Passive
Routine
My head felt numb as if full of cotton wool and my stomach turned suddenly. I opened my eyes and leaned forwards, causing the room to spin even more, stomach acid now rising in my throat.
“In here, quickly!”
A plastic bucket was pushed in front of me and I threw up what felt like the entire contents of my stomach. I couldn’t really tell who was in the room with me but felt a set of long nails claw at the back of my neck so as to save my hair from the stream of sick which was making its way out of my mouth. I lay back down on the bed weakly when I was done and tried to swallow the acid taste that was left in my mouth. My eyes were moist with tears and when a towel was placed in my hand, I wiped them and tried to clean up my chin and mouth as best as I could. The room was dark and curtains now drawn so I suppose it was now night. It took me a second to remember where I was but when I did, I searched the room quickly to figure out who was here with me. The room for a moment seemed empty until I spotted a slim shape in the far corner, watching me. It was the blonde nurse, her brightly dyed hair giving her away. She was trying to smile but even in the dark I could see the scratch marks I had left on her face. Similar to the ones that had been left on mine just a few days before.
“I’m really sor-“ I began before feeling my stomach moan in protest and diving for the bucket once again.
I don’t remember the last time I’d eaten anything but there was nothing left for my body to reject so I just gagged helplessly so that acid swam into my mouth and dripped unattractively down my chin. I was surprised when I felt the hands return to smooth my hair and pat my back but didn’t complain about the help; I was too weak to argue. I once again flopped into the bed and allowed the nurse to wipe my face. She did so very gently and I appreciated it. She put down the towel and my eyes followed her to the other side of the room where she picked up a tray and moved towards the door.
“What’s that?” I asked suspiciously to her retreating form.
She spun around quickly when I spoke but the pathetic quality in her seemed to have gone and she had switched on her professional mode once again.
“Your dinner. But I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting it now?”
I clutched my stomach and clamped my jaw shut at her words, feeling my insides react but seeming to save myself just in time.
“Thought not.” She turned to leave once again.
“Wait!” My voice rang out strangely in the small room and for a second, I wondered if she’d carry on out and leave me to the mercy of the beeping machines, which still surrounded me; reminding me of playground bullies around an innocent child. Obviously I was anything but. The blond nurse turned back to me, eyebrow raised expectantly and I felt my cheeks turn a deep shade under her watchful gaze. My bladder screamed at me and though embarrassing I knew I had to ask.
“Can I go to the lavatory please?” I spoke quietly, ashamed at needing to be cared for but knowing there wasn’t really another option.
Her face softened, her mood swings were really something, and she set the tray down, moving towards me. I nervously watched as she picked up a metal dish and held it out to me. I grasped it, feeling the cold metal object in my hands and looked from her to it.
“It’s a bed pan,” she assured me and helped me turn over on my side, and placed the pan underneath me.
I tried not to think about what was happening and the fact she’d just seen my bottom. It hadn’t occurred to me before now just how naked I was in this hospital gown. I stared determinedly at the far wall as I emptied my bladder, feeling my blush spread across my entire face. The nurse didn’t seem to care for the situation either even though she was probably a lot more used to it than me, and tried to keep a straight face as she removed the pan from under me and held out a roll of toilet paper. Once I’d finished she took both the pan and tray before moving out of the room.
“Wait, sorry but-“
Her eyes looked at me a little put out but the fake smile was back in place, her white teeth small and perfectly straight.
“Will you come back?”
She frowned and looked about to speak.
“I really don’t want to be on my own,” I whispered, trailing my eyes over the hospital sheets and avoiding eye contact.
This seemed to be the right thing to say as when I looked back the nurse was smiling kindly and she nodded.
“I’ve got a few more rooms to visit then I’ll be right back,” her smile seemed more genuine and this time when she walked out, I didn’t feel quite so empty inside, her warmth staying with me.
“In here, quickly!”
A plastic bucket was pushed in front of me and I threw up what felt like the entire contents of my stomach. I couldn’t really tell who was in the room with me but felt a set of long nails claw at the back of my neck so as to save my hair from the stream of sick which was making its way out of my mouth. I lay back down on the bed weakly when I was done and tried to swallow the acid taste that was left in my mouth. My eyes were moist with tears and when a towel was placed in my hand, I wiped them and tried to clean up my chin and mouth as best as I could. The room was dark and curtains now drawn so I suppose it was now night. It took me a second to remember where I was but when I did, I searched the room quickly to figure out who was here with me. The room for a moment seemed empty until I spotted a slim shape in the far corner, watching me. It was the blonde nurse, her brightly dyed hair giving her away. She was trying to smile but even in the dark I could see the scratch marks I had left on her face. Similar to the ones that had been left on mine just a few days before.
“I’m really sor-“ I began before feeling my stomach moan in protest and diving for the bucket once again.
I don’t remember the last time I’d eaten anything but there was nothing left for my body to reject so I just gagged helplessly so that acid swam into my mouth and dripped unattractively down my chin. I was surprised when I felt the hands return to smooth my hair and pat my back but didn’t complain about the help; I was too weak to argue. I once again flopped into the bed and allowed the nurse to wipe my face. She did so very gently and I appreciated it. She put down the towel and my eyes followed her to the other side of the room where she picked up a tray and moved towards the door.
“What’s that?” I asked suspiciously to her retreating form.
She spun around quickly when I spoke but the pathetic quality in her seemed to have gone and she had switched on her professional mode once again.
“Your dinner. But I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting it now?”
I clutched my stomach and clamped my jaw shut at her words, feeling my insides react but seeming to save myself just in time.
“Thought not.” She turned to leave once again.
“Wait!” My voice rang out strangely in the small room and for a second, I wondered if she’d carry on out and leave me to the mercy of the beeping machines, which still surrounded me; reminding me of playground bullies around an innocent child. Obviously I was anything but. The blond nurse turned back to me, eyebrow raised expectantly and I felt my cheeks turn a deep shade under her watchful gaze. My bladder screamed at me and though embarrassing I knew I had to ask.
“Can I go to the lavatory please?” I spoke quietly, ashamed at needing to be cared for but knowing there wasn’t really another option.
Her face softened, her mood swings were really something, and she set the tray down, moving towards me. I nervously watched as she picked up a metal dish and held it out to me. I grasped it, feeling the cold metal object in my hands and looked from her to it.
“It’s a bed pan,” she assured me and helped me turn over on my side, and placed the pan underneath me.
I tried not to think about what was happening and the fact she’d just seen my bottom. It hadn’t occurred to me before now just how naked I was in this hospital gown. I stared determinedly at the far wall as I emptied my bladder, feeling my blush spread across my entire face. The nurse didn’t seem to care for the situation either even though she was probably a lot more used to it than me, and tried to keep a straight face as she removed the pan from under me and held out a roll of toilet paper. Once I’d finished she took both the pan and tray before moving out of the room.
“Wait, sorry but-“
Her eyes looked at me a little put out but the fake smile was back in place, her white teeth small and perfectly straight.
“Will you come back?”
She frowned and looked about to speak.
“I really don’t want to be on my own,” I whispered, trailing my eyes over the hospital sheets and avoiding eye contact.
This seemed to be the right thing to say as when I looked back the nurse was smiling kindly and she nodded.
“I’ve got a few more rooms to visit then I’ll be right back,” her smile seemed more genuine and this time when she walked out, I didn’t feel quite so empty inside, her warmth staying with me.