Promises

"Hey, you okay?"

Vic looked up from his hands that were lying dead on his lap, and stared into his little brother's brown eyes that were quite similar to his own. Vic nodded and smiled, trying to avoid the deep questions that he would rather not answer, because how did you tell your brother that you had fallen head over heels for another man? How did you tell him you hadn’t slept at night because your mind could not focus on anything else but that stupid, gorgeous, ridiculously charming man? Simply, you didn't. And that was what Vic kept telling himself. That it was wrong to love another man, atleast when he himself was the case. And even if it was acceptable to love someone of the same sex, who could ever love an ugly failure like himself? He could never see himself in a relationship, not with a woman nor man. He simply wasn’t boyfriend material.

"Alright, Vicky." Mike said and slapped Vic's shoulder before walking to the back lounge. Vic heard laughter and loud arguments from back there, and he figured the rest of the band and the guys in Sleeping With Sirens must have been playing a few rounds of FIFA. Vic sighed and stood up, brushing some cookie crumbs from his earlier cupboard raid from the front of his black jeans. A walk in the fresh air could do right now, he thought, and snuck out from their tour bus. It was dark outside and the air was chilly against his bare, tanned arms, but it was rather nice. It was something calm about it, and he felt a wave of inspiration rush through him. Maybe he could write some new lyrics. The stars were shining, and Vic decided to sit on the bus roof to get a better view. He climbed up and sat down on the egde, laying down on the cold metal. It was peaceful. No annoying brothers who kept asking a bunch of questions about his well-being, and no ridiculously attractive and adorable men who could ruin his mood. He was content up there, all alone with his thoughts, and the only things watching him were the stars and they didn't judge him. They were just up there doing their thing, being sparkly and all.

"I breathe you in with smoke," Vic sang, breaking the peaceful silence, "in the backyard lights. We used to laugh until we choked into the wasted nights."

"I wanna hold your hand so tight, I'm gonna break my wrist." another voice sang. Vic recognised it immediately and laughed nervously. Kellin was the last person he wanted to meet at that moment, especially when they were alone. He couldn’t leave Kellin to hang out with Tony or Mike or Jamie now, he simply had to endure.

"That part doesn't come yet." Vic said, glancing at the other man who stood on the top ladder with a smile across his face. "You nuthead."

"Rude." Kellin laughed softly and laid down next to Vic, almost too close to be considered platonic. He sighed and put his arms behind his head. Both men were quiet, taking in the sounds from the cars that passed them every few seconds, and the view of the beautiful night sky. Vic had to use every ounce of self-control he had to keep himself from staring at Kellin's flawless features. Just having the other man next to him drove him crazy.

"Hey, Vic..?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you?"

"Good." Vic said shortly, dreading the questions he knew Kellin was going to ask, because that was just what Kellin always did. He cared about other people. And if Vic showed any signs of sadness or any other negative feeling, Kellin would do everything to make him feel better. It didn’t matter if he had to buy him an entire bucket of ice cream and a large bottle of coke, Kellin would do it. That was one of the things that caused Vic to fall in love with him, but he hated it all the same. Kellin was just a generally perfect human being. He was caring, astonishingly beautiful, and he had a heart of pure gold. And Vic, well, Vic was Vic. Victor Vincent Fuentes. Nothing more, nothing less. He wasn't special, nor was he worth taking another look at or worth getting to know. He valued himself as high as a tiny peck of dust that you just brush under the carpet when you're too lazy to clean thoroughly.

"You seem so distant all the time." Kellin said after a few moments. "Did I do anything? Did anyone else do anything? Did the fans do anything? If anyone did anything I swear to God I'll pu-"

"Kels, please shut up.." Vic pleaded, laughing bitterly. "Nothing's wrong, trust me."

"Don't you think I notice when something's wrong?" Kellin asked and poked Vic on the top of his nose. Vic laughed and punched Kellin across his chest in a playful manner.

"Shut up." Vic repeated, earning a challenging look from the other man.

"Make me." Kellin whispered with a smirk that soon grew into a full blown grin. Vic smiled and shook his head at his childish friend. Despite his feelings toward Kellin that kept pulling him down into that dark abyss of anxious and gut wrenching thoughts, he felt much happier when Kellin was around. It was something about his presence, like he had some kind of aura that spread happiness and joy wherever he went.

”I’m getting a bit cold,” Vic said and pointed at the ladder that led down from the roof, ”I think I’m gonna take a shower or something.”

”Oh, okay.” Kellin replied, and Vic may have imagined it, but he thought he saw the other man’s face fall a little.

