Mad World

One week has passed.
One week.
And I'm still not me.
I mean, I'm physically me, but, I'm not the same. Home-schooling is less intimidating and comfortable, therapy makes me nervous, but it all takes away the anxiety attacks.

Mikey hasn't spoken to me all week. Not since I embarrassed him by projectile vomiting all over the principal (I'm surprised no one has nicknamed me Linda Blair) and admitting to being raped. It's not like Mikey was a popular kid, but he surly didn't want to be known as "The Kid With A Gay Brother Who Was Raped And Has A Squeamish Stomach Around Principals." Frank had no problem supporting me.

After my last therapy session for the week, my therapist, Dr. Percy, spoke with Mom. Mikey came home.

"Hey." I said to him, my voice at low volume. He glared at me and idly opened the fridge door. "How was school?"

"Hell, thanks to you." he mumbled.

"Thanks for reminding me it hasn't changed."

"Go die in a hole." he spat.

"Michael, what is going on?" Mom asked after the front door was shut and Dr. Percy was gone. She caught remnants of what Mikey said. "Don't talk to your brother like that."

"Why not? He's just my brother. He's automatically the wounded kitten now that he's been raped?"

Tears welled in my eyes, but I said nothing. Didn't move. Didn't breathe. Mikey went on.

"I understand that he's went through a traumatic experience and all, but it doesn't make me want to treat him any different. I love him, but I don't love how he presented himself last week. Now, I'm getting shit for it and so is Frank."

Frank? Frank is getting taunted too? He hadn't told me any of this.

"Mikey, I am understanding that you're upset---" he cut Mom off.

"Then you should have no problem understanding that I am highly upset with my dysfunctional brother at the moment." Mikey turned to leave, but my voice stopped him in his tracks.

"How do you think I feel?!" I shouted after him. "You think I asked to be a victim of sexual assault and steal your spotlight? Because of Kaleb, I'm sick! I'm not myself. If I could go back, I wouldn't have left Frank's house that night, just to save myself from all of it. Because of Kaleb, I puke up everything I eat, I shower excessively, I can't look myself in the eyes, I can't stand to look at myself naked, and I'm now this empty shell full of anger and hate and guilt! Mikey, it's like I've died and came back with someone else's soul. An angry, filthy soul who wants nothing more than to hurt everyone and everything. I'm not ME!" I explained to him and Mom.

Mikey didn't respond at all. Mom sniffled and tried to hold back a loud cry. Mikey and I looked at her simultaneously. He just shook his head and retreated upstairs. I sighed heavily and held Mom as she cried on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, fighting back the growing anger in the pit of my stomach.

Surly Mikey knew it wasn't my fault. All rape victims feel it's their fault. And they needed people around to assure them it wasn't their fault. Rape really fucks up a person. I'm just putting that out there. And it's not fucking cool to joke about it.

Later around 8 o'clock, Frank called my cell phone and asked if he wanted to hang out and spend the night at his house. We talked to our parent's and they all agreed that it was okay. Frank's parent's would be home, but would be asleep because they had work in the morning.

Frank took me out in his car to a small hole-in-the-wall pizza parlor. He ordered two slices of vegetarian pizza with a salad and I had a single slice of pepperoni.

"Don't you want more?" Frank asked. I shook my head.

"I haven't been hungry lately." I admitted with a nonchalant shrug.

"I've noticed."

There was a silence between us. Frank stared down at my hands that were folded on the tabletop. I looked around at all the Italian-Americans eating spaghetti and pizza and canoli's. I sighed and closed my eyes, pretending my life was normal.

"Hey." Frank's voice brought me back from the facade. I looked him in his eyes. He smiled. "Don't look at me like that."

I couldn't help but smile back. "Like what?"

"Like you wish I'd drop dead. You need me." he put his hand on mine. I laced my fingers with his and smiled timidly.

"Of course I need you. More than ever right now." I replied.

"And I'll be here."

*********************************************************************
Frank and I stayed up by midnight, watching horror films from years ago. He had a lot of those. We had that in common. He and I were curled up on his bed watching "Nosferatu"; my arms around his waist and his face nuzzled in the crook of my neck. I wasn't even the least bit tired and neither was Frank and we were getting bored.

Suddenly, Frank started kissing my neck, my body automatically tensed in fear. My arms jerked from behind him to grab his arm and push him away. Frank stopped me and shushed me.

"I'm not going to hurt you, trust me." he whispered. I trusted him. I nodded and relaxed, though I was still noticeably trembling. His hand stroked my body in a calming matter as he kissed my neck more. I clenched my jaw shut and ground my teeth. His other had found mine and he laced our fingers. A sense of comfort swept across me and my trembling stopped for a moment and my jaw relaxed.

I gasped when his kissing got rougher and he moved from my neck to my mouth. It took me a while to remember how to kiss. I picked up on it after a couple seconds. So now we were just full-out swapping-spit making-out. For a while, the rage and guilt and anger disappeared and lust substituted.

Oh my, my "inner-homosexual" was back. It took over me as if I were its puppet. My hands groped his private places, my hips meshed with his in sync, and my tongue overpowered his in a heartbeat. Frank was loving this. He was moaning and panting, reminding me of the porn I watched not too long ago. In the background a girl screamed, but we ignored the movie at all costs. We were not going to miss this moment.

My heart was a metronome in my chest. My breath was being sucked out of my lungs from the vacuum of Frank's greedy kissing. He pulled away from me to catch his breath, but I quickly took that to an advantage to straddle him and start kissing him from his jaw, down to his hips, letting my lips linger at the waistband of his jeans. I looked up at Frank, he looked down at me, both of us panting like dogs in the summer sun. I crept my hand between his legs and let them go to work. Frank let me.

He tried not to shout in fear of waking his parent's. I watched as he closed his eyes, bit his bottom lip, and fought to keep quiet. I teased him for a while longer until I finally worked up the nerve to take it farther. Trying to play it cool, I idly let my hand pull at the button of his jeans. Frank's eyes opened and his surprised gaze met mine.

"Not now?" I whispered breathlessly, shaking my head.

Frank stared back for half a heartbeat, then pulled me close to him in a gentle, manly hug and kissed my head. "Not now." he whispered back.