Passive

“Stop ignoring me!” The voice caught sharply in my ears as Rebecca seemed to hit new volumes with it, making me flinch away from her. Her hand reached out to stop me from crossing the road and she stepped in front of me to block my path. Her cheeks were red from running after me and I could feel her harsh breath against my skin. She stood too close for my liking and I shoved her off, causing her to momentarily lose her balance.

“Isabella! I don’t know what’s up with you but you’ve been really off with me these last few days!” She tried to look sad but her face only drooped in a way that made me cringe my own face in discomfort. While I envied her long black hair compared to my own mousey brown, I was grateful that my Mother was slim and the Father who I never knew was too because it was as Rebecca pulled the grotesque face that I could very easily compare her to her Mother.

I just rolled my eyes at her experimentally, remembering how Wednesday had done it, straightened out my blazer and smoothed my hair before turning to scan the school playground behind us. There was no sign of her but I didn’t want to take the chance of her hearing my conversation with my friend. I was scared she would think me silly and immature, any words I could think to say seemed stupid in my mind when I was near her. The rest of the day had been long and I’d not seen her again since the morning. She hadn’t been with the popular kids at lunch or break; though they seemed to have made their feelings towards her quite clear.

‘The stupid lesbian’.

Maybe it was just an insult. Maybe something more. But after I had creepily invaded her personal space this morning, I very much doubted she would want to talk to me. The only word I had said to her so far had been a pathetic ‘Sorry’ and even that had been merely a whisper.

“You’re not listening again! What’s up?” Rebecca gave me a you-can-tell-me-anything look and clasped her hand in mine. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand; though she annoyed me, she meant well, she had been my friend for so long now.

“I’m fine. Just not been feeling so great recently. I’m better now!” I smiled, making her smile back and her face light up in a nice way, any resemblance of her Mother now gone.

“See you tomorrow then?” She gestured to the car park where her Mother was waiting by the car. A few cat calls and shouts came from the student body but Rebecca’s Mother seemed to be immune to them, simply waving at Rebecca as we looked over. She seemed to be in a good mood and I hoped this meant my friend wouldn’t come to school with any fresh bruises the next day.

“Yeah, see you!” I replied cheerfully, waving her off and forgetting any previous worries about looking stupid, Rebecca was my friend and I shouldn’t ignore her. I couldn’t expect her to understand how I was feeling, I couldn’t expect anyone too. I crossed the road and stood at the gates of Bobby’s school. The mothers were there again, chatting happily while I basked in the brief winter sun, letting my skin take in as much light as it could from between the few gaps of skin below my blazer sleeves and below the hem of my long skirt. Rebecca had put me in a good mood and as I saw Bobby walking towards me, I walked to meet him and embraced him in a hug. He seemed surprised but relaxed into me, his curls tickling my face. He grinned and pulled me by the hand towards home, his bag chunking rhythmically on his back in time to the steps of his feet. I let myself be pulled, ready to listen intently to anything my brother wanted to tell me, I was now putting my family and friends in front of any selfish thoughts in my head. I was going to be in enough trouble at home with Mother, I didn’t need the few people that loved me to end up despising me because I was selfish.

“Hey,” the voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I turned quickly in the direction the voice had come from. Wednesday stood with her side bag resting on one shoulder and a small smile on her face. Her eyes watched my expression, which I knew would be wide eyed with my mouth probably drooping open unattractively. Her eyes turned to Bobby, who was still clutching my hand and looking nervously at the colourful girl. It was all I could do to remain standing, let alone attempt to talk, my brain shocked away from its thoughts. I had no idea what Bobby was thinking and hated the idea that he was judging her like every other person who was now looking at her; the primary school children and even their parents gawping at Wednesday. Not that she seemed to care, her expression relaxed as she glanced from me to my brother, probably wondering what was wrong with us. I closed my mouth and swallowed, my dry throat screaming at in pain at the action.

“Hi,” I cursed myself immediately for the limp response but Wednesday only continued to smile. Bobby was mute besides us, his eyes still watching her.

“Err, I thought we could walk together? You live in Glen Close, right?” I had to focus my eyes on her lips to catch her words as her beautiful deep voice seemed to almost sing the words to me. It took me a second to realise that was a question and I nodded eagerly, though part of me started to cry at the thought of walking with her. She would realise how much of a loser I really was, an idiot, a geek. All words constantly thrown at me and Rebecca every day.

“I live at Sunny Dale. So do you want…” She gestured her small, pale hand in front of us.

