Letters to Those Whom I Love

Dear Kayla,

I just came from that hell hole and I never want to go back. I wouldn't, if it wasn't for you.

I have known you since you were seven and you're turning twelve on the second of February. On mommas day off we are going to go there and be with you and your dad. I'm glad momma left him.

I remember at the end of my seventh grade year going to Kelvins. You were crying to me because not long after your mom died we moved in.

I couldn't stand you at first,don't take it personal, I was mad at my mom. For one, she was super wrong and really stupid for moving in there so soon and getting back with him when he used to beat her just eleven years before. What makes her think that time would be any different?

I had to be a mom for you and the other two girls. You remember that though because you were just talking about it today.You thanked me and said you miss us living there.

About a month after we moved in I was cooking breakfast and us two were the only ones awake. Bacon sat frying in the pan and I was mixing the batter. You being a seven year old just sat over there and talked my ear off about stuff that I honestly don't care about.

Amway, you sat talking and talking and then you said "momma can I help?" It took a second for you to realize I wasn't your mom and then the tears came. I loved children and have a big heart for them so I picked you up and put you on my hip letting you stir and then pour the batter. At seven you only weighed about fifty pounds. You were the size of a five year old. I dried your tears, sang to you and you calmed right down.

The next one up was Dalton and then Mia, I knew she would be up late because she always had been. You served them their food and we all sat down together. We were about to eat when you grabbed mine and Dalton's hand and started to pray. I still remember the prayer. You said:

"Dear God, please tell momma I said I love her and thank you for the bacon, it is my favorite. Amen."

You were talking about the time that Kelvin and momma got in an argument and he choked her at the kitchen table today. You were so little and you sat there wide eyed and staring at your daddy choke my mom. Mia was screaming and Dalton was crying. I jumped up and he slapped me back hard. Later that night when I was tucking you in for bed you said that you weren't scared because you have seen worse. And then you went into detail on a story of when your mom,Angela, and your dad pulled knives on each other. I just sang to you, finished tucking you in and went to tuck in Mia.

The fights that took place between y'all two was unbelievable! She would choke you and punch you, you would scream and beg for help.Dalton and I would break you two up and then I would have to take care of the situation like your mother instead of your older sister. Mia would scream that I am taking your side and you would whine that I love Mia more.

Do you remember the time that you took your new puppy out back to show the pit bull and she ripped the puppy out of your hands and killed it, probably thinking it was a toy? Do you remember running in there to your dad and him being all redneck and shooting the dog while you screamed for him not to kill her too? He walked inside and simply said "Don't go to the backyard for a while or ill beat your asses."

I tried to be there for you as much as possible but then the pregnancy came and things got to be too much. I usually took you with me when I would spend the night off but sometimes k couldn't. You used to put your little hand on my stomach and leave it there waiting to feel a kick.

The day I'll never forget is when we left and the words that came out of your mouth were " Promise to come back for me." I told you I couldn't promise but I could try. Three years later here I am, coming over every week and staying the night with you.

You're so...sexual. All you ask about is sex! You want to know how it feels and if it hurts, what does it look like up close and why you feel certain ways. I tried not to laugh when you said that you felt like you had to pee when you saw a dick. Clayton told me that day to keep answers as short and as simple as possible. That isn't good enough for you though because you're wanting more details.

I want to help you and be there for you. I am sorry I left for those couple of years. I have so much I want to tell you but it isn't my place. The number one thing I have been wanting to say is that your mom didn't die from her brain working too hard like you believe. Your mother died from a cocaine overdose.

I love you and I promise to never leave again,
Alex