And Then There Was You

“Oh my god.” Louis whimpered into Harry’s neck as the sinister music became louder. This film that Harry had wanted to watch was horrible and Louis was about to do something in front of Harry he would regret. Like wet himself or cry. He hated scary movies but Harry seemed to really enjoy him and he didn’t want to disappoint Harry.

“Alright?” Harry chuckled, looking down at Louis who was now wrapped around Harry like a hopeless monkey. He felt like one. For the duration of the film he had his head buried in Harry’s neck, not watching the screen at all. And on the rare occasion he did look up, he regretted it.

“I’m fine.” Louis grumbled. Harry laughed again and picked up the remote from the side of him, and clicked the television off. Louis looked at him, confused. The movie wasn’t even half way over.

“You said it would be alright to watch it.” Harry said, raising an eyebrow at Louis. He nodded vigorously at Harry, who just gave him an unimpressed look, obviously not buying it.

“Well. You like scary films, so.” Louis said in way of explanation. Harry sighed and smacked Louis lightly across the arm. “Ow.” Louis said weakly. He was honestly too exhausted from watching the film to put of a fight about anything.

“But you don’t.” Harry said. It wasn’t a question because it was very obvious to anyone that Louis did not like scary films. “You could have just said that you didn’t want to watch it. There’s plenty of other things we could have watched.”

“Well I didn’t want to spoil your fun.” Louis told Harry with a sheepish smile.

“That’s really nice. But you seriously don’t need to do that. I’m not going to break up with you because you don’t want to watch a scary film with me.” Harry said, patting Louis on the knee. “Even if that was my favorite.”

“That was your favorite? Why didn’t you say so! I would have watched it.” Louis replied, suddenly feeling distressed.

“I was just teasing, god Louis, what’s got you so bent out of shape?” Harry asked him. Louis just shrugged and tried not to look at Harry.

It was just that everything was so new and he was so worried that Harry would realize that Louis wasn’t really anything that he deserved. It’s only been two weeks and Louis felt more unworthy with each passing day. He wasn’t as open as Harry, or as smart, or as kind. He was just plain old Louis and he didn’t want Harry to see that. He didn’t want Harry to realize how much better he could do because Louis liked where they were, and he didn’t want it to end.

“I don’t know.” He finally said.

“It doesn’t matter if we don’t like the same kind of films. This is good to know. I now know something new.” Harry said, lacing his fingers through his. God, he loved when Harry did that. “We can do something else. I really could care less. I just like being here with you.”

“If you want to watch the film, please do. I want to do things that you like.” Louis said, motioning to the TV.

“I like doing a lot of things. And I don’t want to do something if you aren’t going to have a good time. I’m not some dick who always has to have his way, jeez.” Harry laughed, standing up from the couch and pulling Louis with him.

“Where are we going?” Louis demanded, letting himself be dragged up by Harry. He only smiled at Louis coyly and started leading him towards his bedroom. Louis’ stomach erupted into butterflies at the smile. It was innocent and naughty at the same time. What ever happened to that boy who could barely form coherent sentences in front of him?

