Forever's Never Seemed So Long

Tracing his fingers over the raised skin on his face, Alex sobbed at his life, tears falling down his cheeks, ripping sounds from his throat. He was sitting in his bathroom, back against the counter, knees up to his face and door locked, even though he now had no one who could intrude. He felt as if he never once caught a break—seemed as if he was being forced to bend right to his breaking point, but hovering over the edge, seeing how far life could push him before he snapped.

As a child, Alex was never treated the same as others, always looked at as different, even though his mother had insisted he was just unique, and everyone wasn’t as understanding. There was a reason—Alex had been born with a disfiguration on his face, a line coming from the left part of his forehead, right above his eyebrows, around his eyes and across his cheekbones. It ended right below the bridge of his nose, leaving a pale, translucent scar-looking patch of skin behind it. His left eye was also a pale blue and filmy, he was legally blind in it, although he still had a little vision left; it seemed to be degrading as he got older. He grew his hair out through elementary school to try and hide it, but it was no use, only made him frustrated that he couldn’t get his brunette locks to sit perfectly on the disfiguration.

He never had friends through that phase of school, and thought that maybe once he moved school districts like his mom had promised, maybe people would stop fearing away from him, afraid that he was some sort of monster. Maybe he could have a fresh start.

Seventh grade was hell for him though.

If anything, people just shunned him more and he felt more isolated than ever. His mother had to work a second job to keep up with house bills, so he was alone when he got home, only hearing his mother right before he went to sleep as she came home to change clothes.

He spent his lunches in the library, seated off in the back couches, munching away on his peanut butter sandwiches, re-reading the note his mom would write him every day, over and over again, knowing at least one person in the world loved him. They made him feel better, but there was still an aching hole in his gut that no one seemed to fill, not even his own mother.

In eighth grade though, his world seemed to change drastically. On his first day, he had already been teased by a couple of people for being a ‘fag.’ There was no secret Alex was gay, and it seemed to only fuel the fire in the bullies’ heads. He still ignored it, just hoping to get through the dull day once again without feeling the need to just run away, back home. As he was seated in his first period, he was watching out the window of his classroom, waiting for the school day to start. Luckily, the window was to his right, so he could see it more clearly than if it was to be on his left. There was a tall tree, a sidewalk, and the road the school was on his view. There were some kids scurrying on the sidewalk to make it to school on time, hair messy and clothes sloppily put on.

However there was one kid who had a couple of people following him. Recognizing the ‘bullies’ of his school following the poor boy, he set his face into a frown—he was in the same position this morning. The boy was wearing a dark blue canvas jacket with his hands shoved in his pockets, dark skinny jeans, and bright white and blue sneakers. He had his head down, and his raven hair was falling in his face as he tried to ignore the taunting from the kids behind him, disregarding the small pebbles being tossed at his head. Although Alex couldn’t hear what they were saying, exactly, he felt empathetic towards the boy.

When the boy had fallen out of his vision, he simply returned back to doodling on his notebook, writing random ideas for stories on the inside cover of his writing book, hoping to get to them when he got home and decorate his walls with them, reminding him he was at least good at something.

--

At lunch on his first day, he didn’t even try to socialize or go through with the painful process of explaining his face, or ignoring the stares from people, so he instead detoured his way to the library once again, nodding at the librarian he hadn’t seen since June. He made a beeline towards the couch he always occupied, stopping in his tracks when he spotted that same boy he saw earlier in the morning sitting where he should be.

He had never been struck with this situation, so he just froze on the spot, only to jump behind a shelf when the boy looked up from his lunch.

“Hey,” Alex jumped at the voice, and ran down that aisle, away from the boy calling him, and move to the next one over. “Hey, no stop!”

‘Too bad,’ Alex thought. He wasn’t going to have anyone look at his face on the first day of school; it would just make them fear him.

