Helplessly Hoping

'Idiot.' 'Shut the fuck up.' 'No one cares.' 'Whore.' 'You complain more than anyone I know.' I thought as I stared at my mac book's screen, I scrolled through the news feed on Facebook.

I was laying on my bed,well,more like curled up on top of my black comforter,my back pressed against my blue walls, my mac book was tilted on its side in front of my face.

Most of the time I found myself wondering why I was on Facebook as often as I was,I just saw people I didn't like,voiced my annoyance about them inside my head and just got frustrated at people for no good reason.

I mean,I wish there was a reason, because I wanted some excuse as to why I was always either mad,frustrated,angry,upset or just flat out annoyed with the general public and people around me. I didn't know why I generally always felt that way towards people,I just did.

But that fact just added to the list of things that were wrong with me. That was one too many.

Grunting, I manged to bring myself out of my thoughts. I stretched my legs out below me on the bed as they cracked and popped. I sat up,crossing my legs. Dragging the mac book over I sat it in front of me.

I decided to scroll a bit more through the feed. But as soon as I did I immediately wished I hadn't. I blinked at the screen.

'Lauren Stegan - Single!!(: Someone message me?'

''Go fuck yourself..'' I growled at the screen and slammed it shut and kicked it across my bed,it slid off the end and landed with a thud on the carpet.

Really? I thought to myself. Really? Is she that fucking desperate and inconsiderate enough to post something as stupid as a single status? This was the kind of bullshit that set me off.

Did she even care at all? Obviously not,you dumb fuck. I can't believe I wasted 5 months of my time and effort on her. Thinking she really liked me. Why would she actually like you? You're pathetic.

Only too find her giving some guy I knew in my Chemistry class a blow job in the back wings of the auditorium a couple of days ago. She was a cheating whore. Of course she cheated on you, you're ugly and not worth looking at in the slightest bit.

I let out a frustrated yell into the space of my quiet room. The noise filled the air. I could feel my anger building up inside of me again, I took a few breaths in attempt to calm myself down,at least for a little bit. The anger subsided, only in the slightest though.

I still felt the need to break or pound on something. Anything.

Swinging my legs off the side of my bed,I stood up,taking a few strides across my room and pounded on my far wall with the sides of my fists. Making small dents each time I hit he wall in pure anger and frustration. I pounded and pounded until it was just the palms of my hands hitting the wall. I grunted,turned around,leaned against my wall and slid down.

A little out of breath I glanced at the small digital alarm clock on the stand next to my bed across the room. 9:00. AM.

I closed my eyes and groaned,throwing my head back. I would never have been up this early on a Saturday if it wasn't for my mom who had woken me up at 8:30 a half hour earlier.

Also if it wasn't for the fact that my own parents were sending me off to the infamous Montevista Mental Treatment Facility in Reno, Nevada. Which is just a nice way of saying they're sending me into a nut house full of kids just like me; fucked up with nowhere else to go.

I knew I had problems, but I didn't think they would get so bad that my mom and my step dad couldn't handle me anymore and had to send me away somewhere.

My mom had told me it was a 4 hour drive from here to there. I didn't really wish to spend 4 hours in the car with my parents until we got to MMTF. They meant well most of the time, but I was definitely not looking forward to the situation.

I looked up again at the clock. 9:15. Shit. I was swimming in my own thoughts for 15 minutes. We had to be on the road by 10 and I hadn't packed everything I needed yet.

Standing up from my spot on the floor I walked over and pulled my blinds up. Letting the early sun flood into my room. I unlocked and pushed my windows open,the warm heat hitting my pale skin,even this early in the morning. I stared out into my neighborhood for a few heartbeats. This was probably the last time I was going to look out into my neighborhood through my bedroom window for a long time. I had no idea when I was going to be back. If I ever did come back.

Shaking my head I walked away and pulled my half packed suitcase out from under my bed. Unzipping it I scanned over the contents: Some tee shirts, tank tops, a zip up jacket and a hoodie. Plus a couple long sleeves, jeans, some cut offs, a pair of pajama pants and 2 other pairs of shoes. Boxers. Socks. The usual.

There was still a decent amount of room. I opened the drawers to my dresser and pulled out a few old band tee's,placing them with the rest of my shirts.

Standing there thinking for an additional 5 seconds,I opened my door and walked across the hall and into the bathroom. I noticed the faint familiar smell of pancakes in the air and that was enough to put me in a semi- decent mood for the time being. I grabbed my straightener, hair brush, toothbrush, and anything else I could think of that I would need.

I looked at the straightener in my hands. They're going to think you're weird. I shook my head briefly and took it back to my room.

