I Love The Darkness In You

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be, except for the part where I was woken up by Mike smacking me with drumsticks as pay back for talking shit about him last night, that part sucked...mainly because I was so confused I started to cry. Playing on stage was rough but I pushed through, that was really the only time I talked to anybody. I've spent most of the day kept to myself in my bunk, listening to music, writing and doodling in my various journals about the events of previous days, how I was feeling in general, lyric snippets, what the lyrics of the song I was listening to meant to me, just what ever came to mind really.

I was beginning to get a little emotional with writing, going to the hospital yesterday was bringing up some bad memories and mixed feelings. I wish I could go some where that way I could be completely alone and think but that's practically impossible to due while out on tour.

I glanced up from my notebook just in time to see Mike walking towards me flashing his teeth at me in wide smile, that of course got a grin out of me while I tuned my ipod down some and pulled out one ear bud. I wiped the few small tears from my face and closed the book in lap, Mike noticed this and frowned, “hey, what's wrong?”

He leaned against the base of my bunk propping himself on his crossed arms then watched curiously as I shrugged and picked at spine of my notebook, “just a song, kinda struck a nerve.”

“Can I take a listen,” I thought for a moment on if I really wanted him to listen, if he did he'd figure out why it made me cry and I'm not sure if I want him to know yet. I nodded anyway and handed him my ear buds then restarted the song. My stomach twisted in knots as the song started, I could hear the muffled music coming from the small ear buds but I had also listened to the song so many times that I could probably sing along with it just by watching the time.

Mike looked at me with mixture of sadness, confusion, and curiosity as soon as the first line was sang, “She dries her tears by candle light.”

I couldn't look back at him though, so I just sat there and mouthed the rest of verse with the music, “she seems to be here every night. She's just that way. Yeah, she'll be okay, she's alright. Picking up the pieces of her broken heart. Wonderin' if her love was ever worth it all. Picking up the pieces of her broken heart.”

Mike would look at the book in lap every so often as if he head x-ray vision and could read about why [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1UF8Emuj9s ] Saving Abel's Pictures of Elvis[/url] made me get emotional, or why I did keep pictures of Elvis, and others like Big Mama Thornton, Peg Leg Sam, Robert Johnson, and Leadbelly taped to the wall of my bunk. He would always return his big brown eyes back to me though, acting like he could read my thoughts, see the memories and pain that went along went the words, trying to figure it all out with out asking me directly.

When the song finished Mike pulled out the ear buds, scratched his neck, took a deep breath and watched me wiped away a couple more loose tears, “so...what'd he'd do?”

I wrapped my arms around my stomach carefully, “I uhh...I can't really talk about it...it's kind of a touchy subject. The guys get pretty pissed about it.”

“Please? I wanna know so I can avoid the subject, that way I don't accidentally say something to make you upset...I won't say anything to the guys about you telling me I swear. ”

“I just...I'd rather not talk about it right now, it's a big, ugly, stupid story that doesn't need to be told while I'm stuck in a bunk out on tour,” I picked up my Skelanimals bat plush and played with it's wings and ears.

“Can I at least know his name? Cause you know you not telling me right now is gonna drive me crazy till you do tell me,” He drummed a little beat on my leg and smiled trying to lighten the mood.

A grin broke through before I nodded, “fine, his name's Brian...and he's a scum sucking bastard.”

Mike tried not to chuckle but failed, “I totally agree with you on that, and he clearly doesn't deserve to even know such an amazing person like you, let alone have dated you.”

I rolled my eyes and hit him in the face with the plush bat playfully, “kiss ass.”

“You caught me, now hurry up and get ready so we can go party,” thankfully Mike laughed with me before stealing the bat from my hand and cuddling it to his chest.

“You're fucking crazy if you think I'm going to party tonight, I am gonna be a party pooper. I'm gonna stay in here and watch documentaries on the ocean till I pass out,” I laughed at him and held up the container of the Discovery Channel's “Blue Planet” in his face.

He took it from me and shook his head, “everyone else is going, are you really gonna sit in here, all alone, and just watch stuff on the ocean?”

