Letters to Those Whom I Love

Dear Brittany,

Why did you lie? And I know you're thinking about what? Don't you worry, I will tell you. I will tell you of the tests that I gave you and the ways I caught you. But first let me take you on a trip back to the memories we had and enjoyed. This will probably be my longest letter because we were together everyday since October 15th 2012. One day we spent apart and one weekend we didn't see eachother.

My grandmother denied my son, Kyler, and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take looking at him because of what event caused him to be conceived. I couldn't stay there where he came every day and asked why his great grandmother wouldn't talk to him. He had a lot of health problems but you knew that. I told you even before you moved in with you all about him. He was amazing and I loved him. My grandmother denying him existing to the school broke me. I understand she was ashamed but if she knew that night wasn't my choice then she would probably love me so much more.

I told you what my grandmother did and you called your mom asking if I could come live with you. We barely knew eachother then. You only spent one night at my house with me and one night at my ex boyfriend, Ericks, with me also. Your mom said she is on her way to come and get us and I got in the car, explained the whole situation and your mom said we will call Lexington County to inform them we haven't ran away.

The whole time I was sitting there in your car I was scared. All I wanted was Kody. Don't worry, Britt, his letter is coming. We got to the little orange store and your mom ran in to buy cigarettes for your dad. The wanna be thugs right beside us kept looking at me and smiling. They were telling mqw to chuall them and winking at me. I thought those guys were fine. But I later learned that your family is a family of racists.

We went to your house, after going down a long dirt road that is supposedly haunted. I never took your family to be a family of rednecks but that is how it seemed it was going to be. The goat and the racing trailer along with how run down things looked I felt like I would be right back with my dads side of the family.

I walked in there and bottom line I got to stay and I knew Kyler was safe with his "dad". We went to your room and it was a mess. You shared with Sarah. I suggested we move the room around and clean up with your mom agreeing beside me. You got pissed off and that is the day I saw how disrespectful you can be. All I knew is that if I had a mom who was as good as yours then I would listen to anything she said.

We went and got my stuff from my grandmothers with a police escort. The whole time I was carrying my stuff out my grandmother was talking down on me. It was nothing new, she always did. The one thing I will never forget is her commenting "When the pimp down the road gets you..."

I got a phone the next day and you and I even saw that we downgraded but we were matching so it didn't matter. We got on meet me and got all kinds of numbers. The only person I wanted at ,the time was Kody.

We met on meet me I am sure you remember. He told me he went to Airport and so we decided to meet but that is not before we had phone sex multiple times and sent naked pics.

You said you hated Kody for how he treated me but Clayton and I talked about and decided it was just jealousy. You said he didn't appreciate me enough and most of our arguments were because of him. A lot of my tears were because of him too.

You and I were both fat. Neither of us have ever had a fat friend before so it was weird. You and I were just alike but also complete opposites. I am active for being fat and you just want to lay there. I'm a giver in life, of your brother wanted tea and everyone is n the middle of dinner well I am taking a break and getting him some tea. It is the mother in me. You like people to do everything for you. I remember once you commented that I don't "do things fat girls do." And I don't because I don't let my weight hold me back like you do. I am not lazy and I don't want to just sit all day. I like to go walking and running around kicking a ball.

Britt, you wanted me all to yourself. You even said that your jealousy gets the best of you. You hated that everyday at lunch Kody and I went somewhere else and didn't sit with you and that bitch Teresa. You hated that when you and I walked down the hall together so many people would stop and talk to me or say hey. And that never happened for you. That is a result of you letting your insecurities get the best of you. I am shy and I have anxiety disorder along with PTSD, depression, BPD, and more because of my dad and grandpa but I don't let that hold me back. I talk to everyone, get to know them all and get past my fears. You didn't do that so you sat in that ball of jealousy and let it eat you up.

We were at home and you were talking about how jealous you get of me. And then you said something that broke me. You said " you're my only friend and I never had a best friend longer than a month." I didn't understand why! You were amazing and sure you were a bitch but I didn't allow you to be one to me. I reminded you daily that I was here to stay with you forever but you left me. So you can't get mad.

The nights we lay in bed and talked about times with Clayton and Matt were the best. You cheated on him though Britt. You cheated on him and I was there almost egerytime. Besides you giving Isiah head in the drama department at school I was there when you sent the pictures and I laid there the nights you had phone sex with Kijana. I was there when Grant wanted me and youvto do it together and I just couldn't so I handed the phone to you and you finished with him. I was there all those nights you talked to Christopher S. and told him how you loved him and wanted to be with him forever just to get your phone bill paid. I was there when Kijana would ask for naked pictures and you would give them tobhim even though you were with Matt. I was present the days and nights that you got dick pics sent to your phone and it was a lot because you showed me. You cheated when you LAID IN MATTS BED WITH MATT FINGERING YOU AND WAS LISTENING TO ANOTHER GUY GET OFF!!! And matt never knew. I was there for you dating Dylan,Brandon,Christopher S., Matthew and I'm sure a couple more at the same time.

So why did you get so upset when Matt broke up with you? And why did you insist to ME that you didn't cheat when I was there for it all? I just don't understand. I wish I did, honestly. And Brittany how could you let such an amazing guy as Kijana and Matt be played like that? Well I have talked to all the guys and they are all wonderful! You get upset when the guy finds out though and then you swear you didn't cheat.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I'm stupid befauseci did it too but the difference is that me and Steven were never serious! He lived six states away and we were only dating as a joke. There was Christopher J. who I never knew when we were still dating because befouled go days without talking to me. There was Julius who when we got together said that it isnt serious and he would still get with other girls.