They kept jumping from aisle to aisle, the raven-haired boy chasing after the brunette. They both stopped when the librarian had apparently heard the noises, coming over to investigate. She raised her eyebrows at them when they both turned to look at her. She put her index finger on top of her lips, indicating for them to be quiet, and smiling at Alex, before walking away. Before he could run away again, the dark-haired boy quickly grabbed his arm and kept Alex from running away.

“I was just wondering if you wanted my bagel, damn.” The mysterious boy was chuckling as Alex was straining slightly at the grip he had on his arm, relaxing when it was dropped. Alex’s eyes were still open wide, breathing harder with every breath as he awaited the boy to stop and gaze at his ugly disfiguration. “Dude, stop looking as if I’m going to kill you,” he stopped his sentence before smiling and shaking his head as Alex raised his eyebrows at him. “Oh, I’m Jack by the way,” the boy outstretched his hand, which Alex took and shook lightly, albeit a little hesitantly.

“Alex.”
--
They ate lunch together on that couch, munching away while Alex just took in the fact that he actually had someone who was sitting next him. He made sure that Jack was seated to his right so he couldn’t get a good glance yet. After years of being feared and alienated, someone genuinely wanted to be beside him. Jack wouldn’t stop talking, and sure, Alex had no idea what he was saying, because he honestly was still a little in shock and Jack was talking so fast it was hard to keep up with.

Alex eventually relaxed a little bit and started nibbling on the bagel he had been offered, paying attention a little more as he was reading over his mom’s note, glancing up occasionally, showing he had at least a little interest in what he was saying. However he almost choked on the last bite of bagel when Jack mentioned something about Blink-182.

“You like them?” It was the first words Alex had spoken that whole time, and Jack just laughed a little raising his eyebrows when Alex turned his whole face towards him, eyes locking.

“Yeah, I just said I did right?” He lightly punched Alex on the arm when Alex turned away, blushing. It made Jack smile, and from that moment he vowed to make the boy smile as much as he could.

The rest of the lunch period was spent with ear buds spilt between the two boys, the band filling their ears as they laughed at Jack’s stories about his first concert and promising Alex he would take him next time.

When the bell sounded, Alex was happier than ever, a smile on his face as Jack packed up his lunch, throwing away both of their trash.

“Hey do you eat here every day?” Jack questioned. Alex just shrugged and nodded as he made his way towards the door with Jack right behind him. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Jack smiled before slapping Alex on the back and running off towards his class.

The story Alex wrote that night was about Jack saving his life.

--

The next morning, Alex was anxious to say the least. What if after lunch Jack had found new friends to hang with who had actually been to concerts and had stories to talk about instead of just listening? Alex just told himself that he couldn’t get his hopes up with Jack. He was nice. He would make friends.

He opened his locker and deposited his belongings into it, retrieving his books for the first half of the day when he spotted something was out of place. Something was different. He looked down towards the shelf he had his books placed on. The green sticky note was sticking out from the bottom of one of his books. Furrowing his eyebrows, he lifted the books and took the note out, putting the books back down.

~
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You should smile more,
Because it looks good on you.
xo
~

Alex blushed, opening and closing his mouth uncontrollably, completely unaware of what he should do. Opting for not really doing anything, he pushed the note into an empty folder in his locker, before closing it and heading towards first period with his head down and crimson on his face.

He stared out the window of his English class, staring at that sidewalk where he had seen the boy—his friend—for the first time. Jack . It sounded weird on his tongue, in his mind. But it was comforting.

--

When Alex saw Jack on the couch again, he smiled and took his seat to Jack’s left. The period wasn’t awkward, and if Alex wasn’t in the mood for talking, Jack would do it for him. He could talk enough for the both of them anyways.

They days went by easier and easier, and one day, Alex even let Jack wrap his long arms around him in a hug before they left each other for the day.

When Alex went home, the only thing he could think about was Jack. So he wrote about them going on adventures and hanging out on their couches watching TV together, or them going to that Blink concert Jack promised.

Alex’s walls were filling with the words on printer paper. He smiled every night before he went to bed, happy to see his words float in the paper on the wall next to him.

