Just Pizza

“I also have more scars you can’t see…..” Patrick looked down.
Patrick was deep in thought. Pete was right, very right. Pete had gone into the kitchen and made two cups of some cheap tea he got from the store and sat back down on the sofa. Patrick relaxed slightly, and scooted closer to Pete, sitting Indian style so he could face Pete head on. Pete copied Patrick and sat the same way. Patrick looked down into the steaming cup and smiled slightly. He didn’t even ask Pete for anything to drink. Pete also didn’t say anything about making tea! He just did it and brought Patrick a cup. It was all out of kindness. They sat there in silence for a while. Pete and Patrick were both focused on blowing cold air onto their steaming hot cups to cool them down. Pete eventually put his cup on the coffee table, using an old magazine as a coaster. He decided to let it cool on its own for a while on it’s own.
“Some scars are visible…” Pete looks Patrick’s arm in his. Patrick sat his cup down near Pete’s, making sure to use one of his “makeshift” coasters. Pete ran his finger lightly down the newly bandaged skin.
“Some of these scars we keep hidden….” Pete let go of Patrick’s arm and lifted his shirt slightly. He wanted to show Patrick something. Something he really never let anyone else see. He showed Patrick a long, nasty scar that was his stomach. Patrick’s eyes widened at the length of the scar. It must have been deep, and painful. Pete let Patrick have a good look at it before he put his shirt back down. Even though the scar wasn’t visible, it was hard to get the image out of his head. They sat in silence for a while more, allowing the image to sink in. Pete checked his cup to see if it was finally cool. Pete took a small sip. The drink was still hot and almost burned his tongue.
“It’s still hot! Wait a few more minutes….” Pete warned Patrick. Patrick just nodded silently, unable to get the image of Pete’s long scar out of his mind.
Pete decided to continue his philosophy.
“But most of our scars are internal… They’re memories filled with past events, self-criticism, and people who have hurt us… The words that people have said that just stick there! All the shit you have been through, those things may be over, but they continue to live inside. They cut you from the inside and create these internal scars that are hard to heal…..those scars are just as important as literal scars. They may even be more important!”
Patrick took in all of what Pete said. Patrick could see how external and internal scars coexist. They feed off one another like a pack of wild dogs until your spirit is torn to shreds. And as you wallow in self-pity, it creates more food for these wild dogs. With the self-pity comes more self-consciousness. With more self-consciousness comes less courage… and with less of all these things comes more self-destruction. A lot of people blame the ones who self-destruct, saying that they are the ones causing themselves this misery. Pete believes that isn’t the case. The environment is the problem.
Society is the problem.
If society wasn’t so harsh, there most likely wouldn’t be this vicious cycle of self-destruction.
Pete explained all of this in some poetic lecture….
Pete thought cutting was a temporary release from all the torment going on in his head. Cutting, burning, and hair pulling were a drug. Pete couldn’t go a day without it when he was younger, and that was sad… Pete hates hearing “I cut because I deserve the pain”
Because it’s wrong!
DEAD wrong.
No one deserves pain. So cutting was a drug, a coping mechanism, and a way of self-punishment for Pete.
But then another reason dawned on him…
It was to get rid of the numbness he once had….
Pete thought about his past self, and he felt terrible. He wished he could travel back in time and hug Past Pete. Tell him everything would somehow work out….
Patrick listened intently to all of what Pete had said. And he agreed mostly. That was actually how Patrick felt almost every day….
Patrick thought he was nothing… no, he KNEW he was nothing (but that was only his poor self-image talking.) and he told himself that he accepted that. Patrick believed deep down that the pain he felt was the only other emotion he could feel on a daily basis.
Other than that Patrick had felt numb to any other emotions.
Hemingway finally woke up from one of his long naps and jumped on the couch. What a lazy dog….. Hemingway made himself comfortable on Patrick’s lap and closed his eyes.
Pete took a sip from his cup and asked, “how old were you when you first…. Ya know…. Hurt yourself?”
“I t-think I w-was eight when I started….” Patrick looked down and rubbed his thumb across his bandage. “But I remember when I was little I went to like kindergarten. The teachers would complain to my mom that I was a distraction. I used to pull my hair whenever I got mad or upset when I was little. And then I first actually hurt myself when I was eight.” He could see light tints of pink seeping through as the blood started to soak through the bandage slightly. “I was just a kid…. Back then I didn’t know what I was doing, but when I actually cut my skin open, I realized exactly what I was doing. So I kept going…..”
