Why I love you
Not forgiven
Frank’s POV
I stood outside the door, a small bouquet of lilies in my hand. They seemed stupid now I’d brought them. Just small inexpensive ones from the shop downstairs. I felt ashamed to say that I had bought them as an afterthought, Gerard deserved better. I didn’t even know who would be in the room, maybe they had moved him when he had woken up, moved him to another ward? I had been texting Mikey something frantic, to apologize and to ask about Gee… I had felt horrible about Mikey but … But I hated to say that all the business with Mikey seemed small in comparison to Gee. Gerard was my priority. At least I was his. I wondered if Mikey had told Gee about that night. I wouldn’t blame him if he had, he deserved to know what kind of person I really was. He deserved to know how I could hurt people too. Like he had hurt me that time he had slapped me. But hitting me was insignificant compared to how I have hurt Mikey. Mikey who was fragile from his brother, who had needed a shoulder to cry on. Sure he had started it off but I hadn’t stopped him, even after I knew that I didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t fair, wasn’t just at all. Well, life wasn’t fair. Gerard had proved that. And in there was a person who needed me, someone who maybe still believed in me. Yet I couldn’t open the door, couldn’t bring myself to face him.
Suddenly the door opened to reveal the doctor who I had been so rude to the other day. His face went from surprised to nervous when he noticed who it was. He stepped out the way to let me past but I caught his sleeve with my hand before he could walk away. He jumped a little but turned to face me, eyes not quite meeting mine.
“I’m … sorry for the way I acted the other day,” I spoke quietly, my turn to look nervous, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for Gerard.”
He looked surprised again but smiled and made eye contact for the first time with me.
“It’s alright. You were just upset! You obviously care about him very much.”
I blushed a little, making his cheeks darken too. I turned to go.
“He’s going to be okay, you know.”
I faced him to give him one last smile before turning back to Gee’s room. He sat up in his hospital bed facing the open window. His black hair rippled a little against his face from the small draft that came from the window. He had a little smile on his face, maybe from something he had seen outside or maybe just because he could feel a little piece of freedom. Gee probably couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital bed and see our friends again. I realized I had been staring at him when he turned, jumping a little when he found me stood at the door.
“Oh!”
I bit my lips, afraid he would think me an idiot for staring at him.
“So-sorry… I just wanted to see if you were okay.”
His smile widened and he gestured for me to come sit on his bed with him. I nodded at this, walking towards him, my head slightly down to avoid his eyes. I felt so guilty I hadn’t been to see him sooner but wasn’t sure how to face him. He could know about all the stuff with Mikey and could want to punch my face in right now. God knows, I deserved it! But his smile was even bigger when I looked back at his face, his teeth showing. I was glad to looked so happy. He didn’t even seem to mind that I was seeing his smile. He used to bite it back but now that he was actually smiling, everyone could see how beautiful he was. The way that I had usually known he was. I was staring again and looked down ashamed at my hands which were still clutching the sad slightly wilting flowers.
“Oh. I brought you these. They’re not much but I guess-“
“They’re beautiful!”
He looked genuinely happy when he said it and it broke my heart that such a simple thing could make him smile that way.
“Not nearly as beautiful as you are!”
I blushed, it was such a stupid thing to say. Unbelievably cheesy. I wanted to hit myself so badly! But when I looked back up at him, the cheesy grin he once wore had become a frown. Oh no, I had made him sad again. That’s all I could ever do.
“Frankie, you have to tell me something now, okay?”
I nodded, anything to make him smile again.
“Are you still with Mikey?”
I paused not sure how to answer. I opened my mouth but closed it quickly, knowing there was no easy answer to that question.
“Frankie!”
His voice was slightly hard as he said it and he yanked up my face with his hand, forcing me to look at him, into his kind and innocent eyes.
“I don’t think so…”
The answer seemed to satisfy him but only for a moment. I felt his hand loosen before tightening again as I tried to bob my head down. I looked into his eyes again, pools of beauty and realized that not even Mikey’s eyes could compare to how Gerard’s made me feel inside.
“Why not?”
His face tried to look hard but I could see genuine concern for his brother there. He was trusting me to tell him, he needed me to tell him why. I breathed out sharply.
“I can’t tell you, Gee. I’m sorry…”
He looked disappointed but tried to mask it by burying his nose into my flowers. A few minutes passed in silence, neither of us sure what to say. Gerard’s eyes drifted past me to the door, probably thinking about asking me to leave, but I spoke up wanting Gerard more then, then I ever had. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, his innocent face looking towards mine. Even after what I had done to Mikey, some small part of me believed we could still be together; a little piece of hope still left. He could still love me.
“But all that matters is that we’re not together now. Me and Mikey are over and … And I love you. I love you, Gerard. More than I could ever love Mikey. More than I have loved anyone. I wish I could erase everything that happened in the last few months. Gerard, just tell me you feel that same!”
It spilled out of me. I sighed happier. That had come out better than I had hoped it could have done. I waited for a reply and looked into his face trying to read the expression there. It was pure sadness. I realized that Gee was still looking at the door, where he had looked before I had spoken. I turned to see what he was looking at and my heart dropped to the floor, tears immediately springing to my eyes. I had done it again.
Mikey stood at the door, his face hardened but that didn’t change the fact that tears were falling from his eyes. Gerard now just looked confused at the both of us, only really knowing half the story. Mikey ran from the door and for a second I forgot about Gee and ran after him. Needing to explain. Explain what? That I didn’t mean it. That I loved him and didn’t love Gee? Lies slipping off my already black tongue. My soul was as black as my tongue, a soul too black for even Gerard to love. My hope was gone forever.