The notes kept appearing in his locker and each day, they honestly made Alex feel better, only to be stuffed into the bright yellow folder in the back of his locker. Each day it was a new poem, a new anecdote, or even just a simple ‘xo’ to help him get through the day.

--

It has been a month since Jack offered his bagel, and they are inseparable.

Jack and Alex.

Alex and Jack.

They meet outside by the buses before Jack gets on his and Alex gets on his.

Jack got a cell phone and calls Alex’s home phone every night to get ‘help’ with his homework.

Alex giggles whenever Jack makes dick jokes.

Alex brings Jack the new Blink album at school.

Alex helps Jack bleach a few strips of hair and side in the school bathroom.

Jack never asks about Alex’s face.

Life is good for Alex, for once.

--

It’s a usual day in the library. They are both lying down on the couch, Jack leaning against the arm, Alex’s back on Jack’s chest.

“Hey, Lex?” Alex looks up from his mom’s note. He feels his heart swell at the nickname Jack has taken to calling him the past couple of days.

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna hang out at my place after school today?” Alex’s eyes widen. He’s never been to a friend’s house before, never had the opportunity to. He tilts his head down, looking at his and Jack’s legs so close together. He blushes profusely, thinking it over. When Alex doesn’t answer right away, Jack instantly starts mumbling about forgetting about it but Alex cuts him off.

“No Jack its ok, but I’ll have to ask my mom first,” Alex tilts his head up to Jack, giving Jack the whole view of his disfigured face. Jack doesn’t care, he doesn’t ask, and that makes Alex feel normal for once in his life. Instead, Jack smiles, instantly letting out a breath of relief.

--

Jack’s house is wonderful, its warm and his mom instantly greets Alex when he enters the burgundy interior. He smiles and greets back politely, shying towards Jack as his anxiety seeps in when Mrs. Barakat takes a second too long look at his face. He looks down and moves behind Jack as he takes Alex by the hand up the steps to his room.

Jack finds that his posters came in the mail that day, and gets Alex to help him put them up. Unfortunately, Jack has no room at all on his walls for the last one to put up. So, Alex grabs the poster and holds it against the ceiling while Jack, having the slight height advantage, tapes the corners and sides to the white background. They both sigh when they accomplish the task, looking around and admiring their work, high-fiving.

When dinner rolls around, Alex begs Jack to not eat at the table, and eat separately. Jack can’t seem to say no to his best friend, so he grabs the pizza rolls Jack requested to his mom, and pours all of them onto the plate, bringing napkins and two sodas up the steps to Alex. He helps Jack put all the food on the floor. Jack puts in a movie, his favorite, and they both eat while watching Home Alone 2.

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” They’re about halfway through the movie when Alex pauses it, confused. Jack turns his head and glares at the brunette for pausing right when it got to the good part. When Alex sees his face, he bursts into laughter and rolls on the floor, nursing his very full stomach. Jack just waits, with his eyebrows raised and a sloppy grin on his face.

Jack could get used to that laugh.

Once Alex has regained his composure, he’s wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh my God, you should have seen your face,” he starts giggling again at the memory, but instead forces himself to calm down so he can ask his question. “Ok so, I don’t get it. He’s home alone again?” Jack just glares at him again.

“Dude, Kevin McAllister is the most epic kid and you’re questioning him?” Alex snorts at his response.

“He is not! He’s just stupid for thinking he can—“ Alex is cut off as Jack tackles him to the ground, wriggling his fingers into Alex’s sides, causing him to giggle and struggle as Jack holds him against the ground. Both are laughing, but Alex has tears in eyes again, and it’s not until Jack forces Alex to take it back, does the tickling stop. Jack doesn’t move from on top of Alex, which makes the brunette uncomfortable at the close proximity. Soon though, Jack realizes that he’s just been staring at Alex’s face, and he gets up knowing full well that he missed his favorite part in the movie and made Alex extremely uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry but can I ask you something, Lex?” He knows full well Alex loves it when he calls him that, so he uses it to kind of soften him up. Alex looks up at him as he sits up from his position on the floor, wiping his eyes again. He nods, willing him to go on. “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, but what happened to your face?”