I nodded, pulling Bobby along as he still held onto my hand tightly, his eyes not seeming to affect the beautiful girl despite how they bored into her. I squeezed Bobby’s hand in an attempt to get him to stop but he seemed transfixed. Not that I could talk, that was probably how I looked to the outside world when I was staring at Wednesday too. I recalled what she had just said about Sunny Dale, how she lived there. It was a few streets away from our house and the roughest children’s home in the area. Mother frequently complained and reported the children as they sped down our road on their bikes and skateboards. I couldn’t picture Wednesday there, in amongst the graffiti and orphans who never seemed to wash themselves; according to Mother anyway. This meant she was an orphan. I stole a glance at Wednesday, who was keeping pace with us, her eyes in front and head held high, so different to me as I watched my shoes, carefully avoiding the chewing gum on the pavement and the occasional broken glass bottle that seemed to crop up every so often.

“So…” Wednesday turned to me, her face perfect as she watched me, pulling me from my thoughts. This meant she wanted to talk, what about I didn’t know, not that I felt capable of speech. My throat was still dry and one look from Wednesday made it clench up tighter, even the sight of her hurt my stomach. She would think I was insane, not replying, my face possibly screwed up with the discomfort my stomach was causing me.

“You go to the primary school?” Her head turned to Bobby, who was walking blindly as he watched her. Bobby opened his mouth, his answer probably going to be something naïve and embarrassing but I cut him off, only to have my vocal chords betray me again.

“Yeah, he does!” The croak was obvious and I cleared my throat so as to ready myself for any more conversation that would come my way. I avoided her eyes, instead turning to glance at Bobby, who had averted his eyes from Wednesday to look at me, trying to place the odd sound to my voice but coming up with no answers.

“Oh, so you do speak!” My eyes widened at her words and I felt my cheeks turn red. I opened and closed my mouth trying to find the words but only made laughter come from her lips.

“Only kidding. Although conversation is easier when its two way,” she winked at me and turned to look forward again. I really was at a loss at what to say and so was Bobby, his usual talk that seemed to come naturally to him, falling away in its moment of need. I would have asked him to say anything right then to fill the awkward silence that accompanied us on the walk home. When we reached our street, Bobby ran ahead to our door and stood waiting for me.

“This your house?” I nodded in reply, not daring myself to speak. I didn’t meet her gaze, instead glancing up at our house. Most houses on the road had ornaments on the windowsills, curtains and blinds of various colours, whilst our windows were just as bare as the brick walls and grey door that made up the rest of the house. I wanted to shield the house from her view as if hiding part of my life from her but she seemed more interested in looking at me anyway. Which only made me uncomfortable, not that there was anything I could do to stop her. I slowed as we reached the door and so did she.

“Bobby, why don’t you go inside?” My voice was still fragile but I surprised myself by speaking. Bobby seemed a little put out but opened the door and walked in, shutting the wooden barrier, that now stood between us and my brother, firmly. I didn’t want to leave him alone in the house with Mother but … Mother. I imagined her eyes drilling into Wednesday, imagined her stopping the flawless girl and judging. If she saw me with Wednesday, then, who knows what she would do. She wasn’t fit to be my friend, she would say, she was strange and different, the kind of person Mother would refer to as vermin or scum, if she hadn’t been so incredibly proper. But nevertheless if Mother knew I was in the company of someone like Wednesday, I would undoubtedly pay for it later.

“Bye,” she waggled her yellow painted fingers at me and walked off, her face leaving me with a lasting impression as she smiled brightly. She was so casual, her eyes quickly trailing past me and her mind moving onto something new. I played with the idea that she now hated me, she thought I was weird like the others. Yet she had wanted to walk with me, had wanted to even after I had nearly head butted her and shoved her off her chair that morning.

“Wait!” The word was loud and stopped her immediately in her tracks. She swivelled around, seeming pleased that I had stopped her, at least that’s what her smile said but I was so bad at reading people, this could have meant anything. I paused wondering what I had intended to say next, the strong loud voice that had come out of me could easily have belonged to someone else.

“I’ll walk with you afterschool tomorrow. If you like?” She tilted her head to one side as she watched me, her eyes big and necklaces jangling as she started to step slowly backwards, as a sign that she probably wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else. Yet she had offered to walk with me and I nodded my head quickly, stopping myself before she told her offer back, my repetitive head nodding finally showing her that I was crazy. Wednesday grinned and walked off, this time her hands by her sides instead of in her back pockets. This time it was my fault for looking at her bottom, there was no excuse. I tried to pull my eyes away but the muscle underneath her shorts moved rhythmically up and down, making my eyes widen at such a simple action. The shorts spun around in my view and I blushed a deep beetroot shade as I realised she had turned around. Her face danced with a small smile as she caught my gaze, her cheeks slightly pink but nowhere near the shade my face was. She winked at me before turning around. I almost ran into the house to escape the horrible feeling that if Wednesday hadn’t been so nice about it, I could have ruined one of the best things that had ever happened to me. She was talking to me, she would walk with me tomorrow. And yes, she did seem to like me, surprising after all I had done.

I sighed happily, closing the door behind me and stepped into the house, ready to box up my inappropriate thoughts and close myself off from everyone until tomorrow when I would see her again.