I stood outside the door, a small bouquet of lilies in my hand. They seemed stupid now I’d brought them. Just small inexpensive ones from the shop downstairs. I felt ashamed to say that I had bought them as an afterthought, Gerard deserved better. I didn’t even know who would be in the room, maybe they had moved him when he had woken up, moved him to another ward? I had been texting Mikey something frantic, to apologize and to ask about Gee… I had felt horrible about Mikey but … But I hated to say that all the business with Mikey seemed small in comparison to Gee. Gerard was my priority. At least I was his. I wondered if Mikey had told Gee about that night. I wouldn’t blame him if he had, he deserved to know what kind of person I really was. He deserved to know how I could hurt people too. Like he had hurt me that time he had slapped me. But hitting me was insignificant compared to how I have hurt Mikey. Mikey who was fragile from his brother, who had needed a shoulder to cry on. Sure he had started it off but I hadn’t stopped him, even after I knew that I didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t fair, wasn’t just at all. Well, life wasn’t fair. Gerard had proved that. And in there was a person who needed me, someone who maybe still believed in me. Yet I couldn’t open the door, couldn’t bring myself to face him.
Suddenly the door opened to reveal the doctor who I had been so rude to the other day. His face went from surprised to nervous when he noticed who it was. He stepped out the way to let me past but I caught his sleeve with my hand before he could walk away. He jumped a little but turned to face me, eyes not quite meeting mine.
“I’m … sorry for the way I acted the other day,” I spoke quietly, my turn to look nervous, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for Gerard.”
He looked surprised again but smiled and made eye contact for the first time with me.
“It’s alright. You were just upset! You obviously care about him very much.”
I blushed a little, making his cheeks darken too. I turned to go.
“He’s going to be okay, you know.”
I faced him to give him one last smile before turning back to Gee’s room. He sat up in his hospital bed facing the open window. His black hair rippled a little against his face from the small draft that came from the window. He had a little smile on his face, maybe from something he had seen outside or maybe just because he could feel a little piece of freedom. Gee probably couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital bed and see our friends again. I realized I had been staring at him when he turned, jumping a little when he found me stood at the door.
“Oh!”
I bit my lips, afraid he would think me an idiot for staring at him.
“So-sorry… I just wanted to see if you were okay.”
His smile widened and he gestured for me to come sit on his bed with him. I nodded at this, walking towards him, my head slightly down to avoid his eyes. I felt so guilty I hadn’t been to see him sooner but wasn’t sure how to face him. He could know about all the stuff with Mikey and could want to punch my face in right now. God knows, I deserved it! But his smile was even bigger when I looked back at his face, his teeth showing. I was glad to looked so happy. He didn’t even seem to mind that I was seeing his smile. He used to bite it back but now that he was actually smiling, everyone could see how beautiful he was. The way that I had usually known he was. I was staring again and looked down ashamed at my hands which were still clutching the sad slightly wilting flowers.
“Oh. I brought you these. They’re not much but I guess-“
“They’re beautiful!”
He looked genuinely happy when he said it and it broke my heart that such a simple thing could make him smile that way.
“Not nearly as beautiful as you are!”
I blushed, it was such a stupid thing to say. Unbelievably cheesy. I wanted to hit myself so badly! But when I looked back up at him, the cheesy grin he once wore had become a frown. Oh no, I had made him sad again. That’s all I could ever do.
“Frankie, you have to tell me something now, okay?”
I nodded, anything to make him smile again.
“Are you still with Mikey?”
I paused not sure how to answer. I opened my mouth but closed it quickly, knowing there was no easy answer to that question.
“Frankie!”
His voice was slightly hard as he said it and he yanked up my face with his hand, forcing me to look at him, into his kind and innocent eyes.
“I don’t think so…”
The answer seemed to satisfy him but only for a moment. I felt his hand loosen before tightening again as I tried to bob my head down. I looked into his eyes again, pools of beauty and realized that not even Mikey’s eyes could compare to how Gerard’s made me feel inside.
“Why not?”
His face tried to look hard but I could see genuine concern for his brother there. He was trusting me to tell him, he needed me to tell him why. I breathed out sharply.
“I can’t tell you, Gee. I’m sorry…”
He looked disappointed but tried to mask it by burying his nose into my flowers. A few minutes passed in silence, neither of us sure what to say. Gerard’s eyes drifted past me to the door, probably thinking about asking me to leave, but I spoke up wanting Gerard more then, then I ever had. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, his innocent face looking towards mine. Even after what I had done to Mikey, some small part of me believed we could still be together; a little piece of hope still left. He could still love me.
“But all that matters is that we’re not together now. Me and Mikey are over and … And I love you. I love you, Gerard. More than I could ever love Mikey. More than I have loved anyone. I wish I could erase everything that happened in the last few months. Gerard, just tell me you feel that same!”
It spilled out of me. I sighed happier. That had come out better than I had hoped it could have done. I waited for a reply and looked into his face trying to read the expression there. It was pure sadness. I realized that Gee was still looking at the door, where he had looked before I had spoken. I turned to see what he was looking at and my heart dropped to the floor, tears immediately springing to my eyes. I had done it again.
Mikey stood at the door, his face hardened but that didn’t change the fact that tears were falling from his eyes. Gerard now just looked confused at the both of us, only really knowing half the story. Mikey ran from the door and for a second I forgot about Gee and ran after him. Needing to explain. Explain what? That I didn’t mean it. That I loved him and didn’t love Gee? Lies slipping off my already black tongue. My soul was as black as my tongue, a soul too black for even Gerard to love. My hope was gone forever.