Letters to Those Whom I Love

Momma,

I am laying here on the couch in this camper while you lay in the room. Once again you are doped up on pills.

You used to be a good mom. I used to look up to you and tell you how beautiful you are. That seems like forever ago now.

You got pregnant with my little half sister Mia who hates you now. She used to worship you! So you left my dad for hers and then y'all broke up. Back at the end of my seventh grade year his wife died and not two weeks later you were back in bed with him.

That is when you changed. I don't know if you remembered but you received custody of me at the end of my sixth grade year and told me I would be moving to Fulmer on my seventh. I was so angry at you because I just made friends that year.

My first day of seventh grade I got picked on until I befriended the whore of the school. We were inseparable and the two guys that hung out with us Dylan and Christian were a huge part too. You do remember Christopher V. because you brought him up today. He lived a neighborhood away and rode my bus. Luckily, starting there my cousin Jesse attended and was in eighth grade. He introduced Chris and I. He was so...vulgar! I had the biggest crush on him hut also Dylan. You made sure I did my homework and that I was in bed at a decent hour. You made sure I had food and got good grades. You made sure of all of that until you got back with Kelvin at the end of the year.

When you sat me down and told me that we were moving I flipped. I screamed and begged grandmother who we lived with to make you let me stay.she begged and pleaded, as did I. You screamed back that it was your life and you would do what you wanted.

I hated his kids but I was nice to them because their mom just died. It is was Dalton, she was 12 at the time and Kayla who was 7. Mia was 11 and I was 13. You got there and Kelvin, Mia's dad, the one you got back with was 11 years younger.

You were so happy at first...and then you got addicted to Oxycontin and pain killers. You started smoking weed around us and chain smoking your cigarettes. Kelvin received his painkillers and oxycontin every month because he broke his back falling off the skylight a couple years before that.

I started at a new school, Pelion Middle my eighth grade year and I was happy to know Katelyn from Fulmer was loving there too. Christian from Fulmer came from Pelion to there and was also returning. I knew I was going to start that school year off good so I didn't let my weight get me down.

I had sex with multiple guys and I was attending parties every weekend. You had no idea because you were in your own world and Kelvin in his. When the lights got cut off you told me that Ichad to pay it because you couldn't afford it. I didn't have any money! I went to my boyfriend, Devan, at the time complaining and he said I could always give head and suck a dick to make money. I did just that too. You claim now that you never knew but I know you did!

I went to one party and got raped. I ended up pregnant and when I told Devan he called me a whore and said I probably liked it. Bottom line, we broke up. I went to Christian who I kneading could count on and he said he would support the child. I saw the guy around school and he was always smiling at me and laughing. My stomach got bigger and bigger, my clothes wouldn't fit and you still didn't notice. You weren't at a doctors appointment or the hospital when they were born.

I cried when I heard their heartbeat for the first time. I was shocked when the doctor said that there was more than one. In our family we have five sets of twins. My two sons. Aunt Cindy and Uncle Ronnies twin daughters. Mitchell and me. Uncle Tony and Aunt Beverlys twins, boy and girl and Aunt Christy and who knows the dads twin daughters.

I gave the older up for adoption to my cousin and I kept Kyler. He was beautiful and so small at just two pounds. Why didn't you come when your first grandchildren were being born? You barely knew Kyler! You were texting Clayton that night I went into the hospital and he let you know Kyler passed away.

Tears have started pouring from my eyes and you don't even know because you are in there snoring. I don't talk about him with you and you don't bring him up at all. Maybe I need to let it out. I just don't want you to know how I feel because you're always too high to remember anyway.

You took five nighttime medicines, two Xanax, and an Ambien (I believe icspelled that correctly) last night. No wonder you're not waking up to the sound of me on the phone or me playing the music loud. I miss my old mom.

The family that has cut me off from their lives have also cut you off a few years before that. I lived with the "Bible thumpers" my sophomore and junior year. I was in and out of the hospital and going to a long term treatment facility for a few months too.

They didn't know I was sneaking guys in and having phone sex. They didn't know that my best friend was my girlfriend. Aunt Cindy kept commenting that Dee and I were "too close" and we depended on eachother too much. If she would have known I was with a girl she would have lectured me in it not being in Gods plan and how Dee isn't even a believer. I didn't want to hear that shit momma!

We have gotten in fist fights and fought. I have stopped talking to you for two years and then reunited with you only to you to find out that I was a good mom but also a whore.

When I moved to Grandmother's April 10th 2012 I started talking to you again. The family hated that. They hated me when I brought you back. They hated me for having that picture of my boobs in my phone and sending it to a guy I barely knew. My family didn't speak to me when they found out I did date Dee. But you did. You didn't give up on me.

I left you again on October 15th 2012 to move in with Brittany. I didn't intend to but you pissed me off when you told me that once you get me I will go to my dads and live. I couldn't keep you then. You never asked abojut my journey away and living with Brittany, not really.

It was just like living with daddy's side except worse because I didn't know any of them. Her dad is abusive and mean while her mom is young and miserable. She is too protective and takes her youngest daughter, Sarah's side. It was frustrating and it pissed me off but oh well. We were going to Matt and Clayton all the time after school and going there on weekends.

You tell me with Clayton, you can see I'm a better person and I'm much happier. Its what love does momma. I just wish you remembered our conversations and didn't always want to talk when the pills kick in. I wish you would have held Kyler and loved him while you had the chance. I wish you didn't tell me that in order to make money easy I had to be easy.

I am tired of living in this camper and having to give you my money every week to feed your addiction. I don't want to be here with you while you get the vodka and get drunk, crying and apologizing for never being there.

But you were there last night when Britt and I caught Ki cheating. You were there when I was homeless with no where to go and you helped me find a job when I didn't have one. You apologize for the choices you made, I just wish you would stop taking pills and stop blaming me that Mia is the way she is because she followed my foot steps and I'm older.

You treat me more like your best friend now. You talk to me about my sex life and yours. You offer to do shots with me and snow a little something. Sometimes instead of a friend, I need a mother.

I love you,
Swirl