Alex is as still as stone as he feels his heart drop. He knew this friendship couldn’t last, he knew one day Jack would want to know and then they would never talk and then Alex would have no one again. If he does it before he gets any closer with Jack, it won’t hurt as bad as if he would say it a year later.

When Alex doesn’t respond, Jack opens his arms. “C’mere,” Jack whispers as he sees Alex tear up. Alex quickly moves towards Jack, leaning his bad side against Jack’s chest, and curing his knees around his chest as he sits in between his legs, as Jack wraps his arms around him.

“If I tell you, you won’t be friends with me anymore. No one has before.” Jack feels his insides pound and break for the younger boy because it’s just so heartbreaking because Alex is wonderful to him—his imperfections make him perfect. To Jack, at least. He shakes his head at Alex’s statement reassuring him he won’t. Alex just takes a deep breath, obviously not convinced.

“Well it’s not even that bad, I was born with it. Something about cells not forming right, and I’m legally blind in my left eye, but I can still see through it a little, but not as well as my other, that’s it. The end.”

Jack never left.

If anything, Jack felt an overbearing need to protect Alex from the world.

So he did.

--

It’s been five years since they’ve met. They had taken the next step in their relationship in sophomore year, when they should have been studying but instead were making out on Alex’s bed. A few nights later, they were official, and probably the happiest either had been. Now, they were engaged at eighteen, not wanting to be with anyone else but eachother.

Graduation day was not something Alex looked forward to, the large group of people made him a little on-edge, especially the fact that when the names were called for diplomas, the camera would go on the screen for everyone to see. Everyone would see Alex’s hideous face. But Alex was ok with that, because Jack told him he was beautiful, and peppered his face with kisses like every day, and Alex believed it because Jack was all that mattered.

"Hey just think about this," Jack started, "In exactly twenty four days we'll be in my car heading to that Blink concert I promised." Alex smiled fondly at the thought, bringing back the day when Jack surprised Alex with a ticket in hand on Alex's 18th birthday.

Alex sat through the ceremony fiddling with his silver band on his ring finger, twirling it around to keep him distracted from the bubbling in his guts. He picked his head up when "Jack Barakat" was announced over the loudspeaker. A grin appeared on his face as he saw the camera zoom in on his fiance's smiling face, shaking hands with a man and being handed his diploma. Alex could hear the screaming from their mothers in the stand.

When Alex was announced for his diploma, he heard Mrs. Barakat in the stands with his mother screaming, just as they had with Jack. His cheeks turned red and he happily accepted his ticket out of this town, forgetting about the camera and everyone's eyes on him.

All he could think of was that concert and the raven-haired boy taking him.

After the ceremony, Jack found Alex amongst the group of people, knotting their hands together, the silver bands on their fingers both glimmering, and pushing through the crowd found both of their mothers.

Jack decided that he and Alex needed a well-deserved date night, so after prepping himself, he took an Advil for the headache and drove to pick up Alex.

They didn’t make it there, having to stop as Jack vomited on the side of the road, dizzy and lightheaded, with Alex rubbing his back.

Alex simply drove them to the hospital, expecting Jack to have some sort of stomach flu. However, they were sent to neurology when they told the doctors his symptoms. Jack fell asleep, with Alex as his bed in the waiting room for the results of the MRI.

Alex had to call his mom to pick him up because he couldn’t see through the tears in his eyes.

--

“Good morning, Jacko,” Alex greeted Jack as he entered his hospital room. It had been about a month since Jack had been diagnosed with brain cancer, a knot in the back of his head, spider webbing itself deep inside. Alex visited every day during the visiting hours, occasionally sweet talking the nurse into staying overnight. Jack smiled from ear-to-ear as he saw what Alex was carrying in his hands.