“We’re going to do something I think we’ll both enjoy.” Harry said, pushing the door open and guiding Louis through. Louis couldn’t help but smile as Harry brought their lips together in a gentle kiss. Yes. Louis definitely would enjoy this just as much as Harry. If not more.

~~~

Louis was tucked away in his favorite private practice room on a lovely Thursday morning. Usually he wouldn’t say that mornings are lovely, but Harry had texted him that morning and told him that he was excited to see him that night, and that made Louis’ whole day better almost instantly.

Louis thought that he should be worried about the things Harry made him feel. It was all too much too soon, but Louis couldn’t help it. Nothing about being with Harry made him worry. He felt safe and cared about when he was with him and there were absolutely zero red flags. Harry just made everything better by existing.

His first solo performance in four years was tomorrow night and he couldn’t even be nervous because Harry had told him he would be great. Harry was the only one keeping him sane through all this. But there was something nagging at him, something that made the prospect of this whole ordeal this most horrific. Knowing Nick was going to be in the audience, waiting for him to mess up was enough to make him want to throw up all over again.

All these thoughts swirled around his head as he ran through his warm up scales. It hardly took any thought at all and this is when he allowed his mind time to wander. He was in the middle of his favorite arpeggio when the door opened behind him, interrupting his playing. His bow disconnected from the strings, making an unpleasant shrieking noise.

“You never really were one for concentration, were ya?” Nick said in that snide tone he always seemed to have these days. Louis blood ran cold at the sound of his voice. He didn’t need <i>him</i> here to mess with his head. Not now.

“What are you doing here?” Louis said through clenched teeth, not turning around to greet him properly. He tried to keep his body tense, but he felt his hands shaking much to his dismay. He hated the power that Nick still had over him.

“Saw you had this room booked. Thought I’d stop by.” Nick replied. Louis heard his footsteps approach him, and nearly fainted when he felt Nick’s hand on his shoulders. He was still behind him, but Louis still refused to turn around. His eyes were focused on his shoes.

“Why?” Louis all but squeaked.

“I love that I still make you nervous, babe.” Nick chuckled, not moving his hands. Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose.

“Nick.” Louis said weakly, silently begging him to leave him alone. To finally stop torturing him after all these years.

“Oh come on, Louis.” Nick said, his fingers slipping underneath the collar of his shirt and spreading out. He used to do it all the time and Louis used to go crazy for it. But now it just made his skin crawl. “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about me. I know you have.”

“I don’t.” Louis demanded, his voice wavering.

“Well I think about you. And those delicious noises you used to make as I fucked you into the mattress.” Nick purred into his ear. “You were such a little slut for it, weren’t you?”

“Please.” Louis whimpered, trying not to let the tears that were burning in his eyes fall out.

Nick always made him feel this way. He made him feel dirty and useless. He made him feel like nothing. And Louis was young and stupid when Nick pretended like he cared, and Louis let him walk all over him. That’s all Nick ever did. He just used him and then reminded him in the worst ways that he was only good for the sex.

Louis couldn’t stand being so weak. Especially after all this time. All that time he had spent trying to get his self esteem back, trying to forget the way Nick completely tore him down until he was just an empty shell begging to be loved. He thought he was better, but being here with Nick so close to him, playing those stupid mind games, he was the same worthless, desperate boy he’d always been.

“I love it when you beg.” Nick murmured into his ear, then bit at Louis’ earlobe a little too hard for it to be even remotely sensual. Louis yelped and finally tried to pull away. Nick wouldn’t have it though.

“Don’t pretend like you want to play hard to get. I know how desperate you are for it.” Nick hissed, tightening his grip. Louis bit his lip, trying not to sob. “What is it you want to hear this time, kitten? That you’re pretty? That I care about you?”

“Stop, Nick. Please stop.”

“Why? Who else it going to want you?” Nick scoffed, reaching around Louis and pulling his instrument from his hands. Louis wanted to demand that he give it back, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but pray that Nick would leave soon. When Louis’s hands were free, Nick crouched down in front of him, grabbing his chin roughly. “You’re so fucking ugly when you cry, Louis. Why do you cry like that? Don’t you remember what I told you about crying?”

Louis couldn’t reply. He could only whimper and nod shallowly. Of course he remembered what Nick told him about crying, how could he forget? Everything Nick ever said to him was seared into his memory, a constant reminder of why he was so useless.

“Well?” Nick said, forcing Louis to look directly in his eyes. They were dark, like they always used to be when Nick got like this. Dark and delighted at the same time. Like he got some sick enjoyment from making Louis feel so worthless. “You answer me when I ask you a question, Louis.”

“I m-makes me look like a bitch.” Louis finally managed out, trying to keep his voice even.

“That’s right.” Nick said, rubbing his thumb across his cheek to catch a tear that had fallen.

Louis shook his head, trying to keep it together, but he couldn’t. He actually thought he was free of Nick. He actually thought that things were going to get better. But he was stupid to think that. There was no way to get over Nick. That just made Louis cry harder, like the little bitch Nick always made him feel like.