”I’ll see you tomorrow, Kels.” Vic said as he started to climb down to the solid parking lot ground. He glanced at the roof and the pair of Toms that dangled off the egde before walking back inside. The warmth of the bus was welcoming, and his bunk almost beckoned him over. But instead of burying himself under the covers as he wanted to, he grabbed a pair of clean boxers and a shirt from his bag and entered the bathroom. Locking the door with a silent ‘click’, he glared at his reflection in the mirror above the sink. His hair was greasy and the blue rings under his eyes were dark and horrible. He hated his appearence. He utterly hated it, no matter how many girls who kept telling him how perfect he was. He couldn’t believe a single word they told him, because he knew he wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t even decent. He was just.. Nothing.

”I cannot spend another night in this home, I close my eyes and take a breath real slow..” he sang quietly, stepping into the shower. ”The consequence is if I leave I’m alone, but what’s the difference when you beg for love?”

When he finally pulled the soft cover over his head, Vic couldn’t close his eyes. They burned with unshed tears that threatened to fall over in any minute. His mind kept replaying pictures of Kellin and his daughter, and his wife. He was in love with a married man, for God’s sake! He felt sick with guilt, that he even dared to think about Kellin like that. He pulled at his wet hair in frustration. He shouldn’t even be allowed to live.

”Night guys!” Mike called from his bunk. ”We got a show tomorrow!”
Vic sighed and closed his eyes, allowing a tear to slip down his cheek. He didn’t wipe it off, because why bother when you end up screwing everything over? Then he remembered the lighter he kept in the front pocket of his jeans. It had been a while since he had used it. He needed a release. He reached out from his bunk and dug into the pockets of his jeans, feeling the cold metal against his fingers. Feeling slightly guilty, he closed the curtains around himself and curled up in the far corner of his bunk. Slowly, hesistantly, he flicked the lighter and watched in anxious fascination as the flame rose up, licking the air around him. He took a deep breath and held it against his wrist, allowing the heat to spread through his arm. It burned with an intesity that he had missed after months of being clean.

”Fuck..” he hissed and extinguished the flame, throwing the lighter to the back of his bunk. He looked down at his wrist and the red, sore skin. He frowned and laid down, starting to regret his action.

”Hey, dude!” Tony greeted as Kellin walked onto the bus, early in the next morning. Kellin nodded at him and fist bumped him and the rest of PTV.

”Where’s Vic?” Kellin asked, eager to meet his best friend. Mike pointed at the only bunk that was still had its curtain closed, and Kellin made his way over. He pushed the curtain aside and looked down at Vic’s sleeping body. He caught himself smiling at the sleeping man, and he felt very creepy to say the least. He bent down and shook Vic’s shoulder softly as he sat down at the edge of the bed.

”Vic?” Kellin whispered, brushing a few strands of hair from Vic’s forehead. ”Victor!”

”Fuck off..” Vic groaned, and slapped Kellin’s hand away. Kellin laughed, but his laughter caught in his throat as he noticed a red blister on his friend’s wrist. He hadn’t seen it the night before.

”What’s that?” he asked as he grabbed Vic’s wrist. He could tell from Vic’s face that it hurt. ”Victor Vincent fucking Fuentes?!”

”I-I.. I, uh..” Vic stammered, avoiding Kellin’s gaze. Kellin sighed and squeezed down next to Vic, closing the curtain around them.

”If you did that to yourself, I swear to God I’ll..” Kelling started, and Vic’s heart broke as tears formed in his eyes.

”You were doing so good, Vic! Why?!”

Kellin waited desperately for an answer from Vic, who cried silently beside him, but when he kept quiet, Kellin ripped the curtain open and stormed toward the door.

”I’m fucking done with him!” he yelled at Mike, who was shocked at the sight of the furious, sobbing
singer. ”Take care of your fucking psycho brother!”

”Kellin, what’s going on?” Mike asked, but the only response he got was the door that slammed into his face.

”Vic?!” Mike yelled, looking at his brother who had followed Kellin out from his bunk. Vic was trying his best to keep himself together, but when Tony embraced him in a soft hug, he broke down and fell into Tony’s arms. His body shook as he cried. Kellin had called him a psycho, and left him. He never thought his best friend could do something like that. Kellin had been Vic’s support when he was at the rock bottom, the only person except his brother he could talk about anything with, and now he had insulted him and left him because of a relapse.

