Passive

We sat on the field, right at the back in a part I had never been before. I and Rebecca kept to the dining hall even in summer, where we could mostly keep ourselves to ourselves. I had followed Wednesday without thinking of my friend but now I hated myself for walking off and leaving her alone; she had ignored me but that didn’t mean she deserved to be abandoned. I pushed these thoughts away, concentrating on the girl opposite me. We sat under a low branched oak tree, the leaves still miraculously on the branches even though it was nearing February. They acted as a shield between us and the rest of the field, leaving me completely alone with her for the first time. I was nervous, unbelievably nervous that I would say something wrong or bring that sad gleam back to her eyes. I stared at her now, she was picking at a loosening piece of rubber on her trainers and I took the opportunity to study her properly. She was beautiful, her skin still flawless and her make up perfect. Her legs looked longer up close and her shorts hugged her flesh more, revealing the curves of her thighs and bottom. Up close, I could see some flaws which I hadn’t noticed before. Her trainers were a little worn and faded, the red colour chipping off on the soles. Her blazer was unravelling at the cuffs and I now realised that her black top underneath wasn’t actually that short, it was only that her blazer was too big for her. Somehow she had hitched up the sleeves so that her hands were still bare and her nails on show, but these were just little things that I could see up close to her.
And she was close. I sat with my legs crossed while she had hers out stretched to one side. Our legs were centimetres away and as she shifted her position every so often, her pale legs moved closer to the fabric of my long skirt. When we sat so close, it was more obvious how inferior I was to Wednesday. While she was beautiful and unique in the way she dressed and looked, I was clearly labelled ‘nerd’ with my long skirt and loose fitting blouse. My hair hung plainly by my head while hers held some hidden quality which made it bounce in waves, caressing her cheeks and chin. My face was bare, holding no make-up while hers was outlined and perfected so that her eyes stood out in her face, her cheeks a natural rose colour and her lips full and stained a bright pink. I couldn’t draw my gaze away from her lips. They were slightly parted and I could see her tongue behind them. I watched as her tongue slipped over her perfectly straight teeth to her lower lip. She licked her lips, as if she was about to talk but when I looked at her eyes, open mouthed, I saw she was still preoccupied with her trainers.
I moved forwards quietly, not wanting her to notice. She stayed looking down as I moved until we were almost touching. I had such a strong urge in that moment to kiss her, it was unreal. I wanted her so badly but made myself move slowly. I used one hand to part a strand of hair from her head and played with it, feeling the silky touch of it in my hand. Wednesday had frozen but didn’t turn to look at me. I was scared I was doing something wrong or that she wanted to move away from me but didn’t want to stop feeling her hair. I felt down the curve of her head to her neck, where I parted her hair so I could stroke the soft skin there. I wanted to run my lips over the pale skin but stopped myself, instead tracing her jawline. She turned her head turned me as I did so, so that her eyes bored into mine, making me forget everything I had been previously thinking. She stayed still, not moving as I touched her cheek and circled my thumb over it, wanting to remember this feeling forever. She closed her eyes and so did I, letting the feeling fill me up inside.
When I opened my eyes, hers were still closed and I let myself get carried away, moving until I could feel her against me, her chest pressed into my stomach. I wasn’t sure what to feel yet but moved so that I could turn her head up to mine. I kneeled up onto my knees while she remained seated and quickly parted her hair from her face. Her expression showed surprise but I didn’t let this stop me, closing my eyes tight so as I could feel everything. I was breathing more heavily and moved forwards until our lips were centimetres from each other. I felt her breathing become more rapid against my cheek and parted my lips as I closed the last inch between our lips.
I stilled as I felt her pull away and opened my eyes to see her biting her lip and looking uncomfortable. She turned away so I couldn’t see her expression clearly. I pressed my lips together tightly and felt tears well up in my throat. I had thought that was what she wanted. I sank to my knees and pulled myself into a ball so as to protect myself from the heart wrenching pulls my chest was giving me. She still wasn’t looking at me and it was all I could do not to grab my school bag and run away. Run back to Rebecca and my old life. Forget Wednesday. But that was easier said than done. I had really thought she had liked me. Was it something I did? Or did I just read all this wrong? Had I really sacrificed my friendship with Rebecca, had I really let everyone know I was this sick and twisted person inside, just to find out she didn’t like me that way? The students must know, they must be able to see it written on my face, the disgusting side of me that I have always been able to keep hidden, now out in the open for everyone to see. I wasn’t normal and now I had lost everything. Bobby wouldn’t be able to look at me. I could imagine him turning away in disgust, his eyes suddenly harsh and cold like Mother’s were. Mother would reach out her hand to him and together they would walk off, finally sealing the gap between them and me. I was alone.
“Please, don’t!” Wednesday leaned forwards to try and wipe the tears which were now spilling steadily down my face.
I flinched away from her hand, not waiting to feel her touch, never wanting to be ashamed like that again. Her eyes shimmered as she drew her hand away and she ducked her head so as not to look at me. No wonder she couldn’t bear to see the awful sight of me. I tried to wipe away the salty streams that ran from my eyes but couldn’t stop them altogether, only making my lashes thick with tears and my scratches sting with the salt. I sniffed, letting my eyes close, the weight of my sadness too heavy on my eyelids and allowed the feeling of hopelessness to fill me up. A hand grasped the back of my neck in a fierce hold so that I couldn’t pull away while another hand turned up my chin so that I was forced to face her. I kept my eyes closed tightly but the tears still crept out of the corners, revealing my obvious emotions to anyone who wanted to see. But there was only her.
