내 곁에 있어줘

The days didn't go by fast enough. All week, I waited anxiously for Saturday to come. I had cleaned the house, did some exercises from my textbooks, found some new recipes online, and I had even found time to walk Toby. I spent all morning picking out the perfect clothes, and I had already decided that I was finally going to tell Jinyoung how I felt.

For years, I had a bright teal dress with a thin black belt around the middle that sat at the back of my closet untouched. I bought it hoping that it would encourage my weight loss. That was a year and a half ago. I took it off the hanger, admiring the breathable fabric and eye-catching color. It slid over my shoulders with a little bit of a struggle, but once it came down, it fit almost perfectly. My hips were wider than the body that the dress had been designed for, but it looked great nonetheless. If anything, it accentuated the hourglass figure I now had. I slipped a pair of spandex shorts on beneath the dress to prevent my thighs from rubbing and to hide my underwear. To round off the look, I paired it with some black and teal flats.

I stood in front of the mirror, staring for a long time at my almost-foreign reflection. I felt thin and beautiful, not the awkward and chubby girl I used to be. I still had my imperfections, but I was ready.

I ditched my mom's bike this time and walked the mile and a half to the library. I got catcalled by a passing car on my way, but instead of making me uncomfortable like it usually did, it bolstered my confidence.

When I reached the library, I took a quick sweep of the parking lot. It was almost empty except for three or four cars, none of which were familiar to me. I took the stairs two at a time, adjusted my clothes and hair, and hurried inside. Jinyoung was sitting on the couch under the huge window near the back of the library. He looked different without a book of some sort.

"Emiko," he said, sounding almost out of breath. A blush crept across his face as he took in my outfit. "I... Um... You look great."

I sat next to him on the couch and smiled. "Thank you. I'm sorry I'm early. I just couldn't wait to come."

He dipped his head and smiled. "That's okay. I'm glad you came early." He looked at the floor for a long time before speaking. "Um, so... I wanted to tell you something... Do you remember?"

"Of course I remember."

For a long time, he didn't say anything. He just looked at his lap and bit his lip.

"It's okay, Jinyoung. Whatever you need to say, you can tell me."

He lifted his eyes to meet mine. When he reached for my hand, he was shaking. "I don't know... what I feel. I've never felt like this before."

"It's okay. Take a minute to gather your thoughts," I said, squeezing his hand. "There's something I wanted to tell you, too."

His eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah," I said, smiling. As I took in that innocent, surprised look on his face, I felt my confidence rise just a little bit more if that was even possible. It was now or never. "Jinyoung, I really like you. You're an amazing person. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but if you like me too, can we be together?"

"Emiko... That's not..."

At his hesitant expression, my confidence plummeted into the negatives. I'm pretty sure it was visible on my face, too. As he searched for the right words, I tried to compose myself.

"Isn't the boy supposed to ask the girl?" he asked, leaning in before I could react. His lips pressed softly to mine. His scent was all around me, a smell that I would never forget. His hands reached up to my face, cradling it gently as he kissed me. When his tongue traced my lip, it broke my trance. I leaned into him and pulled him to me, parting my lips for a breath. He took a breath too.

Then, suddenly he pulled away and looked embarrassed. "We... shouldn't do that in public."

"Who cares?" I said, the excitement from the kiss making me giddy. "Let them watch."

He laughed. "You're so strange, Emiko." If his flushed face was any indication, he was genuinely embarrassed about public displays of affection. I decided to keep that in mind for later.

"Our first kiss..." he said thoughtfully. Then, he turned to me. "Was it your first kiss?"

"Ah... no," I said, hoping that it hadn't been his either. I didn't want to shame him or anything.

"Mine, either," he said while smiling, "but it was the best one so far."

To be honest, it was the best one I'd had too. I blushed. "Yeah, same for me." Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed to have made him puff up just a little with pride.

"So..." he said casually, leaning back on the couch, "you dated other guys before."

"Yeah, I guess," I said, not really liking where this was going. I tried not to show it, but I hated talking about ex boyfriends. More like sad mistakes.

"I can see that you aren't proud of them," he teased.