”What happened, Vic?” Mike asked with a voice filled with nothing but concern. Vic shook his head and tore Tony’s arms off of him, before throwing himself into his bunk again. He screamed into his pillow and punched his fist into the wall, feeling the last traces of happiness leave him. His knuckles burned with numbing pain, and he felt like he had swallowed three litres of sand. He was in no way playing tonight, not with Kellin atleast. He never wanted to see Kellin again. But the problem was, he couldn’t stand being apart from him.

”Hey, guys, we’re Pierce the Veil and we’re gonna fuck this place up!” Vic yelled into the mic, smiling as the crowd went nuts. ”Choke, tried to wash you down with something strong. Tried, but the tasted of blood remains.”

Vic closed his eyes and swallowed thickly, feeling the adrenaline pulse through his veins. He felt amazing, as if nothing could ruin that moment. But he was so, so wrong. He looked down at the set list, and of-fucking-course. King For a Day. In the corner of his eye he saw Kellin run out on the stage, looking absolutely gorgeous in his skinny jeans and tank top. Vic cleared his throat, telling himself he had to do this, for the fans.

”Here’s my boy Kellin from Sleeping With Sirens, but I guess you all know him.” Vic said and forced himself to laugh. ”Okay, let’s go!”

”Dare me to jump off of this Jersey bridge!”

”I bet you never had a friday night like this!”

”Keep it up, keep it up let’s raise our hands!”

”I take a look up in sky and I see,”

”Red for the cancer, red for the wealthy, red for the drink that’s mixed with suicide!”

Vic managed to hold himself together for the rest of the show, but when he fell down against the wall backstage he let everything out. Just as he had done earlier. The sweat on his cheeks mixed with the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned his forehead against them in a half hearted try to calm himself down. You’re worthless, the voice in his head kept telling him, pushing him down, taunting him. You could never be good enough for Kellin, that’s why he left you like that.

”Shut up, shut up, shut.” Vic cried, punching his skinny legs with his clenched fists. He couldn’t do this anymore. He had nothing to live for anymore. He was just a worthless piece of shit, and everything nice anyone had ever done to him was done out of pity. He knew that now.

”Vic.”
Vic froze. He would recognise that voice anywhere. Soft, feminine. He looked up and met Kellin’s blue eyes.

”I-I’m sorry.” Kellin said and reached out a hand for Vic to take as he used his other hand to scrath the back of his head. ”I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I’m just so worried about you.”

”I don’t need your pity.” Vic snapped and stood up, ignoring Kellin’s hand that soon fell back to his side.

”Can you please tell me what’s wrong?” Kellin asked, wiping a single tear from his cheek. Vic snorted.

”How can you be so oblivious?”

”Maybe because you don’t talk to me anymore! How am I supposed to know stuff about you when you’re avoiding me all the fucking time?!”

”Maybe I don’t bother putting my energy into a married father because you’ll never love a fuck-up like me!”

After that sentence left Vic’s mouth, everything stopped. Kellin just stood there, paralyzed, as Vic had started to cry again.

”See?” Vic sniffled, removing the snapback on his head. ”You’re disgusted just by the thought of-”
Kellin’s hand collided with Vic’s face with a loud smack. Vic’s hands flew up to cover the skin that already blossomed with a red mark in the shape of a hand.

”You’re not a fuck-up!” Kellin burst out. ”You’re an idiot. Sorry ‘bout the cheek..”

”I don’t understand you, Kels.” Vic said in a defeated tone, throwing his arms out in desperation. Kellin took the chance to slide his arms around Vic’s waist, and buried his face in his neck. Vic hugged back, though a bit confused, but it felt more than fantastic to have Kellin so close.

”Of course I love you, Vic.” Kellin mumbled, pulling Vic impossibly closer by the fabric of his shirt. Vic sighed and pushed him away. Kelling looked at him with nothing but hurt in his eyes. Vic felt sick with guilt, but he couldn’t take it.

”You don’t understand, do you?” he said and walked off, leaving Kellin behind. Just like Kellin had left him.

Kellin lied awake in his bunk, drumming his fingers against his bare chest. Vic wouldn’t leave his mind. Kellin had denied his feelings for the Mexican for as long as they had known each other, but he had finally accepted that he felt more than friendly feelings whenever Vic was near. Vic didn’t even have to be near him, to be honest, because he was on Kellin’s mind all the time. He felt so bad, though, pretending to love his wife when his heart belonged to Vic. And that’s why he got so upset when he noticed that Vic relapsed. He couldn’t stand seeing the man he loved hurting himself. Kellin kept replaying Vic’s words from earlier in his head. He couldn’t understand what had made him so upset. ”You’ll never love a fuck-up like me.” Was that it? But it couldn’t be, Vic knew Kellin loved him. Atleast as a friend. Kellin knew he couldn’t get his hopes up, that maybe, maybe Vic felt the same. But, he decided to give it a shot. He didn’t know if it was the best of ideas, but his sleep deprived brain seemed to think so. He tried to avoid hitting his head as he crawled out from his bunk and made his way through the dark bus. He felt the door handle against his fingers and opened the door. He walked out in the cold air and shivered violently, but he guessed he had to blame himself. He was only in his boxers after all. After the short run over to the PTV bus, Kellin knocked on the bus door. He saw the lights turn on, and after a few seconds a drowsy Jaime threw the door open. He rubbed his tired eyes as he looked down at Kellin.