“Oh my hell you are the best person on this earth did you know that? I have been bored out of my mind.” Alex looked at the man in the beanie, seeing his pale face and fragile, chemical-filled body.

“Yes, yes I know I am, don’t worry.” He smiled as he pecked Jack sweetly on the lips, before inserting the DVD into the player for Jack’s TV. Alex debated not climbing into Jack’s bed in fear of a nurse walking in and yelling at them, but what the hell. He didn’t care.

Climbing in had been a predicament, trying to avoid all the wires he was hooked up to, causing Alex to have to stop halfway through to get his balance, making Jack chuckle at his confused look. After Jack instructed him through the wire mess, Alex found a comfortable position, arm slung over Jack’s waist, the other arm underneath Jack’s back, and his face pressed into his side. Alex pressed play on the remote and sighed as he saw Kevin McAllister enter the vision of the screen, causing Jack to relax even more and allow Alex to curl even further into him.

"How was the concert?" Jack faintly asked when Alex had almost fallen asleep halfway through the movie. The brunette had decided to take one of Jack's friends, Matt with him so he at least had someone. Matt was ok to be with, but his heart ached for Jack the whole time.

Alex sat up a little bit, pulling out the camera he had forgotten to take out of his pocket this morning when he remembered Jack wanted to see it. Knowing Jack probably couldn't even hold the camera by himself, he turned it on, showing the up close pictures he had gotten of everyone and even one of Alex posing with Mark Hoppus. He even got a video for Jack of Mark saying hello and how he was dissapointed Jack couldn't make it to the show.

Jack smiled as wide as he could when he saw the video, granted it wasn't that big from all his loss of strength. The brunette pushed the camera back in his pocket when he noticed Jack was starting to get tired again, he always got tired whenever he talked.

"I love you, you know that right?" Jack had whispered into Alex ear when he had settled back into Jack's side.

"Of course I do Jacko. And I love you too," Jack just smiled back, pressing their lips together before leaning his dark and life-less hair back into the pillow, closing his eyes and breathing gently.

Alex had fallen asleep, extremely warm against his fiancé and just happy all together. He awoke to the main title screen playing the same music over and over, and Alex would have fallen back asleep if that damn music wasn’t playing. So he grabbed the remote off the table, turning the TV off and noting it was already one-thirty pm. His stomach decided it was hungry and needed to be obnoxiously loud announcing that, so he shifted out from Jack’s limp grip, sighing in relief when he didn’t wake the man after moving so much.

When he stood up, he decided to wake him anyways, just so that Jack didn’t think he’d left him.

Kissing his lips gently, Alex whispered his name. When Jack didn’t respond right away, he gently shook Jack’s frame. He called his name louder, still nothing. He started to panic a little, his heartbeat fastening as he shook harder, calling his name, whispering “fuck fuck fuck’ over again as he buzzed the nurse, pulling his hair as the tears started flowing down his cheeks.

Fuck Jack, no. No, no, no, no, Jack no, you can’t leave. You can’t leave me Jack. You can’t do this to me. You promised you wouldn’t leave. Please wake up.

There were no more words for the situation when he was pushed out as the doctors came rushing in, pushing needles into his IV, and calling out random names for medicines.

All Alex could do was wait.

When the nurses said Jack was stabilized for the time being, he was sent home to get some rest, his mom having to pick him up, and drive him back to him and Jack’s apartment. He quickly thanked his mom and moved to the apartment, immediately heading to the shower so he could just let everything out. The overwhelming fear of Jack leaving him was the largest scenario in his head now, the water from the shower blending in with his tears.

Alex missed the phone call from the hospital, only hearing the missed call message once he was dressed again, searching through the jean pockets for his cell. The moment he answered the incoming call, he wished he hadn’t. He thought he was all burned out of tears until he felt the new ones flowing in again.