"That's a nice way of putting it." Jeez, just thinking about it made me a little depressed. I'd dated a decent number of guys throughout high school and middle school but ended up being the one dumping most of them at some point. I guess I was a little too open-minded at first and a little too nit picky as the relationship progressed.

He smiled excitedly. "Care to tell me about them?"

"Why are you so interested? They were guys. They obviously weren't for me. What more is there to say?"

"There's got to be more to it than that," he said, looking dissatisfied.

"Ok, then be more specific. What do you want to know about my past relationships exactly?"

"Hmm," he said in mocking thoughtfulness, "what was your first relationship like?"

"Well, it was a stupid middle school crush that basically went nowhere. I know you'll ask, so I'll just tell you: his name was Jake, and he was white."

"And the one after that?"

"Same thing except that he was Puerto Rican and his name was Danny."

He frowned. "So basically, you would get a crush on a guy at your school and then date him, but nothing would happen? That sounds so boring."

"For the most part, it was pretty much like that, yeah." Then, I thought of Landon. I guess he made things interesting in a messed up way. I wasn't about to bring that subject up though. "What about you? I'm sure you were surrounded by girls back home."

He laughed. "You sure think highly of me."

"I wouldn't like you if I wasn't attracted to you, dummy. If I'm attracted, then that means that someone else has to be attracted to you too, obviously."

"I guess so," he said, still looking pleased with the compliment. "I only had one girlfriend before. She was... not so good."

"What does that mean?"

He shrugged, but I could tell that the question kinda ruined the lighthearted mood. "She wasn't a good person. She wasn't like you. I guess I belonged with her, in a way."

"Hey," I said sternly, turning his face toward me with a firm hand. "Don't talk that way."

Jinyoung's troubled eyes softened. "Sorry... I know you don't like it. I'll try to stop." I let go of his face, but the pain of his casual self-criticism remained in my gut. "She helped me steal things from people. I stayed at her house a lot when I ran away. She also made me smoke cigarettes with her and kiss her all the time."

"Well, at least it sounds a little more exciting than my past," I said jokingly. He smiled wryly. "Why did you guys break up, then?"

He frowned. "My mom made us all move away. If it weren't for that, I would have probably broken up with her eventually anyway, but I can't say how long that would have been."

Just the mention of his mom bothered me. It seemed like it was always about his mom. I understood having respect for your parents, but jeez, this was taking it to a whole new level. As I was thinking that, he took my hand, and his expression became serious suddenly. "My mom won't like this, either."

The way he said it made me uneasy. It was the same foreboding feeling I got when it was getting close to the jump-scares in scary movies. The memory of his back, striped with bruises, picked at my insides. "You don't have to do this, Jinyoung. If you're afraid that she'll hurt you, then let's not."

"No," he said firmly. "I want to. I like you."

Despite the apprehension I felt, his words made me happy. This feeling was twisted, and I knew it, but the choice he made touched me. He was willing to defy his mother for the chance to be with me. It was fucked up, so why did it make me feel so good?

"You don't think she will hurt you because of this?" I repeated, trying to stamp out the mix of emotions struggling in my chest.

He shook his head while looking at our hands. He didn't look completely sure, but when he spoke about staying with me, he sounded 100% convinced. I swallowed my fear. His mom might be strict, but surely she wasn't going to hurt him just for having a crush on a girl. I squeezed his hand.

"Will you come to church tomorrow?"

I nodded and ignored the part inside me that protested. "I'll be there."

We spent some time together talking solemnly about life before the sun started to set. "I'd better get going," I said, still holding onto his hand. "Before my parents start to worry."

We had moved from the couch to a sunny spot with studying tables several hours before. I'd spent hours with him talking quietly in the library, but it had gone by like nothing. I looked forward to spending more time with him in the future. Thinking of all the things that I didn't know about him made it all the more exciting.

"Bye, Emiko," he said, smiling sadly as we both stood up from the table.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said, kissing his cheek. Thinking of what might happen later, I added, "Take care."

He nodded. "If he hurts you..."

I didn't say anything back, but the look passed between us and I think we knew at least subconsciously...

We'd both get hurt that night.