Mad World

Back at school I took a quick glance at the clock and noticed I was 25 minutes late to my first class. I huffed a sigh and trudged to the attendance office to get a tardy slip. They marked it as unexcused.
Great.
But, I wasn't going to let that get in the way of my good mood I'd put myself in. Because today was the day I was emerging from my turtle shell.

Meeting up with Gerard at lunch, I asked him to have lunch with me at my house. He silently nodded and gave a timid closed-mouth smile. My heart raced more and more and my head was making me remember Jace. His heart-wrenching words burned into my memory.
Gerard wasn't Jace.
The heart overpowers the head.
And my heart was telling me it was time to come out of the closet once again.
If I ever expected to be with Gerard, I had to stop cowering.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked Gerard as we walked through the front door. My two dogs jumped off the couch and greeted us. Gerard giggled and sat on the floor to interact with them. I smiled at him and raided the pantry. "We've got Ramen Noodles, snacks, cakes, lactose-free ice cream, salad mix...Anything you like?"

"Um, I'm not really hungry." he said as he looked up at me and shrugged a shoulder indifferently. I let the pantry door close on its own and sat beside Gerard.

"So," I began, clearing my throat. "I had something important to tell you about. But I need your full support." I tried saying without showing an ounce of the uneasiness I was feeling. Gerard just put a hand on my shoulder and nodded.

"I promise I won't judge you about what ever it is." he replied.

I took in a deep breath, gave a breathless chuckle, and stared ahead of me at nothing in particular. "I'm...gay and I have a crush on you."

Gerard said nothing.

"The last time I told someone this, he was totally disgusted with me and avoided me. And he was my best friend for three years." I went on. "I thought maybe you felt the same way and would understand. I could be wrong. Maybe I misinterpreted your body language, but, something inside me told me you'd understand."

He still kept silent.

"I guess I'm just trying to tell you how much you mean to me. I can't stop thinking about you since I met you, even though you were having a bad day. Kaleb and his goons practically kidnapped me today, harassing me and threatening you, but I stood up for us. For once, I stood my ground against the bigger man and came out more than alive. And it was all because of you. You did this to me."

Now I was just rambling. Gerard still hadn't said anything and I was beginning to regret everything I'd just said, my heart pounding at mad speed.

"Gerard, please say something before I cry." I pleaded with a nervous laugh.

Gerard still didn't say anything. He just slowly leaned in and I automatically responded.
My heart almost burst in my chest cavity.

He kissed me slow at first, but when I kissed back, he was more urgent and forceful. I broke the kiss and pressed my forehead to his.

"I'm not understanding." I whispered. Gerard breathlessly giggled and kissed my pierced nose.

"The feeling is mutual, Frankie." he whispered back to me. "You're all I think about. Ever since I met you."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and straddled his lap. He didn't push me away or call me a fag. He linked his arms around my waist and held me closer. I looked down at him and kissed him again, softly though. Gerard eagerly kissed back innocently. He didn't shove his tongue in my mouth or bite me. He and I were timid about it.

"What should we do for the next 30 minutes?" Gerard asked, his lips touching mine.

A euphoric feeling of relief washed over me. Like I had shed off the dark, cloudy, cramped skin of the old Frank Iero.
Now I was free.
Free to move.
Free to speak.
Free to love and be loved.
I liked this new feeling.

As I absently thought about how I was going to change the direction my life was going in, I noticed Gerard had his middle finger on my face, tracing the contours and structure of my bones. I blushed and looked away from him. I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Is this what it felt like to be happy and in love?
Was I in love with Gerard?