“Look at me.”
Her voice was so quiet and gentle that my heart softened to hear her speak. I sighed deeply before looking into her beautiful eyes. There were no words to express how she made me feel and it only hurt more to know she didn’t feel the same. She pulled my face closer to hers and I tried to pull away but she held me fast, staring so deeply into me, it was as if she was trying to find my soul. My hideous, twisted soul.
“I’ve never …” Wednesday bit her lip in a way that made me want to instantly wrap my arms around her and share her pain.
I nodded my head slightly to tell her to continue and I felt her breath still as a strand of my hair fell into my face, almost as if she … She moved one hand from my chin and carefully brushed my hair away, slowly stroking it behind my ear. I could have pulled away now. She watched me closely but I made no attempt to move, I didn’t dare spoil this moment.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before…” Her voice was quiet and she dropped her hands from me, letting them wrap themselves around her as if shielding her from the cold.
The girl who had always looked so confident and so uncaring about other people’s opinions of her, now suddenly looked so small and sad. I carelessly wiped my face of tears and moved forwards, closer to her. She moved away slightly but I seized her shoulders in my grasp, making her face raise to look at me. Surprised at my sudden confidence but not wanting to stop touching her, I moved my hands down her back and pressed them into her spine. She moved towards me until she was almost sat on my lap, she was so close. I breathed her in and let her hair tickle my face, smiling at her closeness. She smiled too, biting back a grin so that dimples appeared on both her cheeks. Her hands found the back of my neck and caressed it. I tried to focus on what I was about to say but her touch was so soft, I was almost lost for words.
“I…I’ve never kissed anyone either.” I felt my cheeks darken but kept staring at Wednesday, watching as her mouth opened in surprise.
At the sight of her open mouth, my own mouth opened and I found myself yet again moving forwards. I smiled as I thought I felt her do the same, letting the feel of her against me fill me up and create tingles of pleasure down my spine. I breathed in her clean, minty smell and tried to save it, to remember forever. I opened my eyes when yet again my lips found nothing but air. I tilted my head to the side, desperately trying to find her lips or her hair, her face, needing to feel her to know that she felt the same. Her hands never left my neck and I snapped my eyes open in frustration that her lips were nowhere to be seen. She was close so that I could see the nervous look in her eyes and she learnt towards me but instead pressed her forehead against mine. I tried to concentrate hard on her words as she spoke but couldn’t forget about how her tongue moved in her mouth and how it would taste in mine.
“I want to. It’s just…” She looked nervous again and I hated that she could feel this way around me. When I was near her, my head was in such a mess that I didn’t know what to think.
“Can we wait?” She turned her head to one side, in a cute way, making her hair separate from her face so I could clearly see her soft earlobe and her shiny earring.
I wanted to tell her we couldn’t, that I needed her lips on mine. I needed to know that our feelings were the same, needed her tongue to know that she had that same burning desire for me that I had in that moment. She saw me hesitant and a smile crept onto her face, turning her lips upwards so her cheeks created those beautiful dimples again.
“I want to get to know you more first. Is that okay?” I sighed at this but nodded, not wanting to appear too upset by this but knowing it was probably written all over my face. She smiled at me and pulled me close, her face disappearing over my shoulder as she held me in a tight embrace. Her necklaces felt a little uncomfortable against my chest but it was easy to forgot that when I could feel her steady breaths on my ear. I clung to her, letting her hair cover my face, like she was my reason for existing, my reason for living. And in that moment, she could have been.
The bell went but I didn’t move, not wanting to lose this feeling of completeness that I now had. It was like all my life I had had this hole inside me that was now being filled. She moved away from me, taking a small piece of my heart with her. But I could see the action of moving away was causing her as much pain as I felt. She turned away and immediately I felt different, without her eyes on me. Not myself, like I was hiding behind a mask. She pulled her bag onto her shoulder and picked up mine. I looked at her curiously as she spun one red painted finger around in a circle, not understanding. She rolled her eyes like purple marbles as they caught the light and spun me around herself, her fingers delicate on my arms, almost like she knew of the steady throbbing pain the burns were giving me, even now. She placed my bag carefully onto my bag as if I was something fragile that could break and caught me in another hug, this time pulling her arms around my middle. I clasped her hands tightly and she moved closer until I could feel her body up against me even through my bag. It can’t have been comfortable for her but the feeling of her chest on my back made my breath stop, everything was new and different. So beautiful and perfect.
I stilled as I felt her lips touch my neck, feeling the wetness of her tongue of my skin, just for a moment. My eyes widened and I felt a new soar of lust, an unexplored side to my feelings for Wednesday. In the second, in the time I took for my heart to moan at me for not taking the chance to press my lips into hers, she had pulled away. I sighed, the part of me that was now missing felt so far away even as she parted the leaves of the tree to allow me through. The world outside looked so bleak now and as we trudged towards class, I knew that what I felt for Wednesday was more than lust, more than mere unexplored feelings. She touched my hand lightly and I clasped hers in a tight grasp, letting the feeling of her skin fill me up and the touch of her skin make my chest tighten. This is love.