Tracing his fingers over the raised skin on his face, Alex sobbed at his life, tears falling down his cheeks, ripping sounds from his throat. He was sitting in his bathroom, back against the counter, knees up to his face and door locked, even though he now had no one who could intrude. He felt as if he never once caught a break—seemed as if he was being forced to bend right to his breaking point, but hovering over the edge, seeing how far life could push him before he snapped.

--

Two months later and Alex found himself at Jack’s gravestone. It was a typical cloudy day, breezy enough to be fall even though it was only the beginning of September. He knelt at the stone, red roses in hand, looking down at the clean slate. It was the freshest of all in the cemetery.

~
Jack Bassam Barakat

I’ll paint you wings,
and I’ll set you free.

1988-2007
~

Alex felt the tears threaten to spill over his face, but willed them to stay put. He couldn’t anymore. There were none left. The caraphernelia from their apartment was becoming overwhelming, he had to have his mother help clean up Jack’s clothes off the floor because he couldn’t seem to do it by himself without breaking down over the band tee’s and skinny jeans that held his scent. The apartment was untouched, really. Alex spent his time here, with Jack. He had no one, knew no one else, didn’t want anyone else.

“Hey Jacko,” Alex sniffed his tears back, feeling a warm sensation pass through his guts. “I wish you could see what I’ve been up to. It’s hard, without you y’know. I don’t know what to do in my free time. So I’m reverting back to what I did when I didn’t know you. I write. All the time,” he took a deep breath, keeping himself at bay. “I started a novel. It’s called ‘Kevin Meets World.’ It’s about a boy who changes the lives of others like you did Jack. It makes me feel better because I’m creating you again through Kevin. See? I even named it after that McAllister kid you love so much,” Alex chuckled to himself over the obsession the boy had. “So this editing company found my chapters from your mom, actually. She sent them in because she thought they were so good. Hopefully I’ll finish it in time because then they’ll publish it. You’ll be remembered through him. I just wish you could see it. Because honestly I’m still a little lost and I still need help even if it’s something as simple as what to cook for the night or who to call,” He took a deep breath thinking about the empty apartment. Suddenly, his pocket vibrated, and when Alex opened it, he found it was an email from the editing company telling him to call him ASAP.

“See Jack? See! They love it. They love you,” Alex stood up, leaving the roses by the stone. “I’ll come visit you tomorrow and I’ll being a couple chapters to read to you ok? But I got to go, Jacko.” Alex wiped the tears from his eyes, walking back to the car.

--

After receiving the incredible news of having his novel accepted, Alex was squealing with joy in their—his—bedroom. He was so happy, he almost missed the green color out of place on his nightstand. It was faded and crumpled, and was something that made his heart flutter, break, and scream in fear all in one.

~
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You should smile more,
It looks good on you.
xo

Alex just cried himself to sleep that night, the aching in his chest rising with every breath he took.

~

Two weeks later, Alex received his first copy of his own novel, overwhelmingly happy with himself for completing it in time. He grinned widely, for the first time in what seemed like years, already putting on his jacket to pay Jack another visit.

As he got in the car, he felt something soft and warm against his left cheek, along his pale lines, feathering them in warmth. Alex wasn’t sure what to do, but savor the feeling and close his eyes. Then, he felt warmth around his whole body, like something wrapping itself around him, almost like…protection.

Feeling it all slip away as he started the car, he sighed again, pulling into the street. He took the various yet all too familiar turns towards the cemetary. As he was going through an intersection, he felt that warmth wrap his body, protecting him momentarily as the other car didn’t stop, and crash right into the left side of the car, bounding into his body, crushing it.

Alex felt no pain.

He felt almost weightless as if he didn't exist, hearing voices calling him, but he didn't know who they belonged to. Instead, he felt his grip slip away, his head becoming less cloudy.

There was just silence and darkness, so he opened his eyes.

He was back again on the couch in the library, with Jack’s arms wrapped around him, warmth spreading his whole body as he looked up at the man he truly loves. “Told you I would never leave you,” Jack says while kissing his face.

This is where he stays, in his heaven, with his Jack.