Passive

“Keep your head still!”
I sighed loudly, frustrated at the process taking so long. I wanted to see how the drawing would turn out, knowing that I would love it no matter what it looked like. Though I could tell from the expert way that she tilted her head every now and then and stuck out her pink tongue in concentration, that she was no stranger to the artist’s pencils she clutched between her red nails. The lesson was nearly over and it had been spent in comfortable silence, both of us ignoring the other students as they childishly flicked paint and water into the hair of shrieking girls. The teacher sat at the front, absorbed in her work and seemed unable to hear the rising noise. I looked at Wednesday as her tongue once again emerged from between her lips, licking them slightly. Her eyes scanned my face once again, resting on my eyes which were staring deeply into hers. I mimicked her tongue and she let out an innocent giggle before turning back to her paper. I was sad when the sound was gone, lost in the shouts from the others.
“There,” she moved backwards in her chair to survey her work and gave a little smile, showing her white teeth.
“Can I see?” Her eyes found mine and told me my answer.
I tried to stand up gracefully, aware of her eyes on me but still succeeded in tripping over her chair leg. I blushed darkly and avoided her gaze, knowing she was probably trying to bite back another smile. Her hair blocked the paper and I had to gently touch her shoulder so as to see the picture more clearly. I concentrated on the drawing, trying not to get too overwhelmed by the warmth she was radiating.
It was me. Except not me. Her light pencil stroke had made my jaw too soft, had lengthened out my neck and made my face rounded and full, compared to its usual bony shape. There was no evidence of the scars which currently marked my face, just the white paper to show my smooth, flawless skin. My lips were full and glistened even through the grey pencil lead. My nose was soft and cute while my cheeks were darkly blushing, probably from Wednesday studying me so intensely. My hair was flat on my head but she still managed to give it some of her hair’s beautiful qualities and it held new life that it had never had before. The pencil lead did little to show its boring mousey shade but a mixture of dark and light shades of brown seemed to bleed through the picture, captivating me and making my breath still in my throat; not for the first time that day. My expression was neither happy or embarrassed as I had felt the whole time I was being sketched but showed some hints of sadness. A misunderstood sadness that she had captured so well, it felt like looking in a mirror. I stared longest at the eyes, two hidden jewels on my face. I could feel the warmth coming from my normally plain brown eyes which were now shining full of hidden secrets and filled with the strangest of shades. The light caught them in just the right way so that it looked like I was staring right out of the sketch, looking deep into the eyes of the viewer and stealing some part of them away. I gazed at it, letting my emotions run raw with the love and care that had been taken over the drawing of me. It wasn’t until Wednesday spoke that I realised how long I’d been silent.
“I know it’s not perfect, it’s just we only have the hour. Your nose is a little snubbed and I know that your hair doesn’t actually look like that, it’s just-”
I touched a finger to her lips and she stopped talking immediately. The classroom seemed to go silent and I felt like there was only the two of us left in the entire world. Her eyes were big in her face and for a moment, it was all I could do not to try and kiss her again. Her breath was sharp and I could feel the heat escaping her mouth. My heart pumped fast and I moved my hand away before I could anything stupid.
“It’s beautiful.” The words didn’t explain how I felt but her eyes swelled with pride at my compliment.
“You’re beautiful.”
There was nothing I could say to this, I hated that she had spoilt such a wonderful moment with a lie. I dropped my eyes to the floor and couldn’t bring myself to look back at her, knowing that her face would surely show evidence of the horrible thing she had spoken.
“Hey!” Her hands tried to move my face to look at her but I pulled away, suddenly self-conscious in the art room that I was now aware, was full of people.
Wednesday jumped to her feet, ignoring my quick step backwards and caught my arm in her hands. I hissed at the pain and ripped the burns from her touch. She stood wounded and open mouthed. I wanted to make it better but the memory of the lie rattled in my head and I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I knew she had probably heard my hiss of pain but there was no way I could explain that. Not without her pity or upset, she might believe I self-harmed like the Nurse. I didn’t need her to know how pathetic I was. The bell went and everyone around us scrambled to get their things and move to the next lesson. Wednesday was still and though I couldn’t meet my eyes with hers, I knew she would be watching me. I stepped clumsily towards my desk and carelessly shoved my pencil case into my bag, just needing to get away from her eyes which ripped away at my insides to reveal my rawest emotions and pulled the truth out of me with their intense beauty. I pulled the bag on my back and finally gave in, looking at Wednesday. Her eyes showed deep concern but as I raised my head to look at her, she shifted her gaze and picked up her art supplies. The classroom was silent as we left. The sound of my soft slip on shoes alongside the clunk of her trainers was the only sound as we left the room far behind us.
We walked in uncomfortable silence to RE which was normally my favourite lesson but today when Rebecca hated me and Wednesday couldn’t bare to look at me, I would have rather have had any other lesson. I gave Wednesday a longing look, as if to someway show how sorry I was for flinching away from her before but she just moved to her seat, not taking her eyes off her shoes. It made me sad to see the girl, so usually found with her head held up high and not a care in the world, looking so downcast over something I had done. I felt my chest tighten but knew that there was nothing that could be said. She’d called me beautiful. I don’t care how much she liked me, lying like that was unnecessary. I had accepted the fact that I was plain; I didn’t need her lies to make me feel better. Wednesday’s presence alone could do that.
