Letters to Those Whom I Love

Dear Matthew,

You make my blood boil, my leg shake, and my voices scream.

For your own selfish reasons you didn't allow Clayton and I to have one last night. You couldn't let him love me for one weekend.

What didn't you understand when I told you that you dated my best friend, you lost your virginity to her, and you ripped her heart didn't you get when I said no? I didn't want to be with you and I still don't. You are too nice and you whine and don't shower daily. You call too many times a day and text too much.

I know Brittany cheated on you. And was wrong for that but you know what? You should have worked it out.If you loved her like you claimed to then all you had to do was slowly make her earn your trust back. I alknow that a part of you would ever fully trust her again but it could be a slow process. That is the thing though Matt, people these days don't know that love is not giving up, love is working through anything and being there for that person.

What you and Brittany had was not love. What you two had was lust. I was there when y'all two broke up. Clayton was at your house and I was at Brittanys. You gave up. She said she would stop talking to all the other guys.

I see it from both view points honestly. I see if from your view point of you were hurt and you didn't trust her anymore. You knew she had been doing it previously. When you finally heard the truth from her you snapped. something inside of you happened and you broke it off with her. She has called you, text you, and looked you up on Facebook. You have not spoken to her yet.

I see it from her viewpoint also though. She was afraid of being hurt. She was so sure she wouldn't get caught. She was dating one guy because he said he would kill himself without her, she has a heart so she stayed with him. The one guy that I date right now, she was with him just for the pleasure of it. She might have been with him because he was black and she knew how her parents were, she doesn't like them so hey!, let me just do something to hurt them. The other guys that got the pictures, that she had phone sex with, well I guess that is just her being a teenager.

Anyway, I am sure you know but ill recall it just in case, I was there for you and I knew how hurt you were so I text you in the mornings and I talked to you before I went to sleep. I was meaning it to be friendly. I didn't want to be with you. Even when you were talking to Heidi and Brenda about liking us they told you not to. They let you down easy. They told you that we are in love already, and we heard the bitterness in your voice when you asked if it was Clayton.

Jealous. That was huge weekend. I went over there after Brittany and broke up. I was so excited to see Clayton. You told me that he might not spend the night because he had to work. Bullshit! Everytime I was there and he spent the night he woke up the next morning to go to work. You wouldn't let me look in your phone. I knew you were hiding something. Typically you don't care.

I later found out that night from him that you didn't want him to spend the night because you wanted some alone time with me. Ill never forget him walking in there to the guestroom, doingvhis hands like he usually does when he wants his point to made and the words that came with it. I was sitting on the bed in your guestroom and I was pissed because he said he wasn't going to spend the night so he told you that he would take me to the guestroom to talk to me for a few minutes. He barely had the door shut when he turned around slapping his hands and saying, " so my boy Matt, wants to get with you...." I heard nothing else after that. I was so mad. He calmed me down though, like only he could do. He told Heidi he was leaving and promised to return.

I heard from the other room you and Clayton arguing. You wanted him gone and wanted "a night with me." Clayton was mad and said that I didn't like you like that and that Heidi refused to stay if he didn't return. You were hurt. You told Clayton that you would never hurt one of us but Clayton was still staying and he said for you not to worry, that he was sleeping on the couch in your room. Clayton went in and got Heidi, you both stepped out in the hallway and argued some more. You went to the bathroom and he walked in, kissed her forehead and said he is only a text away and that he would beat your ass in your own house if you tried to force us into anything.

Pretty little liars played and the whole time it was super uncomfortable because you first covered us up with the same blanket and then you put your hand on Heidis leg. She sat there and text Clayton the whole time. I just don't understand why you couldn't get the word no. I should have wrote the definition for you.

We later talked about when you started to like me and you admitted it was before you and Brittany broke up. You said if was the hotel room and when I believed you two were asleep and I had phone sex with Kody. You said my moan was beautiful. You said that after that and after seeing how amazing my personality was you just couldn't stop yourself.

You also told me that my best friend was easy and that is the only reason you got with her. You said that after a couple of times you fell for her but that your main intention was to just get her to take your virginity.

I still laugh at the fact that a HOOKER stood you up twice before you even got your virginity taken. I know its mean, it is sad really but the truth hurts. I am so angry at you for asking Clayton if he would rather sleep with me or a snaggle tooth prostitute. His response still hurts to this day. But I want you to know later that he text me and said "deff you <3".

What Michelle told you that morning before going to the waffle house was true. When she said that we gave Clayton head three times that weekend when you asked him not t do anything was true. When she said that before that he gave Clayton head more she wasn't lying. And when she said that Clayton gave her a boob massage and likes to hear her moan she was being honest. When Michelle said that Clayton really did text her things like "I'm going to fuck you slow hard slow and fast" she was being for real. She forwarded you the messages and you still refused to believe it.

All because Clayton denied it.

Well that was stupid and ill never be with you. I will never give you a chance. I will not talk to you ever again or tell you everything will be okay. I want you to feel how you made me feel that weekend. I was selfish for wanting Clayton with me that last weekend but you even more selfish to not allowing it.

Do you remehber how he left? The last time I ever saw him was almost three in the morning and you and him had just got in another argument about me. He decided that it was his time to go. I cried, I begged, I ignored him. He pleaded for me to talk to him before he left. I didn't at first and after trying for a while he gave up. He was almost ji of the door when I called him back in there and before he could even close the door back my hands were around his waist, he was frustrated and I was devasted. How could you take that from me?

It doesn't matter now,
Alex