Stomach Tied in Knots.

Kellin POV.

I hate hospitals.
I
hate
hospitals.

But I have to go to one, for mum, they said she’s in intensive care. They didn’t say what happened but I need to go and see her. So much is running through my head. Why would Vic kiss Whitney back? Why would he lead me on if he didn’t like me? Was he just using me to make Whitney jealous? What if they’re all still at the party now and all laughing about me? I don’t think any of them actually care.

For fuck sake Kellin, you’re so stupid, thinking someone would actually CARE about you? Ha, you fucking joke. Nobody will ever care about you, you’re fucking worthless, and ugly, and did you really think Vic was gay, hm? Did you really think he wanted you? Aw, bless. Little deluded Kellin. They all hate you, you know. All of them. They’re all pretending to like you and be your friend. Nobody liked you in your old school, why would anyone like you here?
And it begins.
Depression relapse.
I feel so empty.
I’m not even checking my phone, I put it on silent.
Hospitals scare me...
They’re the last place I want to be.
Because?
Well, when you try and kill yourself, you take the pills, or cut down your bloodstream, and you black out, and you don’t want to wake up, you think it’s the end, you’re happy. Then you wake up to white walls, an uncomfortable bed and bright lights. It’s not what you want to see. I hate them for that one reason.
Nobody knows I tried to kill myself.
...
Only my mum.
...
*Three hours later.*
My mum looked a state; I can’t even describe how she looked in detail. I wasn’t allowed to stay overnight, they said she was too vulnerable. Apparently she was on her way to the store in her car and a lorry smacked into the back. They were surprised that she had even survived but they said she should be okay. It’s about four in the morning; I’m in the taxi now. I’m going back to the hospital tomorrow, to check up on her. I have no-where to go tonight though...
Kill yourself
To be honest, that doesn’t sound too bad.
Imagine the sweet bliss, nothingness, no Kellin, hm? How does that sound?
That sounds good.
Then do it. Do you still have that spare blade in your wallet?
Yeah, but wouldn’t pills be easier? Surely I could find a store that’s open?
Nope. You need pain, lots of it, so cut your way out of this life. Think about it, you’re essentially watching the life trickle out of your body...
Yeah. Okay. I’ll go to the canal near the school.
Good, nobody will miss you, you know that, Kellin?
Yeah I know.
I grabbed my phone, and my headphones from my pocket, 64 missed calls. I didn’t check them, went straight to music and pressed shuffle.
Paralyzed... by the envy of the night...
I am lost without you here.
And outside it looks like rain,
Say goodbye for the last time.
For the last time I'll bleed myself dry tonight.
We are all alone.
And nothing I could ever write would help you understand this life.
There's so much beauty when scarlet eyes lay lost in all the city lights.
The wax will drip as so as blood,
Romance is dead and all is lust.
You are the water in my lungs, we've lost it...

And nothing I could ever write would help you understand this life.
There's so much beauty when scarlet eyes lay lost in all the city lights.
The wax will drip as so as blood,
Romance is dead and all is lust.
You are the water in my lungs, we've lost it now!

“I’ll bleed myself dry tonight.”
I stepped out the taxi and gave the guy the money, and walked. I reached the canal and sat down, hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on, making and breaking trusts, I just can’t.
I grabbed my blade from my wallet and pressed it to my wrist. Took a deep breath,
And
I looked up.
At the stars.
God, they’re beautiful.
I breathed out.
Slowly.
And laid on my back.
It’s a clear night.
The stars look...
Amazing.
What a scene to die on.
Stargazing couldn’t hurt, for a few minutes, I guess.
And that’s what I’ll do.
But only for now...
Because then?
Bye world.
Bye Kellin...
Listen..