Passive

I ignored Rebecca all through Maths, despite her horrible voice hot in my ear with questions and apologises for all that had happened that morning. I had left the medical room halfway through Maths, having already missed Music but that was alright, although I had had to apologise to the Maths teacher and walk to his desk in front of the whole class to hand him my nurse’s note. All eyes were on my face and even the teacher looked a little taken aback. Rebecca just gave me a smile as I sat down but I didn’t give her one back. The nurse had been quite determined to send me home but the idea of half a day at home with Mother seemed like a death sentence. The nurse had promised me that she would keep my ‘problems’ between us, yet I wasn’t an idiot, I knew how the school system worked. By the afternoon all the teachers would know, that evening they would bring the subject up at their dinner tables and then the next day the teacher’s children would have great gossip for all of their friends. Soon I would surely be the problem kid, not that Rebecca would care, she had already twigged something was wrong; other than the obvious marks that scarred my face.
I now scanned the room, looking for any of the girls that had attacked me that morning and saw one empty seat, that I was sure belonged to a blond popular girl whose face I could only half remember. Though I certainly hadn’t given the nurse any names when she had asked, just silently shaking my head. She had said nothing, me having probably given her the answer she had expected. I was certain my life could get a whole lot worse if I was to tell on the girls; though I didn’t know their names, their faces would be easy to remember if I were to see them. My eyes looked across the rest of the room and slowed as I spotted the bent head of dirty blond hair near the front of the room. I could only see her hair but knew it was her. I wished I could see more of her, get her attention somehow but she was bent over her desk, seemingly hard at work. Though she was clever, I couldn’t exactly imagine her studiously working away. I imagine her as an artist, maybe she could make beautiful works of art flow from the ends of her pencil, effortlessly drawing masterpieces between her lessons. Art didn’t seem so pointless when I thought of her doing it. Maybe she was a writer, I could see that too. Or a musician, a singer …
I let myself forget about my work and stare happily at her head, imagining the wonderful thoughts she had and the beauty of her mind compared to one as simple and boring as mine. I hoped she would still talk to me and my fainting earlier hadn’t scared her away. I hoped that she would still walk home with me later, maybe she would try and talk to me in lessons, or at break or lunch. I loved that idea, though Rebecca wouldn’t be so happy. Her disapproving face when Wednesday had entered the lunch hall on her first day said it all. Though I didn’t care about what she thought. Wednesday was beautiful.
The bell went and I immediately looked down at my book, my cheeks darkening as I realised I had done hardly any work. Rebecca glanced at my empty page too but didn’t comment, simply taking mine and her books to the pile at the front of the room. I watched as Wednesday stood up and walked in front of Rebecca with her book clutched in her hands. I couldn’t see from this far off what colour her nails were today but could clearly see she was wearing her denim shorts and her black top once again. It was the outfit she had been wearing when I first saw her and decided it was my favourite. Though Wednesday looked good in anything, I loved the way her black top made the white of her skin stand out more against the soft fabric. The shorts hugged her legs and as she turned back to her desk, I quickly dropped my eyes to her back pockets, watching the muscles move underneath them. I knew I was staring but a magnetic force seemed to draw my eyes there. I had never felt this way and didn’t think I ever would again. She was perfect.
The teacher dismissed us and we left hurriedly, the class quickly filing out for break. I waited for Rebecca and was about to turn away with her, to sit on the usual wall we would sit on when a hand touched my shoulder lightly. My breath caught in my throat as I spotted Wednesday, her flawless face in a smile and her eyes wide. I looked down at my feet, thinking of the horrible scratches which covered my face but kept looking up again, not able to keep my eyes off of her.
“What do you want?” Rebecca’s face was stony as she glared at Wednesday and I wanted so badly to hit her in that moment, that I had to physically hold one arm back with the other.
“Um … I actually wanted to talk to Isabella,” I realised she had never spoken my name before, I had always hated my name but the way she said it made me shiver, it rolled so nicely off her small pink tongue.
