Passive

“I…“
I searched desperately for the words but none came. I’d come up with a list of questions but as soon as I’d had the chance to ask them, my mouth had turned dry and my brain quickly fogged over. The nurse stayed looking calm at me as I tried to remember my questions but still nothing came.
“What’s your name?” I asked limply, sticking with something that I, at least, could get an answer to.
“I’m not really supposed to…” She began but gave a small sigh and said, “Sally.”
“Sally,” I tested in my mouth and decided it fit her job perfectly and though a little clique perhaps, it suited her. She nodded at the use of her name, as if giving me permission to use it.
“Sally-“ I began again but stopped immediately when I realised there was no follow up question. Once again my head felt like it was full of cotton wool and a fog seemed to spread itself through my thoughts, consuming them all individually until I couldn’t see any remnant of them left at all.
“Why can’t I think straight?” I blinked furiously and screwed up my forehead but might as well not have bothered as still nothing came.
“That’ll be the medication, sweetie,” Sally gestured to the drip which was still connected to my arm and I looked away quickly as my eyes caught on where the needle entered my skin.
“Though I will say that your body hasn’t reacted well to it, to say the least!”
I tried not to think of the lingering taste in my throat.
“Medication for what?” I asked nervously, not daring to let my eyes leave her face for fear she would lie to me.
“Just pain medication,” her smile made me believe that she wasn’t lying and I gave a half smile back to her.
“Though that does mean you’ll start to feel your injuries soon!”
I frowned at her and moved the sheets so that I could see my arms more clearly. They were still wrapped in bandages and I couldn’t feel even a stir of pain. I tested them, flexing the joints but still nothing. I touched my previously tender face but again nothing. My hand travelled to my neck and a hand promptly slapped mine away, and not in the kind way that Wednesday had once done. Sally apologised quickly but kept our hands locked. I gave her a questioning look.
“You had a cut here?” I nodded as I remembered the deep gash that the girl’s manicured nails had left in me.
“When you fell, it split the skin and some of the muscle.” She spoke it matter-of-factly but I still squirmed as I pictured my ripping skin, supressing a shiver. I recalled the moment when I hit the bottom of the stairs and my blood had pooled around my head. I waited for a sudden rush of pain at the memory but there was still nothing. I suppose I’d feel it soon.
“And there’s your leg too,” her hand moved the sheets so I could clearly see my leg for the first time.
It was in a splint and a small stitched red mark in the skin told me where my bone had come through. My whole body felt numb and I knew that if I attempted to move my leg I’d still feel nothing. I used the hand that hadn’t been captured by the nurse to cover up the splint so that I wouldn’t have to see it anymore. None of this felt real yet. I still couldn’t believe I was here.
“Northgate hospital?” I asked limply and received a small nod.
“Yes, on Northgate street?” I shook my head at this.
“Following on from Beaconsfield road?” Again I shook my head, I didn’t know any of these places.
“Salisbury Road? Where the children’s home is?” My mouth opened and suddenly I knew where I was.
I’d never been here obviously but recalled walking past the building on the short walk to church every Sunday. I hadn’t really taken much thought as to what the building was because I’d assumed it would never affect me. I gave Sally a brief nod as I spotted her waiting for a response. She looked seemingly pleased with herself and I let her feel satisfied about helping me in some way. When all she’d done really was bring back all the feelings of guilt about Wednesday. About my feelings. About what would happen if-
“Is my Mother still here?” I knew I had visibly tensed but couldn’t make myself relax, feeling my stance and breathing both change as I reminded myself while I was safe here in my little room, she would surely be back soon.
“Oh, I’m sorry honey. She went home.” I let her make the mistake of thinking I was upset and allowed her to soothingly stroke my hand.
“She’s been here even since you came in on Wednesday evening. She even brought your little brother in yesterday afternoon even when the doctor assured her it wouldn’t be until today that you would be wake up.”
I nodded at this, glad that I wouldn’t have to see her until tomorrow at least. The nurse was continuing to gush happily about how lucky I was to have such a kind and loving Mother but I tuned out, wondering about how Bobby was doing without me. Surely Mother couldn’t have changed so quickly from loving Bobby to beating him as she did me, in a few short days? I prayed Bobby was okay. A thought drifted back to me and I remembered as the blood pooled around me and the world darkened, thinking about how it was all for the best. In that one small dazed moment I had thought about leaving it all behind. That didn’t seem too bad. Not with Wednesday hating me and Mother’s constant ‘love’. But what if I had died? What would have happened to Bobby? He would have replaced me in Mother’s eyes, he would have been her new victim. No matter how bad it got, I could never make him take my place. I could never stop protecting my baby brother!
“Don’t look so upset, he’s perfectly fine now! I tell you, this never would have happened when I was at school. The teaching standards were so much-“
“I’m sorry? Could you repeat that?” The nurse gave a playful tut but shined her composed smile and repeated herself.
“I said that your Mother was wonderful to your brother after he got that bruised eye. I know boys will be boys but rough play can quickly turn into violence!”
“Bobby had a black eye?” Sally nodded, looking a little confused as to why she needed to repeat herself again but still answering me, with her practised mask displaying calmness to all.
Mother really had sunk that low as to hurt Bobby then. He’d received nothing but cuts and bruises at school. I knew he was bullied but not to that extent. I needed to get back soon so I could protect him from her; no one else would.
“When-when might I be able to leave then?” I tried to ask carefully so as not to upset the chatty mood that Sally was in.
She frowned and I instantly knew I had said the wrong thing. She got up from where she had been sat on my bed and smoothed out her skirt as if to say that the discussion was over. Her smile was back wider and brighter than ever and I glared back at her, in an attempt to show that she wasn’t fooling anyone. But her smile never faltered.
“Well, that depends on the doctor’s analysis and your behaviour. Any more incidents like this morning will not be looked kindly on!” Her hand self-consciously touched the scratches on her face.
“And of course, what your Mother thinks will be considered.”
I had to suppress my anger at this and stop myself from hitting something. I settled with balling my hands into fists and hitting my head hard into the pillow.
“I’m sorry, you must be tired,” Sally idiotically twittered on, talking about meal times and saying something about taking a bath, but I’d had enough of her by this point.
I shut my eyes tight as I heard her nurses’ shoes slap rhythmically on the hospital floor as she exited.
“Oh, one last thing,” her high pitched voice did nothing more than remind me how melodic Wednesday’s voice sounded and I couldn’t wait now to be left alone to my thoughts and the beeping machines.
“You’ve have two visitors. Two girls who came after school of Thursday and one of the girls came back today. She had an odd name…”
“Wednesday,” I breathed out, the indigo pools shining bright in the front of my mind, staring intensely at me as she studied me in order to capture every part of me.
“Yes,” she smiled at my brightened mood, “Unfortunately only family can visit on this ward. And your Mother has specifically asked that you don’t have visitors. So-“
Sally moved quickly to the door, before I could protest and stuck her head around the door just before it shut quietly behind her, finally leaving me alone to my thoughts.
“I suppose it depends how good you are.”