Back in my room I placed everything else in the suitcase. Looking over everything I nodded. Satisfied, I zipped my now full suitcase closed.

Sighing, I grabbed my old classic maroon colored Jansport backpack from the floor, it was my dad's and it was the only thing of his I had. I grabbed my iPod, some ear buds, and a beanie for those bad hair days. I looked inside and it looked pretty empty, I zipped it up regardless, figuring i'd find other stuff to put in it and sat it next to my suitcase.

I ran a hand over my dark brown hair and looked over at my bags slumped against the wall. Looking at the clock once again,it read 9:35. 'That didn't take as long as I expected..' Looking down over myself I realized I only wore a pair of boxers, an old guns n' roses tee shirt and socks.

I pulled on a pair of some tight fitting jeans, pulled the shirt over and off, tossing it into the corner of my room. I grabbed a worn tank top with the classic Nirvana logo on the front and slipped it on. Walking over to my door frame I slipped on my pair of dark navy Vans shoes.

Picking up my backpack I slung it over both my shoulders,I grabbed my suitcase handle and pulled it out so I could drag it behind me on its wheels.

I found myself standing in the doorway, 9:40, looking into my moderately spacious room for what was probably the last time in a long while I would get a chance to see it, I still didn't know for how long, and that agitated me. Looking over the blue walls and my bed, my windows, every piece of furniture I had ever owned. I gave a sad smile, turned around, and closed my door.

Dragging my large suitcase behind me,I walked down the stairs towards the kitchen where I assumed my step dad and my mother would be.

Leaving my suitcase next to the front door, I walked over to the door frame and leaned on it, I watched my mom set breakfast on the table, my step dad sitting at the end of the table reading his newspaper, in his suit and tie, coffee in hand. The classic kind of family scene you would see in movies.

But instead of the straight A football player my mom wish she had, she got a kid who wasnt exactly molded after Marilyn Manson, but not after Cristiano Ronaldo either, just a sad mentally screwed up in between mess instead. Cheery family scene isn't it?

Clearing my throat I moved from the door frame to a seat on the opposite side of the table where my step dad was sitting. He and my mom took notice of my presence finally. Michael, my step dad, just looked at me from over the top of his paper with old grey eyes briefly before looking back down. He didn't hate me, but I knew he wasn't fond of me, he was glad my mom had decided to send me off to MMTF, he would gladly accompany her to drop off her 'problem child', even if he didn't exactly show it.

''Do you have all of your things packed, hun?'' My mom asked me while placing a plate of pancakes, eggs, bacon and a small glass of orange juice in front of me.

''My suitcase is by the door and I've got my bag.'' Smiling a bit to myself I dug into breakfast, it had always been my favorite meal for as long as I could remember.

Halfway through my meal I glanced up at Michael, he looked stiff like a statue, a frail and old statue, the only evidence of life was the occasional grunt or the clank of his spoon whilst stirring his morning coffee.

As I ate the last piece of bacon I looked over at the microwave clock, 9:55. I opened my mouth to mention we needed to leave before my mom piped up. ''Alright boys we have to get on the road,come on,hustle. Michael put that damn paper down and get the keys. Craig,grab your things and get in the car.'' She exclaimed as she slipped on a pair of her flats and hurried into the next room for god knows what.

Pushing myself away from the table I made my way over to the front door, grabbed my suitcase and opened the door and left it open for my mom and Michael. I made my way out to our white Lexus SUV, opening the back door on the drivers side I slid my suitcase in and onto the seat next to me, I crawled in after it, pulling my backpack off me, I sat that next to me as well. I sat in my seat, looking through the tinted windows, at all the houses and lawns and sidewalks I knew so well for so long..

Not a minute later my mom and Michael hopped in the front and passenger seats. Michael started up the car, put it into drive and we pulled out of the driveway with 2 minutes to 10.

Halfway down the road, almost awkward silence settled over the car. I shook my head, pulling out my iPod and ear buds, it would go by a lot faster this way. I stuck them in my ears and turned the volume up. I leaned my head against the windows and watched the scenery pass us by. It had only been 10 minutes and I was already getting agitated and kind of annoyed. I hated car drives, absolutely hated them.

I closed my eyes after a few minutes, trying to picture what this 'facility' would look like inside and out. Who I would meet there. The 'help'. The psychologists. Teachers? What other fucked up adolescents were there too. I had no idea.

Engulfed in my own thoughts, I could feel myself falling into a light sleep. Knowing sooner or later I would arrive at MMTF, I had no clue as to what was waiting for me 4 hours from now.