“Well she doesn’t want to talk to you!” Rebecca’s hand tried to pull me away but I shoved her off, leaving her looking wounded back at me. But if Wednesday wanted to talk to me then there was no possible way I could not.
“Rebecca, I’ll just be a minute,” I tried to keep my voice level as I felt the deep indigo pools watching me, drawing me into them.
Rebecca sighed loudly at me, her eyes wide as she looked from me to Wednesday but she moved out of the door towards our usual meeting place. I felt bad for leaving her alone but I needed to talk to Wednesday. The need was so strong that it really was almost magnetic, I liked her so much, it was impossible to keep my eyes off her. She smiled kindly at me before moving forwards a few steps until when she spoke I could feel her breath on my face. The warmth made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I had to stop myself from moving any closer to her. For one crazy moment , I thought she was going to kiss me.
“So … How are you?” She whispered, her eyes drifting to the deep cut on my neck.
I moved my hand to cover where her eyes rested but only made myself wince.
“Don’t!” Her hand brushed my hand from my neck, lightly touching my shoulder as she did so and making me shiver.
My hand remained in the air, unsure about what to do. Her hand stayed slightly above my shoulder and our eyes connected. I thought of moving my hand to meet hers but before I could do anything, Wednesday’s hand was on mine. Her nails were red today and I watched as our hands entwined, enjoying the feeling of her skin on mine. I looked open mouthed at our hands and realised how right they looked together, how perfect. Her eyes were on me and my heart thumped loudly in my chest as her other hand reached up and stroked my face. Her fingers delicately traced the scratches. It hurt and I couldn’t bring myself to make a sound, afraid of this ever ending.
“We match,” she whispered, breaking the silence.
I frowned, confused until she held out her red nails for me to see before lightly stroking my deep red cut. I smiled at her, noticing when she smiled back that she looked sad. I would have done anything to make her laugh in that moment but I was still so nervous, even though she was caressing my face and holding my hand, I didn’t know what to say to her. How could this be wrong and a bad thing when it felt so right?
The bell sounded, making us spring apart. I gasped and looked at Wednesday, whose eyes had widened a little. We both gave a nervous laugh and she pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. Students started to fill the corridors and the quiet was broken by the shouts of the other children. Wednesday said something, her painted lips moving so that her tongue danced inside her mouth, just as a group of older boys started a shoving contest a few feet away from us, their voices drowning out her words.
“Pardon?” I shouted back at her, gesturing to my ear to show her I didn’t hear.
She rolled her eyes in her usual way, making my heart leap a little as she gave a real smile this time. Her hand found mine and pulled me away from the boys, down the corridor. The warmth from our grasp filled me up and I tried desperately to concentrate on moving forwards instead of thinking about what was happening; I’m quite sure she wouldn’t appreciate having to drag me along. A few eyes were on us as we walked one behind the other with our hands still entwined. I tried not to care but couldn’t help my cheeks turning a pink colour. But there was no way I was going to pull away first and her tight grip told me she was enjoying my touch as much as I was hers. I still wasn’t completely sure where we were going, and to be honest didn’t care. It wasn’t until we were stood outside our science classroom that she let go of my hand, with some difficulty I will say, as I really didn’t want to let go. When I realised what she was trying to do, I quickly dropped my hand and hung my head, a little embarrassed but she grinned at me.
“It’s not that I don’t want to hold your hand!” Her voice laughed at me but the tone made me smile a little; I couldn’t help it, if she was happy then so was I.
“Then what is it?” I felt stupid for asking but I really did want to know that it was nothing I had done. Did she not want to be seen with me? As much as it hurt, I wouldn’t blame her if she said it, I wasn’t exactly the most popular of girls.
“It’s just … I thought you…” She seemed stuck at what to say and pondered a minute, staring at me as she did so. As much as I loved looking at her, a moment ago when we had been looking into each other’s eyes, I would have given anything to be back in that moment, but now she seemed to be hypocritical looking at me as if trying to spot some flaw (I had many so it shouldn’t have taken long), it was making me unconformable.
