내 곁에 있어줘

The sun beat down on me from outside the boiling-hot car. I regretted staying behind while my mom shopped, but I didn't think I could handle even a half-hour shopping trip with Richard considering his especially pissy attitude today. My mom's SUV was parked outside the mall on the food court side, giving me a boring view of people and their kids going into the mall.

I scrolled through my phone, playing songs on it until I got bored. I was about to play another song when I got a text from Ellie.

Hey Em are you free later? I need someone to talk to

It's Dick's daughter's birthday today, but after that, I should be free. What's up, honey bun?

Ugh just way too much. I need girl time

Now that she mentioned it, we hadn't met up in several weeks. I'd been too busy trying to figure out Jinyoung's and my feelings and avoiding Richard. Cancelling all the time made me feel like a bad friend, so I knew I couldn't keep passing.

Me too. I'll let you know when I'm free. Btw I'm not single anymore~

WHAT!? NO WAY WHO IS IT

Remember the cute guy I told you about? The one I tutored? It's him!

omfg no way! You need to tell me all about it tonight!!

Lol I know! I will!

As soon as I sent the text, my mom and Richard got into the car, shoving some black shopping bags into the back seat next to me. As expected, they were all from alternative fashion stores like Spencer's and Hot Topic, two of Delaney's favorite stores.

"Emiko, you should have come with us!" my mom said excitedly, pulling out of the parking space. "They had some super cute Lolita dresses that you would have loved!"

I could see Richard rolling his eyes in the side mirror. He thought such clothes were "slutty and childish as fuck" to use his own words.

"Sounds awesome, Mom. You didn't find anything for yourself, did you?"

"Do I ever?" she said sadly. "Having a big butt sucks."

The rest of the drive to Richard's daughter's place was in silence. Judging by my mom's frequent glances at me through the rear view mirror, I could tell she was preparing for the worst. I couldn't blame her. I was gauging Richard's mood, too.

We pulled up only fifteen minutes later. It was a tiny ranch-style house with a disproportionately-large yard, like most of the properties in the Midwest. While my mom opened the back hatch to retrieve the cheesecake that she made the night before, Richard leaned into the backseat and shoved all of the shopping bags into my arms. I followed my mom and him up to the house.

Delaney's long-time boyfriend, a pothead named Sam and whom my mom lovingly referred to as "Rat Boy", answered the door in just some cargo shorts and permanently dirt-stained man sandals. His boxers poked up from above the top of his shorts. He was the epitome of Midwestern white trash.

"Laney!" he called lazily. "Your parents are here!"

Without even bothering to invite us in, he turned around and walked off.

"Does this mean we should go in?" I asked my mom as Richard got insta-pissed and shoved the screen door open so hard that it slammed against the siding. Shrugging, my mom and I followed him into the house. And boy, was it a hellhole.

Dirty, cigarette-scented clothes littered the floor. Hoodies, basketball shorts, flip-flops, t-shirts... There were even panties amidst the chaos. Ashtrays in various parts of the room were home to mounds of cigarette butts and Dorito crumbs. The couch and several spots on the carpet were stained with God only knows what. Rat Boy's bong was what really pulled the whole Ninth Circle together. It sat on the scratched-up, cat pee-scented coffee table almost like a centerpiece.

Rat Boy himself sat on the stained couch holding a bag of generic brand potato chips and watching wrestling on TV. The volume was just under deafening. Delaney called to us from the kitchen. Richard stomped into the other room while my mom and I stood awkwardly next to the TV, watching Rat Boy and wondering what to do.

"What the fuck are you doing with your life, Delaney?" I heard Richard yell from the kitchen. "Look at that lazy little shit sitting around like he's a god damn kin!"

Delaney said something too quiet to hear, probably trying to calm her dad down, but he just yelled over her.

"Don't give me that bullshit! Mei and I came over to celebrate your birthday, and we get 'greeted' at the door by that little shit stain while you stand over the stove cooking for him?"

The yelling continued for some time until my mom and I stepped outside to get away from it. I was especially thankful for the fresh air.

"Happy birthday to Delaney," I said awkwardly after a long period of silence.

"I feel sorry for the poor girl," my mom said, still holding the cheesecake. "I always knew Rat Boy was good for nothing, but you'd think he'd at least put in a little effort on her birthday."

My phone vibrated, so I checked the messages. It was from Jinyoung. Knowing that he was thinking about me made my heart swell.

