Mad World

He's mine.
He is finally mine.
To hold,
To protect,
To love.

Ever since he came out to me, he was a whole new person. He talked more and wasn't afraid to tell me about himself. He told me more about this friend he had. Frank had told his friend Jace that he was gay, hoping Jace would accept him as his friend.

And Jace turned his back on Frank. Just like any other ignorant bastard would. Not that I understood Frank's pain. I did, though, understand how scary it is to come out to people you're close to. I've never told anyone...

Walking home from Frank's house Saturday night, I couldn't stop thinking about what a great time I had. Meeting his parent's, whom he'd told about us. They were so accepting. I really hope my parent's were just as accepting.

Suddenly, someone jumped out of the shadows and smothered my face with a rag that smelled of strong chemicals. Then everything went black.

When I finally came to, I knew something was very wrong and I was in for a whole lot of trouble.

"You're awake!" a guy trilled in a fake girl voice. "What's happenin', fag?" Kaleb's face finally came into view when my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the night. He was leaning over me and I noticed the position I was in.

My wrists were bound and tied to the door grip. I was on my back, my legs open and my pants pulled down to my ankles.

I looked Kaleb in the eyes and burst into tears.

"Oh, God, please no!! Kaleb, no, please! Don't do this! Oh, God, I'm sorry!" I begged, panicking more than I've ever panicked in my life.

Kaleb slapped a hand over my mouth, pulled out and object and pressed it to my forehead. There was a loud, eerie click and I squeezed my eyes shut.

"You're gonna shut the fuck up and take it like a man, or I'm gonna blow your fucking brains out all over the windows and seats of this truck. Do you understand?" His breath stank heavily of malt liquor. I cried and slowly nodded. He uncovered my mouth and smiled. "Maybe now you regret being such a little whiny bitch about Stacy dumping you. I'm gonna make you really hate being a little fag. God doesn't want people like you here, and neither do I."

"Please, Ka--" I was cut off when he smacked the butt of the pistol to my mouth. I bit my bottom lip and tongue as it impacted, tasting blood instantly. I blinked away stars and inhaled sharply, choking on my blood. I coughed and hacked, turning my head to the side to spit out the blood when Kaleb wasn't looking. Good. Now I had blood shed, evidence that I was there when I report him later for kidnapping me.

Now was the scary part...

Kaleb had his pants off and was once again on top of me, but was just laughing at me.

"I will traumatize you to the point where you'll never look at men the same way again." he slurred.

And before I could respond, he thrust himself inside me. I cried out and wept like a scared child. I tried to pull away, but shifting made it hurt worse. Kaleb grunted as he slid his cock out and shoved it back in. As he repeated with rhythm, I just laid back and silently cried. There was no stopping it. No resisting. No running away.

In that moment of pure horror, I was filled with rage. Soul-shattering, fiery rage. I was drained to the point where I didn't want to feel anything.

I stared at the roof of the truck, wishing I was somewhere else.
I could be with Frank.
Not here.
Not here.
Not here...

I gripped the leather panel on the door has Kaleb picked up speed. I didn't make a sound. I didn't show him how much it hurt me. I didn't wince or flinch. I just stared and let my mind wander to a happier place.

The rage inside me built.
I was angry.
I hated Kaleb.
I hated Stacy.
I hated life.
I hated God most of all.

I hated God for letting this happen to me. Why did he let this happen to me? What did I do wrong?

Kaleb was close to a climax. I tried to ignore his grunts and moans. I didn't want to acknowledge his existence any longer. I wanted to block him out of my happy place with Frank and Mikey and our parent's. I tensed as he sped up. I wasn't aroused at all. I was disgusted, hurt, emotionally empty, sick, and lost.

Where was my God? Why hadn't he delivered me from evil yet?

Kaleb collapsed, panting and slowly pulling himself out of me.

"Pull you're fucking pants up and get the fuck out of my truck." Kaleb said, cutting my binds and rolling off of me.

I scrambled out of the truck, tripping over my pants and falling on my knees. I could feel blood trickling down my legs from where he had penetrated my anus harshly. I quickly got to my feet and yanked my pants up. I looked back at Kaleb who was buckling his belt.

"Get the fuck outta here!" he shouted in his Jersey accent.

I didn't hesitate. I ran. I knew exactly where I was and where I needed to go. I slowed my running to a swift power-walk and kept my head down. I pulled my hood over my head and stared at my feet. I sniffled and cried a little more.

Now I was in a state of shock. I almost couldn't register what had just happened because it seemed so unreal. But what I'd felt was very real.

I'd just been raped.

I couldn't believe it. You never realize how horrible it is when you see or hear reports of it. And then it happens to you and you're just in shock and in a state of realization that this can happen to anyone. This is a very horrible feeling. I was a victim of rape. I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

I guess it took time to sink in.

When I arrived home, there were two cop cars out side in the driveway and on the curb. I ran inside and halted when I saw Frank and his parent's sitting at the dining room table with Mom, Dad, Mikey and three cops.

"Oh, my baby boy!" Mom exclaimed, clearly in hysterics. I looked passed her shoulder as she hugged me at Frank, who'd been crying as well.

Are you okay? he mouthed.

I slowly closed my eyes and hugged Mom back as tightly as I could. I inhaled her scent and remembered my childhood. She smelled like this my entire life. This was my mother.

A hand landed on my shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Dad was at my side, his eyes red and wet with tears. I let go of Mom and hugged him now, inhaling his familiar scent. This was my father.

They were my innocence. My childhood.

The cops asked me some questions and I answered every one truthfully. Everyone was forced to wait outside as they questioned me. I made sure I gave them every single detail I remembered. Kaleb was going to hell. He's thrown me into a fiery pit of hell already. Left me soulless. And now I made sure he came out just as empty.

When the cops left, Frank ran to me. My parent's smiled and stared. I'm assuming Frank and his parent's told my mom and dad. Good. They deserved to know. Frank led me to the den room, away from everyone. He cradled me in his arms, which I'd noticed for the first time was covered in tattoos. No wonder he always wore long sleeves.

"Baby, I need you to tell me what happened." Frank whispered to me. I timidly shook my head. "Why not?" His eyes welled with tears and his voice shook. I shook my head again. "You have to tell me what happened to you. Where were you?"

"Told me not to tell." I replied in a raspy voice. I really wanted to crawl into a cramped, dark hole and sleep for the rest of my life. Dream the horrors away. Dream away all the ugly of this world.

"Who told you not to tell?"

"Cops."

"Fuck the cops, Gerard, I'm your boyfriend. Tell me." he pleaded. His arms tightened around me. I just sat there, staring vacantly at the wall. Frank's tears were absorbed by my hoodie and his sobs shook me gently. I absently shook my head and inhaled deeply.

This world is dark.
Filled with monsters.
Monsters filled with festering hatred.
Monsters cloaked with skin to blend in with the mundane.
Seeing them unsheathed as their true form can be enough to realize
The world is such an ugly place...