It'll Be Your Name on My Last Breath

Once I was in my room, I just fell onto my bed. I… have no idea what came over me. Maybe I’m just having a bad day… or something. This is terrible. But… I’m so fucking pissed off… and I don’t know why!

I ended up hopping into the shower and turned the water up as hot as it would go, hoping that would help in some way. When I came out, I threw pajamas on and had all intentions of crawling into bed and sleeping until I couldn’t sleep anymore. But that plan was quickly changed once I saw Jake sitting on my bed. His back was against the headboard. Along with that, his shoes were kicked out. He sat with his legs stretched out and his arms crossed over his chest. Uh oh…

As I walked over, I kept my mouth shut. I knew that… I was in the wrong, but I couldn’t help it! I just… felt strongly about this subject and it doesn’t make me feel too god.

After I climbed under the covers, I laid and faced Jake. He looked down at me. I couldn’t read his expression. This is never a good thing. I feel bad enough! And now… he’s probably pissed off at me too.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

“I just… don’t get it,” he seemed frustrated.

“And you never will,” I muttered and rolled over, feeling tears threatening to come out.

“What? Babe,” he changed his tone now.

“Nothing.” I bit my lip to try and keep my voice strong. It cracked as I spoke that one little word though.

“Kylee,” he countered and moved closer.

“It’s nothing.”

I didn’t want to talk about it, but the fact that I was in tears right now was a huge indication that something was definitely not fine. And ever since I’ve known Jake, when he knows I’m not fine, he will stay on me until it comes out.

“It’s something. Tell me,” he softened his tone and wrapped me up in comforting arms.

As my tears poured out, I rolled over and buried my face into his firm chest. He sent me soft shushes as he rubbed my back now. It took me a while to quiet down. Once I had though, I… didn’t want to talk about it.

“What’s up with you?” he was so soft and tender with his voice still.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I sniffled.

“You’re going to talk to about it,” he was still kind, but yet still so assertive.

“Jake…” I tried to find the right words, but… none were coming out.

“Are you… pregnant? Is that why you’re acting so moody and testing these past few days?”

“No!” that was the last thing I wanted him to think… or anyone for that matter.

“Then what is it?”

I looked over at him and tried so hard. There was so much concern and care in his eyes. He’s always been sweet and caring… and honest with me. But… there’s something he doesn’t know about me… no one really knows about me. That’s what’s been eating at me lately and I’m afraid… to tell anyone. It’s such a big deal that… I might lose him or anyone else I tell if they find out.

“Do you love me?” I started, trying to convince myself.

“Of course I love you,” he was quick to reply, “And no matter what’s bothering you right now, I’m still going to love you after you tell me,” he added.

Even though I had nuzzled my face back into his chest, I believed him. I was still so scared though.

“I have… a… kid,” I pushed out, feeling my heart stop.

It didn’t help that he fell silent. I thought for a second that he had quit breathing. That’s how silent it had fallen between us. I wanted to cry all over again! I’ve never told anyone since I’ve moved to California.

“W-what?” he finally said something.

“I… have a son,” I went into a little more detail.

“Like… you gave birth?” he asked and slowly sat up, taking me with him.

“His name’s Liam… and he’s almost four,” I kept going. He might as well know it all now.

“Wait… for real?” he let go of me this time.

“Yeah,” I felt my tears come on again.

“Do you… have pictures?” his smile started to come over him.

“You really want…” I couldn’t finish. Why was he being so ok with this right now?

“Yes!” he chuckled.

With my own starting to come over me, I climbed from my bed and walked over to my closet. There was a shoebox on the top shelf that I kept everything of his in. Once I got it down, Jake came over. I took the lid off and right on top of was a picture of him and I from Christmas when I went back home to see him.

“He’s so cute,” was the first thing he said.

“He… rides,” I couldn’t help but grin.

“No way,” he was beaming.

I just nodded my head. I liked this feeling of… sharing this with someone finally. I’m so proud of my little boy, yet… no one knows about him but my family.

“So… I’m assuming there’s a back story too,” he started once I shut the box. He doesn’t need to see the stuff at the bottom.

“Yeah… if you want to hear it,” I shrugged and the put the box back.

“I always wondered why you didn’t talk too much about Kansas.”

“When I was sixteen, motocross was everything to me. College wasn’t an option. I didn’t want to go. All I wanted to do was ride, but then… I met this guy and he rode too and I just thought he was great. Right after I turned pro, I… found out I was pregnant,” I told him.

“The guy bail?” he questioned.

“Yeah, he turned pro too and I… didn’t have the heart to tell him,” I shrugged again.

Knowing it was upsetting to me, he opened his arms and let me fall into them. Before I went on, he kissed the top of my head a few times.

“My parents were supportive though. But I was so depressed. I knew I couldn’t continue with motocross and that just… hurt more than anything. I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy either. So my parents told me that if I gave them temporary custody, they would help as much as they could to get me back to racing,” I told him all.

“Wow,” he replied.

“Yeah,” I sighed.

“Why would you keep that from me?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Calyn doesn’t know either if that makes you feel better.”

“Ky!” he nearly gasped.

“That’s why… I don’t like talking too much about babies, because I feel… so shitty because I can’t be there for my own son,” I sniffled again.

“Aw, babe,” he gave me a squeeze. “Maybe once… we’re at a good place, he can come stay with us,” he went on, sending me a smile while pushing a few strains of hair out of my face.

“Really?” I didn’t want to believe any of this. He’s taking it way better than I could ever imagine.

“He seems like an awesome little dude,” he grinned.

“He is. He’s my best bud,” I smiled.

Jake let a chuckle come out of him and then kissed my lips gently. We shared a round of I love yous before he asked about Liam a little more. It was weird talking to someone about this, but… it just made me really happy for some reason. I’ve always wanted to move him out here with me, but I knew with racing it wouldn’t be an option. But now that Jake knows and could be there to help me with him one day, my hope for it is starting to grow. I really want this to happen! If anyone can help me with it, it’s Jake though. He’s always been the nicest guy that I know. I shouldn’t have hid this from him after all of these years.