How is the birthday?

It sucks, but that's pretty normal for this family. What's going on with you?

Just sitting at home. I wish you could have come to church today. I smiled. He missed me. Of course, I missed him too, but I didn't want his mom to catch onto our relationship either. We had to be careful.

I wish I could have, too.

My mom finally sat down next to me on the steps, resting the cheesecake on her lap. "Who are you texting, Emiko?"

"Jinyoung," I answered, realizing that I hadn't told her about him much yet. How much should I tell her? Now wasn't really the time.

"That nice boy from the other day?" I nodded while typing a response. "I noticed you've been going out a lot lately. Does it have something to do with him?"

My fingers froze over the phone's keyboard. I wasn't about to lie to my mom, but I didn't exactly want to tell her everything right here and now. "Yeah. I like him."

She smiled. "I know."

Surprisingly, she left it at that. A few minutes later, she went back into the house. I decided to stay outside, since I wasn't truly welcome anyway. I spent the time texting Ellie and Jinyoung. When the sky started to change colors, Richard and my mom came out and we all went home. The whole way back, Richard ranted to my mom about Delaney's worthless boyfriend. It was one of the few things he and I agreed on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, tell me all about Jinyoung!" Ellie said excitedly, taking a sip of chamomile tea. We decided to meet up at Panera, as it was the nearest decent restaurant to where we both lived.

I related the story to her, including all the times he mentioned his mom. She gave me a curious look. "You know, he really is a mommy's boy. It's always about what his mom lets him do. Do you think you guys will really be okay?"

"I hope so. I really like him... more than I've ever liked a guy before."

"Not sure if you believe it, but they say love conquers all," she offered.

I shook my head and laughed. "Dude, you should design Hallmark cards or something."

"Well, I'm not a psychic, and as you know, relationships aren't really my expertise." She looked down at her tea then, and I realized for the first time how disappointed she was about not having a boyfriend yet. "But, you know, I really hope things work out for the best."

"Don't worry, Ellie. You'll find someone eventually." I paused, hoping she would shrug it off, but she didn't. "You don't want to be like me, dating everyone and having people think you're a mega-slut."

"You're not a slut," she said, "but you have a point. I guess I'm just tired of being the only one who doesn't have a boyfriend."

"Most of them aren't all they're cracked up to be. You have to wait it out for the right person, the one who makes everything a little bit better." Just saying that made me feel embarrassed, but it was the plain truth. Jinyoung didn't take the cuts or bruises away, but he made the pain hurt less. He didn't automatically make my day perfect, but he improved a shitty day and helped to take a good day a step further into a great day. Being with him was what I imagined those fairy tale princesses must feel about their perfect princes.

"Now who's being cheesy?" she said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, you're right. That was cheesy as hell, but the point stands."

We both laughed. "So," I said dramatically, "what's been going on in your life lately?"

"Well, I got a job. Cold Stone Creamery down off Vine and 7th." She paused. "Also... my parents are separating."

"What!?"

"Yeah. They've been arguing more and more lately, so they decided to separate until they can decide what to do. I think they will probably end up getting divorced."

"Isn't that a good thing? I mean, when we were kids, they were already arguing. That was like 10 years ago."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it's a good thing. It just feels like shit. They're my parents, and I love them both. I want them to be happy, but it's weird, you know?"

I didn't really know. My parents divorced long before I understood or grew attached to their relationship. Still, I could empathize with wanting both parents involved in their child's life. I missed my dad immensely, but he was so busy with work, and he lived two states over. There was almost no chance that I'd see him unless I flew out there.

"How about you, Em? Did you decide on a university yet?"

I shook my head. "To be honest, I'd rather not go. I don't need a degree to translate."

She nodded, but I knew that she was probably judging me. Ellie was my best friend, but she held fast to her standards, one of which was that bright students always went to college and tried to achieve as much as possible to get the highest paying job open to them. It was one of the reasons I admired her, but it also made her a little judgmental sometimes.

"I'm going to Twin Cities," she said. I personally wasn't surprised. She was a family person, and she wasn't particularly adventurous.

"Of course," I said, grinning.

"If you did go to college, where would you go?" she asked.

"If I do go to college, I'm going somewhere far away from here," I told her seriously. "If I could go overseas, I totally would. Anything to get me out of this town and away from Dick."