Pete’s heart broke…. A kid, just a small kid….. Hurting him that young? Pete felt terrible, but he could relate to Patrick. They weren’t all that different…..
Patrick started to get emotional again. Hemingway seemed to sense this. He started to lick Patrick’s wrist and move closer towards him. It was almost as if Hemingway could sense that Patrick was scared or upset. Patrick took the time to look at the pup’s new collar. Patrick smiled at the name “Hemingway” written in curly letters. It was an interesting name for a dog.
“I was a very violent kid back then…. I got into a lot of dumb fights… most of them weren’t even my fault…” Pete looked into his cup and let the steam his face.
“Violence doesn’t really solve anything, but sometimes it’s the only option…. I didn’t know THAT when I was little.” Pete took a sip from his cup.
“I also would pick at my scabs a lot. I never let them heal…” Pete laughed softly at that.
“I guess I sorta grew up thinking that the whole pain thing was ok….” Pete met Patrick’s eyes.
“Y-yeah… I know what you mean…” Patrick sighed lightly.
Patrick sipped more of his tea; He fiddled with his thumbs a little bit and took another sip from his cup. The tea was smooth and sweet. Patrick tried his best to pinpoint the taste.
Apple maybe?
The scent was also warm and rich. Patrick set his cup down, allowing his mouth to cool slightly. He was still very nervous about talking to Pete, but he was also glad that he could tell him these intimate things and not worry about him making fun or not understanding. Because, Pete understood fully. His mind was open to these types of things.
“You never told me how old you were Patrick!” Pete smiled up at him and Patrick blushed lightly.
“I’m s-seventeen…” Patrick stuttered. Pete smiled.
“So, only two years younger than me.” Pete stated the obvious.
“Um…. Yeah…. G-good for you. You c-can count!” Patrick stuttered some more. His sarcasm cracked Pete up and he started to laugh.
“well I may be a high school dropout but yeah… I can count. Thank you Patrick for noticing!” Pete was happy for the mood change.
Patrick managed to laugh slightly with Pete. Pete had studied Patrick’s face a lot while they sat there. He noticed a lot more about it when they were closer. whenever he talked he would notice the way his lips moved. Something about it was very poetic. And every time Patrick got nervous he would fumble over words and his eyes would become a little bit wider. Patrick’s were striking! They were an amazing shade of blue. Patrick had big eyes as well, and it made more room for the blue to shine through. Patrick’s hair was a strawberry color and curves slightly at the tips. Yeah it was slightly messy, but it was nice. It looked like he naturally just woke up looking nice…
“Um… P-Pete…. Are you ok?” Patrick asked nervously. He bit his lip slightly, showing his nervousness.
“Yeah. I’m fine, why do you ask.” Pete laughed slightly.
“w-well, you’ve been s-staring at me…. Like…. Since I’ve b-been here….” Patrick looked away. Pete blushed lightly but wasn’t really embarrassed.
“Is there something w-wrong with me?” Patrick shook a little and turned away.
Pete smiled at him and turned Patrick’s face so he was looking at him.
“You’re eyes. I like them.” Pete said quietly. Patrick blushed.
“I like how blue they are…. They’re so deep, I could get lost in them. And it seems like I have, I’ve been constantly distracted!”
Patrick’s face was a shade of pink.
“I like your eyes t-too…” Patrick’s voice was timid.
Pete smiled and finished off his cup, he set it back on the magazine which now had a deep grey ring from the steam hitting the thin paper. Patrick finished his cup as well and Pete took the cups back into the kitchen and suddenly remembered.
He ordered a pizza.
And didn’t eat it yet.
Pete heated up a few slices from the box and brought them into the living room. He sat back down on the couch, Indian style, and placed the plate on the couch between them. Patrick looked slightly confused.
“well I ordered pizza! And I thought, might as well eat it….. here.. have some!” Pete shoved a piece in Patrick’s face.
“um… No. It’s ok…. It’s yours…. You have it!” Patrick pushed the piece away lightly, but Pete was persistent.
“c’mon. I know you’re hungry sweetie…. And I want you to eat it! C’mon, I can share…. What was that song they taught us in preschool… um… ‘Sharing is caring’? Um yeah that one! Well…. Sharing IS caring… and uh…. I just wanna share my damn pizza!” Pete laughed. “I’m used to eating it by myself…. I really want to share it with someone! It’s too much for me to eat alone!” Pete gave Patrick his best Puppy dog eyes and Patrick laughed.
“Fine.” Patrick laughed and grabbed the piece. Pete started to scarf his piece down. Patrick laughed again and started to eat his piece.