Letters to Those Whom I Love

Dearest Kyler,

I have started this letter and ended it many times before. You were going to be the first but the tears start flowing and I just can't write it. I am going to have to move past that now. I have to give you this letter that is now past due.

I miss you. I mas holding you in my arms and putting you in time out. I miss you coming to me at night and laying down while cuddling up real close because you had a bad dream. All the times you would throw a fit and Christian and I told you to go to your room and cry. You would run down the hall to your room , screaming and crying the whole way. Not even five minutes later you would come out and hug me saying you're sorry and looking at me with those big eyes. How can I not smile and take you in my arms?

When you were born along with your twin brother I knew you would be precious and have the best personality. I knew that you would win everyone's heart immediately. And you did!

You made giving up your brother bearable for me. You made everything better and more fun. When you would laugh people would laugh with you. You seemed to be the perfect child. You were my little boy.

I left you when you were four months from turning three. I talked to you everyday but it wasn't the same as seeing you and holding you. I didn't want you around Brittanys family babyboy that is why I didn't see you. I know you were too young to understand but I tried to explain.

When I called you would try to tell me stuff but you were so young that I couldn't really understand what you were saying. I knew when you told me you loved me or you would say "mommy miss you". Other than that I don't know. I would have to put it together. You would tell about eating cookies and about playing with your dinosaurs and cars. I called everyday, twice a day. You would ask me what I was doing and I would tell you that I was missing you and hanging out with Brittany. I told you I made new friends, Matt and Clayton. You wanted to say hey but you couldn't. You always ended by saying " I see you soon mommy?"

Looking at you killed me because your daddy wasn't Christian. Your daddy was a guy named Michael and you looked so much like him. Your real dad raped me. Even if I could I wouldn't take that night back because if I did I wouldn't get the most precious gift in life. You were looking more and more like him everyday.

Baby, I pray to God that you're still really out there. They told be you died and I know you had major health problems but I don't see you in the obituary. I remember the morning you came to me holding your stomach and crying.

I was cooking you and Christian, your dad, some breakfast and you walked in there screaming and crying while holding your stomach. I thought maybe you were just hungry so I gave you a small pancake and a piece of bacon that I already had done and I sat you down to eat. You kept reaching your arms out for me to hold you and so I put you in lap while you ate, ignoring the rest of the stuff. You ate and stopped crying so I assumed you were better. When you finished I put you down to go play but you wanted me to hold you so I held you the time I was cooking. When Christian came in there to get you and hold you, you buried your face in my neck and started to cry. I told Christian you were acting weird all morning so he went and called your doctor.

They didn't know what was wrong. The doctor said it was probably just you going through a stage. I was fine with that until you had to go to daycare and I had to go to school. You still wouldn't let go so Ms.Jackie ripped you away from me and you reacted in the worst way. Kyler, why did you do that? I took you back and skipped school that day. The minute you got back in my arms you calmed down and so we went to the mall, wal-mart and to see your brother who you thought was your cousin.

Did you die? Did you really fall asleep and never wake up? I can't find your death anywhere! And they would notify me and tell me that my son died...I think.

Clayton called to tell me that you had died. It was November 19th and I was going to ask Brittanys mommy if she could take me to get you a pesent. Clayton kept sending tear faces [ :'( ] everytime I brought you up. He said once he got off work he would call me and tell me what happened. I found out and the breath left my lungs, I felt like my whole world had just collapsed. My baby boy was gone?!?! So I kept calling Clayton. I needed him to tell me it was all a joke and that he was fine.

I shut down. The ones in my head were screaming and flipping out and Brittany was trying to calm me down. Clayton was calling trying to help. Matt was talking to me trying to find out what had happened. And it was all a big mess.

If you're still out there I will find you! I will help you and never let you leave again. You're three now, been three since December 15th. I hope of you are out there you don't think I left you. I love you. I cannot express that enough.

Forever and ever,
Your mommy