"It would suck to see you go, but I can't say I blame you. If it weren't for my family, I'd probably leave too."

A thought suddenly crossed my mind. "Um, Ellie? Sorry to change the topic, but did you talk to your friends on the soccer team about Landon?"

"Huh?" she said, genuinely surprised. "No, of course not. I don't know enough about him to talk, anyway."

"Oh, I was just wondering. A friend on the soccer team said something about Landon to me that surprised me. I thought maybe you said something."

"Sorry, Em, but I really didn't. I don't know who said it or why. Was it that rumor again?"

"No, it was definitely closer to the truth than most of those rumors."

"Emiko... I'm sorry, but could you tell me the truth about him? I mean, we're best friends and it's already been like two years since... since he was here." When I tried to read her expression, all I could find was concern.

"You don't want to hear it, Ellie. Trust me."

She shook her head. "That's not good enough, Em. I know you. We've been friends since you moved from Kona. Something big happened. I want to know so that you don't have to live with whatever guilt or pain you keep holding onto."

Guilt? I wasn't guilty of anything except being stupid. But pain? She had that on check. I knew that it was long past time to tell someone, but would it really help? Would it really make me feel better to tell someone what had happened? All I knew was that this sickening, dirty feeling wormed its way into my head almost every day. Nothing I'd done so far had truly gotten rid of it. Maybe it was time to try something else.

"Ok... I'll try to tell you..." I gulped, feeling nauseated even just digging into the memories I'd tried to repress for so long.

"Landon and I dated for about a month before he started pressuring me for sex. I thought that because he was older, he knew more about how relationships were supposed to work. I didn't know that you didn't have to have sex with your boyfriend. Even though I thought that that's how it had to be, I was too scared to do it. I made up excuses every time he asked. Then, he stopped asking.

"He got really mad at me for saying no after we were kissing and touching a lot. He... forced me..."

Ellie's face contorted into a horrified and pitiful expression. The ill feeling in my stomach got stronger, but I pushed on. I'd already started the story. I couldn't stop now.

"When it was over, he pushed my face into the spot where he... where he came on me. He humiliated and threatened me. When I started crying, he locked me in his room. After a few hours, he came back like a totally different person. Like the person I met before. He held me and promised that he wouldn't hurt me like that again. He said he was sorry but also that I shouldn't have teased him by letting him touch me."

As I said it, the memories played behind my eyes like a movie. The ghost of his smell filled my nostrils, his Lacosse cologne the scent of pain. I blinked back the tears forming in the corners of my eyes, but I couldn't stop them.

"It kept going like that for a while. He would hurt me, force me to do things... but he would apologize. Sometimes he would even cry. I believed him. After a while, he stopped apologizing. He stopped promising things. He even paraded me in front of his smoking buddies, showing off what he could get away with. He told people that I begged for it, that I wanted it. And everyone believed it."

With that last sentence, the tears poured over. I forcibly reined in the flood of tears that almost broke free. I quickly wiped away the tears.

Ellie was quiet for a long time, clearly not really knowing what to say. I didn't blame her, but she asked. I had finally answered her after two years.

"You're amazing, Emiko," she said at last, smiling sadly. "You've been through so much, but you still come to school every day and endure all of the bullying, the insults, even the physical confrontation." She squeezed my hand. "You should tell the truth. Not like a big speech and not like fliers. Something raw and genuine."

I laughed while wiping away more tears. "I don't even know what that means."

"Sweetie, you may have waited two years to tell me all of this, but I supported you no matter what. I still support you no matter what. I'll help you however I can to set all this right."

"Thanks, Ellie."

We hugged tightly in front of the restaurant. She had been right. Talking about it did help... a little. Maybe she was right about telling everyone at school the truth, too. Several ideas bounced around in my head until one polished idea stood out among the rest. I decided to give it a try. I drove home in my mom's SUV, perfecting the idea on the way back.

When I was with Landon, he beat, raped, and ridiculed me. He made me believe that I was worthless and that I deserved everything he gave me. For over two years, he won. When I cried, he won. When I became unable to form lasting relationships with boys, he won. With every insult at school and every beating from Richard taken in silence, he won. I had seen it in my own reflection before. That desolate expression I wore when the mask fell away. That was the face of my failure.

But I could still change it. I would make sure that even if it didn't change anyone's idea of me, it would change my idea of myself. I wouldn't just tolerate it anymore. This time, Landon wouldn't win.