“I guess, I wasn’t sure if you were sure about any of this. What I’m trying to say, is that you don’t seem like someone who’s gay!” Any other person might have looked at the floor or maybe showed signs of discomfort but Wednesday looked deep into my eyes, as if trying to find the answer for herself. I wanted to look away from her but her eyes were filled with so many emotions that I just wanted to stare into them forever, discovering each new feeling and trying to trace it right to its source.
I reached my hand for hers and held it fast, stroking her fingers individually from the palms of her hands right to the tips of each perfectly coloured nail. She tried to bite back a smile as I did so and ended up giggling. I giggled too, so unsure by what I was doing but just enjoying touching her in this small way. I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought I had known this was wrong, that this was bad but now she was with me, stood close enough to touch, those thoughts were far away. Wednesday squeezed my hand before letting it go and walking into lesson. I watched her walk away, not feeling quite so guilty as my eyes fall down to her shorts. She turned and blushed a little, as did I, when she spotted where my gaze fell.
“Come on, pervert!” Her voice was laughing and even though I knew she was joking, I still quickly averted my eyes and followed her inside.
The teacher had already started talking and he gave us a dirty stare as we took our seats at the front of the room. All the other students looked up at us and I once again remembered the scratches and felt my face turn its usual rouge shade. Wednesday simply gave the teacher a bright smile before sitting down. Rebecca didn’t even look up at us as we entered, staring too hard at the textbook in front of her. I wanted to apologise but it didn’t seem like a big issue, especially with Wednesday’s eyes watching me instead of the teacher throughout most of the lesson. At one point, we had to divide into pairs and after giving Rebecca’s arm a gentle shove and receiving no response, I turned to Wednesday. We were supposed to do an experiment but the teacher had turned away to do some marking and as usual, no one in the class moved to do the work. Rebecca stood up awkwardly, used to me helping her but Wednesday didn’t seem to be in a hurry to move.
“What’s up with your friend?” Wednesday’s eyes watched Rebecca as she moved quietly to a work bench, collecting her equipment. I watched her sadly but she didn’t seem to notice, despite the colour of her face as a group of popular children near the back row began to snigger.
“I’m not sure…” I began but found that Wednesday was impossible to lie too, her eyes big in her face like she knew I was lying.
“Well, I don’t think she likes you. Sorry …” I added awkwardly, biting my lip but she simply shrugged.
“I don’t care. I’m sort of used to it,” she gave me an easy smile.
Her smile remained but she started to bite her lip as her eyes watched Rebecca. I wanted to reach out for her to ease her discomfort but didn’t want to do it in front of the rest of the class. I wanted to tell her that no one liked me much either, but couldn’t find a way to tell her without it sounding too much like I was trying to please her. We didn’t talk a lot but it didn’t matter, I just liked watching her and looking into her beautiful eyes, they were so captivating, they seemed to dance as she moved her head and her hair moved of its own accord, she had to keep moving her hand to twirl the strands round her finger and back behind her ear. I hadn’t realised it before but her left ear held a diamond stud in the upper corner and it twinkled in the light, reminding me of her belly button ring, which was out of sight under the desk. I wanted to reach out and touch it but was aware that there were still a few eyes on Wednesday, not that I could really blame the boys for staring at her; that’s what I couldn’t stop doing. Though I had been confident with Wednesday before, I was glad she had kept her distance that lesson, I didn’t want Rebecca to see. With Wednesday, I was happy but I knew the horrible taunting thoughts were just waiting for her to leave before they could descend on me, filling my mind with doubts.
Everyone seemed to be giving her a wide berth though after that first day of school. I badly wanted to ask her what had happened but didn’t want to spoil anything, the situation seemed so fragile like a single word would break us. Us. It sounded so good to say, if there was an ‘us’ and I hoped that there could be. I really did like her. Even after only 3 days, the idea of not seeing her tomorrow actually hurt me, somewhere deep inside, a pain different to the one on my face and arms, it stung but in a heart wrenching way. When the bell went, I packed away my stuff and followed Wednesday out of the room, letting her hand guide me off somewhere. I wasn’t sure where but it didn’t matter because I would be with her.