Letters to Those Whom I Love

Dear Mitchell,

Damn it! I miss you. I want to give you a hug and then slap the shit out of you for doing drugs and smoking cigarettes. Do you not remember the day of our promise?
We were at Aunt Julies and she kept coughing. We asked her why she coughs so much and she said from her cigarettes. We came up with a master plan!

When she went away from her desk, take her cigarettes and hide them away. Then when she was looking for them, you and I would pretend to help but really we would know where they are.

Our plan worked. She got up to make us something to drink and we took them, ran outside and buried them. But she came out with our drinks too soon and asked what we were doing. You stepped on them and said "playing." She handed us our drinks and went back in only to come right back out.

Do you remember how mad she was? No? Of course not. You don't remember your childhood. Don't worry Bubby I will tell you.

She said "Alex Anna and Mitchell, where did you put my cigarettes?" We looked at each other, at aunt Julie and then pointed to the ground. She walked over there slowly, looked at the hole, the squished pack of cigarettes and sighed. You and I started crying and asking her to stop. She said it wasn't that simple and both of us took off running to our hiding spot.

We got there to that little tree that looked like a cave, crawled in and you said "Sissy, lets make a promise to never ever smoke a cigarette and cough like that." I said "I promise Bubby! Do you promise?" And you said "Yes. I never want to cough like Aunt Julie.

So what happened to that promise? And do not use the excuse of you don't remember because we talked about it when we were in the ninth grade. You threw it all down the drain. I can happily say that I have never picked up a cigarette and smoked it. I have smoked marijuana but that isn't what we promised on.

You and me grew apart after I moved out and in with momma. We still talked but it wasn't the same, I am so tempted to ask you if daddy did it to you every day after I left and he couldn't get me anymore. We were almost twelve by then though.

Do you remember begging me to kill myself at ten and me going to the bathroom with a knife? Do you remember running in there as the knife was about to stab into my wrists and it going through your hand instead? Do you remember ignoring the blood pouring out of your hand and hugging me and crying and screaming? Do you remember how I collapsed against you but you were the one who was losing blood? No you don't remember because you still ask daddy and momma how you got the scar. They tell you that they don't remember.

You went to the hospital and they gave you stitches. When the doctor asked what happened you said " me and Sissy were just playing and she had a knife and stabbed it through my hand! I have a battle wound." I can still see the disbelieving look on the doctors face.

I can't ever forget the nights that you would call when you were in the woods at Kelvins because we lived only five minutes away from each other. I went so long without seeing you and momma had waited at least a year so why when you and Donavan showed up did she not freak out with happiness? And why did she say she didn't see Kelvin pull that gun out on you two. All four of us girls watched out the window and I remember laughing at how bored you looked while he yelled at yall and pointed it at your head.

Not even two weeks later momma came in the house furious that someone let all the air out of her tires and slashed Kelvins. We knew it was you. I sat with Mia and laughed while she mocked how momma looked. High five to you!

When we got older and I used to come for weekly visits we used to walk around and Swansea and hang out with the other kids. We always got in trouble but what I don't remember is when you got so tall! You would always introduce me as your younger sister and I would punch you so hard! I would tell whoever you said that to that we were twins and I was actually two minutes older.

hen you moved to Montana with daddy I got bad. I didn't care about anything anymore and evidently you didn't either. You and me are complete opposites. You're tall and skinny. I am short and fat. I remember everything and you remember nothing. I dropped out of high school and you didn't. You do drugs and I don't. You live with daddy and I live with momma.

I want to hear your voice and tell you I love you! Even those last few months when I called you would be so high that you didn't care about what I was saying. You would tell me of your latest fight and tell me how your alcohol class was going. You would tell me of your times taking shrooms and then tell me how fat I was.

I love you,
Sissy.