”The fuck?”

”I need to talk to Vic.” Kellin explained as Jamie skeptically eyed his half naked body. Jamie shrugged and walked back inside. When over a minute had passed, Kellin figured that Vic refused to see him, but just as he was about to walk back to his own bus, Vic showed up on the door step. He was wearing boxers and a tank top, and he looked ridiculously attractive despite his sleepy state. Kellin waved awkwardly, to which Vic tilted his head slightly to the left, obviously wondering what Kellin was doing there in the middle of the night.

”I think I understand, but if I’m wrong I’m gonna look like such a fool,” Kellin explained and waited for Vic to nod before he continued, ”so here we go. Did you mean that I’d never love you in that way? Like.. More than friends?”

The blush on Vic’s cheeks gave him away immediately. Kelling smiled and dragged Vic off of the bus by the hand, stopping when they were in a safe distance from any eaves dropping band members. He still hadn’t let go of Vic’s hand, and it made the Mexican blush even more.

”What are you do-” Vic started, but Kellin cut him off by pressing their lips together. Vic froze until he realised what was happening, and forced his lips to move. Kellin tasted like coffee and toothpaste, and his lips were so soft and gentle against Vic’s own. Kellin pulled away as he threaded his fingers through Vic’s hair, smiling at the beautiful man in front of him.

”Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Kellin asked, looking into Vic’s brown eyes. Vic was speachless. He couldn’t comprehend what was going on. Had Kellin felt the same all along?

”Kels, you.. You don’t just tell your best friend that- that you’re in love with them.” Vic said quietly, blushing underneath Kellin’s intimate gaze. ”Well, I guess I did now b-but, you know..”

”You’re an idiot. A very beautiful idiot.” Kellin said with a content sigh before pressing a light kiss to Vic’s nose. Vic shook his head and wrapped himself up in his own arms. Kellin moved his hands to Vic’s waist and pulled him close, singing quietly into his ear.

”How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, ‘cause I could sing you a song. But I don’t think words can express your beauty. It’s singing to me, how the hell did we end up like this? You bring out the beast in me.”

Vic’s eyes started to get teary as Kellin sang to him in his beautiful voice, and Kellin noticed it. He pressed their lips together again, but only for a few seconds.

”I fell in love, from the moment we kissed..” he half sang, half giggled. Vic’s insides went warm and neither of the two men had ever felt happier.

”You have to promise me one thing.” Kellin said as he caressed Vic’s cheek with his hand. ”Don’t hurt yourself ever again, okay? You know what I’ve always said, wrists-”

”-are for bracelets, not for cutting. I know.” Vic replied, sighing. Kellin nodded and brought their lips together again, softly molding them against each other. Vic’s fingers were shaking against Kellin’s lower back, and his cheeks were soaked from tears. But it was still perfect in every way to Kellin, because Vic was perfect and that was all he needed.

”You’re so beautiful.” Kellin merely whispered as he pulled away, gazing into Vic’s red rimmed eyes.
”I hope you’ll see that too, someday. But until that, I’m gonna tell you that every single day. Because you deserve it, Vic. More than anyone else.”

Vic lips were quivering so violently that Kellin thought they would fall off, but Vic was quick to bury his face in Kellin’s neck. Kellin locked his hands around Vic’s shaking torso, pressing soft kisses to the top of his head.

”I don’t deserve you.” Vic cried, choking as sobs welled up in his throat. ”I’m not good enough f-for you. I’m too fucked up.”

”You deserve everything, alright? You’re too good for me, Vic. And I promise you one thing, I will fix you. I’ll mend you, I’ll make you feel worthy of everything good in life.”

Vic looked up through the tousled strings of hair that lay across his face, at the man he was so in love with. Kellin was smiling down at him with perfect blue eyes and perfect everything.

”I promise.”

And with two small but so significant words, Vic knew everything would be okay. When things got bad, worse, and worst, Kellin would be there and support him, because that was just what Kellin always did.