“Stop crying, goddamn, Louis.” Nick yelled, shoving Louis’ face away roughly. Louis curled his chin closer to his chest and slumped his shoulders, trying to make himself as small as possible. “I keep seeing you around with that Henry guy. I can’t help but worry for you. You think that he actually cares about you?”

“He doesn’t care about you, Louis. He just wants to fuck you.” Nick said menacingly to him, circling him slowly. “Not that it’s that hard to get you into bed, is it? Just one compliment and you’ll whore yourself out to anyone, huh?”

“Harry’s not like that.” Louis insisted softly, with little confidence. “He cares about me.”

“Does he?” Nick laughed loudly. “Oh so now that you’re all independent and grown up now you think you know anything? You’re still as stupid as the day I met you.”

“I’m not.”

“It’s only a matter of time before he realized how useless you are. You’re never good enough for anyone because you can’t figure out how to do things right.” Nick said. “That bloke is days away from dumping you, but I can’t blame him. You’re a mess, Louis. It’s really a wonder he’s stuck around this long.”

“Harry isn’t like that.” Louis repeated, almost desperately. Maybe once Nick would actually hear him and tell him he was right. For once, Louis wanted Nick to tell him his was right.

“Oh, Louis.” Nick carded his fingers into Louis hair, stroking at his scalp. “It’s so sweet that you think that you actually know anything. It’s a good thing you’re so pretty, because you don’t have much else going for you.”

“I—“

“Did I say you could talk? “ Nick scolded, glaring at him furiously. Louis curled up into himself again. Nick didn’t say he could talk. “I’m just being honest with you, kitten. The world is a cruel place and I’m trying to protect you from being hurt. I’ve only ever had your best interests in mind. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

“I should have never broken up with you, baby.” Nick cooed. “You’re lost without me. It’s obvious you can’t do anything right without me. You never do anything right without my help, do you?”

“I—“ Louis hesitated, shouldn’t agree with him. He knows he shouldn’t. <i>He’s right.</i> That little voice taunted in his ear.

“Do you?” Nick interrupted. “Answer me when I ask you a question! Where have your manners gone, Louis? What makes you think you can be so rude to me?

“I can’t do anything right.” Louis echoed, looking at his shoes again.

“Good boy.” Nick said, cupping his cheek. “You need to learn to let people help you, kitten. You’re much better off. You still need me, don’t you?”

Louis wanted to scream. To tell him no. He wanted to tell him to fuck off and leave him alone. But he knew better. Nick was the smart one, not him. Louis couldn’t be trusted to make a right decision. That’s why he was so lucky to have Nick in the first place. He was incapable of doing anything correctly unless Nick was there to help him.

He still needed him, right?

“Louis.” Nick warned, obviously not appreciating the pause.

“Yes. You’re right.” Louis consented. <i>Good boy.</i> That little voice sounded in his head.

“Of course I am.” Nick said triumphantly. “Now. You need to get back to work. You need to be perfect tomorrow, don’t you?”

“Yes.” He needed to be perfect. Nick had to see that he could do something right. He wrapped both of his big hands around Louis’ face and forced him too look at him. He hated when Nick did that.

“Are you going to be perfect for me, kitten?” Nick asked, his breath hot over the flushed skin of Louis’ cheek.

“I’ll try.” Louis responded obediently. Just like Nick expected of him.

“Of course you will.” Nick said with a smile. He pressed a soft kiss to Louis cheek. Louis couldn’t decided weather to keen into it or to flinch away. He keened a little, he thinks. He couldn’t help it. “Always so eager to please me. God, I missed you.”

Louis didn’t reply, because Nick didn’t ask him to. He wasn’t supposed to speak unless Nick wanted him to. That was the first rule. How could he forget Nick’s number one rule? But Nick smiled at him, pleased that he remembered.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night, I know you’ll do great.” Nick said, placing the cello back into Louis hands. Louis smiled at him shallowly, wrapping his fingers around the familiar wood. He felt less like he was spinning out of control. Nick gave him one final smile before bidding Louis goodbye and sauntering from the room.

When the door shut behind Nick, Louis felt like he could breathe again. There was something about him being around that rendered Louis completely powerless. There was this part of him that knew that Nick was right, that everything he ever said to Louis was totally true. There was a part of him that still believed that he was useless and stupid and weak. And at times like this, when Nick took over, that part of him was right. He hated being torn between taking control and giving it all up.

His phone started buzzing on the floor next to him, drawing him from his thoughts. He glanced over the caller ID and saw Harry’s wide grin illuminated in front of him. Louis stared at it for a moment before rejecting the call and watching the screen go dark. Nick was right. Harry was too good for him.

A couple seconds later, his phone lit up with a text from Harry. <b>You’re probably still in class, but there is a 2 for 1 on ice cream at the grocery store and they may or may not have vanilla and chocolate chip ;) sundaes at mine tonight??</b>

God, Harry really was too good for him.

_-_-_-_-

“So I have this gig later this week.” Niall said nonchalantly. Harry looked up at him over the guitar that he was fiddling with. Him and Niall often spent the slow days working on Niall’s music. Ad their friendship progressed, Harry felt more comfortable playing instruments and singing in front of Niall, now that he was sure he wouldn’t laugh at him.

“Cool. Where at? I’ll come check it out.” Harry said, scratching a chord into the songbook Ed had open in between them.

“The Complex on 5th. Nothing major.” Niall said with a shrug. “Anyway. I wanted to do some of the new stuff and I was hoping that I might be able to talk you into doing the gig with me.”

