Mad World

The next day at school was worse than yesterday. In the lunch room where everyone ate breakfast in the morning, Stacy, Kaleb, and their friends were hanging out at the table where Stacy and I usually sat. I fumed at the sight, but told myself that going over there and punching Kaleb's lights out and calling Stacy all kinds of nasty whores wasn't going to solve anything.

So I decided to isolate myself in the library. I snatched a book about some poet I'd never heard of and pretended to read it so they wouldn't kick me out. I raised my eyes to scan the room and saw the new kid in my Chem class taking his student I.D. picture. He smiled, baring all teeth and my face got real hot.

I wish I had a smile that attractive...

Wait, what---

"Hey!" someone stage whispered. I snapped out of my inner thoughts and saw Frank coming toward me. He sat across from me, trying not to wrinkle his neatly pressed uniform. "I hate dressing like this." he mumbled. I chuckled and shook my head. My face burning more and more. "What're you reading?"

I looked at the cover and shook my head. "I honestly don't know or care." I replied, closing the book and putting it back on the shelf.

"Everyone here is stuck-up. I hate it." Frank said.

"Then why're you here?"

"Dad got transferred and here I am. The worst school in the world. Sucks even worse because..." he paused and thought about what he was going to say. "I have no friends."

"I'll be your friend, man." I replied.

His face reddened and he was struggling not to smile. My face burned again and my heart raced. I couldn't stop staring at him...

Uh-oh. I've tried so hard to get rid of these feelings all through middle school. This was the doing of my "inner-homosexual", I like to call it. I hate hiding these feelings. I've been battling them for years and Stacy was there to drive them away. And now that she's gone...

They're back again...

"Gerard?" Frank's voice once again dragged me away from my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"We have to go. Classes are about to start."

I looked at the clock. He was right. I had to start making my way upstairs and to the French room on the north side of the school. I gathered my stuff and stood. Frank and I said our goodbyes and proceeded to our classes. My inner-homosexual told me I couldn't wait to see him again in Chemistry. I began mentally beating myself up for failing to get rid of my inner-homosexual, but it just added to my negative thoughts about Stacy.

Think happy thoughts, my grandma would've told me if she were still living.

Oh great. Now that I was thinking about her, it added on to my horrible emotions. I held back tears and trudged on to class.

Think happy thoughts.
Think happy thoughts.
Think happy thoughts, Gerard.
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, GERARD!

"Gerard!" Mrs. Perish called my name to get my attention. My head snapped up from my blank notebook paper. "Are you working?"

I looked at the board and then her and nodded. I began absently copying what she had projected. My brain dwelled on the thought of Stacy the slut bucket and my dead grandma. Oh, and Frank. That damn kid. He was the cutest thing, but, I hated that he's triggered my inner-homosexual. It was my fault. All my fault. I blamed myself for being attracted to men. I was attracted to women just as much, but it was blasphemous to love among the same gender.

And I was a sinner. I'd just never admitted it to anyone except for myself. And I shunned myself. Every waking day of my life. I wasn't meant to have these feelings. I was a horrible, gross freak that would never be accepted by society or even my own family.

I was attracted to men.
And women.
And that was just wrong.
Think happy thoughts and it'll all go away.

Finally I was in Chem class after several hours of waiting. Frank took a seat beside me just like yesterday. Except today, I was going to fake being in a better mood. Frank said hello to me, his face growing a pink tint. My heartbeat quickened for a second and my stomach filled with butterflies.

Think happy thoughts, Gerard.

But I couldn't.
I was attracted to men.
I was attracted to Frank.