That whole time that Clayton and I were "together" I stayed with just Clayton beyond the exception of Noah. But Clayton knew about Noah. He didn't care about that either because what Clayton and I had was not a real relationship like you and Matt had or you and Kijana.

The cutting. It pissed me off so bad when you told me that you were a cutter. I actually brought it up first because I was telling you about my disorders and about them..Brenda and Heidi and Katie and Anna ...etc. I believe it was Brenda who told you about the cuts and showed you. It was because iceelapsed and they wanted you to see and know the signs because when I get bad I don't tell anyone. You said you were a cutter too and you cut between your legs and there were scars. The weird thing was that night with those vibrators for Clayton, which ill get to that, I didn't see any. Not a scar was there and when you cut it didn't bleed. You said it was just because you hadn't cut for a while but Brittany a true cutter doesn't have to get into a rountine. They feel the blade slice their skin and then they clean it up, or maybe watch the blood like I do. You barely ran the blade over your skin and when you did, you were pinching the cut trying to make blood come. I could tell it was your first tike cutting but I said nothing. After that first night of the cuts you sent abpicture to Matt and Matt called me asking why you sent that. You said I'm a bad cutter but the truth is I am not. I don't cut deep like so many, I cut enough to see the blood and yeah it usually scars but I try to not let it. The look on your face when you saw how many scars I had was funny. I was tired of hiding my legs so I figured fuck it I will just show her and move on. I showed you and then you came up with, you were a cutter too.

I told you about them, the voices, and you shocked me. You told me you had them too
Who am I to say you're faking it? Nobody. So I handled it the best way I know how. I got them after my dad fucked me at five but I'm sure you remember that. And don't you worry I have his letter coming shortly. They came and they helped me or so they thought. I had four main ones and I let you meet the youngest. Katie. Everyone loves Katie, you and Clayton especially. She loved to play games and you always stopped her from that, thank you, but Clayton didn't. He played how he should of withcher and that was fine too. You said it scared you really bad and creeped you out when you met her, like expected. I just don't understand why it scared youvso bad if you had them too. But I also don't understand what horrific event happened in your life for you to get PTSD or BPD. My life sucked and I dont really tell my story unless I am close to the person, it changes peoples view of me and I don't want them to feel bad. I want people to see that it is possible to make it through anything. The only person who knows EVERYTHING besides DSS and my therapist is Clayton. And I told him because I know it wouldn't change his opinion of me. He told me that it helped him see how strong a person can be. I wanted him to see that.

You look at him as an asshole but I know some things about him that you don't know. I will never share them with you either because it isn't my place.

You hated Kody and then when I moved on and fell for Clayton, a huge part of you hated him but like you said that day when we were walking down the road " Clayton is kind of impossible to hate." And he is. I caught you in another lie or maybe it was just a fantasy of yours but youvwere so sure he was looking at your chest. I asked him calmly and he said "Nah, Alex I have control over my eyes and they were definitely not there. She is my boys girl." You kept on thinking that he looked at your chest.

The thing that caused me to no longer count you as my best friend is Jason. Why wouldn't you tell me sooner? Why did you wait to tell me the day before you left for good? Why didn't you get John to help us before we went and slept with Erick and Daquan for a place to stay that night? You told me that Ryan, his dad died your freshman year. I had Kyler and Nolan my freshman year. You say Ryan, his dad, died two months before Jason was born. You told me Jason just turned two on the third. Wouldn't he be three? If it was your freshman year. And why that morning that you were on the phone with John and Jason did I not hear you say their name once? And he just turned two, he must be very smart to be speaking full paragraphs. Kyler struggled and he was almost three. I'm just wondering. If you lied, please, admit it. I don't care. I just want you to say the truth.

Do you remember the vibrators? All for Clayton. Are that time I would have given him anything! He wanted it so I gave it to him. You fucked me with my vibrators and I fucked you with yours. We send the video and he wanted "better quality". Well we didn't have better quality so I promises him one when we got our new phones.

You invited the black guy over. You got caught and I'm sorry. We left like you wanted to and went to Ericks for a place to stay. We fucked guys for a place and then Teresa helped us.

The whole time her boyfriend talked down on me and called me fake you just sat there. The whole time that he brought up my past and told me that he knew something happened and it was probably rape or molestation you just watched. And while he made Brenda, Anna, Heidi, Katie and the others that aren't important scream you didn't say a word. When George called me a liar about my son, YOU DIDN'T OPEN YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!!!! I thought, what best friend does that? And he sat there calling me a bad friend and you didn't tell him that it was your idea to leave, or that it was your fault we got kicked out, you didn't tell him about the time that I helped you with Matt, or explained your voices to Kijana so he wouldn't leave you.

Why Britt? Why did you tell me that story about Ryan? There is no Ryan. Not him anyway. I asked j money. I didn't say anything except tell me about Ryan. And he said "Who the fuck is Ryan, my homeboys name is Bird." Why say that Ryan beat you, why say he made you do things? Why make him up? Did you want me to feel bad for you? I felt bad enough already when I saw the family God stuck you with. Nothing else would make me feel more bad than that.

How can you get mad about Kijana and me being together when you told me that night it wasn't going to work because y'all always argued and you were tired of being with him. So how could you even think of getting mad? You don't deserve him.

I love you but Britt start telling the truth. Start being yourself. Stop living in a fantasy and live in reality. Don't cheat, but leave Kijana alone. Stop trying to get people's pity. I care about you and I haven't given up, I never will. Just tell me the truth.

I know you're on this site. I know you will probably find this and read it. This letter probably really will go to you. Just know I love you. Know ill never give up. And know that you can earn being my best friend back when you tell me the truth I already know.

-Alex