“What? Me?” Harry sputtered. “Why would I…I mean. Like. With you?”

“Yeah. You’ve been such a help with all of it…I just think it would be cool to have some support up there.” Niall explained, plucking absentmindedly at a string. Harry looked down at the songbook, which was a messy conglomeration of their handwritings and nonsense pictures.

“I don’t like…Do stuff in front of people. That’s why I like to be behind the scenes.” Harry explained, setting his guitar off to the side of him. “And I barely even play the guitar. You’re much better off doing this without me.”

“I really like what we sound like together, though!” Niall protested. “You sound great, and you wrote like half these songs anyway. I can’t just go up there and take credit for this.”

“Sure you can. I was just helping you out.” Harry told him with a nod.

“I know. And it’s great. But this stuff is yours too Harry. I just think that you should give yourself a little more credit. You should be proud of the things you do.” Niall said. “Sometimes I’ll play a gig, and it’ll be the shittiest place but there will be like two people there who sing along to one of my songs and its just…it’s the best feeling ever and I just think that if you work so hard on this, you should get to know what it feels like when people respond to it.”

“Just tell me where it is. I’ll come see you play.” Harry said, pushing up off the ground. He had work to do, somewhere. He couldn’t sit here and argue with Niall some more. He had this conversation with Louis all the time. He wasn’t going to change his mind.

“Harry—“

“I’m sorry, Niall. It’s just not my thing, okay?” Harry said shortly, effectively shutting him up and leaving him alone for the rest of the day.

_-_-_-_-

“Are you okay?” Harry asked him later that evening. He had come through with his promise of ice cream, and Louis stuffed himself so full he felt like he could burst. Ice cream was a horrible coping mechanism. There isn’t enough ice cream in the world to make him feel any better right now.

“I’m fine.” Louis shrugged, shoveling another spoonful into his mouth and trying to look unaffected by anything. Harry furrowed his eyebrows at him.

“You sure? You’ve been acting really weird all night.” Harry said, placing his hand over Louis’ forearm gently. “Did something happen?”

“No. God. Why do you assume something happened? I’m not some damsel in distress that needs to be taken care of ever day.” Louis snapped, ripping his arm out from under Harry’s hand. Harry gaped at him with confused eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just thought—“ Harry said, looking down at his shoes. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“No. I’m sorry. I’m just really on edge today.” Louis said. “My performance and everything. You know.”

“Yeah of course.” Harry nodded. “It’s fine. I just—You know you can talk to me, right? Like, I know I’m new to this whole relationship thing but you can talk to me. About anything.”

“I know.” Louis replied. He had done so good this past year. He finally felt like he was in control of his life, and all it took was ten minutes with Nick to forget it all. How was he supposed to move on with Harry if Nick wouldn’t leave him alone? Did he even want Nick to leave him alone? “Will you come to the roof with me?”

“What?” Harry asked, perking up at the grin that Louis was flashing him.

“I feel the sudden urge to yell expletives off of a building top. This one will have to do for now.” Louis told Harry with a smile. He was starting to feel like his old self again. There was something about having Harry smile at you that made everything okay. No matter how big you problems were, Harry about make it better.

“Yeah.” Harry quickly agreed, following Louis through the flat as he ran to the door. Liam gave them a curious look as they slipped into their coats. They offered no explanation and ran into the hall, to the staircase that would take them to the roof.

That night was spent shouting nonsense off of a rooftop. It was stupid that they were doing this, but it felt like something he and Harry could do together, it felt like their thing. This was their little secret that they could enjoy together, even if it was absolutely ridiculous. But Harry held tightly to his hand, still afraid of falling, and that made it the best thing in the world.

Maybe with Harry there he might stand a chance against Nick. Sure, Harry was too good for him, but for whatever reason, Harry cared. Louis knows Harry cares. It doesn’t matter what Nick says, he doesn’t know Harry like he does.

_-_-_-_-_-

Louis thought that his performance should have been a bigger deal than it was. But it really wasn’t. He showed up that night in his concert tux, his hair combed, with a smile on his face and the feeling that things were going to be okay tonight. He greeted the orchestra warmly, and they all wished him good luck.

He hadn’t seen Nick yet, which was a good thing. It didn’t matter how collected he felt right now, he didn’t want to take the chance of seeing Nick and reliving his horrible past all over again.

He tuned his cello, played his warm up, and took a deep breath. The orchestra set up, and took their seats. The maestro took the stage. The orchestra tuned. Louis took another deep breath. He was seconds away from being on front of the entire symphony hall, all eyes on him.

The Maestro swept his arm out grandly, welcoming Louis to the stage. This was it. He tightened his grip on his cello, put on his best smile, and stepped out into the spotlight. It felt strangely familiar. He remembered the very first time he did this. He was 8 and he felt like he was on top of the world when everyone inside Carnegie Hall clapped for him. Now, he felt like he was 8 again, all full of nervous energy and pride.

He took his seat. The room went quiet. He braved a glance at Harry, and he didn’t even think anymore. That’s all it took, knowing Harry was there. And nothing else really mattered outside of that. Not Nick’s bullshit, not his past fuck-up, not all of his stupid insecurities.

Harry believed in him right now. And that was enough to help him believe in himself.