around my own cock, lazily jerking off to the sight of my not-quite boyfriend laid out and sweaty. His eyes rolled open and his hand wrapped around mine, a sweet gesture from someone who was really not much more than a fuck-buddy. I came quickly and we wiped both our hands on my pajama shirt.

Alex looked up at me with puppy-dog eyes, and I nodded. I got dressed as fast as I could, and walked to the bathroom, eager to wash the sweat and grime from my skin. I should have been happy, I loved Alex and could have him pretty much whenever I liked. But when I left, I couldn’t help but relive the look in his eyes. Guilt, and shame, and that’s really when I knew that’s why he wouldn’t tell anyone, ever.

The hot water bounced off my skin as I thought about Alex, trying to imagine how it would feel to be so ashamed of who you loved that you couldn’t even admit it to yourself. Every thought ended with another flashing memory of Alex looking at me with pleading, please-don’t-tell eyes, as a few tears started to form in mine.