I nodded as I opened up my Mac, Mike rolled his eyes before hitting me the plush bat, “nerd.”

“Ow! You fucker, just gimme my dvds and go party,” I snatched the box from his hands then stuck my tongue out at him.

“Well fine, you fucker, I will,” Mike turned to leave but just couldn't make it out without giving my thigh a harsh smack then running off laughing like a mad man.

After Mike left Kayla came back asking if I was sure I didn't want to go, and I am, I like being alone for the most part, it helps me think things out...Kayla also thought it was necessary to tease me a bout Mike and I's friendship. Questioning me on if we're dating, messing around, or just friends, the answer of course is just friends but that doesn't keep her from pestering me about him. That's how it was with the guys too though, it's still that way sometimes, Mom or Dad will make a joke asking Matt or Jason which one is gonna marry me, then Matt usually answers with a smart ass comment on how if I don't stop being the cause of his breakups that he'll just have to settle for marrying me. It's all in good fun.

***
Everyone had left almost forty minuets ago so I was good and comfy in my bunk and all caught up in “Blue Planet”, I did however have one arm hanging out over the edge of my bunk mindlessly playing fetch with Reparo. He'd place the ball in my hand, I'd toss it off in some random direction, he'd run to get it, bring it back, and we'd repeat the process.

“Scoot your big ole booty over,” I squeal in surprised when Mike's voice came out of nowhere and he smacked my leg.

I just gave him a confused looked and covered my racing heart with one hand, “I said scoot your ass over, Dammit.”

“Why are you here? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!”

Mike laughed and raised his hand showing off a bottle of Jameson, “I felt bad for leaving you all alone, so I brought booze....and scaring you is just an added bonus. Are you gonna scoot or not?”

I rolled my eyes and moved towards the wall, pulling my cover up over my chest since I didn't have a bra on, “fine, but only cause you brought booze.”

After he crawled up into my bunk and we were both situated I gave him a hard shove almost knocking him out of the bunk, “you said I have a big butt! You're an ass.”

Mike caught himself then got re-situated, “I never said it was a bad thing! I meant it as a compliment...which by the way is like the forty-th compliment I've gave you and you haven't said thank you to any of them yet.”

I rolled my eyes taking the green bottle from his tattooed hand, “and I'm not gonna.”

“Why not? I'm being nice to you-”

I scoffed loudly and turned him the best I could, “are you fucking serious?! Why is it people think they should get something in return for giving a compliment, or because they're being nice? When I'm fucking nice to someone it's because I mean it, not because I want something back from them. I can not believe you, I know I should say thank you for giving me a compliment, but I honestly don't know how to take compliments cause I don't get them that often and when you point out the fact that I haven't thanked you yet it makes me feel like you didn't compliment me at all. It feels like you lied to me, and it's not just you, it's everyone. And by the way, telling me I have a big butt is not a compliment, what if I don't want a big butt?”

Mike's jaw was dropped slightly as he took a brief moment to take in what I said and think of an response, “christ Shelbs, sorry. I didn't know it was gonna offend you so much, you don't have to thank me...I was just playin...you don't have a big butt?”

I huffed and took long swig from the bottle, “I didn't mean to go off like that...sorry. It's just, things like that really get to me because I don't understand why people can't do something nice for someone else without having to get something in return. ...and can we stop talking about my butt? I happen to like it even if anyone thinks it's big or small.”

Mike laughed and took the bottle when I passed it to him, “it's okay, but to be completely honest your ass is kinda big...and it's probably a good thing cause if it wasn't your huge tits would more than likely make you super top heavy and then you'd just, like, snap in half.”

“Are you just gonna sit here and insult me,” I couldn't not laugh, he had a pretty good point. With out my ass to add weight to the back of me I'd probably fall forward all the time.

“Fine, I'll try to behave for the rest of the night...but no promises,” he smirked at me then stuck his tongue out.

I wouldn't say that Mike “behaved” for the rest of the night...he was just, well he was just being Mike. That didn't keep me from falling asleep once we got more than half through the bottle of whiskey and the documentary.