And Now I'm Sleeping Alone

Alex was never a good actor. He tried to pretend like what we were doing wasn’t even happening. But what we now lacked in intimacy in public, we more than made up for in stolen kisses behind venues and secret moments in his bedroom. My heart ached every time I looked at him, cliche as it may sound, and even though everyone from Zack to Colussy knew, they were courteously silent about the issue. If Alex and I were left alone, we would either go to opposite sides of the room or get very, very close.

I might not have been the best at confrontation, either. Since the first time had ended with me on my knees. I wasn’t anxious to do it again. Or, to phrase it properly, I didn’t see the need to do the confrontational sex thing when spare moments always ended with my hand down his pants and his tongue in my mouth.

There was nothing I wanted more than for Alex to just fucking come out already. Straight guys do not engage in sexual activities with other guys for three weeks “just to get off”. They do not moan like a porno with another guy’s lips wrapped around their dick. They do not press the palm of their hand to the stubble on another guy’s cheek while they kiss, hastily behind a stage door. They do not grasp another guy’s hips as they hold him to a bed, sweaty chests pressed close together after an extra hard show. And they most certainly do not yell out on stage, “Jack sucked my dick last night, if I get distracted while I play then I’m thinkin’ of that.”

“You wish, bro, that was my dad with you in the back lounge!” I shot back, and we played on without a second thought. But I was somewhere else, remembering my hands on his thighs as his head relaxed against the pillow, whimpers quieted as much as possible because everyone was in the other room and knew just what we were doing. Alex had begun enjoying the kisses that came just after blowjobs, tasting like sex and a dirty reminder that, at the end of the day, we were fucking and he liked it.

Our set finished quickly, even with encores. As much as I might have liked to drag Alex to his bedroom and lay him out on the bed, body shaking as we locked eyes, I didn’t. I walked outside the venue and was met almost immediately with screaming, desperate fans. One boy caught my eye, and I pulled him by his wrist thought the small crowd. I took pictures with a few girls, always looking to see that the boy hadn’t left.

When I finished, I approached the boy again. “D’you want to see our bus?” I whispered. He nodded, slightly dazed. As soon as we were inside and in my room, which Zack wouldn’t return to for at least an hour, I kissed him, hard and long. I pushed him to the bed, and sitting above him I noticed how very attractive he was. Dark brown eyes with dark, curly lashes. Ashy, shaggy hair cut so it flopped into his face. A pink flush colored his cheeks as I kissed him again, relishing in the dominance I never got with Alex.

My hands strayed easily to his belt buckle, fining his jeans much looser and easier to slip off than Alex’s. I parted our lips by barely a millimeter, brushing together as I asked “Have you done this before?” He nodded, his breath hot on my lips, and I continued, remembering the feeling of Alex’s lips on mine as I kissed the boy below me. It occurred to me that I didn’t know anything about him; Alex and I had grown up together. I knew everything about Alex, his past, his thoughts, every plane of his body. As my hand slid under a tight waistband and I wrapped him fingers around the other boy’s cock, I remembered the first time we’d gotten together meaninglessly before a show, messily jerking eachother off while opening acts played. Moans filled my bedroom and my hand was covered in white, lips still touching because we’d never really stopped. I cleaned my hand without thought on the bunched underwear at the boy’s feet.

Painful thoughts of Alex filled my gut while the boy cleaned himself up, mussing the back of his hair before extending a hand. “Name’s Alec. I’m nineteen, don’t worry. Uh, thanks,” he mumbled something else under his breath, and I watched as he walked out of the bus. I locked the door behind him and sat in my bed, the top blankets still warm with body heat. Everyone got back on the bus about half an hour later, and Alex came into my room to talk to me.

“You got some, didn’t you, Jack? Nice job, bro!” Alex was smiling, happy. He was happy that I had found someone else to fuck, even though we were - well, whatever we were, he shouldn’t have been happy that I was with someone else.

“I mean, sort of, like, we kissed and I got him off, but that’s it.” I might have seen a flash of jealousy in his eyes, but I think it was just wishful thinking.

“Hey, people are going out tonight, d’you want to go?” Alex asked, shifting towards the door. I shook my head and watched the slight swing of his hips. The door to the bus slammed shut just moments after mine did.