I moved cautiously to my desk at the front, aware that Rebecca was sat hunched in her usual seat, her hair covering her face from me. Someone else I had caused pain too. I wanted to say something but then Mr Harrison spoke up. For once in my life, I didn’t listen to what he said, not caring about RE, not even caring about Rebecca. I could only think of how hurt Wednesday had looked beforehand, how upset she was. I wanted to talk to her, I needed to explain why I had acted the way I had. I needed her to say that she’d said what she said because she had been swept up in the moment, or not thinking clearly. I didn’t want her to lie to me, not when she was the first person who I had felt this way about. I hated to think I’d just spoiled the best thing that had ever happened to me just because of how I’d acted. She’d been wrong to lie but should I have upset her? Of course not, I was an idiot for even thinking of hurting her. I loved her, I didn’t want to hurt her. I loved her.
“You disgust me!”
The sharp voice made me snap out of my thoughts and I settled my eyes on the hurt face of Rebecca. I could see many conflicting feelings on her face but her features settled on hurt, bringing out shame from me and I bit my lip worriedly. She was my friend and I’d abandoned her. I realised she’d spoken and though I hated to anger her more, wanted to know what she’d said.
“Excuse me?” I tried to hide the irritation that I felt.
She was my friend but did she have a right to make me feel so bad. It’s not like she understood what was going on! Did she?
“You disgust me!” She played with the word disgust in her mouth, letting her face show this emotion as her eyes bored into me. Though the rest of the class were now working, the intensity in her voice made me feel like there was only me here along with Rebecca’s cutting tongue.
I must have looked startled at this because her voice showed a smirk at my expression.
“She’s a girl, Isabella,” I felt rising anger fill me up and my hand itched to wipe the self-satisfied look off her face.
“It’s sick!” She continued, clearly trying to see how far she could push me.
I felt sadness bubble up inside me and needed to control this feeling more than the anger. I couldn’t cry in front of her. She was saying exactly what I had been trying not to think, the small whispers that had been permanently in the back of mind since I had first met Wednesday. I knew how wrong this was, I knew how sick I was. Her words lingered in my mind, causing my brain to throb painfully with all the horrible thoughts which seemed to sting my head like wasps caught in a small space. My face must have started to crumple because Rebecca’s smile seemed to widen as she saw that she was getting through to me.
“It’s wrong!” She eagerly whispered the words to me, her face never changing from its horrible smirk.
I stood up in my fury and caused Rebecca to fall off her chair. She looked up at me shocked but I didn’t care about her anymore, my anger had taken control. I pulled her up by her hair and heard several gasps from the onlookers as I spat straight into her stupid laughing face. Tears had begun to fall down her cheeks but I didn’t care, the damage was done.
“You know nothing!” I screamed into her crying face, enjoying hearing the sounds of her whimpering.
“Isabella!” The shout was loud enough to break through my madness and without fully coming to my senses, I let Rebecca fall to the floor.
Mr Harrison was staring bewildered at the scene in front of him. As far as he was concerned two of his brightest and meekest pupils had just started fighting it out in his lesson, and he honestly didn’t know what to think. Not that Rebecca looked capable of fighting, her hands protectively shielding herself from me. Mr Harrison walked quickly over to her and pulled her to her feet. She was sobbing uncontrollably and despite how I still felt a burning fury as I looked into her face, it hurt to see her cry like that. Even when her Mother beat her, I’d never seen her react like this. I was now aware that all eyes were on me, piercing into me with looks of confusion and utter disgust. Only one face showed a different emotion, sadness. Her eyes glistened with tears and as I went to stare into her eyes, share some of my horrible overwhelming feelings with her, she looked away.
“Wednesday,” I whispered, stepping towards her, needing to be near her.
But she flinched away from me, slinging her bag across her back, her necklaces jangling and leaving me with a hurt expression mixed with the disgust that mirrored nearly everyone’s face in that room, just as the bell went to signal the end of the day. I tried to summon the beautiful blond girl back to me but the door softly shut behind her. The classroom started to clear and I ignored the glares I was receiving from my classmates, still shunned from Wednesday’s departure.
“Georgia, will you take Rebecca to medical please?” Mr Harrison gestured to a girl at the front who nodded solemnly and placed her arm around Rebecca.
I wanted to rip her arm off of my friend and demand she leave her alone but I didn’t think I could call her my friend anymore. Georgia and her friends swooned around Rebecca like mothers around a fallen toddler and they all shot me looks of pure hatred as they cooed over her, gently stroking her arms and head. In the unbearable quiet that followed at their exit, Mr Harrison simply sat on the edge of his desk and massaged his forehead, like he had the weight of the world balanced on his shoulders. The only thing that made me feel any better was the fact that while he was upset, it was really I, in this situation, who was the worst off. I looked into the disappointed face of my favourite teacher and burst into babyish sobs.