I'll Never Be Good Enough

It had been a few uneventful days since Alex had begged me to tell him what was wrong. Apart from the voice telling me to cut, nothing had really happened. Oh wait, I'd virtually stopped eating.

"Jack, are you going to eat something?" Rian asked from across the table.

"I guess." I replied, twirling my knife in my hands.

"You can't eat, you are doing so well. Remember that."

Thanks.

"I'll eat it, if you like." Zack said, pointing at the untouched food on my plate.

"Ok." I pushed the plate towards him.

"Why aren't you eating?" Alex asked.

"You're not hungry."

"I'm just not hungry. Maybe later."

I got up from the table where Zack, Rian and Alex were still eating.

My world went black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I blinked slowly, allowing my eyes time to adjust to the dim light of my bunk.

"Jack, you fainted. They noticed." said the voice.

Really? I never would've guessed.

"You'll pay later on for making them notice you Jack." The voice said and then it went quiet.

"Jack? How are you feeling?" Alex's worried face came into view. I could see Zack and Rian behind him.

"Alright. Why am I here?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

"Jack, you fainted mate," Rian said, "Gave us a right scare, you did."

"Why did you faint?" Zack asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and then winced slightly as the healing gash in my arm rubbed against the material of my top.

"What?" Alex said, sitting on my bunk, bending his neck so he could fit.

"Nothing."

He laughed, unamused, "Jack, last time you said that, I found a massive gash in your arm. Tell me."

"Lie to him. He doesn't need to know."

I can't, not with those beautiful eyes looking at me.

"Lie." The voice demanded.

No.

"The gash just rubbed against my shirt, that's all." I said.

"Oh."

"I told you to lie. And yet, you chose to ignore me and tell the truth instead. Useless."

Shut up. Go away.

"You'll never get rid of me. I'll always be there."

Rian and Zack went to the front of the bus, leaving Alex and I alone together.

"Jack," Alex said, stroking my calf absentmindedly, "Why cut? And why stop eating? Why would you do that to yourself?"

"I'm surprised he noticed Jack."

Of course, he'd notice - he is my best friend after all.

"Some best friend."

What's that meant to mean?

"Oh nothing."

Ok...

"Why cut? I don't know Alex." I replied.

"There must be a reason Jack." He sounded close to tears.

I looked at him and sure enough, there were unshed tears glistening in his brown eyes.

"The voice in my head, he makes me do it." I said, reaching over and pulling Alex into a hug. His tears fell on my long-sleeved top. Gently, I stroked his soft brown hair. He was gorgeous.

"T - the voice? Alex said, hiccups overtaking him.

"Yes, the voice. Don't ask me where he comes from. He's just there."

He pulled away, wiping his tears away.

"Why were you crying?" I said.

"Me? Because you're hurting yourself and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"Alex... Don't think like that." I said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm back Jack."

No, go away. I don't feel like cutting now.

"Tough, you're going to cut anyway."

Can't make me.

"Oh, I can."

No, I'm not going to cut.

"Pick up your blade Jack. Look how inviting it is. It would look even prettier sunk into your pale skin. The contrast would be beautiful, wouldn't it?"

Maybe it would.

Having picked up my blade, I studied it carefully. I thought about what the voice had said, about it being pretty. I had a sudden vision of it in my wrist with red blood seeping out of the side of the cut.

Maybe.

I had another vision. This time of Alex earlier, when he was crying. He was amazing. He had said that he was crying because I was hurting myself and he couldn't stop it. But I could stop it.

"Are you going to cut? The top of your arms would my nice."

No, I'm not going to cut.

"You have to Jack, it's your way of dealing."

No it isn't. Go away.

I got out of my bunk silently and crept across the tour bus to Alex's bunk. I eased myself into his arms under the covers.

The voice had gone.

I fell asleep, with Alex breathing gently on my neck.